The Groupie
by JustForkIt
Summary: Groupie: Noun. A fan of a singer/band who usually follows around on concert tours. Girl meets boy, they become best friends. She falls in love, and he is clueless. Can she ever be more than a Groupie to him? E/B Angst, Drama, Romance
1. Sway

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or any of the songs listed in the chapter… or anything else that made like a bazillion dollars. Dang it!**

**The Groupie**

"**Cause I need your sway, cause you always pay for it. And I need your soul, cause you're always soulful…" – Sway by the Kooks**

I hated flying, absolutely hated it. Even though Alice had gotten me a first class seat, which meant that I wasn't crammed into a seat next to someone, it didn't stop the massive wave of nausea that rolled through my body the entire damn flight. I couldn't drink anything other than nonalcoholic beverages because then I would pass out and be a total mess the rest of the day. So I sat there with my head leaned back against the headrest, and put my iPod on random shuffle. Nearly five hours later, I made my way off the plane and was carefully trying to balance my suitcase and purse as I made my way down the escalator.

I heard Alice before I saw her, and only a few seconds after I stepped off of the escalator, she ran at a full sprint towards me. Her arms made a death grip around my neck as she hugged me and screamed, "Oh my God, I have missed you so much!"

I laughed, hugging her back and not caring about the strange looks that people were giving us. "Alice, it's only been like a month," I muttered against her shoulder and tried to slowly pull away from her.

"Well it feels like years," she said and finally let go of my neck, only to grab a hold of my hands. "You have no idea how hard it is to be the only girl constantly surrounded by stupid boys!"

"Well I hate to break it to you, Alice, but you knew the risk when you agreed to be Edward's manager," I told her, and couldn't help but laugh when she rolled her eyes.

She grabbed the handle of my suitcase and started pulling it behind her, "Yeah well, when I agreed to that, you were around a hell of a lot more. Then you had to go and be all grown up and decide to actually _work_."

I couldn't stop the obnoxious laughter that left my mouth when she said 'work' like it was the worst sort of cussword. She turned around and winked at me as I followed behind her. Alice could pretend she was miserable, but anyone who really knew her knew she was full of shit. She loved her job; even if it did mean babysitting Edward, and on occasion, a few of his friends.

I had known Alice for almost ten years and only a few months longer than I had known Edward. When I moved to Seattle, I didn't know anyone other than Jasper Whitlock who had been one of my closest friends back home in Texas. Jasper had left for Washington the day after he graduated high school, leaving me behind for another two years until I finished school. The second I got to Seattle, Alice had practically adopted me as her best friend. She claimed that even though she was only dating Jasper, since I was like a sister to him that made me her sister, too. Ten years later nothing had changed other than the fact that they were now married; I was still treated like the kid sister.

If it wasn't for Alice, I never would have met Edward. She had forced me to go to that stupid Halloween party dressed an absurd fairy. Bigger girls just shouldn't ever dress up as anything that involved a tutu and prancing, but there I was covered in glitter and kept hitting people with the wings she had attached to my back. I was miserable. When Alice basically bribed Edward, who was Jasper's best friend, to come talk to me, it only made it worse. He made fun of my accent and I swear for the first hour that I talked to him, I thought he was a complete jackass. That was until we both got a little too drunk and started swapping Jasper stories. It might have been a little childish to bond by making fun of one of our best friend for hours on end, but neither Edward nor I claimed to be adults.

Edward Cullen was…well, I guess the best way to describe him would be to say that he was perfectly imperfect. He was gorgeous and he knew it. With his _perfect _chiseled jaw, _perfect_ brooding eyes and _perfect_ unkempt hair, he looked like the _perfect_ male. The fact that he was a musician and could pretty much play any instrument you handed him only made him more attractive. Outside, Edward might have seemed perfect, but inside he was a jackass, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He was moody and at times could just be downright stubborn. He could act like a spoiled child and yet still be annoyingly charming. It was infuriating, but that didn't change the fact that he was my best friend.

When Edward told me he was a musician, I figured he played in some garage band and that it was nothing more than a hobby. I had no idea that it was literally his life. For years he played in bars, coffee houses, or even just standing out on the sidewalk. He would get discouraged and want to quit and I would be the one to convince him to keep going. Then a few years later, he decided to tour on his own for the summer, playing in dumpy bars in towns that none of us had ever even heard of. We all piled into Edward's mom's old suburban (nicknamed the burb) and traveled all over the United States from California to Arizona, Colorado to Texas, Tennessee to New York, and everywhere in between. That was one of the best summers of my life, and probably when I realized that I was in love with Edward Cullen.

Somewhere along the way, while driving down the highway with the windows rolled down and staying in crappy motels, I fell head over heels in love with my best friend. To this day he didn't know, and outside of Alice, I wasn't sure anyone else did either. I was Edward's best friend and considered 'one of the guys.' I was the girl he got "relationship" advice from, even though the only relationship that kid had ever been in was set to fail from the get-go. I was the girl that picked his drunken ass up off the floor and made him start over. I was good ol' Bella, the one that told him on a daily basis that he would make it. And now, all of these years later, he finally had.

After so many years of hard work, rejection, and putting up with complete bullshit from bar owners, other bands, and eventually record companies, Edward had officially made it. For the past few years Edward and Alice had been working religiously to get to this point, headlining his own tour.

I had missed out on the last few years, forgoing being a groupie to finish college and actually become an adult. That meant me being in Seattle while Edward, Jasper, Alice, and even Edward's brother Emmett, moved around from town to town, eventually touring full time with bigger bands. I was the one left behind, flying out to see them on occasion and getting drunken text messages from Jasper and Emmett in the middle of the night after shows. If I was being honest with myself, which I hardly ever was, me going back to Seattle was more about trying to get over my Edward infatuation and less about being an adult. But when our endless conversations in person just got transferred to the phone, I knew I didn't stand a chance. Like it or not, I loved him, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. So here I was, still slightly nauseous, still in love, still pathetic, and excited as hell to see Edward's first show of his tour.

I followed Alice out of the airport and listened to her explain what the plan for today was. When we reached an enormous black SUV, I just kept walking. She called my name and I stopped and looked back at her. "Were you just going to walk back?" she asked me with a laugh.

I looked at the new and expensive looking car and blinked. This was a definite upgrade from "the burb." Before I could say anything, Jasper was getting out of the car. The second I saw his shaggy hair and his long ass legs, I ran at him. Edward may have been my best friend but I had known Jasper pretty much my entire life. He was like a big brother to me, and Jasper was my little piece of Texas. When I was near him, it felt like being at home; he was comfortable.

"J!" I screamed and launched myself at him. His long arms wrapped around me and we both started talking a mile a minute. That eventually led to both of us laughing, and then Alice threatening to leave us both if we didn't hurry. Edward and Emmett would joke around that Jasper and I had a thing for each other, but that was far from the truth. The thought of Jasper like that made me vomit a little in my mouth.

I climbed into the back seat of the car and as soon as Alice put the key in the ignition I reached forward, slapping Jasper's hand out of the way, and nudged the tooled leather cross hanging from the rearview mirror.

"HAH! Yes, I got it!" I laughed and leaned back in my seat. It was our game, a game all of us had played since our summer touring. As soon as we were all inside and the car was started, whoever touched the cross hanging from the rearview mirror first got to control the car rules. The "car rules" included the music selections, when we stopped to go to the bathroom, car games, and on occasion (normally when we were all arguing), complete silence. Alice and I hardly ever won, basically because we would get shoved out of the way by the much larger boys traveling with us. Luckily Jasper normally won and he was pretty decent about letting us stop for bathroom breaks that didn't involve us squatting on the side of the road. Alice reached back and gave me a high-five before pulling out of the parking space.

"I let you have that one because I felt sorry for you," Jasper looked back at me and smiled. "Besides, I would have let you have the radio anyway. Edward made you a CD."

I took the CD case he was handing me and smiled like an idiot. I shouldn't get this giddy about a CD, especially when Edward had been making them for me since I'd met him, but the fact that he had made them meant he was thinking about me. And when you are sad and pathetic like I am, you get worked up about that shit. I gave Jasper the CD and read the back of the case.

_To returning where you belong. EC_

I smiled at his horrible handwriting and tried to fight back the excitement bubbling in my stomach. His definition of where I belonged was not the same as mine. My definition was with Edward, in bed, with his arms wrapped around me and his lips on mine. His definition was… well with the group. He meant me touring with them, being backstage and playing the groupie. I sighed and tried to ignore the fact that my excitement had faded and was now replaced with annoyance.

"Ready?" Jasper asked me and I nodded. "I'm betting sappiness."

Alice shook her head and looked back at me in the rearview mirror. "No, I am betting nostalgic."

I laughed at both of them taking bets on what kind of CD Edward had made me. There was always a theme, and through the years I had gotten very good at predicting what songs would be on there. "I'm with Alice. He's been reminiscing about old times lately."

Sure enough the first song on the CD was _My Girl_ by the Temptations and Alice and I both clapped with victory while Jasper groaned. Nostalgic it was! That had been the song that was playing when Edward and I tried to dance at the Halloween party. And by tried I mean falling all over each other while laughing hysterically.

The CD played and it was hilariously predictable. Alice rolled the windows down and the three of us sang along with the delightfully cliché like _Sweet Home Alabama_ and _Free Falling_ and even the surprising eighties classics that meant very little to Alice or Jasper, but held a ton of private jokes for me.

"My-My-My-My WHOA! My-My-My-Sharona!" Jasper sang loudly while Alice bobbed her head along with the music. I was laughing and singing along, watching the city pass us as Alice drove extremely too fast. I saw a sign for a 7-11 and grinned.

"CAR RULE!" I screamed and Jasper nearly jumped out of his seat. "Car rule to stop at the 7-11!" Alice laughed and cut someone off to pull into the off ramp. We all bounced around the car as she swerved and skidded until we finally came to a stop in the 7-11 parking lot. I undid my seatbelt and practically sprinted inside.

I heard the chime go off when Jasper and Alice came inside and Jasper groaned when he saw me at the Slur-pee machine. "Oh, God! If you puke, Bella, I am not cleaning it up this time!" I ignored him and poured the Coca-Cola Slur-pee into the biggest cup they had. Alice grabbed Nerds and a package of Zingers and met me at the cash register.

"Why two?" she asked, looking down at the Slur-pees I set on the counter.

"One for me and one for Edward," I shrugged and pulled my wallet out of my purse. Alice pushed my wallet away and paid for the drinks and snacks. She gave me a look that either meant I was crazy or that she was annoyed, and put her sunglasses back over her eyes.

"What?" I asked and followed her out to the car. We got in, and without even hesitating, I asked her what that look was supposed to mean. "What? Does Edward not like Slur-pees now or something?"

She sighed and turned in her seat to look at me. "I wasn't going to tell you this, but I don't want you to get yourself hurt."

I looked nervously at Jasper who was looking down at his feet. "Okay?" I said quietly and sat back. "What's going on?"

"Bella, you can't go all puppy love on Edward again. You just can't," she said bluntly and I felt my mouth fall open. It took me a second to recover and then I just glared at her. She shook her head and pulled her sunglasses back on top of her head. "Jasper knows, Bella! Everyone but Edward knows!"

My mouth fell open again and Jasper turned in his seat to look at me. "I've known you since you were five, do you really think I wouldn't figure this out?"

I stared at him for a second before looking back at Alice, who was watching me with a look of frustration and worry on her face. "How long has everyone known?"

"Pretty much when you decided to stay in Seattle," she reached out and took my hand. "Jasper's known since I told him the night after you told me." I glared at her again and she shook her head. "Bella, he had some suspicions and I wasn't going to lie to him!"

"Okay, so everyone knows. Why would that hurt me? If Edward doesn't know then… then I guess that's fine," I tried to sound sure of myself but I knew I didn't pull it off. If Emmett knew, the chances that he was going to keep that shit to himself were pretty slim. He would use it to aggravate me and then I would just end up telling Edward myself to make Emmett shut up. "I promise I won't say anything to screw up his shows, Alice."

"I could care less about Edward where this is concerned!" she practically yelled, and both Jasper and I leaned away from her. "I don't want you to get hurt, Bella! I love Edward like he was my brother or something, but he can be a jerk! He takes advantage of you, and you take that to mean that he loves you!"

"I do not!" I protested, but in actuality I did. Damn it.

"He does love her Alice," Jasper said quietly and looked back at me. "He does, but I just don't think it's the same kind of love you have for him."

"Jasper, you know just as much as I do that he uses her!" Alice snapped again and they started arguing.

I looked at both of them, completely confused. I talked to Edward nearly every day on the phone. Just because I hadn't seen him in like six months didn't mean that we hadn't kept in contact. The way they were acting made it seem like my heart would go to mush the second I saw him. "Okay, this can't just be about me having feelings for Edward, so why don't you fess up and tell me what the hell is going on." Alice looked at Jasper expectantly and I frowned.

"Edward saw Jane a few nights ago," he said quietly.

Oh.

"We don't know if they are getting back together, but you know what their track record is," Jasper finished and reached out and held onto my knee. "We just didn't want you to be surprised if she showed up tonight."

I nodded and looked out of the window for a second before closing my eyes and shaking my head. Freaking Jane? Really? She was a whore. I mean, there was just no other way to put it. Jane was bad news for Edward and always had been. She got him involved in shit that he never should have been into and literally turned is life upside-down. Edward had smoked weed since we'd met, but when he started dating Jane, the drinking became more frequent and the drugs got harder.

To say that Jane hated me was a huge understatement. She loathed me and I pretty much felt the same way about her. A few months into their relationship, I got tired of her constant attacks about my weight or looks and stupid attempts to make me out to be the bad guy, so I made the choice to stay away. I didn't talk to Edward for nearly a year other than a few random text messages, a couple of e-mails, and a handful of seriously awkward phone conversations. I heard second-hand about all of the shit he was getting into and it only infuriated me more. I tried to talk to him about it, which ended up with him being pissed off at me for being "intrusive," and me being mad at him for being a dumbass. Edward's life had become nothing but debauchery and recklessness and it was like I didn't know him anymore.

A few months after our fight I got a phone call that changed my life, literally. When you get a phone call at three in the morning, you know it isn't anything good. I picked up the phone, half asleep, and could only hear breathing on the other end.

"Listen, I'm not really in the mood for this shit, so either say something or fuck off," I said angrily and was two seconds away from hanging up, when I heard Edward's voice mumble my name. It was horse, and gravely, and utterly broken.

"Edward?" I sat up in bed, immediately panicked. "Are you okay?"

That was a stupid question, because obviously he wasn't. He muttered something about needing me, and after finding out where he was, I hurriedly pulled clothes on and drove entirely too fast to the motel he was staying it. The fact that he was staying at some roach motel and not his apartment should have been my first clue that something was seriously wrong, but I ignored my nervousness and apprehension and agreed to see him anyway.

I walked into that room to find a ghost of the Edward I knew. He was thin to the point that he looked malnourished and had dark circles under his eyes. He was sitting on the floor with his legs bent and his arms resting on his knees, leaning back against the sliding glass door to the patio with a lit cigarette dangling between his fingers. The sheer curtains blowing from the night wind filtered in through the open door beside him, making the whole thing seem like some sort of dream.

It took less than a minute for me to take in all of the details around him, including the total destruction of pretty much everything in room and the gun sitting on the floor between his feet. "Edward," I whispered, and shut the door behind me. I stood with my back against it, scared to move or speak. My heart was racing but I tried to at least make myself seem calm.

"She left," he told me, looking up at me and narrowing his eyes.

I had no clue what to say. I hated Jane and wanted to tell him he was better off without her and that she was nothing but a parasite to him. But I knew better. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. I took a tentative step forward, his eyes opened and he watched me, but when he didn't say anything, I kept moving forward until I was standing in front of him. He kept watching me as I kneeled down slowly and picked the gun up. I stood back up, took it into the bathroom and left it sitting on the counter. I shut the door behind me and went back to Edward and sat on the floor next to him.

We sat there for a few minutes in silence until he eventually looked over at me and told me what happened. I listened as he told me about the drugs, the massive amounts of money he had wasted, how his music had all but ended, the life he had been living, and finally about Jane leaving. There was no reason or understanding to it other than she was simply done with him.

He looked so broken and defeated that it made me sick to my stomach. I looked around the room and decided the first thing we needed to do was leave. I helped Edward up off the floor, trying to ignore the way his jeans sagged on his hips or how his ribs protruded from his body. I picked up a shirt that was torn in several places but put it on him anyway. I took him to my apartment and finally convinced him to go to sleep. He fell back against my bed and shook his head as I pulled the blankets around him, muttering something about being a mistake and a waste of a human being. I ignored him, fighting back the urge to argue with him and tell him he was wrong.

"Stay," he had whispered and grabbed my hand as I started to turn away. "Please…"

I nodded and awkwardly got into the bed next to him. It had been over a year since I had fallen asleep with Edward and I wasn't sure what to do. Thankfully he rolled over onto his side so he was facing me and took my hand. I watched him until I knew that he really was asleep and slowly got out of bed. I started panicking, not really sure what it was I should be doing.

I ignored the fact that it was nearly five in the morning and called the only two people I knew who could help me. I called Jasper first, and after a brief explanation, he told me he would take care of the motel room and would meet me at my apartment after. As soon as we hung up I called Edward's mother. As I expected, Edward hadn't talked to his parents in months. I skipped over most of the horrific details when I told Esme what was going on, but I knew she wasn't stupid. She was scared, like we all were, but she and Carlisle had to make the decision that none of us could.

That afternoon, when Edward woke up, he walked into my living room and found his parents, Jasper, Alice, Emmett and myself all sitting there waiting on him. Call it an intervention or whatever you want to, but that day, the six of us point blank told Edward he had to get help. He refused rehab, telling us that he could do it on his own. He did, and a few months after he had gotten back on track, we took the summer pilgrimage. That was the summer that Edward found himself again. And the fact that he was even talking to that bitch again tainted the memories of that summer.

"Is he drinking?" I asked bluntly and looked at Alice. Jasper would sugar coat the answer to try and make me feel better. Alice would tell me the truth.

She shook her head. "Not a lot, a beer every now and then."

"Drugs?" I asked without hesitation.

"Just weed," Jasper answered and I looked at him. He answered the next question before I even asked it. "I know its weed, Bella, but that's a hell of a lot better than that shit he was doing before."

I shook my head and sighed. "Do Carlisle and Esme know?"

Alice shook her head. "We don't know what this is, Bella. I mean, she could have just wanted to wish him good luck."

"She flew all the way out here to wish him good luck?" I asked her, not hiding the rudeness in my voice. "Hell Alice, I could have come last week and Edward told me to come today. Obviously this meeting with Jane is about something else. He's hiding it from me, and I want to know why."

"You know why, Bella," Jasper told me. "He doesn't want you to know about it because he knows you will either get mad or hurt, or both."

We could sit there all damn day and analyze why Edward was such a dumbass, but the fact of the matter was that Edward was going to explain this to me himself. I sat there, not talking or listening as Alice and Jasper talked. When the car finally stopped, I got out and without hesitating, started marching up to the tour bus sitting in the enclosed parking lot. Without knocking, I went inside, only to find it empty. I slammed the door shut behind me and went back out into the parking lot.

"Bella, you can't just walk around without your pass," Alice ran up to me and handed me a piece of plastic attached to a lanyard. "This isn't like it was before."

I stood there, fuming, but let her at least try to calm me down. I had been so freaking happy to be here. So excited for Edward and Alice, for all of their hard work paying off, but right now I really just wanted to strangle him.

"I know you're mad, Bella, but you can't just go in there and start yelling at him. He has a show tonight. You guys can talk about it later." Jasper put both of his hands on my shoulders and dropped his head so he could look me in the eyes. "Okay?" After a few minutes, I finally convinced him I was calm and followed behind Alice as she walked inside.

I could hear the sound of a guitar, and eventually Edward's singing, and that was all it took to distract me. Again, I fully admitted to myself how pathetic I was. I sighed and followed Alice down a hallway leading to an open floor space. Jasper threw an arm around my shoulders and stopped when I did. There were people walking around and I briefly looked around, but like the sap I am, my eyes immediately found Edward and it was like everything else disappeared.

He had his eyes closed and his face was all scrunched up just like it always was when he sang with so much emotion. It was adorable and hot. After a brief second to allow myself to swoon, I took in the rest of his appearance. He looked…good. He seemed to have gained a little weight but it only made him look better. His hair was all over the place, that was nothing new, but it had always suited him. I sighed and shook my head. He was fucking perfect.

"BELLA!" I jumped when I heard someone yell my name. Edward had stopped singing, but it was his brother Emmett that had called my name and was running at me. I tried to hide behind Jasper but it didn't do any good--I was pulled into a massive hug by Emmett as he swung me back and forth.

"Careful, Emmett, she had a Slur-pee on the way here," Jasper warned and was thankfully there to catch me when Emmett let me go mid-swing.

"God, I throw up once and you people will not let me live it down!" I groaned playfully. Emmett looked at me carefully, I assumed to make sure I wasn't going to throw up, and then pulled me into another hug. "Hi, Emmett!" I laughed and smiled when he let me go.

"Dude, we have to party while you're here!" He started planning a weekend's worth of activities, but stopped and smiled at something over my shoulder. I turned around and couldn't stop from smiling, too.

Edward had jumped off the stage and was running over to us. I wanted to be totally cheesy and run at him, letting us have a magical reunion in the middle of the arena where he could then pick me up and declare his undying love and affection. But that didn't happen.

"Cricket!" he yelled and pulled me into a hug. I hit his shoulder for using that damn nickname, but it didn't do any good. He just hugged me and swung me around until I threatened to throw up on him. Edward stopped swaying but didn't let me out of the hug and I finally just let myself enjoy it. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly to me. "I have missed you so much," he mumbled against the top of my head.

_Damn it_, I thought to myself and inwardly sighed. I looked over at Alice and chose to ignore how she was pursing her lips.

"Me, too," I let go of him and smiled. "You're a star! My best friend is famous!" I said in an overly sarcastic voice and clapped my hands.

He rolled his eyes and pushed against my shoulder. "Did you like the CD?" I nodded and tried to ignore how all of our friends were now trying to discreetly leave us alone.

"It was a little cheesy with the whole _Livin' on a Prayer_ thing, but I guess I can overlook that," I shrugged and tried to act like the fact that he had even made the damn CD wasn't a big deal to me. I used sarcasm as a crutch and thankfully Edward never caught on.

"I could have used _Fat Bottomed Girls_ and I didn't, so really, you should be thanking me," he laughed and jumped back before I could hit him. I knew he wasn't referring to the fact that I did in fact have a big ass, but instead was referring to the time I got completely trashed and ran up and down the hallway at the hotel we were staying at screaming the lyrics to that song at the top of my lungs. "Are you gonna take me home tonight?" Edward sang, and I shook my head and turned to walk off.

I hadn't even made it three steps when his arm was slung around my shoulders and he was pulling me into him. "Oh, come on, don't walk away. I've missed you." I finally gave in and let him hug me again, I mean, because really, I didn't like it or anything. "What's the plan this afternoon?" he asked after letting me go and I shrugged.

"Alice just said I could hang out here while you do…whatever it is you do…and then go back to the hotel with her and Jasper to change and stuff."

"Did she get you your own room? Or do you need to share with me?" he asked and gently pulled on the end of my hair. I slapped his hand away and tried really hard to not act excited that he was basically asking me if I wanted to share his hotel room. I did, I mean, I really did, but then I remembered that this was Edward. And Edward would never love me the same way I loved him.

"No, I got a room," I said, hoping he didn't catch the way my voice cracked.

He looked at me, giving me that damn know it all grin and pulled me off to meet everyone. I knew a few of them since some of his "people" were friends from the past few years, but I met a few new ones, too.

The whole set up was way bigger than anything I had ever experienced and it was very surreal. I sat around and talked to Emmett and Jasper while Edward finished his rehearsal, and afterwards all of us piled back into Alice's car to drive back to the hotel. I elbowed Emmett in the stomach in my attempt to get car rules, but Jasper had longer arms and beat me. We drove the rest of the way listening to talk radio and I knew he was only doing it to be a jerk. Jasper hated talk radio.

Seeing Edward being treated like a celebrity was both confusing and hilarious. We were walking through the lobby of the hotel, and one second I am talking to Edward, and the next thing I know, I am being shoved aside by a group of screaming teenagers. He laughed nervously and tried to sign everything they shoved at him and even posed for a few pictures. When he signed some girls arm, I snorted obnoxiously and followed Alice to the elevators.

Jasper and Emmett finally got him away from the mob of fangirls and the second the elevator doors closed, I turned to Edward. "Hey, can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, what do you need?" he asked without hesitation.

"Can you sign my face?" I asked, trying as hard as I could to not laugh. That didn't stop the rest of them though, and we spent the rest of the elevator ride laughing while Edward pretended to pout.

Tonight was gonna be a blast!

**AN: So yeah… like I really needed another story. But this is actually something I've been working on for over a year and I am super proud of it! Through the entire story, all of the chapter titles will be song titles that are kind of a soundtrack to Bella and Edward's story. I would suggest listening to them, because it will explain a lot, especially if you look at the lyrics closely. **

**I hope you guys liked it, and thanks to all of the cool chicks that did some pre-reading for me. Thanks to Mels for being a fill in Beta since my go to girl's computer died. And thanks to you for even giving this story a chance.**

**Hugs and kisses!!- C**


	2. On Call

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Kings of Leon… dang it.**

** "I'm on call, to be there. One and all, to be there. And when I fall, to pieces. Lord you know, I'll be there waiting." – On Call, Kings of Leon**

To say Edward had freaked out when he learned that I'd be staying in Seattle instead of touring with them would be an understatement. I didn't think he was mad at me, just the situation. I was pretty sure that I had become something like a security blanket to him, and the fact that I wouldn't be with him every step of the way scared him. He spent a week begging me to just go with them, even offering to call my parents and explain why I had dropped out of yet another semester. I might have agreed, but when Edward told me I could become a full-time groupie, I decided that I wasn't going to change my mind. Even though he had only been joking, that shit still hurt.

That's all I was to Edward, a groupie. I was his permanent fan and cheerleader. I was there to reassure him and encourage him, which I didn't mind doing, really. But the fact that he expected it, and probably wouldn't ever see me as anything else, annoyed me. Alice was his manager, Jasper did his merchandizing, and even Emmett had a job title as a faux-bodyguard. And though I loved Edward, I wasn't going to settle for being his permanent groupie.

The night before they left I cried like a baby while I sat backstage at the rundown bar Edward was playing at. I was scared to death that things would change, that the "family" dynamic we had all developed would be destroyed by the fact that I wasn't going to be around anymore. I was scared of being replaced, both within the group, and especially by Edward. When Alice walked in and saw me crying, I didn't even try to hide it. She sat and listened to me throughout his entire show while I explained that I had let myself fall in love with Edward. She didn't judge me, but offered her advice, which was to either tell Edward how I felt or to try and move on. I chose the chicken-shit way out and decided to just act like nothing had changed.

There was no way Edward could ever love someone like me. I wasn't beautiful or extraordinary. I was plain, overweight, and slightly neurotic. It was enough that Edward was my best friend, and I didn't want to take the chance of ruining that by telling him I loved him.

The next morning after breakfast, I stood in the Denny's parking lot and watched as my extended family double-checked that they had everything before they left. I hugged Jasper, making him promise to keep an eye on Edward. After he swore to me that he would, he passed me off to Alice. She cried and I cried, because really we were both emotional saps. Emmett, like always, hugged me while swinging me back and forth. He promised to have a shot for me in every bar they went to before he told me goodbye. They all piled into the car, leaving Edward and I standing there.

"You're sure this is what you want?" he asked in a voice that was mixed with annoyance and uncertainty. The only thing I could do was nod and look at the pavement. If I looked at him and saw those freaking sad eyes, I would give in. Edward took the first step forward, and I followed. When we met in the middle and he pulled me into a hug, I fisted the back of his jacket with my hands.

"Edward, will you do something for me?" I whispered against his shoulder, and he nodded his head. I slowly pulled away from him, and without even trying to hide the tears that were streaming down my face, I looked up at him. "Promise me you will be great."

He sighed. "I can't promise you that Bella…"

I shook my head and interrupted him. "You can, Edward, and you will. This is what you're supposed to do, I can feel it."

"Then why can't you come with us?"

My breath caught in my chest when I saw the way he was looking at me, and even though I wanted to just give in, I remembered why I couldn't. I smiled my best fake-smile and held his face between my hands. "Please just promise me, Edward."

He sighed and stared down at me. "I promise."

I smiled, a real smile this time, and let his face go. He pulled me into another hug and I let myself get lost in it. I tried to absorb as much of him as I could: his scent, the way I felt when his arms were around me, even the way his heart sounded when my head was pressed against his chest. Much too soon he let me go, and I was sure I felt my heart break a little.

He handed me a CD, and I handed him an envelope. He looked at it before he raised an eyebrow and looked down at me. "What's this?"

"It's a letter, but you can't open it until you get there tonight."

"Why?" he asked with a slight laugh.

"Well, I guess you can open it now, but if you start crying in front of everyone, don't say I didn't warn you." I shrugged and tucked the CD into my purse. He only nodded, folded the envelope in half, and put it in the back pocket of his jeans.

I was horrible at goodbyes, especially when they were sad. But after another hug, and a promise for a phone call when they got to San Diego, I told Edward goodbye. I watched him climb in the backseat, and after Jasper started the car, I laughed as Emmett pushed him aside to get car rules. I stood there waving until their car disappeared, and even though that had been one of the hardest decisions I had ever had to make, I knew that it was the right one.

*** *** ***

After an afternoon of sitting around and catching up with everyone, I found myself sitting in a private suite with Edward's family, waiting for the opening act to come on. Edward was a little miffed to find out that I wasn't going to be backstage, but this was one show I really wanted to watch. I wanted to sit up here and cry with Esme and have the freedom to ogle Edward without Alice watching me. That and I couldn't handle the screaming teenagers that had somehow wrangled backstage passes.

I was enjoying the conversation I was having with Edward's parents until Alice came running into the room, looking frazzled and annoyed. "Is everything okay?" I asked wearily as I stood up.

"Edward's having a hissy fit and he won't talk to anyone but you." She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. "You have to talk to him Bella."

"Is he okay?" Esme asked nervously. Alice's phone started ringing and she sighed before answering it.

"I'm sure he's fine, just preshow jitters," I answered for Alice, giving her a reassuring smile as I followed her back out into the hallway. Once she got off the phone, I asked her what was going on.

"I have no idea. I mean, he was totally fine for the sound check!" Alice threw her hands up and held the elevator door open for me. "I just went back there to make sure he was okay and found him holed-up in his dressing room, refusing to talk to anyone!"

I followed behind her as we went backstage, and it shocked me to see how hectic it was. There were people everywhere, and it was extremely loud. When we reached Edward's dressing room, I saw Jasper and Emmett leaning against the wall; both of them looked annoyed.

"He's in a mood," Emmett told me and rolled his eyes. I didn't need an explanation; I knew full-well what he was talking about. Edward always got moody before shows.

I smiled as Alice ushered Emmett and Jasper away from the door and knocked loudly.

"Go away Emmett!" I heard Edward yell from the other side of the door, and couldn't help but laugh.

"Edward?" I yelled and knocked again. "Edward, its Bella!"

The door cracked open and I smiled when Edward's head appeared. He pulled me inside, shutting and locking the door behind us. I shook my head at how absolutely insane Edward looked. His hair was all over the place, which was nothing new, but mixed with the skin tight leather pants, low cut white shirt and necklaces he had on, he looked a little ridiculous.

"What the hell are you wearing?" I laughed and tried to hide the fact that those pants did in fact make certain areas of his body look fantastic. "Are you wearing guy-liner Edward?"

He rolled his eyes and walked around me. "I look like a fucking tool!" I decided that agreeing might make things worse, so I just shrugged my shoulders. "They are telling me I have to wear this." He threw his hands up and started pacing back and forth in front of me.

"They who?" I asked and sat on the arm of the chair. I knew for a fact that Alice would never make him wear something like that.

"The damn fashion director that the label hired for this tour," he muttered and turned to face me. "Bella, I cannot wear this!"

"Okay, then change. I mean, will she really be that pissed?"

"She is a he. Laurent is his name," he muttered, pulling a towel off of the vanity to rub the eyeliner off of his eyes. "And I would change, but all I have are my jeans and shirt from this afternoon! All of the clothes he brought in are horrible!"

I got up and took the towel away from him. "Edward, sit down and take a deep breath."

He sighed and threw himself into the chair I had just vacated. I wet the end of the towel and started rubbing away the eyeliner that did, in fact, look horrible on him. Edward had beautiful eyes and he didn't need eyeliner to enhance them.

Edward leaned his head back to rest on the back of the chair to let me take the rest of the eyeliner off. I finished and threw the towel into the corner. He looked up at me, and though I tried to give him a reassuring smile, he still just shook his head.

"Where are the clothes?" I asked and looked around. He pointed to a door and I went in. There were three racks of clothes, and like Edward had said, all of them were pretty bad. I pushed aside sequins and leather and wondered who the hell thought any of this was fashionable. I found a dark pair of jeans and pulled them off the hanger. "Okay, you were right. Those clothes are horrible."

He looked up at me when I threw the jeans at him. "And what about a shirt?" he asked.

"The shirt isn't the problem, Edward. Just put the jeans on and we can go from there," I told him, and he got up and went into the small room to change. I sat back down and sent a quick text message to Alice to let her know that Edward wasn't having a mental breakdown and waited for him to come back out. Ten minutes later, I was still sitting there.

I walked over to the door and knocked on it lightly. "Edward, are you okay?"

"No!" he growled before he started shouting curse words.

"What's wrong?"

"Bella… I…."

I nervously bit my bottom lip. "What is it?"

"Are you really my best friend?" he asked after a few seconds of silence.

Okay, that was not what I was expecting, but I just went with it. "Yes," I answered truthfully. There was more silence. "Edward, you're starting to scare me."

"I can't get these fucking pants off!" he yelled.

I had to bit my lip to keep from laughing. "Edward, I can help you. It isn't like I haven't seen you in boxers before." I sighed and leaned against the door.

"That's the fucking problem!" he yelled again and I stared at the door. "I couldn't wear underwear with these!"

Oh. My. God. I snorted and covered my mouth, hoping he hadn't heard me. Unfortunately, he did.

"Bella, this is not even remotely funny," he said in an annoyed voice.

"Okay, okay. I'm going to come in and help you, and I promise I won't look," I said with the most serious voice I could muster. The truth was that I was sure as hell going to look every chance I got; call me a perv if you want to. After a few seconds he agreed, so I slowly opened the door. I kept my eyes trained on the ceiling as I walked in and shut the door behind me. "How many steps do I take to get to you?"

Edward muttered something before he told me to take three steps forward. I held my arms out in front of me and took the three steps before I finally felt Edward's hand grab mine to guide me over to him.

"How are we going to do this without you looking?" he asked me in an annoyed voice and I shrugged. "Just fucking look, Bella. We aren't fifteen!"

I bit my bottom lip and lowered my eyes to his face. He looked frustrated and annoyed, and slightly embarrassed. "Aren't you glad I'm your best friend?" I asked sarcastically.

"Oh yes, this just makes my day." He laughed and fell backward into a chair. He pulled the bottom on his shirt down and I had to really fight back the urge to laugh. I had never seen Edward fully naked, but had come close on several occasions. The fact that he was being so modest was both hilarious and endearing.

"If Emmett or Jasper wouldn't have made a big fucking deal about this, I would have asked them for help," he explained in a small voice.

I nodded and said, "Okay, give me your leg." With a sigh, I grabbed his foot when he held it up, then held onto the bottom of his pants and pulled. Nothing happened. I dropped his leg. "Okay, we have to try something else."

Several minutes later, we were both panting from the exertion we had put forth trying to get his damn pants off. We had tried a couple different options, including me straddling his leg and pulling forward while he pushed on my ass. I was pretty sure that it had embarrassed for both of us.

He groaned and threw his head back as I stumbled forward. "We're gonna have to cancel the show because I can't get my fucking pants off!"

"Edward, don't be so dramatic! The opening act hasn't even gone on yet." I pulled on the waistband of the pants further, rolling them down as far as I could. "They're stuck on your calves; that's the whole problem. Not to mention the fact that you're sweating now."

We both looked down at his legs and Edward sighed. "So what do we do?"

"Hold on," I told him and went back into the other room. I looked around for the familiar blue Tupperware box that had always been a permanent fixture in Edward's dressing room. I found it in the corner and silently thanked Alice for being so prepared. I pulled the lid open and found the pair of utility scissors she kept in there. I went back to find Edward rubbing his forehead, talking to himself.

"How do you feel about buying those pants Edward?" I asked and snapped the scissors dramatically.

He smiled as he looked up at me. "Cut the bitches off."

After a few minutes, Edward was finally dressed in jeans and the white shirt. The shredded leather pants were thrown in a heap on the floor. He refused to wear the necklaces, but I finally talked him into keeping the boots. His ratty tennis shoes wouldn't match at all.

"So, you're okay now?" I asked him quietly a while later. Emmett and Jasper were both talking loudly while Edward did his warm-up vocals. Alice was pacing back and forth around the room while talking on her cell phone. I smiled at how oddly familiar the scene was.

He nodded and I pushed myself off the couch and slapped his back. "Okay. See ya after the show then."

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice still mid-song.

I couldn't help but laugh, which made him roll his eyes. "I'm sitting with your parents. I told you that."

"Why? Why can't you stay backstage?" He had stopped warming up all together and was watching me.

"I guess I could, but I really want to see this show… You know, not stand back here where I can't hear anything surrounded by screaming teenage girls who are trying to throw their training bras at you." I smiled and ignored his pouting face. "You'll be great."

"Great!" he shouted, mocking my voice. I hit his arm and he said, "Fine, whatever… Go ditch me for my mother."

"Aw, don't be sad Edward. I just like her better," I kidded before telling everyone bye.

I was walking out the door when Edward stopped me. "Bella…"

"Yeah?" I asked, still holding onto the door knob.

He stood there for a second before he walked over and pulled me into a hug. I laughed and hugged him back, trying to make him think (and maybe convince myself) that this wasn't a big deal, that my heart didn't break out into a sprint every time he touched me. Alice gave me an exasperated look and I glared at her over his shoulder.

"Thank you," he whispered against the top of my head.

I pulled away from him. "For what?"

He put both of his hands on my shoulders and looked at me. "I couldn't have done any of this without you."

I wanted to cry… like a sap. Those words meant a lot more to me than they should have, and after a brief hesitation, I smiled and shook my head. "You did this yourself, Edward."

"I make the music, but if it wasn't for you… for Alice and Jasper… my family… I wouldn't be here. You guys deserve credit." He smiled and looked down at me. "I don't know how I can ever repay you for…"

I interrupted him, once again relying on my sarcasm to hide the fact that I was literally hanging on every word he said. "I've told you from the beginning that all I ask is that a song is written about me. Oh, and I want a 'Thank you' in all of your acceptance speeches, and a line in the CD credits." I shrugged when he laughed and shook his head. "I don't really think that's asking too much."

"I did say 'Thank you' in the CD credits…"

"No, you said 'For my Cricket'… That's not my name," I argued with him.

"That's your nickname," he said and we were both interrupted by Emmett.

"Give a little whistle!" he yelled and Jasper whistled.

I glared at both of them. I hated that nickname and they all knew it. It had all started when Edward had called me his conscious, deciding that after the whole Jane thing that I should be the one to make major decisions for him. That led to Emmett saying that I was like Jiminy Cricket from _Pinocchio_, and when it was eventually shorted to Cricket, I hadn't been able to live it down. Jasper and Emmett would sometimes hum the damn song and Edward would finish up by saying, "And always let your conscious be your guide!" It was annoying as shit… Even Alice agreed with me.

"Well, if that's all then I'm leaving." I turned to walk away, but Edward stopped me again.

"Seriously, thank you, Bella,"

"You're welcome." I hugged him again and smiled. "Have a good show."

I shut the door and was heading back down the hallway when I heard it open and shut again; I turned around to find Emmett trotting toward me. He threw an arm around my shoulder and began leading me down the hallway again.

"What are you doing?" I laughed and wrapped an arm around his back. I liked Emmett for several reasons: one being that he was obnoxious ninety percent of the time and two because he was so freaking huge. Call it vain if you want to, but I loved standing next to Emmett because he made me feel smaller. If I stood next to Alice I looked like a blimp, next to Jasper I looked short and stubby, and next to Edward I just looked pathetic. Emmett was a good two feet taller than I was, and even though he wasn't fat, he was a big guy. Next to him, I almost looked average.

"In case you have forgotten, Miss Swan, I am security," he said in a pompous voice and I snorted. "I would hate for some rabid fan to attack you."

"And why would they attack me? I'm nobody."

He laughed and turned me around a corner. "Bella, you aren't a nobody. You are Edward Cullen's muse and best friend. He loves you."

It felt like my heart had flown up into my throat and I was trying to swallow around it. I stopped automatically and when Emmett turned around and looked at me, I tried to make myself come up with some smart-ass remark; I couldn't.

"It isn't like that, Emmett," I said quietly and I wasn't even sure if he had heard me. He gave me a sad sort of smile and I just shook my head and walked past him.

"Bella, wait!" He ran after me, and even though I wanted to shove him out of the elevator, I just sighed when the doors shut and I was stuck inside with him. "I didn't say that to upset you."

"I know," I muttered and looked down at the floor.

I half-listened as he tried to awkwardly explain what he meant. I nodded and agreed, even though I didn't. My feelings for Edward were not something I liked discussing, especially with his brother. I was Edward's best friend, and yeah, he probably did care for me the same way about me that I did for him. The world didn't work like that, and I wasn't stupid. Girls like me never ended up with guys like Edward.

"If he doesn't come around, I'll marry you myself." Emmett smiled and nudged my shoulder as we walked back to the private suite their family was in.

"Oh, I am sure Rosalie would really love that, Emmett." I sighed and showed the security guard my pass. He let me by while Emmett followed behind me.

"Yeah, I don't think Rosie would like to share me," he muttered, shrugging his shoulders. I couldn't help but laugh. The idea of Rosalie sharing anything was humorous, but the thought of her sharing Emmett was down right hilarious. They had an on- and off-again type of relationship that was normally always on, until Emmett pissed her off. They would be off for a few weeks until he would suck-up enough to her and they would be back together. They hadn't ever dated other people during their off-periods, and I was pretty sure if anyone even tried to touch Emmett, she would hurt them.

I went to open the door, but Emmett stopped me and made me look up at him. "Look, Bella, I know that I can be obnoxious and crass, but I'm not going to say anything to Edward. That's between the two of you." He sighed and I nodded. "But just so you know, if he doesn't come around… then he is a fucking idiot."

"Em…"

"No, I'm serious. You stuck around when a lot of people wouldn't have. Everyone in that room can see how much you love him, and those same people think he is a jackass for not being able to see it himself." He nodded toward the door in front of us and my stomach tightened. "You remember that."

I nodded, and even though I knew he was just trying to make me feel better, it only made it worse. When I walked back into that room, it felt like every person sitting there was staring at me, feeling sorry for the poor chubby girl that was in love with her best friend who was, unfortunately, entirely out of her league.

Rosalie smiled as I walked by, and Emmett threw himself down into the chair next to her. I sat back down next to Esme and gave her a reassuring smile when she asked me if Edward was okay. I sat around and listened to Edward's family talking. I laughed when everyone else laughed and answered when I was asked a question, but for the most part, I sat there and wondered if what Emmett had said was really true.

There were times – normally late at night while I was on the phone with Edward listening to him ramble on about something or play his guitar – where I let myself wonder what it would be like for us to actually be together. He needed someone that would call him out on his bullshit; someone that would understand that music was not just a passion of his, but was literally his life. Edward needed someone that wouldn't be clingy or needy, yet still be supportive of the choices he made. He needed someone that was strong enough to tell him no when he needed to hear it and not back down when he threw a fit; someone a lot like me.

Rosalie nudged my arm, and I shook my head as I looked around. Everyone was standing and clapping and it surprised me. I stood up and looked down at the stage in time to see Edward walk out. The whole place erupted with screaming fans, and it was almost deafening. I smiled and took a deep breath, watching as he pulled his guitar around his shoulders.

He smiled and looked around before stepping up to the microphone. "How you guys doing?"

The crowd broke into another thunderous screaming fit, and I couldn't help but scream, too. I smiled when Rosalie joined in next to me, and both of us turned toward Esme when she started screaming louder than both of us. Carlisle just laughed at all of us and clapped.

"In case you guys haven't figured it out yet, I'm Edward Cullen."

Everyone started screaming again, and the noise was only dimmed by the fast drum sequence that started. I clapped along with the beat and watched as Edward turned away from the crowd and said something to the bassist standing next to him. The two of them laughed, and after a few seconds, Edward stepped back up the microphone and started singing.

As I watched him, I couldn't help but shake from the excitement of the moment. Edward had made it… He was here, doing what he was meant to do, and I loved that I was able to experience it with him. I had heard all of these songs, some of them years before anyone else had, but that didn't stop me from getting excited when I heard the opening notes to the ones that were my favorites.

He finished the last note of a song and took a step back, smiling at the crowd. After switching guitars, he situated the strap around his shoulder and leaned back into the microphone. "So hey, this is my first show on my own tour."

I laughed along with everyone else and smiled as he shook his head at all of the screaming fans. He played a few notes, then looked back up and smiled. "I need to say a quick thank you to my uh… my family – my parents and brother; even my grandparents are here tonight."

I clapped loudly and turned to look at Esme and Carlisle. She was blushing, but the smile that covered her face was filled with pride.

"Hi mom," Edward said with a laugh and waved toward the box that we were sitting in. As if on cue, thousands of eyes turned to look at us. Rosalie and I both sunk down and let Edward's parents and grandparents take the limelight. Esme waved casually, making Rosalie and me laugh.

"There are a few other people up there that I'm not technically related to, but consider family. I think they're hiding," Edward said casually before whistling the damn Jiminy Cricket theme song into the microphone. All of Edward's family turned to look at me and joined Rosalie when started laughing hysterically. I just shook my head; he was going to get it later.

Esme grabbed my hand and pulled me forward even though I shook my head no and asked her not to. Out of desperation, I grabbed Rosalie and drug her forward, too. Both of us stood there awkwardly as Edward laughed, looking at us for a second before he started playing again. Thankfully, it was enough of a distraction for people to stop looking up at us.

"This is one of my mom's favorites, so…" He looked back up at us and smiled. "Mom, this is for you."

I looked over at Esme to see her smiling, and watched as tears started to fall down her cheeks. Carlisle wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and in turn, made me start crying, too. Esme grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to her, and the two of us stood there crying together. Esme watched her son with pride and encouragement while my thoughts drifted in a different direction. I was extremely proud of Edward, but as I stood there watching him, one emotion dominated above all of the rest: lust.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is as sexy as Edward Cullen playing a guitar. I could tell that the back of his hair was damp with sweat, and although it should have made me a little disgusted… it didn't. It was the same with his shirt, which was clinging to him. I loved watching Edward perform, because it was so easy to see how passionate he was. The way his face would contort with emotion, how his movements would become slower or faster depending on the rhythm of the music. I especially loved it when he would sing a longer note and his head would lean back, making the muscles in his neck strain.

I bit my bottom lip and continued to watch him as my brain and heart had an internal struggle for dominance. As always, my brain won out, and I sat there feeling guilty for lusting after my best friend. I jumped when I felt the phone in my back pocket start vibrating. I pulled it out and saw a text message from Jasper asking Rosalie and I to come backstage. I showed her the message and she nodded. After a quick explanation to Esme, the two of us left. Jasper met us at the security gate and ushered us both backstage.

"I didn't think you would mind missing the last few songs," he said, holding the door open.

Alice was standing at the top of the stairs leading to the stage, moving her head along with the music with a huge smile across her face. Emmett pulled Rosalie into a tight hug once we reached him. I shoved my hands in my back pockets and swayed back and forth as Edward finished the song. He thanked the crowd, and after a few seconds, I saw him follow Alice down the stairs.

"Great show!" Alice screamed over the noise of the crowd, and Edward picked her up in a hug and swung her around. Jasper gave me a smile and rolled his eyes.

"What, no encore?" Rosalie teased once he let Alice go, and before anyone could do anything about it, Edward grabbed Rosalie and rubbed his sweaty head all over her shoulders. She started screaming and tried to push him away from her. "That is so gross, Edward!"

He eventually let her go and Rosalie went off pouting to Emmett, who looked like he was trying not to laugh. Alice threw Edward a towel, and he walked toward me while he wiped off his face. "Hey." He smiled once he was closer and took a drink from the water bottle Jasper tossed him.

I laughed and shook my head. "Hey."

"So, I have to go play one more song," he said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. "You gonna be around later?" he asked sarcastically and winked at me.

I wanted to hit him and kiss him at the same time when he smirked at me like that. Instead, I decided to be just as big of a smart ass. With a smile, I said, "I dunno… I've seen this show like a thousand times already. Plus, I heard the singer was a total douche." With a shrug of my shoulders, I said, "I might just go back to the hotel and sleep."

He narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "You better be here when I'm done, Bella. I have something I need to talk to you about anyway." He pulled on the front of my jacket and I slapped his hand away.

"Like what?" I asked and ignored Alice when she told him it was time to go.

"I'll tell you later." He hip-checked me and then followed Alice back up the stairs.

"I hate it when you do that!" I yelled at him. He winked.

Freaking Edward Cullen.

**A/N: Thanks to everyone!! Especially Di and Mels, you girls are my sounding board and I have no idea how I would do this without you. I have to say a special thanks to Di's husband; his liquid leather pants provided a lot of inspiration.**

**Only chapter two, but man I am so freaking excited about this story!! A lot of you have concerns about this being a really dark story and I will just say that it won't be. Will there be angst? Yes. Will there be drama? Yes. But there will also be humor. I promise it won't get too bad.**

**Hope you guys enjoyed!! And thanks again!**


	3. Disturbia

**Disclaimer: Once again, anything related to this story that made money isn't mine.**

** "Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it." – Disturbia, The Cab**

I knew Edward Cullen pretty freaking well. I knew his favorite color was blue, that he hated eggs, and was secretly scared of cats. If there was ever an Edward Cullen trivia contest, I would win that sucker hands down! So as I watched him pace back and forth around his hotel room I knew he was trying to distract me. He was randomly spouting off shit about the past year that I already knew, things that didn't really even matter, all in vain attempt to throw me off guard. The random tidbits of information he was throwing at me weren't as big of a distraction as the fact that he was wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, but I kept that to myself. I let him walk around for a while until I started to feel bad for him. Well, that and we were supposed to be meeting everyone at the after party in an hour.

"Edward," I said lazily while I leaned back against the headboard of his bed. He stopped and looked at me, and I kind of felt sorry for him. He looked nervous as hell, and I knew why. "I know about Jane."

"How… Well…" He sputtered and looked down at me. "How do you know?"

"Jasper and Alice told me when they picked me up from the airport," I sighed and moved over so that he could sit down next to me.

"And you aren't mad?" Edward asked quietly.

No I was mad… livid actually. But I lied, "I'm not mad Edward, I just… I don't like you being around her." The second that the words came out of my mouth I regretted it. I sounded possessive, and I had no right to be possessive of him. I had been repeating _best friend-not boyfriend_ to myself more times lately than I cared to admit… and most of them since I had stepped off the plane this morning.

Edward looked down at me, and immediately my fears of him thinking I was possessive and crazy were replaced by a massive amount of guilt. When he opened his mouth, it only dug the imaginary knife in deeper.

"Because you don't trust me," he said quietly and sat on the bed with his back to me. It made me feel guilty that he said it as a statement and not a question, but it made me mad that he would even think that to begin with.

"Edward you know I trust you," I said as I moved to sit next to him, trying to get him to look at me.

He stood up and started pacing again, "Bella you don't understand."

"You're right I don't," I agreed and got up to stand in his path, this time making him look at me. He was starting to piss me off with whole self deprecating bullshit. "I don't understand why you would want to see someone who hurt you like that. It upsets me because it makes me physically ill to remember how you looked that night. It makes me mad at her… not you."

Edward sighed and sunk down onto the bed and looked up at me as I stood in front of him.

"Are you…" I struggled to even think about what I was asking. "Are you dating her again?"

"Oh God no!" He practically yelled at me, and I know he heard the sigh of relief that left my mouth. "I just… I had to see her Bella. I had to… I needed…" He looked around as if something in the room would help him finish his sentence. He closed his eyes and his head hung for a second before he looked back up at me. "I had to make sure it was over."

A heavy silence filled the room and both of us stared at the floor. This wasn't an easy subject for either of us to talk about. It was hard for Edward because he was ashamed of his mistakes. It was hard for me because it reminded me of how close I could have been to losing him.

"Is it?" I asked in a voice that was hardly above a whisper.

He nodded and finally looked up at me, "I just… I guess I just never really got closure. I needed to let go of the past, and that meant dealing with her."

"And you couldn't tell me all of this?" I asked and shrugged my shoulders. "Alice and Jasper just kind of bombarded me with it this morning and it hurt to hear it from them instead of you. It felt like you were purposefully trying to hide this from me."

"I didn't think you would understand. Or that you would try to talk me out of it," he said and gave me an exasperated look when I tried to play the innocent card. "Oh come on Bella, we both know you can be a little opinionated about shit."

Okay maybe he was right. I didn't understand and I sure as hell would have tried to talk him out of it, but being told about it from him instead of someone else would have been nice.

"You've never been in love Bella," he said, as if it was some sort of explanation.

I stared at him, trying not to look like someone had just punched me in the stomach. My heart literally felt like it had fallen to the floor and I fought back the urge to cry. It was absurd for me to feel that way because of course Edward wouldn't know that I knew what being in love felt like. He wouldn't know that I understood how scary it could be, how your heart could ache to the point that you literally thought it would kill you. He wouldn't know that I understood how hard it was to concentrate because your mind was consumed with the thoughts of that one person you loved. Of course Edward wouldn't know that. I was in love with him, and he had no freaking clue.

I must not have been hiding my emotions very well, because Edward looked up at me and frowned, "You haven't been, have you? I mean, you didn't love that Newton kid."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head and said, "Edward…"

"Good because he was a douche," he interrupted me and got up. I watched as he pulled a shirt out of the closet and threw it on. "Seriously Bella, I have no idea what you saw in that guy."

"Mike is actually a good friend Edward," I said, not even trying to hide the irritation in my voice. Mike was my first and only boyfriend I'd had since moving to Seattle. We dated for a year or so, both realizing that it wasn't meant to be and ended things on good terms. We still saw each other every now and then, meeting for coffee or just hanging out. He was a nice guy, and a good friend.

Edward however, had never liked Mike, ever. Even when we dated, Edward was a complete asshole to him even though Mike had never been anything but cordial. It was weird, because I really expected it to be Mike that would have the problem. I didn't know many guys that would be totally fine with their girlfriends having a male best friend, but Mike was. Edward finished getting dressed and kept muttering something about me having bad taste in men; I just smirked and shook my head. He had no freaking idea.

*** *** ***

The after parties that I had been to before were nothing compared to this one. The record label had rented out an entire club for the occasion, and as the limousine that we were all riding in pulled up the front of the building I gulped. There were people everywhere. Photographers, fans, security… they were everywhere and I could hear the screaming from inside the car.

"I think I'll just wait here," I muttered and shook my head. Edward laughed, thinking that I was kidding. I wasn't.

"Just walk really fast," Rosalie suggested and smiled at me.

"It will be fine Bella," Alice said as she smacked her lips after putting lipstick on and snapped her bag shut. "You walk with Jasper and I'll walk with Edward."

"Why can't we all just walk in together?" Edward asked, sounding like he was a little annoyed with the whole situation.

"Because we aren't the famous ones," Emmett said sarcastically and slapped Edward's shoulder before opened the door.

The noise level was knocked up a notch as soon as the car door opened and I frowned. As Rosalie slid out of the car I turned to Edward, "If I end up falling and making it onto Perez Hilton or something, just know I am sorry in advance… you know if I happen to embarrass you."

He laughed and nodded, "Thanks for that."

Jasper got out and I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand. He smiled reassuringly as he helped me out of the car and wrapped an arm tightly around my shoulders. He said something about me relaxing, but I couldn't really understand all of it over the loud screaming.

"Just follow my lead," he said loudly. I nodded and followed behind him staying as close to his back as I could.

It was insane how freaking hectic all of this was, and it unnerved me to see how casual everyone else was about it. I had been absent for a lot the past few years, and I guess getting used to shit like this was included in things I missed. Emmett, Rosalie and even Jasper acted like this was just a normal every day thing and I just trailed along behind them trying not to look like I was scared to death.

I watched as Rosalie and Emmett both showed their IDs to get in and I fished mine out of my back pocket. As they told the security their name I tried to make myself calm down. Jasper went through behind Emmett and Rosalie and I smiled wearily at the security guard staring at me.

"Name?" He asked gruffly.

"Bella Swan," I yelled loudly over the screaming that had gone up an octave behind me. I could only guess that Edward had gotten out of the car, but was too scared to look.

"You're not on the list," He said with finality after flipping through a list and nodded to another man standing next to him who grabbed my arm and tried to usher me off to the side. I panicked.

"Jasper!" I yelled as loud as I could and tried to pull my arm away from him. When I saw Jasper turn back, with Emmett following behind him I motioned to the guy with the list. "They won't let me in!"

"Hey! She's with us!" Jasper yelled and the guy holding my arm stopped. "Bella Swan, her name is on the list!"

"She's not on the list," the first security guard told him and the two of them started arguing. Jasper was yelling that he knew for a fact that I was in the list because he had been the one to put me on it. When Emmett got involved it turned into a scene.

"I'm Emmett Cullen asshole! That is my brother!" He yelled and pointed at Edward who was signing autographs. "She is his fucking best friend! On the list or not, she is coming inside!"

"She is on the damn list! Isabella Swan!" Jasper yelled again.

"She isn't…"

"Check it again!" Both Emmett and Jasper yelled at the same time and the guy reluctantly flipped through the list. He must have been moving too slow for Emmett's taste because he ripped the clip board out of his hand and started looking through the pages himself.

"Swan, Isabella! It's right there you asshole!" He shoved the list back at him. He glared at the asshole holding my arm and he finally let me go.

"She said her name was Bella," he muttered, and at least had the decency to seem embarrassed. "I still need to see your ID."

"Christ!" Emmett yelled and I was almost positive I heard Jasper growl.

With a shaking hand I showed him my ID, and I was finally allowed to go inside. Jasper kept apologizing to me while Emmett got the guys name. I couldn't help but laugh when he said he would have Alice take care of it. Alice, who was less than half the size of Emmett, would take care of it. It made me laugh that people were so scared of her.

We made our way inside and even after I found Esme and Carlisle and we were all sitting with them I was still shaking. This was all so freaking unnerving, but I took a deep breath and tried to make myself calm down. Everyone sat around talking and I half paid attention to the conversation as I watched Edward and Alice made their way around the room.

I wondered if he even knew who half of these people were. He would shake people's hands and smile like he was excited to see them, but I had a sneaking suspension that Alice was providing him with the names.

Watching the two of them made me miss the old days, back when our after parties consisted of all of us sitting around a hotel room, talking and drinking. This new life was going to take a lot of getting used to, and I was once again glad that I had made the decision to stay in Seattle. I hadn't even been here a full twenty-four hours and I was already exhausted, I couldn't imagine living this life full time.

"It's weird isn't it?" Jasper asked and I turned back to look at him. It took me by surprise when I noticed that no one else was sitting there besides the two of us. I seriously had to stop zoning out. He smiled at my stunned expression and nodded towards Alice and Edward, "It's kind of surreal to see this, huh?"

"I just don't see how you guys can do this everyday." I moved my chair closer to his and smiled. "How are you not exhausted everyday?"

He shrugged, but kept smiling and watching Alice, "It's not like this everyday. We have tomorrow off, and probably won't have a party after the next show…"

Jasper's voice trailed off and I smiled. I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed, "Don't you miss your house?"

While Edward and Emmett had gotten rid of their apartments in Seattle, Jasper and Alice still had their house there. Other than the occasional weekend visits, it had stayed vacant for almost a year.

"Alice is my home," he said without missing a beat. I looked up at him and he had a goofy smile plastered across his face. "As long as she's here then I'm home."

"Aw Jasper that's so cheesy and cute," I kidded and nudged his shoulder. He took a drink from his beer bottle and smiled at me.

It had been a year at least since Edward had been in Seattle for more than just a weekend visit. I couldn't help but wonder where he would go once the tour ended. Would they all move back to Seattle? Emmett probably would since Rosalie still lived there but Alice and Jasper would probably go wherever Edward went.

"Hey Jasper!" A voice called from behind us and we both turned around.

"Hey Jake," Jasper nodded and I watched as this Jake guy walked around our table and took the seat sitting next to mine. Jasper shook his hand, and Jake turned to look at me.

"And who are you?" He smiled and asked as he held his hand out. "I'm Jake."

"Bella," I answered and shook his hand.

"Edward's Bella?" He asked and I fought back the butterflies that rose in my stomach. _Best friend-not boyfriend_, I reminded myself and just nodded.

"Do you work for the record label?" I asked and ignored the way Jasper was smirking at me. Jake laughed and so did Jasper; I just looked between the two of them wondering what the hell I had missed.

"No," Jake cleared his throat and shook his head. "I uh… I play with Plaid Culprit. We were the opening band."

Oh, yeah I had missed them because of my zoning out. "What do you play?" I asked.

"Bass," he answered and smiled. "Do you play anything?"

This time it was my turn to laugh. The idea of me having any musical ability was hilarious, even Jasper joined in. "Um no, I have no musical talent what so ever." I shook my head and twirled the glass that I had sitting in front of me. "I leave that to Edward and Jasper."

"Thankfully," Jasper kidded and I elbowed his side.

Jake smiled and abruptly stood up and I looked around in confusion. A girl with short and spiky brown hair was walking around the side of our table and wrapped her arms around his neck. I smiled when he kissed her sweetly, then looked away to give them some privacy.

"Hi Jasper," she said after a few seconds.

"Hey Leah," he stood up and pulled her into a hug.

"Leah, this is Bella," Jake said introducing us and I reached across the table to shake her hand.

"Hi Bella," she said and I nodded.

"Bella this is Leah, my girlfriend," Jake smiled and threw and arm around her shoulders.

"It's nice to meet you," I said and sank back in my chair. They started talking about the show and my eyes traveled back to Edward who was now standing with his parents and talking.

"So you're Edward's girlfriend?" Leah asked and my head snapped forward. Jasper had unfortunately been taking a drink at the same time she asked the question and was now coughing loudly. I laughed nervously and shook my head.

"Oh no. No. No. No. I'm Edward's friend," I explained.

"Best friend," Jasper corrected me and I nodded.

My heart was racing and I felt dizzy. People who didn't even know me thought we were together. I took a deep breath and tried to cover my nervousness with sarcasm and ended up blurting out, "I'm like a groupie, minus the screwing."

Jake laughed loudly while Leah just raised an eyebrow and looked at me. I laughed nervously and looked at Jasper who was glaring at me. My eyes went back down to the table and I felt my cheeks burning while the four of us sat there in an awkward silence.

"I think we should dance," Leah muttered and stood up. "It was nice to meet you Bella."

I nodded without looking up and sighed once they both left the table. I bit my bottom lip and chanced a glance up at Jasper. He wasn't glaring anymore, but he definitely didn't look happy.

"You know I'm kidding," I said quietly and picked the hem of my sleeve.

"I hate it when you say shit like that Bella," he said harshly.

"I panicked!" I yelled and rubbed my forehead. I couldn't blame Jasper for being upset. He knew how much that shit bothered me when Edward said it, and I really shouldn't be calling myself a groupie.

"You are a hell of a lot more to him than that," Jasper said and I only nodded. He sighed and pulled my face around so that I was looking at him. "You do know that don't you?"

I pulled my face away and nodded, "Yes Jasper I know that! I just…"

"What?" He asked and rubbed my back soothingly when I threw my elbows onto the table and held my head in my hands.

"When did it all get so fucking complicated?" I mumbled and shook my head.

"Bella…" he started but stopped. I looked up in time to see Alice and Edward reaching our table.

"You okay?" Edward asked and pulled the chair next to me out and sat down.

I nodded and looked at Jasper for a second before smiling at Edward, "Yeah I'm fine. How are you?"

"Cant complain," he smiled and pulled my glass off the table. He smelled it, I assumed to make sure it wasn't alcohol, and took a drink.

"What!" Alice asked loudly and both of us looked over at her. Jasper was trying to calm her down, but she was already shaking her head as she jumped off of her chair. She walked away, muttering something about incompetent people, and having someone's head on a platter. Jasper gave me an apologetic look and took off after her. I felt sorry for whoever that asshole at the door had been.

"What's going on?" Edward looked over the back of his chair and watched Alice storm outside.

"I have no idea," I lied and smiled when he looked back at me. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion and I just shrugged.

"So I have an idea," Edward let it go and turned in his chair to face me.

"And what's that?" I asked with a laugh.

"I think we should get drunk," He said with a proud smile on his face.

I blinked a few times and slowly shook my head, "What?"

"I think we should get drunk," he repeated himself.

"Edward I don't…"

"No. No. Let me explain," He said as he pulled my chair closer to his and I watched him in amusement as he draped his arm across the back of my chair and got closer to me. "So I don't drink. Or at least not like I used to, right?"

"Right," I nodded.

"Well before, I would drink to escape my problems." I nodded and he continued. "So I think now we should drink because we are celebrating! Just let it all go and for one night celebrate everything!"

"One night?" I asked skeptically.

"Just one night!" he reassured me and smiled. "I just want to forget about all of that shit and celebrate with my best friends! I mean this is a big fucking deal!"

"It is a big deal," I agreed and laughed at his excitement. "I can only see one problem. What about your parents?"

"Oh they left," he waved me off and took another drink before looking back at me. "Come on Bella, I don't wanna do this without you!"

I sighed and looked at him. I could see what he was saying, this was a once in a lifetime thing, and it had been a while since all of us were together. He wasn't drinking to escape or avoid something, we were celebrating. And if this really was a one night thing, then I guess there wasn't any harm in it.

"Come on Bella, free booze," he smiled and tugged the back of my hair gently.

"I will do it on one condition," I sighed and tried to look serious.

"Anything," he nodded.

"You don't make me sing," I said and smiled when he laughed.

"Deal." He stood up and pulled me up out of my chair. He hugged me for a second and then pulled me along behind him and up to the bar.

*** *** ***

Now I wasn't much of a drinker, a couple of beers and I was pretty much done. I would go through stages of drunkenness and each one of them had tale-tale signs. It would start off with my ears getting hot, then my face. When my legs started tingling I knew I was reaching my limit. If I kept going I would get quiet and just observe for a while before I got to the point that I was willing to start singing and dancing. If I got there then you knew I was down for the count and probably a drink away from passing out.

You would think that my friends would have known the signs, and would be willing to stop me from making a huge fool of myself but they never did. I am actually pretty sure that they enjoyed watching me act like an idiot. Fortunately for them, when I was to that point, I didn't care and was willing to do whatever they wanted.

That would explain why my ass was standing on a small stage and swaying around while singing along to Fleetwood Mac with Jasper and Edward. It was like when I was drunk my voice sounded less like a dying cat and more like a harmonious angel…to me anyway. I knew I was making an ass of myself, but couldn't really muster the integrity to care. Plus, it wasn't like anyone else had room to talk; Jasper was making an ass of himself playing an air guitar while Edward waving his arms around like he was playing the drums. The only upside to the whole damn thing was that nearly everyone had left. There were still a handful of people, most of which were either part of the other band, or worked for the show. I was at least thankful that most of the crowd had missed our performance.

"You can go your own way," I wailed loudly and laughed when Emmett stumbled onto the stage and started singing with me. We both stumbled around the stage, singing and laughing, until the song ended. I took a dramatic bow, which almost ended with me on the floor and let Emmett help me off the stage.

"I love it when you get this drunk," He slurred while laughing and wrapped an arm around my neck. I giggled and hugged him tightly. "Bella I think you should be my new best friend."

"Hey she's mine! Get your own!" Edward said playfully and pulled me away from Emmett. I snorted and pulled Edward's drink out of his hand and downed it. Emmett opened his mouth to say something but only smiled and wondered off to go find Rosalie. When I heard him start cat calling I assumed he had found her.

"Wanna dance?" Edward asked and pulled the empty glass out of my hand.

"Um…" I swayed slightly and laughed.

"Ok how about I dance and you just hold on," Edward laughed and pulled me closer to him. It wasn't fair that Edward could drink way more than me, and not seem that drunk. I sighed at yet another inequality between us and let it go.

I wasn't sure that the song they were singing was meant to be a slow dance, but I rested my head against Edward's chest anyway. I wasn't a very good dancer to begin with, but when I was drunk it just made it worse. I leaned against Edward, and just kind of moved whichever direction it was he was pulling me in. He made the mistake of twirling me, and when I accidentally let go of his hand as he swung me out I ended up falling on my ass, laughing hysterically.

"Maybe we should go," Edward suggested as he helped me off of the floor. "I think maybe we've both had enough fun for one night."

I agreed, and after telling everyone bye, the two of us were sitting in the back of a limo laughing hysterically at my imitation of Emmett singing Diana Ross. I leaned back against the seat and tried to catch my breath. Edward grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

"What?" I asked lazily, trying my hardest to keep my eyes open.

"I'm just glad you came," He said quietly and moved closer to me. "I really did miss you Bella."

I leaned my head onto his shoulder and smiled when he kissed the top of my head.

"Edward," I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I would go anywhere you wanted me to," I sighed and nuzzled my head against his shoulder. "I would go anywhere as long as you were with me."

Something in the back of my mind was telling me to shut the hell up, but I just ignored it. It felt good to finally admit a small part of the freaking huge secret I was holding on to. Besides we were friends, friends said things like that to each other. Right?

Edward was quiet for a moment, and I started to get nervous. I was about to make some smartass remark when his voice stopped me. "Then why did you stay in Seattle?"

"Because I was scared," I answered honestly. Again, something told me to shut up.

"Scared of what?"

"I was just… I was scared of what I was becoming…" I stuttered and hoped he would just let it go.

He sat up and looked down at me. "What you were becoming?"

I nodded and then shook my head, "I dunno what I'm saying."

"Yes you do," he said and shook his head. "Tell me."

Again something was screaming at me to keep my mouth shut, but Edward was looking at me with those damn persuasive eyes and I caved. "I don't want to just be your groupie Edward."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I opened my mouth, immediately on the verge of saying "I want to be yours" but shut it quickly.

"Do you want a job?" He asked and turned in his seat so that he was facing me. "If you want a job Bella I can figure something out. Then you could start touring with us! It could be like the old days!"

I stared at him, and felt the tears burning my eyes. He thought I wanted a job. I blinked slowly and the tears just started pouring down my cheeks. I wanted to look away from him, but I couldn't. Instead I just sat there and let the tears fall, mentally calling him every sort of cuss word I could come up with. Jackass was repeated several times.

"Bella what's wrong?" he asked in a worried voice.

"You don't get it… You'll never get it," I muttered and shook my head.

"What don't I get?" He asked and tried to pull me closer to him. "Bella tell me what's going on please."

The car came to a stop and I shook my head quickly while wiping the tears away. "It doesn't matter Edward. I'm just tired and it's been a long day." He tried to stop me, but I smiled and got out of the car, promising him I was fine.

The echoing of the car door shutting filled the parking garage and made me jump. Edward's hand tried to hold mine but I pulled it away and wrapped my arms around myself. I saw Edward's face harden but pretended I hadn't noticed. I just had to get back to my room and go to sleep. Tomorrow we would both be hung over and hopefully wouldn't remember any of this shit.

"They've arranged the back entrance Mr. Cullen," a hotel employee explained and Edward nodded. I followed behind them as they wove our way in and out of hallways and rooms. Being drunk didn't help my already horrible sense of direction, and once we reached the elevator I was both disoriented and a little nauseous.

"Edward I have no idea where my room is," I muttered, leaning my head against the wall. He laughed which then led to me laughing and it seemed like some of the tension between us had dissipated.

"I'll help you find it," he said before tentatively taking my hand.

I wanted to pull it away from him, but I just… I was exhausted. My head hurt from drinking and thinking too much. My heart ached from trying to keep myself from something that it genuinely wanted. And I was tired of trying to act like nothing was going on, like everything was normal. Edward had no clue that I loved him, or that I wanted anything more than to be his friend. I knew it would just end up making it hurt worse but I let my heart take over for a second and just let him hold my hand.

The elevator opened and I followed Edward down the hallway. He was talking about something, but I just kept following and concentrated on my hand in his. I ran my fingertips over his, taking notice of the small calluses that had been there since I had known him, a byproduct of years and years of guitar playing. It was another thing about Edward that I noticed and no one else probably did. When his fingers tightened around mine, I let a soft sigh escape my mouth, and again let my heart have its way. It was pathetic to let something that small hold such huge importance, but I couldn't find the energy or desire to make myself regret it.

I spent so much time and energy pretending that I didn't love Edward and it was exhausting. I constantly worried that the way I looked at him, or the way I touched him would give me away. I second guessed everything I did around him, praying that if my eyes lingered on him for a few more seconds than normal that he wouldn't notice. I was so paranoid that the way I talked to him would blow my cover, that during some of those late night phone calls I would accidentally let something slip. It was like me entire relationship with Edward was now build around this fake persona that I was religiously having to keep in check, and I was tired of it. Edward was oblivious to anything regarding me and my feelings towards him. Hell I could probably prance around naked in front of him with a sign that says "I love you Edward!", and he would think it was some sort of prank because he was so freaking unobservant!

"Bella?" Edward asked, waving his hand in front of my face, I blinked and looked around. He was standing in front of me, holding the door to my hotel room open. I noticed the keycard in his hand, and couldn't remember handing it to him. He gently pulled on my hand, leading me into the room and looking at me like I might be having some sort of breakdown.

"Sorry, I was… just out of it," I explained and shook my head. I finally let go of his hand and shuffled to the bed as he shut the door.

"If I ask you something," He said, leaning against the wall and watching me as I kicked my shoes off and sat down on the bed. "Will you tell me truth?"

"Sure," I said hesitantly but quickly disregarded the panic that was rising in my chest. I reminded myself that Edward was oblivious to my feelings for him and smiled easily. "Yeah, what do you wanna know?"

"Tell me what you meant in the car," He said, crossing his arms across his chest, still watching me.

"That wasn't a question," I mumbled and fell back against the bed.

"Bella come on," Edward said as he got on the bed next to me. "Will you please tell me what you meant in the car?"

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, "Edward I don't… It's just hard…"

"What is?"

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling above us. I could tell him part of the truth and just hope he was too stupid to put everything together or I could just make something up. I sat up on my elbows and looked at him, deciding that making shit up was easier.

"Edward I just… I feel like I don't belong here sometimes. Like that you guys are all moving onto this huge new life and I am just sitting in the background being awkward and… I dunno…" I trailed off when I couldn't think of anything else to say. It wasn't a complete lie, but was far enough away from the truth that it might distract him.

He was quiet and I knew he was watching me, even though my eyes were locked on the wall behind his head. His hand held onto mine and I reluctantly looked at him. That was a huge mistake, because the second he said "You will always belong here" I knew I was done. His eyes were so kind and full of concern that it made it too easy to pretend that it was love instead.

My brain was telling me to just say goodnight and make him leave, but my heart told my brain to shut the fuck up. Before I could even think about stopping myself, I was leaning over Edward with my lips pressed against his.

My heart was screaming in victory, as my brain was reeling at every small detail. The feeling of my lips against his, how he hesitated for a second before giving in and kissing me back. How my hands were fisted in his hair while I tried to lean all of my weight on my elbows so I wouldn't crush him. How his arms were wrapped around me and how it felt to have his hands running up and down my back. It was glorious and perfect, yet so so so wrong.

My brain finally caught up with the rest of me and started screaming for me to stop. My eyes flew open as Edward's tongue brushed against my lips and I started to pull away. But, when he pushed me backward and simply rolled me over onto my back I froze. His lips never left mine, as one of his hands ran down my side and held onto my hip firmly and the other wrapped around the back of my neck.

I always thought that kissing with your eyes open was creepy, but as I watched him I couldn't help but feel incredibly turned on. His eyes might have been closed, but the way concentration was set on his face reminded me of how he looked when he played and sang with so much passion. I made myself shut my eyes and concentrate on how his lips were moving against mine. When he moaned slightly while shifting his weight, they flew back open.

He wanted this. Edward wasn't running away screaming, or pulling away from me and telling me this was a mistake. He was kissing me back. Edward Cullen was fucking kissing me back! I closed my eyes as my arms wrapped around his shoulders and I brought his bottom lip gently between my teeth. I let my heart sing and rejoice as I enjoyed the feeling of him.

"Bella," he groaned against my lips as I slowly pushed my hips up towards him. I thought about stopping, but when his lips just captured mine again I decided against it. His hand that had been on my hip was traveling up my side and my heart rate increased.

Edward Cullen was going to feel me up! He was going to feel me up and I was going to love every single freaking second of it. His hand stopped and his thumb slowly traced over the side of my breast and I couldn't stop the low moan that left my lips.

"Bella," he whispered against my lips and I made myself open my eyes. He had his forehead leaned against mine, and was staring at me with such intensity that it made my breath catch in my chest. His hand left the back of my neck and slowly brushed stray pieces of hair off of my face. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

All I could do was nod my head. Of course I was sure. I had known for almost four years that I wanted Edward.

"You're sure? We've never talked about… I mean… the whole friends with benefits thing," he said quietly while trying to catch his breath and watching my face.

I thanked God for giving me the ability to lie convincingly to Edward because had it been anyone else, I knew they would have seen my hesitation and known I was lying. Friends with benefits? That's what he wanted? I felt stupid for thinking he would want something more, for letting myself think that he had been feeling the same way I was. My brain was throwing up red warning flags while my heart was still racing at the memory of his lips on mine. We were so freaking close and the way his breath was fanning out against my face, or how I could feel his hips resting against mine made it so damn difficult to think.

Could I handle being friends with benefits? I thought about it for a split second and couldn't think of anything other than the fact that this was giving me everything I wanted. It gave me Edward, still as my best friend and now as something more, something I had wanted for a long time. I knew Edward wouldn't ever hurt me, and as he stared down at me I also knew my mind was already made up. I nodded and leaned my head up to kiss him gently. "I'm sure," I promised and threw caution to the wind.

The flurry of what came next surprised me. Edward's kisses, which were still delicious, became more urgent and very… dominant. I moaned loudly as his hand cupped around my breast and his lips trailed down my neck. I probably should have been embarrassed about the way I was acting, writhing around and moaning, but I wasn't. I couldn't stop the sounds escaping my mouth, or the way my fingers were threaded tightly into his hair, or even how I was basically humping his leg that was skillfully pushing up against me.

His hands slid down my stomach and when his fingers started unbuttoning my jeans I panicked. I tried to remember what underwear I was wearing and then wanted to die when I realized I was wearing my Spanx. Sure they did a fabulous job of smoothing everything out, but they looked fucking awful. I grabbed Edward's hand as he started to pull the zipper down and his head shot up and looked at me.

"What's wrong?" he asked breathlessly and I shook my head.

"I just… Um…" I panted and tried to think of an excuse. "Alice has a key to my room and she might check on me." Edward looked confused and I smiled, "Just go lock the door all the way and turn off the light, then come back."

He leaned down and kissed me again quickly before pushing himself off the bed and walking back to the door. With all the speed I could muster I pulled my jeans and Spanx off. I threw them, along with my shirt, somewhere in the area of my suitcase and double checked that my panties weren't anything embarrassing. I sighed with relief when the lights went off and shook my hair back off my shoulders.

I was a nervous wreck and I knew I couldn't handle Edward seeing me naked with the lights on. The faint glow from the lights outside was enough for us to see shapes and shadows and that made me nervous. I told myself to calm down, reasoning that even if it was pitch black he would still be able to feel everything… every damn imperfection. I cringed at the thought of Edward's fingers tracing over my stretch marks and I shook my head telling my brain to shut the hell up and just let my heart enjoy this.

I became perfectly still when I saw Edward making his way back towards the bed, and sighed when I felt his hands traveling up my legs. He crawled between them, and as my hands ran up his arms I realized he had taken his shirt off. As he grabbed my leg and pulled it up to him I also realized he had taken off his jeans and boxers as well. I gulped, Edward Cullen was fucking naked and basically lying on top of me!

I couldn't stop the muscles in my legs tensing as his fingers traced over my thighs. His hand rubbed them slowly as his lips kissed me. "Bella you can trust me. Relax."

I nodded and bit my lip as he pushed me back against the bed. His hands ran over my stomach and I groaned, which thankfully ended up sounding like a moan. I wish that he would just stick to touching the areas of my body that wouldn't remind him that I was nothing like the skinny twig girls he had dated in the past. But, when he pulled my underwear down my legs I got incredibly nervous and started wishing he would just stick with my stomach.

I was naked, except for my bra, with Edward! He was naked and sitting next to me on a bed and we were about to have sex! We were about to have sex with each other! I mentally told myself to shut up; my stupid internal rambling was just making me more nervous. Edward must have noticed because he had stopped moving and was just looking at me.

"Can I ask you something Bella?"

I nodded and then realized he wouldn't able to see me. "Yeah," I muttered, wanting to smack myself for sounding so unsure about this.

"Have you ever had multiple orgasms?" Edward asked seductively as he leaned over me and kissed my neck. My eyes bugged out of my head and I sputtered incoherent words that didn't even make sense. He laughed and kissed my shoulder. "I'm going to take that as a no."

I closed my eyes and told myself stop acting like a sixteen year old! I wasn't a virgin, and wasn't necessarily inexperienced at sex… but the way Edward was kissing and touching me made me feel like he was a hell of a lot more experienced than I was. I mean sure, Mike was a nice guy and all but he wasn't exactly a passionate lover. Sex with him had been pretty boring, and definitely not something that induced multiple anything. _Why the fuck are you thinking about Mike Newton? _I yelled at myself and slightly shook my head.

"Bella, will you please relax?" Edward asked against my neck and I nodded. "It's just me, okay?" he whispered as his fingers slowly started moving against me. I felt like my heart was up in my throat and the moan that came out of my mouth sounded more like a gurgling groan, thankfully Edward ignored it.

I slowly started to relax, but I think that was more because Edward was a fucking genius with his fingers and less about me not being a neurotic idiot. I moaned loudly as his pace became quicker, but it was cut off when his lips found mine again.

I let him dominate our kissing, mainly because I was too fucking distracted by the fact that he was actually kissing and fingering me. But after a few seconds I broke away from his mouth, gasping and wishing I didn't have to breathe to survive.

"Give me your hands," he told me, his voice rough and deep. I held my hands up and he moved them above my head and held my wrists tightly. I briefly wondered what the hell he was doing, but when his thumb started moving in quicker circles, and two of his other fingers dipped into me I forgot all about it. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as he didn't stop doing _that_.

"Edward," I moaned and pushed my hips up. His knee slid between my legs, causing them to spread further apart and his fingers to slide in deeper. I threw my head back and groaned loudly. I could feel his breath on my neck, coming out in quick pants and smiled at the way it tickled. He brought my earlobe gently between his teeth and I hummed in pleasure.

"I want you to tell me when you're close," he whispered next to my ear and I nodded. He slipped in another finger and my hips pushed forward, lifting off the bed. "That's it Bella, just let go," he kept whispering and it was absolutely one of the sexiest things I had ever heard.

For a second I wished that the lights would have been on so that I could see his face, to see the way he was looking at me. He kept whispering things and it only spurred me along. He could have been whispering instructions about how to change the oil in your car and it still would have pushed me closer to an orgasm.

"Edward…" I panted while my fingers grabbed at his hand and my feet dug into the mattress. "Edward I'm gonna-"

His lips pressed softly against mine, as he rested his body against me. I pushed my hips up forcefully against his and my thighs tightened around his leg that was still between them. I felt how hard he was against my hip and it pushed me forward. His pace didn't stop and I pulled against his hold on my arm as I felt my orgasm finally releasing.

"Don't hold back," he said roughly against my lips. "Tell me Bella. Tell me how it feels."

"I…" I was panting and moaning against his lips. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I wanted to be more than just stupid friends with benefits but I stopped myself. "I can't fucking… I can't hold on anymore."

I felt his lips turn up into a smile against mine and threw my head back as I finally gave in. I screamed and moaned, pulled and pushed as Edward's fingers never stopped and his lips kissed my neck slowly.

I was shaking, almost to the point that it might have seemed like convulsions, until I finally came off of the high that Edward had gotten me to. It took me a second to realize that Edward hadn't stopped. His thumb was still moving in slow, deliberate circles, and each time he passed one certain point I involuntarily jumped.

"Edward…" I said breathlessly. He hummed against my neck in response. I smiled and tried to pull my hands away from him, but his grip only tightened around my wrists. His movements stopped for a second, and then picked up again.

I moaned involuntarily and shook my head, "Edward."

"Trust me Bella," he said before kissing me again. I squirmed under his touch, trying to pull against his hold or squeeze my legs together to make him stop but nothing worked. It wasn't that I didn't like what he was doing; it was just felt so good that it almost hurt. I wanted him to stop but I wanted him to keep going. It was painful, but in a good way.

I whimpered against his lips and felt him smile. "Please…" I begged in a soft whisper.

"Please what?" he asked.

I wanted to scream, please harder, please faster, please stop, please don't stop… I just moaned loudly and whispered please again.

"Bella ride it out," Edward said between comforting kisses. "Trust me, let it go. Let yourself go."

"Let go of my hands Edward," I said breathlessly and he did. I knew he thought I would stop him, but I just held on tightly to his shoulders and pushed my hips up against him as his fingers quickened their pace. "Please Edward…" I wrapped one of my legs around his and held him closely to me.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked quietly while kissing my face gently.

I shook my head and tightened my leg around him, "I want you to go faster." He smiled against my cheek and did what I asked.

I moaned and pulled at his shoulders as he gave me a second orgasm and then fell limply against the bed once it had faded. His fingers stopped this time, and as I caught my breath he began rubbing my hip slowly.

"Do you want to stop?" he asked quietly against my neck as he placed small kisses there.

"No," I said and shook my head. I found his hands and laced my fingers between his. "Please Edward…"

"Please what?" he asked and I could hear the smile in his voice. He kissed me while moving himself so that he was fully between my legs.

"Hard… please," I said shyly and bit my bottom lip.

He growled against my lips as he slid into me. "That's my girl," he whispered against my lips.

My heart fluttered at his words and my brain finally just gave up and waved the white flag of surrender. Because no matter what else happened one thing was for sure, I was his girl, even if he didn't know it.

**AN: And so it begins. Thanks to Di and Mels like always. Thanks to the lovely ladies who preread this for me, and for all of you guys for reading and reviewing! Maggie… you rock. Marry Christmas you guys!!**


	4. The Drinks We Drank Last Night

"**Riding on these waves, holding on to what you say. Everything will be okay. It will work out one way." Azure Ray, The Drinks We Drank Last Night**

Oh God, I had to be dead, that was the only way to explain the massive headache and pain that was resonating through my body. I groaned as I slightly shifted my face so that it wouldn't be shoved into the pillow and stopped halfway through the act when I felt it; a hand tightening around my side and pulling my body closer.

I panicked before I remembered that it was Edward, and then I really panicked because it _was_ Edward. My heart was pounding as my mind put all of the pieces of last night together. The drinking, singing, dancing… all things I could over look. The kissing, touching, licking, sucking… Oh Jesus… I had to stop. My brain was telling my heart I told you so, while it beat erratically at the memories of last night.

It wasn't perfect like they always say it is, but it was very us. Parts of it were awkward while others were so right that it made my heart ache for more. There were a couple of moments when we both had started laughing, and even one point when I point blank told Edward to shut the hell up.

His sexy and seductive whispering had turned into more of a "whose your daddy?" which I ignored, but when he started talking like some sort of pornographic heathen I had to stop him. I couldn't concentrate when he was asking me if I had been a naughty girl or if I wanted him to spank my ass; which he did and I rather enjoyed. I groaned slightly at the memory and was sure my face was now beet red.

Despite the fact that it was all in all a great experience, it was over shadowed by what I would be forced to face today. I was so incredibly stupid to not think about this last night. But I was drunk, and Edward was so fucking… perfectly imperfect that it made all rational thoughts and ideas leave my head.

As I was plotting a way I could get out of this bed, find clothes, sneak out of the room and then convince Edward that he'd made the entire thing up, he started moaning and shifting. Every single freaking muscle in my body tightened as Edward's grip on my side tightened then loosened quickly.

"What the…" Edward mumbled and my heart fell.

He was going to freak out and regret everything that had happened. Our friendship would be ruined and it would all be my fault! I could feel the tears building in my eyes as I waited for his reaction.

"How the hell do you still have a bra on?" Edward asked with his voice thick from sleep.

My mouth fell open at his casualness and I turned my head to look at him. He was smiling and looking perfectly normal. There was no sign of regret or anything else on his face; he looked like same old Edward.

He rolled over onto his back and rubbed his eyes while looking around the room. "I know I tried at least twenty times to get that thing off," he teased and then looked back at me. "It's like you had some sort of death grip on it."

Well yeah I did, because it was the last piece of clothing that kept from me being absolutely naked with him. I had enough pieces of myself that would wobble about while we were having sex. With a bra on; I at least knew my boobs wouldn't. The mental image of how we must have looked last night burned my eyes which made me groan and bury my face back in the pillow.

"Hey," Edward said calmly and rolled over on his side. His hand ran up and down my back. "Bella come on, it's just me."

"Why do you keep saying that?!" I practically yelled at him. I felt his hand stop and made myself look at him. "It isn't 'just you'! You are my best friend and we… I…"

He smiled in amusement as he watched me and it just made me even angrier.

"Why the hell are you smiling? How can you be so freaking calm about this?" I yelled again and then regretted it when my head started throbbing. I groaned and buried my head back in the pillow.

"So, you're upset because we had sex or because we're best friends and had sex?" Edward asked and I could tell he was trying not to laugh at me.

I wanted to scream that I was freaking upset because I had sex with someone I am in love with who doesn't love me back. I wanted to push him off the bed and yell at him for being such a dumb ass and not being able to see what was obviously clear to everyone else. Instead I just started crying.

Edward tightened his arm around me and quietly reassured me, "It's going to be okay."

I shook my head that was still buried in my pillow, disagreeing with him. This was defiantly not going to be okay. I loved Edward, …hardcore. I was head over heels in love with him. And now I had complicated all of this even more with this stupid friend with benefits bullshit.

"Bella look at me," Edward said and I shook my head at him. He sighed and then physically rolled me over I clung to the sheet that was covering me like it was a lifeline. "Nothing is going to change. I am still Edward and you are still Bella."

I laughed sarcastically and wiped my cheeks off. "Oh sure."

"Why do things have to change?" he asked and shrugged his shoulders. "You care about me, I care about you. I would rather know that were… doing this… than think about you having… you know…"

I looked at him and frowned. "Having what?"

"You know," he shrugged and looked down at me. When I didn't say anything he rolled his eyes and said, "A one night stand Bella. I would rather know that you're not having one night stands with random guys."

I laughed loudly and then snorted. "Edward I have never had a one night stand."

"At least this way I know you're safe," he said, ignoring what I told him.

"Right," I said and nodded my head. "And this way you aren't sleeping with random girls who are trying to drag you into some baby daddy drama. I'm like a safety net for you, casual sex with no strings attached or anything to worry about."

I regretted how bitter I sounded, but it was true. Edward knew I didn't sleep around with guys and when he said he was glad that I was safe, I knew for a damn fact that he was talking about himself.

"And what do you have to worry about?" He asked in an annoyed voice.

"Loosing you!" I yelled and then snapped my mouth shut. God why couldn't I keep just shut the hell up? Four years of keeping this shit to myself and within a day I am blurting out things that I shouldn't.

There was silence. Awkward freaking silence as I stared at the ceiling, chastising myself for being a dumb ass and refusing to look at Edward.

"Bella look at me," he said quietly and I closed my eyes. He sighed and it startled me when I felt his hand curved around my cheek and he gently turned my head towards him. "Please look at me."

Reluctantly I opened my eyes and wished I hadn't. He looked all loving and encouraging, just like he had last night.

"I'm your best friend," he said quietly while his thumb ran over my cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You say that now Edward, but what happens when all of this gets complicated?" I asked, knowing full well that it was already way too complicated for me, and that it would probably only get worse.

"Why does it have to be complicated? Nothing has to change. We are still friends only now we… well we're closer. But that doesn't change the fact that I care about you or that I know I can tell you anything. Just because we had sex doesn't mean we can't still be best friends," he said in a confidant voice.

"And what about when you meet someone? All of this just ends?" I asked.

He laughed before sighing and looking at me. "Bella, I won't meet someone. I have no desire to be in a relationship, not now and probably not for a long while. But, if you met someone and it got serious then yeah… it would end. We would go back to being just friends," Edward said.

"Just like that?" I asked skeptically.

"You said you trusted me Bella," Edward said quietly. "I trust you enough to share this with you. I trust you enough to know that this won't change our friendship. Why can't you trust me the same way?"

My heart ached at the way he was looking at me, like I doubted him. And it wasn't him that I doubted, it was myself. I wasn't sure that I was strong enough to just be his friend with a few benefits thrown in. I didn't think I could just fly out for weekend shows, screw around and act like it was all fine, then go back home. I wasn't strong enough to do that, but I also knew I wasn't strong enough to just let him go.

"I do trust you Edward," I said softly and sighed when he smiled and pulled me into a hug. Again, I just gave in and told myself. I would think about it later.

*** ** ***

"You're riding with Edward?" Alice asked me while the boys loaded the luggage into the back of her car. We would be traveling all day, onto the next stop on the tour. I would be around for one more show, then bright and early Sunday morning head back to Seattle. I had a lot to figure out between now and then.

I nodded and thanked God that I could blame my quietness on a hangover. I was also thankful that I had on sunglasses because I knew if Jasper or Alice saw my eyes, they would know I was hiding something. So while Jasper rode with Alice, I decided to ride with Edward, Emmett and Rosalie.

I didn't want to hide what had happened last night from them, but I knew how they would all react. Once they realized it wasn't a relationship, everyone would freak. Alice would be mad at Edward and disappointed in me. Jasper would probably kill Edward, thinking that he was taking advantage of me. And Emmett would just make all of this even more uncomfortable and awkward than it already was by telling Esme and Carlisle and I knew I couldn't handle that. So I did what I always did, I played the avoidance card. I was going to avoid Alice and Jasper all under the disguise that I was spending time with Edward. It was a genius plan, or at least I thought it was until we were an hour into the drive and I realized that being in such close quarters with Edward wasn't such a great idea.

I sat on one of the couches in the open area of the tour bus and silently obsessed over what had happened while Edward and Emmett played some idiotic video game and Rosalie flipped through a magazine. It annoyed me how perfectly comfortable Edward was with this arrangement. Why couldn't he freak out and make me feel at least a little more normal?

While I analyzed every smile, glance, and touch… everything, wondering if he was just as paranoid as I was, Edward acted like he always did. He would sit next to me, laughing and joking around. He would throw and arm around my shoulders and pull me to him, kissing the top of my head and just being… Edward.

I withstood the normalcy for a few hours, but it was unnerving and gave me a headache. Ignoring Rosalie and Emmett's questions of concern and not even looking at Edward, I excused myself to take a nap. I shoved the door closed once I reached the back of the bus and threw myself down onto the bed. I was being over emotional, and I knew that, but this was so damn confusing.

Physically I was ecstatic. I mean who wouldn't be after a night like that? It had been… a while… since I had been intimate with someone, and after being with Edward it kind of felt like he had opened some erotic version of Pandora's box. Despite the guilt and confusion that I was feeling, I was genuinely happy. I wanted what we had last night over and over until neither one of us could walk. I wanted to march back into that room, throw myself at Edward and kiss him until both of us were gasping for air. I wanted Edward, and I was pretty damn sure that feeling wasn't going to go away.

Emotionally, I was screwed. If… no, when all of this ended, I would more than likely be throwing away my relationship with my best friends. This wasn't only going to affect my friendship with Edward; it was going to hurt every single relationship I had with all of them. Alice was his manager and Jasper was her husband, sure they would be pissed, but Alice couldn't just quit her job. Emmett was Edward's brother… there was no way he would choose me over him.

I groaned and pushed myself over onto my back. How could the two of us have been so stupid? Edward had to see that this couldn't just end perfectly; I mean he was unobservant and all but he wasn't an idiot. I stared at the ceiling, wondering how in the hell I was going to fix this.

As I laid there and gently rocked back and forth from the movement of the bus I couldn't help but think about how easy all of this had once been. I could be myself with Edward, and that was one of the things I loved most about him. He accepted me for who I was, and never asked for anything different.

I hadn't ever been in a "friends with benefits" relationship before; hell I could count the number of boyfriends I had ever had on one hand. But if I trusted Edward, and he was sure that all of this would fine, then why didn't I believe him? Edward wouldn't ever purposefully hurt me, just like I wouldn't him. So was there a chance that this could work?

It was obvious that Edward had no problem acting like anything was different, and he seemed totally fine with the whole situation. I was the problem. I didn't know how to act around him now, especially when every touch or look was sending my heart into overdrive.

This would just be so much easier if he just loved me the same way I loved him. Why couldn't he see that we were perfect for each other? He had to notice how we balanced each other out. I made him calmer, and he made me take more chances. I never let him give up, and he never let me wallow in self doubt.

The night that I realized I was really in love with Edward, made it all so clear to me. It was like I had been ignoring this huge piece of my life and then it suddenly all made sense. I could see it… I could see our future and how great it would be if only Edward would realize it too.

That night, the night I realized I loved him, was probably one of my favorite memories. I could still smell the chlorine from the pool we were sitting by, could still remember how pretty the sunset had been and how the fireflies twinkled in the darkness. It had been one of those rare moments when Edward and I talked about what had happened with Jane, and how difficult the aftermath had been.

"I just couldn't give up," he had said so quietly that I almost hadn't heard him.

I didn't have to ask what he was talking about, because I knew that he was explaining why he hadn't pulled the trigger. I didn't need to know the reason, or even care. All that mattered was the fact that he hadn't done it.

"It was you, you know that don't you?" Edward asked, his voice still pained and serious. "I could just hear you over and over, all the times you had told me I couldn't give up and it was like your voice had become my conscience. Telling me that I had way too much to lose, and you were right."

"So see, all of those years worth of me telling you to get up off your ass wasn't nagging after all," I told him, hoping to lighten the mood.

Edward had looked at me, and even in the dim light I could see that he looked peaceful, and that wasn't something I had seen in a while. As I watched him smiling and gently pushing my hair behind my ears, I knew that I loved him. I loved him for being my best friend, for being strong enough to realize that all of this was worth the fight, and for just being himself.

My feelings for him only intensified over the weeks, months, and years that had followed that night. I couldn't lay here and pretend that they hadn't, and last night had only made it worse.

I fought with myself to keep from telling him that I loved him while he kissed me or touched me. Instead, I would hold onto his hands. I would find them in the tangle of sheets and pillows and pull myself closer to him, pull his arms tighter around me. It was like each time my fingers wound themselves between his, my heart was finally able to just be free. My fingers could caress or touch his, and he wouldn't know that it meant more than me just enjoying the moment.

It was sad that an outlet for my repressed feelings was holding someone's hand, but there wasn't much about this whole damn situation that wasn't sad or pathetic in some way. I sighed as tears slid down the side of my face and into my hair.

There was a quiet knock on the door followed by Edward saying my name quietly. "Bella? Are you awake?"

I quickly rolled over onto my stomach, pulled the pillow closer to my face and pretended like I was asleep. I heard the door open and then shut before I felt the bed shift as he crawled onto it next to me.

"You're a horrible faker," Edward said quietly before he nudged my leg with his foot.

"I'm not faking; I really am trying to sleep," I lied.

"And trying to avoid me," he said with a laugh.

For him to be so unobservant in some areas he was annoying accurate in others.

"No talking Edward," I muttered and rolled over onto my side with my back towards him. "This is the quiet part of the bus and I need sleep."

I heard him laugh, but after a few minutes it got quiet. I stared at the wall in front of me and tried to not think about the one thing that I couldn't stop thinking about. The saying "you made your bed and now you're going to lie in it" had never really applied to me, but now it was so appropriate that it was almost cliché. I sniffed quietly and wiped the few tears that had escaped off of my cheeks.

Unfortunately Edward must have heard me, because a few seconds later his arm was wrapped around me and he was telling me that everything would be fine. I nodded, even though I didn't really believe him.

"You know you don't have to go back," he said quietly before lacing his fingers between mine and squeezing my hand.

That was the straw that broke the camels back. Without warning I started sobbing. The few tears that I had kept at bay were now pouring down my cheeks.

"Bella what's wrong?" Edward asked while rolling me over and pulling me towards him. I just cried harder, because there was no explanation I could come up with. I couldn't tell him anything except the truth, and that wasn't an option. When I didn't answer he just pulled me tighter against him, trying to soothe me.

I didn't even try to resist it. What would the point be? I wanted him and I wanted this. I wanted his arms around me and his lips on my forehead. I wanted Edward humming to me while he gently rocked us back and forth.

I don't know how long we were there, but I watched the shadows change positions and the light filtering in through the windows grow darker. While the world rushed by outside, I put all of the pieces together in my mind. When I felt the bus come to a stop I had made a decision, I would make Edward Cullen fall in love with me.

We could continue this whole "benefit" relationship, but somehow I would make Edward realize he loved me like I loved him. It was there, between us, and I knew it. I just had to find a way to make him open his eyes and see it too.

I would be sad and pathetic and continue to keep it to myself, using my lame ass hand holding as an outlet. I would continue to be his best friend, making him laugh and reassuring him that he would be great. I could do this. I could pretend to be fine; because I knew that sooner or later Edward would see what everyone else did. He had to.

"Were stopping to eat," I heard Emmett say through the door and both Edward and I jumped from his loud knocking on the door.

"Are you okay?" He asked after a few second of looking at me.

I nodded and after promising him that I would be fine, I leaned over and tentatively kissed him. My hand found his, and as he kissed me back I knew this would work.

"Edward," I said quietly after he pulled away.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to call my boss tomorrow," I said and looked up at him. "I'm going to tell her that I need to take the next week off so I can stay… with you."

He smiled and pulled me to him, kissing my face and hugging me to him.

"You'll stay?" He asked as his hands ran up and down my back.

"I'll stay," I nodded, and sighed when his lips came back to mine.

**A/N: Is Bella an idiot? Yes. Is Edward an idiot? Oh yes. Will there be heartache? Yup. Fortunately for us, idiots and heartache tend to make good stories. Thanks for reading, reviewing and recommending. Happy New Year everyone! **


	5. Best Days

"**So don't wait for someone to tell you its too late, these are the best days. There is always something tomorrow so I say let's make the best of tonight. Here comes the rest of our lives." Best Days, Graham Colton**

I was running at a full sprint through the airport trying to make it to my gate on time. I yelled hurried apologies to the people I ran into but kept going. After nearly tripping over some guy's bag and knocking over an elderly lady coming out of the restroom, I was panting and shoving my ticket at the gate attendant.

"Are you alright?" she asked kindly.

I nodded while trying to catch my breath, "I was…I thought I would… miss my…"

She nodded in understanding and sent me down the ramp to the plane. I smiled apologetically to the flight attendant and tried to hurry to my seat. Once I was settled in, I took a deep breath and covertly sent a text message to Edward and Alice letting them know I had made it on time. When he sent me a message back, I smiled to myself before tucking my phone into my purse and settling back for the long flight.

You would think that after flying all over the country for the past two months that I would be used to it, but I still hated flying. It wasn't as bad now, since I had gone to the doctor and gotten happy flying pills, but it still made me nervous. So I sat there with my eyes closed and tried to think about something other than being trapped in an aluminum tube flying at eighty thousand feet above the ground.

It didn't take long to come up with something better to think about. Edward. In fact it was hard to think about anything else these days. My life had become a repeat of three things; talking to or about Edward, pretending to work, and thinking of Edward.

I had become very efficient at being able to function on less than three hours of sleep, and I could now lie convincingly to my boss. By the grace of God I had been able to talk my way out of several "issues," most of which revolved around the fact that I was constantly running late and that I was missing so much work.

I had used all of my vacation and sick time and in fact this little trip was actually coming out of the companies "family emergency" fund. I felt bad about lying and saying that my Nana in Texas was seriously ill, but she had died close to eight years ago and I knew she would just want me to be happy. Being with Edward made me happy and Nana had always liked him.

Plus, this would be the last show I would be able to catch until August and I couldn't go two months without seeing him. The fact that I was going to have to wait one month was upsetting enough. I just kept reminding myself that I just had to hold out till October, then they would be finished with the tour, and everyone would be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The thought of three months with Edward made my heart beat excitedly. There would be no looming Sunday mornings where I would have to leave. There wouldn't be rehearsals and shows, no interviews and definitely no screaming fans in hotel lobbies. It would be perfect.

The past two months had been so busy, for everyone, and I knew all of us were dying for a break. But I couldn't help but think that the time that Edward was home for the holidays was going to be pivotal to my plan.

Although I had enjoyed being around more lately, I was a little disappointed that nothing had really changed in _that_ area. Edward was still clueless. He was still the same ole' Edward, the only thing that had changed was that sex was now thrown into our friendship repertoire. He was still perfectly imperfect and annoyingly unobservant, which is why I was counting on the time he would be at home. It just seemed like if I could get him away from the constant rushing then he would finally see it.

I wasn't stupid enough to believe that in the middle of sex Edward would realize how perfect we were for each other. I figured it would be in one of those inconsequential moments that we always took for granted. The problem with that was that there hadn't been small moments between us since all of this started. Everything was rushed and flew by so quickly that it was hard to realize where any of us even were. The past few months were a flurry of hotel rooms, tour buses and airports. We needed more Edward and Bella moments and less of…whatever we were now.

"Ladies and gentlemen if you will please return to your seats, the captain is about to turn the fasten seatbelt sign back on and we will begin our descent into Orlando International Airport," the flight attendants voice said, breaking through my internal ramblings. I smiled when my heart started beating faster, already imagining being wrapped in Edward's arms.

** *** **

"I'm so sorry to just ditch you at the hotel," Alice rambled while she navigated her way through the city. "I just have to go back and double check a few things, pick up Jasper and Emmett, and then we can all go to dinner. You'll be okay with Edward for a few hours right?"

I wanted to laugh, because I knew for a fact that I would be better than okay, but I just nodded and kept my mouth shut. Hiding what was going on was a lot easier than I had figured it would be. After explaining to Alice what the whole Jane situation was, she seemed to have backed off. There were a few times I thought that Jasper might have had suspicions about our whole situation, but he hadn't ever said anything. And that definitely wasn't a conversation that I was willing to bring up. As always, avoidance was easier.

Alice pulled under the hotel's carport and leaned over to give me a hug. I hugged her back, trying to act like I wasn't dying to run inside and forget about everyone else but Edward. God, I was such a bad friend sometimes.

"Here's the key," she said while pulling out the little white keycard. "You're actually sharing the suite with Edward, but there are three rooms in the suite. I figured it would save money. You don't mind do you?"

_Perfect,_ I thought to myself and shook my head. "Its fine Alice, I'm only sleeping there. I'll see you when you get back," I smiled and gave her another hug before jumping out of the car.

I reminded myself that I couldn't just run through the lobby, and made myself walk slower. I ignored the little groups of teenage girls clustered around. They were talking excitedly with their eyes constantly roaming around the open space. Instead of yelling at them to go home and put some clothes on, I just smiled to myself and got into the elevator. I had gotten used to a few things that came along with Edward being a celebrity, but fans screaming and paparazzi weren't included. I hated how they seemed to follow him everywhere, and especially hated when they screamed at him. It was unnerving and made me want to just reach out and slap them.

By the time I reached Edward's suite, I was sure I was smiling like an idiot, not only because of the thoughts I had of smacking around a few fangirls, but because I was finally here. With each step that took me closer to his door, my body's reaction got stronger. I could feel a humming electricity flowing through my body out of pure excitement. My heart was beating franticly and the second I stepped into the front room I felt like I was home.

I smiled at this jacket thrown over the back of the couch and other miscellaneous items that he had just left out; he was such a slob at times. I left my suitcase sitting in the walkway and quietly made my way through the suite. It was huge and a little ostentatious, but I wasn't going to complain. Staying here meant that I didn't have to sneak back and forth to my room.

When I heard the faint sound of a guitar I sighed in contentment. I quietly pushed the door to the bedroom open and smiled at the sight before me. Edward was sitting on the bed with his back to me, a guitar in his lap and the table beside him littered with paper. I watched for a few seconds as the muscles in his arms moved while his head slowly moved along with the melody he was creating.

"I've never heard that one before. Is it new?" I asked quietly as I leaned against the doorframe. I smiled when he turned around and looked at me.

"Bella," Edward said excitedly and pushed off the bed, leaving his guitar resting on the pillows. I laughed as he pulled me into a hug, but when his arms pulled me closer to him and his lips started kissing the top of my head I closed my eyes and just enjoyed it. My arms wrapped around his middle while my head leaned against his chest. As we swayed back and forth I smiled and listened to his heart beat.

This is what we needed, more of these moments. Where the two of us could just be us, where there wasn't a rock star Edward or friend with benefits Bella. In that moment we were ourselves, just living in the enjoyment of being together again and genuinely being happy to see each other. I hugged him tighter, as if I might be able to make it last longer. Like if I pulled him tighter against me then he would finally see it. But, like always our moments were just that. A minute. It was sixty seconds of me clinging to someone that I couldn't live without, and hoping he would feel the same way. When he let me go, I tried not to look disappointed.

"You look tired," he said, holding me at arms length while looking over my face.

"Well Edward, that's what happens when people get phone calls in the middle of the night that lead to them only getting a few hours of sleep every night," I said while stepping around him. I didn't like him looking at me like that. It made me feel like if I wasn't careful, he would see something he wasn't supposed to. I heard him laugh as I walked to the window and looked out at the sun setting on the city below us.

"Well Bella," he said mockingly, stepping up behind me and wrapping his arms around me. I tried to hide the moan that left my mouth as he pulled me back against him, but when I felt his lips against my neck I knew there wasn't any point. I sighed and held onto his hands while his lips moved up my neck and he softly kissed the shell of my ear. "I didn't hear you complaining during any of those phone calls. If anything I think you were begging me for more," he whispered against my ear. I felt like my skin was on fire and knew my face had to be flaming red. Edward laughed quietly before kissing my ear again and letting go of me.

I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, making myself calm down. When I turned around Edward was sitting on the bed with the guitar in his lap again. I cleared my throat and tried to act like I was perfectly fine. "You didn't answer me. Are you working on something new?"

Edward nodded and started playing slowly. "Just messing around really. They want me to start recording the next album pretty soon. I'm just feeling some things out."

I sat down in the chair beside the table and looked down at the papers that were spread out across the table. I picked up a piece and read it. "Is this Jasper's handwriting?" I asked and held the paper up for him to see.

"Yeah, he's co-writing some of the songs. He's pretty stoked about it," Edward nodded and smiled at me before looking back down at his guitar. "Don't tell him I told you though, I think he wanted to tell you himself."

That made me all mushy inside. I read over the lyrics and couldn't help but get a little emotional. If Edward was writing the music and Jasper was doing the lyrics, I knew it would be amazing. I smiled to myself and blinked back the few tears that had snuck up on me. I swear I was an emotional sap these days.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked and I shook my head. "Bella come on. I can tell when something's wrong with you."

I snorted from humor that he wouldn't understand and just shook my head again. "I'm fine... it's just jealousy I guess."

"Jealous?" He asked, looking confused. "Do you want to co-write a song?"

"Um no," I said pushing myself out of the chair and going back to the window. "That would be disastrous. I just wish that I had talent like you guys. I think it would be fun to be able to play a musical instrument."

"I tried to teach you once and you called me an 'arrogant jackass' and threw a Kleenex box at me head," Edward said with a laugh and I joined in. "Besides it wouldn't be a disaster for you to help write something. You're very eloquent with words."

I laughed even harder. "You are full of shit Edward. I may be many things but eloquent isn't one of them."

"Fine," he said as he stood up. I blinked in confusion as he handed me his guitar. "I'll prove it." I watched as he pulled his guitar case onto the bed and flipped it open. He dug through one of the velvet pockets and pulled out a tattered piece of paper and sat back on the bed in front of me.

"What is that?" I asked, handing him the guitar back.

"This," he said, handing me the folded paper, "is the letter you wrote me when we left Seattle."

My mouth fell open and I stared down at it in my hand. As Edward settled in front of me and slowly started playing again, I carefully unfolded the pages. I smiled when I saw my faded hand writing. "I can't believe you still have this."

"Like I would get rid of it," Edward said softly and kept playing. I watched as he changed the tempo a couple of times before finally settling on one. "Last paragraph I think, read it out loud."

I cleared my throat nervously and flipped the pages over and quietly read. "This won't be easy. There will be days when you want to quit and give up, but remember that you can't. Remind yourself that one day you will be standing on a stage surrounded by thousands of people who have come to hear you play. Remind yourself that you will touch each of their lives with your music and lyrics. Remind yourself that you are surrounded by people who believe that you can do this. I will…" I swallowed thickly and tried to keep myself from crying.

Edward picked up where I left off. "I will always be with you in thought and prayer. When you forget how much the world needs your music, I will remind you. When you forget how much _I_ need your music, I will remind you. To quote a great man, 'simply put, music heals'; music has healed your wounds that were left open. And even though a scar remains, it is there to remind you that you can't give up."

I watched him as he took parts of my letter and put them together with music. I didn't try to stop the tears that were falling down my face. I didn't hide the affection or love for him that was plainly written on my face. I just watched him. When he finished he smiled and looked at me.

"See, eloquent." Edward said, setting his guitar down and standing up. "I told you that you…"

"Edward," I said, interrupting him and grabbing his hand as he tried to walk by me. He sat back down and I took a deep breath. I was going to tell him. I was going to make him understand how I felt. I took his other hand and laced my fingers through his. "Edward I…"

"Bella?" Alice's voice called through the suite, interrupting us. "Edward, are you guys here?"

I flinched when I heard her voice and recoiled all of the emotions I had just let loose. I reigned in my feelings and put my fake smile back on my face.

"Just a second!" Edward yelled and looked back at me. "You what?"

I smiled to keep myself from crying and held his hands tighter. "I'm proud of you."

He smiled back at me for a second before looking down at our hands and then back up at me. "What's the deal with this all of a sudden?" He asked and lifted our hands. "I never knew you were such a big fan of hand holding."

My smile fell off of my face and I just stared at him.

"I'm not complaining or anything. I was just wondering." He squeezed my hands gently.

"I just… I… I like your hands," I mumbled and shook my head slowly.

Part of me died when Edward leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss before pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back, fighting back the urge to just tell him and get this entire thing over with, because I was certain that even the feeling of him rejecting me had to be easier than what I felt right now.

** *** **

"So then… Oh God!" Emmett laughed and shook his head while trying to tell all of us a story. It was normally hard not laugh along once Emmett got going. In fact everyone at our table was crying from laughing while Emmett leaned back and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. I was the only exception. "So then Edward picks up this chair and just chunks it out of the patio door and looks at Jake and says 'fetch!'. It was fucking hilarious!"

I frowned and looked at Edward who was leaned over in his chair laughing. It might have been that I was in a bad mood, but I didn't find the fact that Edward had thrown a chair through a door that funny. It sounded stupid, dangerous, and extremely rude. I must have been the only one though because everyone else was laughing.

"Why would you do that?" I asked. The people sitting around us stopped laughing and looked at me.

"It was a joke," Edward said with a slight laughed and shook his head. "I paid for the chair and the door. It's fine."

"Lighten up Swan," James said from across from me. "Don't be jealous that you weren't there to get the joke."

I turned my head and glared at him. James was the drummer for Plaid Culprit and he absolutely made my skin crawl. He just looked like a skeezy guy and made the most inappropriate jokes and comments. He had a crude sense of humor that revolved around demeaning women. I hated it.

"I believe she has told you on several occasions that her name is Bella," Rosalie snapped from her seat in between Emmett and James. She gave him an icy glare, followed by another one to Edward, who rolled his eyes and shook a piece of ice out of his glass, ignoring her. "Bella I need some air. Why don't you come with me?" She asked and pushed herself away from the table.

I nodded and followed her out onto the patio that was just off of the private dining room we were in. Rosalie walked outside while muttering to herself. I leaned against the railing and sighed.

"I thought it was stupid too," she said, sitting on a stone bench next me. "When it happened I told him he was being a drunken asshole. That's why he's pissed off at me, like I even give a shit."

I turned around and looked at her, "I really hope we aren't going down that road again. Alice said he's been drinking more than normal."

Rosalie nodded in agreement and looked down at her feet. "I think James is a bad influence. I mean… okay we all drink, but Jake and Embry told me that James is snorting up every chance he gets. Plus the guy is just a dick. I hate being around him."

"Does Edward know he does that?" I asked and Rosalie shrugged. "Does Alice?"

"Yeah, I told her right after I told Emmett. We're all keeping an eye on Edward, don't worry."

I sighed and sat down next to her and shook my head. "I trust Edward. He wouldn't do that to me…" I stopped quickly and coughed, hoping Rosalie hadn't heard me. "He wouldn't do that to Esme."

"He wouldn't do it to you either," she said quietly and smiled when I looked at her. "You don't have everyone fooled Bella."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh really? So you and Edward aren't messing around? You aren't secretly in love with him, hoping that he will someday pull his head out of his ass and see what's been in front of him for years?" Rosalie asked and I felt my heart stop.

"How do you…"

"I'm very observant Bella," she smiled and gave me a reassuring smile. I just looked at her. "Ok I saw you leaving his room when we were in Charleston. I saw the two of you kiss and then you left to go back to your hotel room."

"Who else knows?" I asked quietly.

"No one. At least that I know of. I think Jasper is kind of suspicious, but he hasn't said anything."

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. "Rosalie, please don't tell anyone. I just need some time."

She put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a reassuring squeeze. "Bella, I know first hand how stubborn the Cullen men can be. You have my sympathy. I won't say anything, and if I can help… just let me know."

I smiled slightly and nodded my head. "Thank you."

The two of us sat there for a few more minutes until Rosalie went back inside. I decided to stay and after she went back in I just sat there enjoying the stillness. I felt better, knowing that someone else knew. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved that it was Rosalie and not Alice who had figured it out first. I loved Alice, but Rosalie was more of a… well I guess she was more of a man eater. She had a feminine prowess about her that was almost palpable. I was pretty sure that if any one of our friends was going to be successful in helping me, it would be her.

"Can I join you?" My head shot up and I saw Edward leaning against the door and looking at me. I nodded and moved over slightly when he sat down next to me. "Are you mad at me?" He asked quietly.

"No," I answered honestly and looked at him. "I'm worried about you."

"Why?" he asked, laughing slightly.

I reached over, gently laying my hand over his and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I don't trust James."

"Neither does Rosalie," he sighed and stood up, slowly pacing in front of me.

"And that doesn't tell you anything? I mean… I know I can be a little irrational at times, but Rosalie is a really good judge of character."

Edward stopped pacing and looked down at me with a smirk on his face. "We are talking about Rosalie Hale, the woman who's dumb enough to date my brother?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Edward, we just don't want you to get hurt. And if I know anything it's that James is bad news. Please just promise me you'll be careful."

He promised and sat back down. "You know Bella, it's kind of a turn on when you get all protective and shit," Edward kidded and pushed his shoulder against mine. Even though I still wanted to be upset I shook my head and laughed.

"God, you can be such a perv," I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Sadly that is true," Edward said with a dramatic sigh while he wrapped an arm around me. "But you love me."

_More than you'll even realize_, I thought bitterly and let him lead me back inside.

** *** **

"Do you really have to go back?" Edward quietly asked while his fingers ran up and down my arms.

I sighed before rolling towards him. He opened his arms and I held on one of his hands before wrapping one of my legs around his and tucking my head under his chin. "Unfortunately," I whispered and kissed his hand that was held in mine. "What time is it?"

I felt Edward's head raise and then lay back down. "It's a quarter till five."

"We're supposed to meet everyone for breakfast before I leave," I muttered and kissed his chest. "So, we have five hours till we have to be downstairs." I smiled and rolled him over onto his back and slowly kissed his chest and neck while I straddled his lap. Edward moaned and I smiled when his hips pushed up against me. "You don't need very much encouragement do you?"

He surprised me by sliding his hand between our bodies and slowly running his fingers over me. I groaned and pushed myself down against his fingers. He gave a deep laugh and slid a finger into me, "and apparently you don't either. Sit up."

I nodded and lifted my self up off his lap and bit my lip as he guided me down onto him. I held onto his forearms as he held into my hips and I slowly moved against him. My head fell backwards as one of his hands ran up over my stomach, which still made me incredibly self conscious, but when his hand moved between my breasts and around my neck I forgot about my size and focused on how freaking great it felt to be with him.

"If you're leaving then I'm going to have to make sure this will be enough to tide you over," Edward said roughly while his hand fisted in the back of my hair.

He pulled me down to him and as I leaned over him he rolled me over and onto my back. My legs wrapped around his hips and I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth while I pulled at his shoulders. He smiled and pulled away from me, sitting up on his knees and holding onto my hips. They lifted off the bed with each thrust that he gave me.

"God Bella," Edward groaned while pulling me harder against him. My hands reached back, fisting in the pillows behind me.

His hands slid up and around my thighs and I groaned at the pleasure and pain of his fingers digging into my skin. Every muscle in my body was tightened to the point that it was nearly painful, all in anticipation of what he was bringing me too. I threw my head back at the feeling of him inside me; groaning as he slid out and then moaning as he thrust himself back in. I needed more. I needed to feel him go deeper.

"I want on top," I said breathlessly. Edward leaned down and as he rolled me over on top of him I felt him smiling against my lips. I moaned loudly as I slid back down onto him. "Mmm Edward."

"Fuck me Bella," he said roughly, pushing his hips up against me. "I want you to cum," he growled as I moved faster. His hands moved back to my hips and each time he pulled me harder onto him.

"Edward I…" I moaned loudly, my head falling onto my shoulder.

"Come on baby," he encouraged me. I was so fucking close. I felt everything, the feeling of his hands holding me against him, his breath coming out in short pants, his chest heaving from exertion. "Bella I need you," Edward moaned loudly and I knew he was on the edge.

His hands pushed me down harder against him, making me scream with pleasure when he pushed up against me. He held me against him and our moans mixed together as I slowly moved against him while still keeping him fully in me.

"Jesus!" Edward growled and with a loud grunt thrust his hips back up into me one last time.

We both stopped moving and his grip on my hips loosened. I slowly opened my eyes and smiled when his fingers ran over my thighs. I slowly moved off of him and moved to lie beside him, resting my head on his chest.

"So fucking good," he said quietly while his fingers ran through my hair. I smiled and nodded my head. "Try to get some sleep," Edward whispered and kissed the top of my head. He laughed quietly when my hand slid across the sheets to find his, but once my fingers were intertwined with his, he raised them to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles.

I stared out the window, listening to Edward's breathing become deeper. When he started snoring softly I gently pulled away from him and sat up. I looked down at the man sleeping beside me and couldn't help but smile.

Carefully, I leaned over and kissed his lips softly. "I love you Edward," I whispered and then kissed him again. I laid my head back on his chest and let the rhythm of his heart beat and breathing lull me to sleep.

**A/N: Alright kids, because I am nice I will give you a little warning and tell you to start preparing yourself, it's about to get ugly up in here. Just remember that I really do love you. You'll get pissed at Edward, and you'll get really annoyed with Bella. But remember, all is fair in love and war. Or is it?**


	6. Out Of The Dark

"**In a strange, strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star. In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are. Even fools, they say, can find a way out of the dark. Help me out of the dark." Out Of the Dark, Matt Hires**

Birthdays are just another day, especially when the majority of your friends are halfway across the country. I didn't expect recognition or any sort of celebration, but I was bitter as hell that the one person who I had figured would at least call me, hadn't.

I got cards and gifts from my parents, Alice and Jasper had flowers delivered to me at work, and even Rosalie and Emmett had called and said that I would get their gift next week when I got to New York. Everyone at work had told me happy birthday, as did my roommate. As I sat here fuming I was waiting on Esme, who had insisted that she take me to dinner for my birthday. Even my fucking dentist has sent me a card in the mail. The one person I hadn't heard from was Edward.

It wasn't just today, but for the past few weeks it seemed like Edward was pulling away from me. I would call and get his voicemail ninety percent of the time. I would send text messages and was lucky to get a one or two word response. I knew he was busy, and I technically didn't have a right to be mad that he wasn't calling me as much. But even if I wasn't his girlfriend, as his friend I at least deserved a happy birthday text message.

"Bella," I heard Esme say from behind me, and smiled when she reached our table. "I'm so sorry I'm late."

I stood up and smiled when she hugged me. "You're fine. I've only been here about ten minutes," I said while we both sat down. "How is Carlisle?"

"Oh he's fine. He is on call tonight, but wanted me to wish you a happy birthday," She said and placed a small box in front of me.

"Esme, you shouldn't have done anything," I said but she shook her head and reached across the table and squeezed my hand.

"You're like a daughter to us Bella," she said sincerely and nodded towards the box. "Open it."

I smiled and carefully pulled the paper off. Esme watched me as I opened the lid and pulled a smaller velvet box out of the first one. I carefully opened it and looked back up at her when I saw what was inside.

"Do you like it?" She asked excitedly. "Carlisle and I picked it out months ago."

"It's beautiful," I whispered and gently touched the delicate gold chain. It was a necklace that was very dainty; it was a thin gold chain with two charms hanging at the bottom of it. I smiled as my fingertips trailed over them; one was a heart and the other a music note and both of them smaller than my thumbnail. "Esme it's so..." I tried to find the right words to describe it, but I just shook my head and laughed when tears sprung to my eyes. "It's perfect." She smiled and moved her chair closer to mine. I leaned into her as she wrapped an arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze.

Esme was graceful and classic; you could tell that just by looking at her. But a lot of people underestimated her sense of intuition. She had subtly been telling me for years that she knew Edward and I belonged together, and I always played it off as a joke. Lately however, I hadn't been able to.

"One day he will see it Bella," Esme said quietly and wiped a stray tear off of my cheek. I wanted to believe her, but the longer that this entire thing went on, the more uncertain I became. I nodded as she gave me another squeeze and then let me go. "Did Edward ever tell you that I was married before Carlisle?" She asked quietly while putting her napkin in her lap.

"No," I shook my head and looked at her. I am sure I looked confused and maybe a little concerned. Esme and Carlisle were the epitome of the perfect couple to me. For years I had envied their marriage, and if I ever got married one day, I hoped that it would be like theirs.

"Well, it isn't something I'm necessarily proud of. It was a time in my life that I was so lost that it really is a miracle I ever even found my way out." She sighed and smiled when she saw me looking at her. "Edward is more like me than you could imagine."

She started to tell me something but stopped when the waiter came and took our orders. I quickly told him what I wanted and once he left I turned back to look at Esme.

"I was eighteen and thought that I knew everything," she said while she talked, her hands fidgeting with the silverware in front of her. "I got married two days after I graduated high school and got pregnant two months later." I gasped even though I didn't mean to, and covered my mouth. She smiled and patted my arm and continued. "Carlisle is the Edward and Emmett's father, if that's what you're worried about. I lost the first baby early on, and even though I was devastated we kept trying. A year later I got pregnant again and seven months later had another miscarriage."

"It left me broken and incomplete," she said softly and sighed before continuing. "After that I became a totally different person. I cheated on my husband, got addicted to gambling and drinking. A couple of years after he divorced me, I got addicted to prescription pills. I might have had a heart beat Bella, but emotionally I was dead."

"Esme," I whispered and held onto her hand. She smiled and shook her head at my attempted apologies and carried on.

"I tried to kill myself one night by overdosing, but luckily my sister found me and took me to the hospital. That's where I met Carlisle." She smiled and nodded when the server dropped off our drinks. "For months that man tried to make me see that he loved me, and for months I turned a blind eye to it. Why would someone as good as Carlisle love someone like me? For years I believed that I was just better off alone, and even when I had Carlisle promising me that it would be different with him I still couldn't believe that I belonged with him... or with anyone."

"Better off alone," I sighed and nodded. I had heard Edward say that several times.

Esme turned and looked at me, a kind smile on her face. "I've been where Edward is, and I know that eventually he will open his eyes. All of it will make sense to him."

I sighed, wanting so much to believe her. "How did you finally realize that you loved Carlisle?" I asked quietly while picking at my napkin.

Esme delicately shrugged her shoulders. "I woke up. I realized that God was giving me a second chance and that I didn't want to be alone anymore."

I nodded and looked down at the box that was still open on the table. The soft light above us flickered on the gold charms, making them shine. "Will Edward ever wake up?" I asked quietly and smiled when Esme's hand wrapped around mine.

"I honestly believe he will," she said, and I really hoped she was right.

** *** **

"I'm such a shitty friend Bella. I'm sorry," Edward said quietly and I rolled my eyes. Three days. It took him three freaking days to remember my birthday, and even now I wasn't convinced someone hadn't reminded him. "I promise I will make it up to you when you get to New York."

"I don't want anything Edward," I sighed and rolled over onto my side. It was two in the morning, and aside from the fact that he had once again called in the middle of the night and woke me up, he had also successfully pissed me off to the point that I probably wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

"Do you want me to sing happy birthday to you?" He asked, and even though I couldn't see him I knew he was smirking.

"No," I said dryly. He sighed and I hoped he was getting the message that I wasn't happy.

"Bella come on, I'm trying here."

"You're trying? Trying what?" I asked with a bitter laugh.

"I know you're pissed off and I'm trying to make it up to you. You could cut me a little slack," Edward said, his indignant tone of voice only making me angrier.

"You want to make it up to me?" I asked sarcastically and didn't wait for his answer. "Find the guy that used to be my best friend and tell him to call me," I said icily and hung up the phone before he could respond.

Less than ten seconds later my phone was ringing again.

"Incase you couldn't tell, me hanging up on you is my way of saying I don't want to talk to you right now," I yelled and hung the phone up again. This time I turned my phone off and threw it in the direction of my bedside table.

I loved Edward, but that didn't mean that when he was such a complete dumbass that I had to like him. I threw one of my pillows across the room in frustration and rolled back over, trying to make myself go to sleep. Four hours later and I was still unsuccessful. I decided to just get up and get ready for work.

As I rode the elevator up to my office I scrolled through the dozens of text messages that Edward had left for me. They started out apologetic, but ended up being incoherent and full of cusswords. I deleted the ten voice mails he had left me without bothering to listen to them.

My day didn't improve as it wore on. I was written up again, when my boss's secretary found a picture of me in some teenybopper magazine. Technically it was of Edward, but my face was in it. The date of the picture had been during my supposed emergency trip to Texas, when in fact I was in Orlando. I was told how disappointing my behavior was, and that I would only be given one more chance. By the time I left the office that night I was on the verge of either crying hysterically or finding some random person and beating the shit out of them. Angela was lucky that she was working a double shift tonight.

I stomped up the stairs of our front porch and pushed the door open. I was pulling my jacket off and thinking of nothing but peeling off my clothes, taking a bath and going to bed when I heard someone clear their throat. I screamed and had to have jumped at least three feet high. Leaning against the door to my bedroom was Edward. He was smiling, and from the looks of it, trying not to laugh.

"Surprise!"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to beat back the excitement in my chest with the left over anger from last night.

"I told you I wanted to make it up to you," he said and pushed away from the door. "I have to fly back early tomorrow morning, but I couldn't just let you be mad at me."

This wasn't fair. Why couldn't I just be mad at him? It wasn't fair that he could show up here and I immediately forgave him. I didn't care that he had been a royal jackass last night, or that he had really hurt my feelings because at that moment all that mattered was that he was here. When did I become this big of a pushover?

I crossed my arms over my chest as he walked towards me and I at least pretended to be mad. He hugged me, and I didn't hug him back, though I really wanted to. He smiled and kissed my forehead before brushing my hair off of my face.

"I'm sorry I forgot your birthday," he said, looking down at me. I tried to muster enough anger to stay mad, but I couldn't, especially when he looked at me like that.

"Don't let it happen again," I muttered and looked down at the floor.

"Why won't you look at me?" He asked, running his finger under my chin.

"Because if I look at you then I can't be mad, and I want to be mad a little bit longer," I said and moved my face away from his hand. He sighed when I walked away from him but didn't say anything. "Do I need to take you to the airport tomorrow?"

"No, Alice is having a car pick me up," Edward said and fell down onto our couch.

I watched him from the kitchen as he looked around the small house that he had once been a permanent fixture in. A few years ago it wouldn't have been anything special for me to walk in and find Edward sitting on my couch. Looking at him now, it was like he didn't belong here. He looked so out of place in the presence of our hand me down furniture that didn't match. It was like looking at a shiny new penny amongst old tarnished ones. It was just sad.

"Do your parents know you're here?" I asked while fixing a drink.

"Yeah," Edward smiled and looked over at me. "I saw them before I came by here."

I nodded but didn't say anything else. Edward sighed and got up from the couch.

"Look, Bella, I didn't come here to make you uncomfortable. Do you want me to leave?" He asked, leaning on the bar in front of me.

"No," I said quietly and looked at him. "It's just been... a bad week."

"Do you want to talk about it?"Edward asked and I shook my head. "Are you hungry? I could take you out to dinner."

"No thank you," I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "I'm just so tired. All I really want to go to bed, but that's rude because you came all this way and..."

"You think I'm not tired?" He asked with a laugh and I couldn't help but smile. "I could probably sleep for a few days if someone would let me, if you want to go to bed then let's go."

"And just sleep?" I said, raising an eyebrow and crossing my arms again. I might not be mad anymore, but he also didn't need to know that I was giving in so easily.

"Give me some credit Bella," he said and pushed away from the bar. I laughed as he walked towards my bedroom, shedding clothes as he went. Had I not been exhausted, I might have thought of a few ways he could have earned forgiveness.

I was almost asleep when I felt his fingers tracing the hallow part of my throat. "That's pretty," he said quietly, as his fingers ran over the necklace I had gotten for my birthday. My eyes opened and I stared at the silhouette of Edward leaning over me. "Who gave it to you?"

"Your parents gave it to me for my birthday," I said quietly as his fingers traced over the delicate chain resting against my neck.

"I didn't get you a gift either," he said and laid back down beside me. "God, I really am a shitty friend."

"I thought this was my birthday present? You showing up and surprising me," I asked and turned my head to look at him.

"No this was an 'I'm sorry I fucked up' surprise. Now I need a birthday present and an 'I'm a shitty best friend' present," he said and rubbed his forehead. "You've been such a good friend to me and I really fucked this up."

We were both quiet for a moment. I probably should have contradicted him, but lately he had been a shitty friend.

"Well, look at it this way. You've paid for all of my plane tickets to come see you. That counts for at least two birthdays and maybe one shitty friend present," I said and smiled when I heard him laugh.

"How about you do me a favor and we call it even," he said and pulled me closer to him.

"A favor? I thought this was you making up to me. Shouldn't you be offering me favors?" I asked and turned on my side to face him.

"Well I would but you said we could only sleep," he said and I hit his chest. "Ow! God I was kidding..."

"What favor do you need?" I asked, ignoring his whining and sexual innuendos.

"Stay in New York for another week and go with me to the VMAs," He said quietly and traced his fingers over my back.

"The VMAs? As in the Video Music Awards?" I asked and sat up when he nodded. "The MTV Video Music Awards?"

"How many other VMAs are there?" He asked with a laugh.

"Edward... I'm not..."

"What?" He asked and ran a hand over my stomach which I pushed away.

"I don't think I'm VMA material," I said quietly and shook my head. "I'm more of a behind the scene kind of girl and..."

"Bella stop it," Edward said fiercely and grabbed my hand. "You're my best friend and I need you to go with me."

I groaned and threw my head back. Why was he playing the damn best friend card?

"Why?" I asked. "Take Alice, or hell even Rosalie. She would fit right in."

"I don't want to take Alice or Rosalie. I want to take you."

"But..." I started and he cut me off.

"You're my best friend and I need you." He said with finality.

"Why?" I asked again and he just looked at me. "If you're going to pull out the 'you're my best friend' card then I at least get an explanation, especially when it will involve me wearing a dress."

"I don't want to be one of those 'celebrities' who forgets who they were before they made it big... and you remind me. You keep me grounded and I need you to go with me," Edward explained quietly.

Damn him and his freaking explanations that just make my heart melt! I laid back down and shook my head. "I'll talk to my boss tomorrow," I said quietly. I tried not to smile when Edward hugged me to him and whispered a soft "thank you" against my ear.

** *** **

"How can I help you Miss Swan?" Mrs. Cope, my boss, said in her little snappish tone of voice. She motioned to the chair in front of her.

I sat down and tried to look optimistic even though I knew there was no way in hell she was going to say yes. "I know that I've had some trouble lately, and I apologize," I started politely.

She nodded and folded her hands in front of her. "I appreciate your apology."

"I need to ask if there is any way that I can, maybe work a few extra hours and maybe come in on the weekend to make up some time," I said as smoothly as possible.

"Make up time for what?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I need to ask off for the week after my New York trip," I said quietly and smiled hopefully.

She laughed and shook her head, looking at me like she was hoping that I was in some way joking. When I didn't say anything she leaned forward on her elbows. "Miss Swan did you not understand me yesterday when I told you that you were standing on your last leg here?" She asked.

"No ma'am I understood."

"Then explain to me why you are now coming in my office, asking for even more time off? I would say that I have been more than accommodating in even letting you have next Thursday and Friday off to go to New York," Mrs. Cope said coldly.

I sighed and looked down at the floor. "Edward..."

"Edward again?" She asked with a laugh. "Miss Swan if I were you, I would tell Mr. Cullen that if he is so insistent on you being his groupie and following him around the country, then he should start paying you to be there. My answer is no."

"Mrs. Cope..."

"I said no." She said quickly and I knew the conversation was over.

I walked out of her office fighting back the urge to scream. I went back to my desk and sunk into my chair. I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down, but it didn't do any good. I was a breaking point, and sooner or later something was going to have to give.

**A/N: Just a quick thanks to everyone! I promise as we start getting into the angst I will try to update as much as I can. It will be like a big ole' Band-Aid that we can pull off together and maybe it won't be too painful.**


	7. All Over You

"**This life is way too short to get caught up in all this stuff, when I just want you to love me back. Why can't you just love me back?" All Over You, The Spill Canvas**

_Tap. Tap. Tap._ I rolled over to try and get away from the noise that had woken me up. I pulled the pillow closer to me and sighed. When I heard the noise again I opened one eye. The sound became more persistent, so I sat up and looked around. The space on the bed next to me was empty, just like it had been last night. I rubbed my eyes and heard the tapping noise again.

"What the hell is that?" I muttered to myself and crawled out of the bed. I stumbled on the hem of my pajama pants but thankfully caught myself before I fell. I opened the bedroom door and looked out into the living area of the hotel suite we were staying in.

I squinted into the darkness. Edward was staring out of the window, tapping something against the top of the table he was seated at. His back was ramrod straight in the chair, and other than the tapping and his leg bouncing up and down he was completely still. I sighed and shook my head. He had been like this since I had gotten to New York. We would go to bed together, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to find him missing. Last night I had found him in the living room staring at a TV screen filled with static.

"Edward?" I asked quietly. The tapping stopped and he turned around to look at me. "What are you doing?"

"I can't sleep," he muttered.

I pushed my hair off of my face and walked to the table, running my fingers across his back before sitting down next to him. He looked at me for a second then back out the window. It had only been a week since Edward had surprised me in Seattle, and even though I couldn't pin point what was different about him, I could tell something was off. He wasn't the same person he had been a few days ago.

"Have you gone to a doctor about this? Insomnia can cause serious health problems."

"I'll be fine," he said, nodding his head. "I'm just stressed out. You know… last leg of the tour. I'm just anxious to go home. You should go back to sleep."

"Edward…"

He abruptly stood up and leaned over to kiss the top of my head. "Don't worry about me. I think I'm going to try and write. Go back to sleep, I'll be in there in a little bit."

I watched him walk away and after a few seconds walked back into the bedroom. Edward never came back to bed, and I never fell back asleep. I sat there, watching as the sunrise spilled into the room and tried to fight back the sense of fear that was creeping into my chest. We just had to hold on for three more weeks, and then we could all go back to Seattle. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to loosen the knot that was making it difficult for me to breathe.

"Three more weeks," I whispered to myself and got out of bed.

** *** **

"I'm still getting a lot of static feedback Tony!" Edward yelled from the stage.

I watched from my seat on the floor of the arena as the soundboard tech did whatever it was he did. I heard someone whistle and turned around to see Jasper walking towards me. He sat in the chair next to mine and watched with mild amusement as Edward started playing again.

"You're flying back after the show tonight?" Jasper asked me after a moment.

"Supposed to," I muttered. The two of us sat there quietly, watching Edward go through his sound check. After a few seconds I turned and looked at Jasper. "Have you noticed him acting a little off lately?"

"Not really. I mean, he's still the moody asshole that he always is the day of shows."

"Not just today, but… I dunno Jasper, something is definitely going on. He is fine during the day, same ole' Edward that he always is. But he isn't sleeping and… I can just tell something is off with him," I tried to explain. "You don't think he's using again do you?" It hurt me to even think about it, much less ask out loud.

Jasper watched Edward for a moment and then looked back at me. "If he is, then he is doing a damn good job of hiding it. He isn't withdrawn from everything like he was before. Maybe he's just stressed out. He has the tour and then during his spare time he's trying to finish songs for the next album. It's a lot," He suggested.

I nodded, trying to seem more confident than I appeared.

"I think we all just need a break," Jasper said, leaning back in the chair and putting an arm around my shoulders. "I'm surprising Alice for Christmas and taking her to Hawaii. She will probably work the entire time we are there, but at least it's something."

"I'm sure she will enjoy it," I smiled and patted his knee. "And, if it makes you feel any better, it makes me jealous."

"That does make me feel immensely better, thank you."

"Jackass," I muttered, but smiled when he squeezed my shoulders.

We sat there laughing and talking while the sound check continued. It was nice to have a small sense of normalcy after the past few months. That's one thing I loved about Jasper, no matter where we were or what was going on he was the same person. In a lot of ways Jasper had been the one constant thing in my life; I guess it was because I had known him for so long. His behavior and attitude hadn't changed over the years, and whatever had come or gone, he was still the same Jasper he had always been.

My brief sense of relief dissipated however, when I saw James walk onto the stage. Just the sight of him made me want to run over there and push him away from Edward. It was like anytime he was near him it made me go into hyper-protective mode. I ground my teeth together and watched as Edward and James talked. A few seconds later some blonde girl with legs a mile long came walking out to join them.

"Who's that?" I asked Jasper, motioning to the stage.

"Oh that's Katie, James's cousin. She's been hanging around for a couple of weeks."

"Hmm." I tried to appear nonchalant, but I am pretty sure I didn't pull it off.

I didn't like the way she was looking at Edward, or the way she was making him laugh. And I definitely hated the way she would hang onto his arm while they talked.

Jasper asked me if I wanted to go get some coffee with him, and as I followed him out I saw Katie watching us. It might have been my imagination, but I am pretty sure she sneered at me. I stopped walking and stared back at her, raising an eyebrow. She smiled before turning back to James and Edward. I had no idea who this chick was, but I already hated her.

I spent the rest of the day staying as close to Edward as I could. What I was doing was a little too obvious, making Alice and Emmett give me questionable looks, but I didn't care. If Katie was going to be going after Edward, then I was determined to at least remind him I was there. I might not have legs that went on for days, but I was his fucking best friend! That had to count for something.

I hadn't actually tried to flirt with Edward in a long time, and it was a little difficult to rein it in once I got going. When Edward asked me what was going on, I tried to play dumb. That didn't work. So instead I passed it off as being sad about having to leave after the show. That wasn't a great idea. All it did was make him moodier, to the point that I was having a hard time being around him.

"Hey Alice?" I asked quietly. Edward was doing his warm up vocals while everyone else sat around and talked.

She looked up from her phone and smiled. "Yeah?"

"Do um… Would it be possible to get like ten minutes alone with Edward before the show?"

"Is everything okay?" She put her phone down and looked at me.

"Yeah everything's fine. I wanted to just get a few minutes with him… you know… before I leave," I smiled and tried to lie convincingly.

I hated when Alice gave me that look. Like she was trying to read your mind and figure out if you were lying to her. Her eyes narrowed for a second and then she smiled. "Yeah. He has to be on in twenty so I'll get everyone out of here."

I nodded and then watched as she herded everyone out of the room. Emmett, being Emmett, asked why he had to leave. Alice and Rosalie tried to be a little discreet, but by the time they shut the door it was pretty damn obvious why they were all leaving, because I wanted to be alone with Edward.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders and sat on the arm of the chair, watching as he tried to fix his hair. "Does something have to be wrong for me to spend time with you?"

"No, but normally you don't have Alice clear the room."

I nodded and the silence between us got awkward. There were a million questions I wanted to ask him, like if he was interested in Katie. Was he using again? Was he mad at me? Did he still want me? Was he ever going to fucking open his eyes and see that I loved him? I sighed and picked at the arm of the chair I was sitting on.

He moved in front of me and pushed part of my hair off of my shoulder. I looked up at gave him a pathetic excuse for a smile. "I'm not mad that you can't stay." _Well that answered one question._ "I understand that you've missed a lot of work and its okay, really."

"You're not mad at me?" I asked quietly. He shook his head no. "Promise?" I looked up as Edward leaned forward, brushing his lips against mine and nodding his head. "Say it," I whispered softly.

His hands curved around my neck as his thumbs gently caressed my cheeks. "I promise," he said quietly and held my face before kissing me.

I pulled at the front of his shirt as our lips met and tongues moved together. I tried to pour as much emotion as I could into it, like I was trying to prove something to him. The kiss deepened, and we were both on the verge of getting carried away. I was leaning back against the chair, pulling Edward closer to me. His hands were threaded in the back of my hair, leaning into me.

A knock came on the door and we broke apart, both of us panting.

"Five minutes, Edward," Alice called through the door.

"You better go get to your seat," Edward said, his voice deeper than usual.

"I think I'll just stay back here."

He smiled and leaned back down to give me a quick kiss before standing back up. I helped him straighten his shirt and after a few seconds, followed him out of his dressing room. I walked with him to the stairs leading to the stage, gave him a quick hug and wished him good luck. He smiled, kissed the top of my head and followed Alice up the stairs.

I wasn't sure why, but as I watched him walk onto the stage I felt like something broke inside of me. I wiped the tears that were running down my cheeks away and smiled when Jasper asked me if I was okay. I took a deep breath and leaned against him as his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

** *** **

"And will you be checking any bags Miss Swan?"

I slowly looked up at the woman talking to me. She smiled and raised her eyebrows when I just continued to look at her.

"Miss Swan?"

"I don't want to leave," I muttered, more to myself than to anyone else.

I hadn't ever felt like this feeling before. I mean, I always hated leaving Edward and everyone else behind when I went home, but this was different. It felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack as I stood there looking down at my plane ticket. Something was telling me not to go home, but the rational part of my brain was telling me that if I didn't go, then I wouldn't have a job tomorrow.

"Ma'am your flight leaves in forty-five minutes. If you're wanting to board, then we need to hurry," she said, trying to shake me out of my stupor.

When I had said goodbye to Edward after the show, it literally felt like my heart was breaking. An irrational fear ripped through my body, and it took everything I had to even let him go. I never felt like this, so why all of a sudden was my body freaking out? Was this some weird ass sense of womanly intuition? I closed my eyes and tried to think rationally. _If I don't go then I won't have a job. If I go home and something happens to Edward, then I will never forgive myself. JOB. EDWARD. JOB. EDWARD. _I wanted to fucking scream I was so frustrated.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I yelled loudly. The woman behind the counter stared at me and I quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, I have to go." Without thinking, I grabbed the handle of my suitcase and ran as fast as I could back outside. I waved my arms wildly to get a cab to stop, and threw myself inside when one did.

"I couldn't leave," I cried into the phone. I ignored the cab driver watching me in the review mirror, instead concentrating on Jasper's voice talking to me.

"What do you mean you couldn't leave? What's wrong?"

"I… I just couldn't…" I cried louder. I was actually sobbing now, my shoulders were shaking and I couldn't breathe properly.

"Bella what the hell is going on? Are you hurt? Where are you?" Jasper asked franticly.

"I'm… in…a…cab…"I stuttered through the sobs.

"Can you tell them where the hotel is?"

"Uh huh," I mumbled and nodded my head, not that he could see me.

"Go to the hotel and we'll meet you there," he said calmly.

We hung up the phone and I leaned forward, resting my head on the disgusting Plexiglas partition. I ignored the driver telling me that he would charge me extra if I puked in his back seat and concentrated on trying to breathe. I was pretty sure I was having a panic attack, and from what I could remember from first aid, the thing I needed to do was take calming breaths and try to relax. That was a hell of a lot easier said than done.

By the time the cab reached the hotel I had at least stopped sobbing. I was still crying, but it wasn't as scary. Jasper wrenched opened the door as soon as the car stopped and I fell against him while I tried to get out of the car.

"You'll be okay," he said reassuringly and helped me into the hotel. Emmett paid for the cab and got my bag and purse, following behind us.

The hotel sent a doctor up to check on me, and he confirmed that I had in fact had a panic attack. He gave me some sort of tranquilizer than made everything seem like it was moving in slow motion and ordered me to stay in bed. That's where I was, letting Rosalie run her fingers through the back of my hair, when Edward and Alice got there. He practically ran into the room with Alice directly on his heels.

"Is she okay? What happened? What did the doctor say? Why didn't someone call me?" He asked quickly. Rosalie moved off of the bed and he took her place. I slowly looked up at him as his fingertips ran over the side of my face. "Are you alright?"

"We should talk about this outside. She needs rest," Rosalie said quietly.

Edward looked torn between staying there with me and going back out into the living room and hearing what had happened. He sighed before leaning down and kissing the top of my head. "I'll be back in a few minutes okay?" He asked quietly. I nodded and felt the bed shift as he got up.

I could hear their muted voices talking through the door, but didn't have the energy to try and listen to what they were saying. My eyelids felt heavy and I was exhausted. It took every ounce of energy I had to pull the blankets up higher on my body, and after that everything went black.

I spent the next few days sitting around a hotel room, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do. I felt better, although I still couldn't figure out what had triggered the attack in the first place. Edward and Jasper were annoying the shit out of me; both of them were being overprotective fools, and felt the need to babysit me.

Anytime I would bring up the subject of me not having a job, both of them would tell me not to worry about it. The first day I was okay with that, I was supposed to be resting. But now, with the reality of what was happening staring at me, I had no choice but to worry about it. I wasn't exactly destitute, I had some money saved and would receive my last paycheck next week. But even with my savings, I would only have enough money to last a couple of months. With Christmas looming around the corner, it made it even worse.

"Bella you have to stop worrying about this," Edward groaned and looked at me. "You are supposed to be resting. Resting and worrying is not the same thing. Besides, you hated that job anyway."

"Well not all of us get to live out our dreams Edward," I sighed.

"Bella I've offered you a job and you keep turning me down…"

"Edward!" I yelled, warning him to not start.

"All I'm saying is that I am offering a way to help you and you are too stubborn to accept it," he finished anyway.

"What the hell would you hire me to do?" I asked, finally giving in. "Alice doesn't need help. I can't play an instrument..."

"But you make me happy," Edward said with a shrug.

"So what you're really saying is that you want to pay me to 'make you happy', in other words making me a whore."

"That is not what I said Bella," Edward said as he threw his head back and sighed.

"Well that's what it would be. You would be paying to keep me around and screw around with on occasion. That would qualify me as a whore," I said quickly.

"Okay, then how about as my best friend you just accept a loan?" He asked me.

I glared at him. "Edward."

"What, Bella? If you need it, then take it!"

"That's just it; I don't want to take it! You've earned that money, and I want to earn mine!" I practically growled at him.

"Fine!" he snapped and got up. I watched him as he stomped into the bedroom and listened as I heard things being forcefully moved around. He came walking back into the living area and threw a folded up piece of paper at me. "Tell me how much you want."

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"The letter you wrote me. I want to buy the rights to it."

I stared at him and shook my head. "Edward I wrote that for you…"

"Exactly. You wrote it, and at some point in time I might want to use its words as lyrics. So, tell me how much you want for them," he asked calmly.

"Are you being serious?" I asked.

He sighed and nodded his head. "I will buy the rights for ten thousand. When we get back home I will have Alice negotiate royalty and publication rights and have the label draw up a contract for you."

"Ten thousand dollars?!" I yelled and shook my head. "Edward this letter isn't worth ten thousand dollars!"

"It is to me," he shrugged and looked at me. I just stared at him and shook my head. "So now you have nothing else to worry about, except maybe finding a dress for Sunday."

I rolled my eyes and he just laughed.

"You better get used to it Bella. If you're going to be a lyricist, you might end up famous one day. That means VMA's, Grammys… maybe even the Oscars. Who knows?"

"I think we have enough famous people in this friendship already," I muttered under my breath. He smiled and kissed my forehead.

** *** **

"Okay! Okay!" Edward whispered quickly and pulled his hand away from me. "You're going to break my hand!"

"I'm sorry" I whispered back. I tried to calm down and sit in my seat like any normal person, but the second I saw some other celebrity I recognized I grabbed Edward's arm and squeezed tightly.

"Gah!" He grunted under his breath and pulled his arm away from me.

"Edward do you know who that is?!" I whispered excitedly and nodded towards a small cluster of people standing and talking.

He looked to where I was motioning and smiled. "Yeah. That's Dave Mathews."

"Exactly! Dave Mathews! From the Dave Mathews Band!" I whispered and bit my lip.

"Do you want to meet him?" He asked and I shook my head.

"No!" I said a little too loudly when he started to stand up. He laughed when I pulled him back into his seat.

"Edward, stop harassing the poor girl. Bella, calm the hell down," Alice said, rubbing her forehead. I rolled my eyes and Edward smiled even wider. Had Alice not been sick, I was pretty sure she would have taken my side. She had been feeling horrible the past two days, and even though Edward assured her that he would be fine, she insisted on going with us.

I sat there and watched as hundreds of celebrities made their way around the auditorium. I bit my lip several times to keep from screaming and acting like an idiot. If I had thought Edward's celebrity status was strange before, it was nothing compared to now. It was surreal to see him talking to musicians and actors that were people I really considered famous.

When Alice and Edward went backstage to get ready for him to introduce some band, I quietly sat there by myself and internally freaked out. I was a nobody from a small town in Texas, but yet I here was, sitting in an auditorium surrounded by celebrities. It was a little difficult to wrap my mind around.

People went crazy, like always, when Edward took the stage and I just sat there shaking my head. I mean, he wasn't even performing. He was talking into a microphone about another band. It was bizarre.

During the after party I sat with Alice, watching as Edward made his way around the room talking to different people. I could still remember Edward from years ago, wearing dingy jeans with holes all in them and looking like some sort of homeless tramp. Now, wearing a suite that probably cost more than I had made in the last month, he looked like a celebrity.

"God, I feel horrible," she said quietly while rubbing her forehead.

"Do you technically have to be here?" I asked her.

"Not really. I mean, he did his job, now he just has to sit around and look happy to be here, mingling and smiling for pictures."

I smiled and rubbed her back. "Honey why don't you go back to the hotel?"

"I dunno…" she muttered and sniffled quietly. It was obvious her medicine was wearing off.

A few seconds later, Edward appeared at our table and all but insisted that she go back to the hotel and go to bed. After I reassured her, several times, that I would be fine, she reluctantly left. As she walked away I smiled and held onto Edward's hand.

"Having fun?" He asked me.

"Yeah," I nodded. "It's all a little overwhelming, but fun."

He laughed and looked around the room. "I have to go say hi to some people. Do you want to come?"

"Do I have to?" I asked sheepishly. He raised an eyebrow at me and I pointed down to my feet. "These shoes are killing me," I explained and smiled when he laughed.

"I'll be back in a little bit." He squeezed my hand and kissed the top of my head before making his way through the throngs of people packed into this room.

I was quite content to sit there and watch as people mingled and talked to each other. I watched, and every now and then was able to spot Edward talking to someone. The further back that he got though, the harder it was for me to see.

As a few minutes became thirty minutes I started to get a little worried. I sighed and nervously played with my necklace. An hour later, there was still no Edward. I was starting to feel embarrassed about sitting at this damn table by myself. People would walk by, giving me curious smiles. Two hours later, I was fucking pissed and there was still no sign of Edward. People were just point blank staring now, and I hated it. It was like the shitty high school days all over again, the fat girl sitting by herself at prom and people watching. I felt judged and humiliated.

"Your name is Bella, right?" A woman asked while smiling at me.

She looked familiar, but I couldn't place where I knew her. "Yes ma'am."

"I thought that was you," she said excitedly and sat down next to me. "You probably don't remember me, but I met you at the party the label threw for Edward. You know, when he signed his contract? I'm Carmen."

"Oh," I smiled and shook her hand. "I'm sorry, it's been… a crazy night."

She laughed and nodded her head. "You're telling me. They keep saying that these get easier to go to, the longer you're in the business. That isn't true."

I smiled politely.

"So were you here with Edward? Or…" She asked.

"With Edward," I nodded and fingered my necklace again. "He was talking to some people and I think he might have gotten carried away."

Her smile slipped slightly and she looked at me. "I thought I saw Edward leave a while ago," she said quietly.

"What…" My heart started pounding and it felt like my stomach was trying to crawl up my throat. He wouldn't do this to me. There had to be some mistake.

"I saw him getting into a car..."

My face felt like it was on fire. I nodded and slowly got to my feet. I mumbled something, hoping it was at least a polite apology for just leaving, but not really caring. I walked outside, looking at my phone to see if he had tried to call. There was nothing there. I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I stood on the busy New York City sidewalk and looked around helplessly.

I called Edward's cell phone and it went directly to voice mail, the same with Emmett and Rosalie's. I thought about calling Jasper, but Alice was sick and I didn't want to bother them. Thankfully I had remembered to put some money in this thing they called a purse, and was able to take a cab back to the hotel. The entire ride there, I tried to think of what could have happened to make him just leave me. If there had been an emergency, someone would have called me. Maybe he had lost his phone? But still, someone would have called me. Thirty minutes later, I was still clueless. I numbly walked through the hotel lobby and waited for the elevator.

I heard people laughing and looked to my right. I could see a small group of people sitting in the hotel bar across the lobby. I sighed and pushed the elevator button again. Their laughter got louder and it was starting to annoy me. I rolled my eyes before looking back at them, but saw something that made my heart stop. Edward.

He was laughing, with Katie leaning into him and his arm draped over the back of her chair. I slowly took a few steps forward, watching as he laughed at something Katie was telling him. They looked like a couple, spending the evening with friends and enjoying each other's company. She looked like she belonged with him; their perfect features balanced each other out.

I blinked when someone walked in front of me, momentarily blocking them from view. Whatever sort of trance I was in, broke, and it was like suddenly everything came back into focus. The sound of people talking, the telephones ringing… everything seemed sharper… louder. I looked around the hotel lobby and realized I didn't belong there. I heard the elevator's loud _ding_ and turned around to go back upstairs. I wasn't looking where I was going, and accidently ran into someone.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered and looked up to find James watching me. He smirked and walked around me. I heard Edward's voice from the bar and couldn't help but look back. James watched me, and laughed crudely.

"You didn't think he would a chubby chaser forever, did you?" He asked with a cruel smile on his lips.

"What…" I stared at him.

James shrugged and winked at me. "I know a few of the guys in the band that need a groupie. I'll tell them you're interested."

I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't. I wanted to hit him and knock that damn look off of his face, but I couldn't. All I could do was stand there and watch him walk towards the bar, and then get into the elevator that was waiting behind me.

I paced back and forth in the small space while it traveled up to our room. Edward had told James about us being together. I shook my head and screamed in frustration as the elevator slowly made its way up to our floor. I had known that sleeping with Edward was a bad idea, but it wasn't until this moment that I had actually regretted it. I felt like a whore, like some dirty piece of trash that could just be thrown aside when he was finished with me. I had been stupid enough to believe that what we had shared was something special, just between the two of us. And now that the truth was staring me in the face, I realized that nothing about it was special. I was a fucking groupie to him, and the worst part was that I had allowed myself to become one.

With a shaking hand I slid the keycard into the lock, and pushed the door open. I looked around, not really sure what I should do. I wanted to leave, to get as far away from this place and Edward as I possibly could. But it was two in the morning and I knew my options were limited.

As I walked back to the bedroom that I had been sharing with Edward, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped to look. I shook my head and felt nothing but guilt and shame. I looked like a cheap whore wearing this damn dress that Rosalie and Alice had talked me into buying. I looked like I was playing dress up, trying to live a life that I knew I didn't belong in. This wasn't who I was, and I have no idea why I ever thought it would be. I pulled the dress off, leaving it in a pile on the floor.

I put on the first pair of clothes that I found and started throwing the rest of my shit into my suitcase. Somewhere along the way I started crying, and pretty soon it was to the point that I couldn't even function.

I just stood there with a pair of shoes in one hand and my hairdryer in another and cried. I didn't try to be quiet, I screamed in frustration and humiliation, and cried because it was my own damn fault. I had done this to myself.

I thought that I could make him love me, make him see that I was perfect him. But now _I_ could see that it wasn't true. My personality might have been perfect for him, but I wasn't. The world wouldn't look at pictures of us and say "oh look at the happy couple" like they would if it were pictures of Edward and Katie. They would look at us and ask how the hell that even happened.

Time passed agonizingly slow as I sat and waited for Edward. I waited, thinking of what to do and how to have a conversation that I'd never wanted to have with him. Finally, a few minutes after the clock had chimed six o'clock, I heard someone opening the front door.

Part of me wanted to get up and hide, to try and avoid what I knew was coming. Another part of me wanted to get off of the bed and run at Edward and beat the shit out of him, to make him feel the same pain that I felt. But, I was too tired and numb to do anything but sit there and wait for him to come and find me.

I heard him moving through the suite, closer and closer to the bedroom. I heard him outside the door, picking my dress up off the floor and I stared at him as he walked into the room. He was wearing the same suit from the night before, his shirt was untucked with the top few buttons undone, and his jacket was draped over his arm.

Edward stopped when he saw me looking at him, and it made me feel slightly better that he seemed a little panicked.

"I figured you would still be asleep," he said quietly. I watched as he moved past me, dropping my dress and his jacket onto a chair. When he turned back around his eyes darted from my face, down to the suitcase sitting next to me, and then back up to mine. "Are you leaving?"

"I don't have a reason to stay." My voice sounded wrong. It was deeper than usual, flat and lifeless. Edward looked hurt when I said it, but that only made me feel more justified.

"I'm not a reason?" he asked.

"You left me there by myself," I said slowly. I was trying to stay clam and rational but it was hard when he acted so fucking innocent. "You left me there… to be with that…"

"I sent you a text message!" Edward said and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "I sent you like five messages telling you that I had to leave."

I shook my head and stared at him. "That's your excuse? You sent me a text message? Edward I sat there, by myself, for three hours! Do you know how humiliating that was? And then some woman I don't even know comes and tells me that she saw you leaving!"

"Bella I… Felix Ridgeway was there. We started talking and he asked me if I wanted to go get a drink with him and talk business… I couldn't just tell him no. You don't tell men like that no!" He yelled, trying to defend himself.

"Who the hell is Felix Ridgeway?"

"He's a producer that I've been trying to get a meeting with for the past year! He wants to work with me… Bella I couldn't just tell him no! I figured you got my text messages and left. I hadn't heard from you, so I thought you were up here sleeping!"

I shook my head, because it didn't really matter. Even if he had a perfectly good excuse for leaving me at that party, he had told James.

"When I got back to the hotel I saw you Edward. I saw you in that fucking bar with that… that… girl! And then… THEN… I run into James. You told him Edward! You told him about us!"

"What is the big deal? I never said that people couldn't know about this! You're the one who said you wanted to hide it from Alice and Jasper!" He yelled defensively.

"The big deal is that he called me a fucking groupie, Edward! He made me feel like I was some sort of whore that you kept around for nights when you couldn't find anyone better!" I screamed back. "You are supposed to be my best friend, and lately it's like I don't even know who you are anymore! The Edward that I knew wouldn't forget his best friend's birthday, or leave someone at a party where they knew absolutely no one! My Edward wouldn't go and tell some asshole about private and intimate details of our lives!"

"Bella…"

"You told me that you wanted me to keep you grounded Edward. Well I'm telling you right now, that you're changing into someone that I don't even know! It's like Jekyll and Hyde with you… I can't keep track anymore!" I yelled over his attempt to interrupt me.

"I am still the same person Bella! I just… I can't make everyone happy and there is so much riding on this next album! People are saying that I'll be a one hit wonder, that I wont be able to live up to the hype of another album," he said quietly and shook his head. "I wouldn't ever purposefully hurt you Bella. Please just… don't leave."

I stared at him, part of me feeling pity and part of me being angry to the point that I wasn't to hit him. I felt sorry for him, because I could see how much was riding on his shoulders. But, he had hurt me… more than he would probably ever know.

"I have to ask you something, and you have to be honest with me," I looked at him and he nodded. "If you lie to me, you will break my heart…"

"I promise, I will tell you the truth," Edward vowed quietly.

"Have you slept with Katie? Or anyone else since you and I have been sleeping together?" I asked him. I braced myself for his answer and watched as he looked over my face.

"Last night," he said quietly and nodded his head. "Last night I slept with Katie."

So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken. This is what it felt like when your entire world fell apart, and you were left with nothing but the harsh reality of what was happening. I looked down at the floor, trying not to cry. I wasn't successful. Before I could stop it, a gut wrenching sob left my mouth as I double over in pain.

"Bella I'm sorry," Edward tried to comfort me and I pulled away from him.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed and shook my head.

He ignored me, instead pulling me against him and wrapping his arms tightly around me. He didn't say anything as I hit his chest and tried to get away from him, only comforting me with quiet whispers that I didn't want to hear.

"Bella it didn't mean anything… it just happened…" He tried to explain.

"You are such a fucking idiot!" I yelled and finally pushed away from him. "You have no idea…"

"Bella it didn't mean anything!" He yelled back. I moved away as he reached for me again and I shook my head.

"It meant something to me!" I screamed at him. We both stood there staring at each other, the space between us filled with anger, doubt and regret. I took a deep breath and shook my head, "I…"

"What?" Edward asked quietly and took a tentative step towards me.

"I love you…" I said weakly, and shut my eyes as a look of shock covered his face. "I've been in love with you for so long… and you've just ignored it. I thought that I could finally make you see, but I can't… I can't do this anymore."

"Bella… What…"

I shook my head and roughly wiped my face off. I started to walk to the door, but stopped when Edward reached out and grabbed my hand. I looked up at him, hating the small feeling of hope that sat in my chest. Edward's eyes watched me briefly before he looked back at the floor and let my hand go. I turned around and walked out of that suite, leaving what was left of my heart behind with him.

As I walked down the hallway, it surprised me how calm I was. I wasn't crying or screaming. I didn't feel anything, other than the exhaustion that was making it difficult to keep my eyes open. I stopped in front of the familiar door and knocked softly. I heard movement from the other side and looked up when the door opened.

"Bella?" Emmett asked, looking me over. "What… Are you okay?"

I shook my head no. "I need to talk to Rosalie."

"She's still asleep, but you can wake her up…" He ushered me inside, watching me like I might just collapse on the floor. "Did something happen?" He asked, following behind me.

"Bella?" Rosalie rubbed her eyes and sat up to look at me. It was like, once her eyes focused and she saw me, she instantly understood what had happened. "You told him."

I nodded and looked down at the floor. "He doesn't love me."

**A/N: And… here is the heart fail. *cries* A lot of you have asked if there will be any EPOVs in this story. I'm going to say there *might* be. I can't say for sure, but I can kind of see it. It will be later on in the story though. Thanks as always!!  
**


	8. Rock and Roll Queen

"**You are so cold. It's all so rock & roll" Rock & Roll Queen, The Subways**

"Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned."- No fucking joke. Furry didn't even begin to describe how mad I was. I had been sad… okay, devastated when I left Edward in that room. I thought that I would be inconsolable, and that my life would just end. That had lasted a few hours. I had finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up I felt different. I was mad, which was weird because I normally didn't get mad about things. I would get irritated or annoyed, but after a few hours I would get over it. I had been mad for two weeks, and it didn't look like I would be getting over anything, anytime soon.

I should have gone home, that would have been the smart thing to do. But, I wanted to make Edward uncomfortable. I wanted him to see me, and know that he had hurt me more than anyone else ever had. Basically, I wanted to make him miserable. So, while Rosalie threatened to kill Emmett if he said anything to Edward, I marched my happy ass down to the bank and cashed the check that Edward had written me. Irony didn't even describe the circumstance, and I might have laughed just a little too hard when I deposited a large portion of that money in my account. But, I found it hilarious that Edward had paid me for a love letter. He had said that it was worth ten thousand dollars, and who was I to argue with him. I got my own room at the hotel, and set out on a determined path to make Edward's life as miserable as possible. It might have been cruel and immature, but I didn't care.

For two weeks Alice and Jasper watched the two of us like it was some sort of tennis match. Their eyes would go back and forth between Edward and I. Edward would glare at me while I sat talking… or flirting with people, and I would smile vindictively when I noticed him watching me.

Jasper had tried to find out what we were fighting about, but I told him I didn't want them to get in the middle of it, which was true. Just because Edward and I had made a huge fucking mess of things didn't mean that anyone else had to get involved. Emmett thought that both of us were being childish, but I didn't really care. Edward had made his bed and now he could lie in it. Which I am sure he was… with Katie… frequently.

The two of them weren't exactly playing nice either. More than once I had caught the two of them together backstage, and as much as I wish I could say that it didn't bother me, it did. The thought of the two of them together, absolutely made my skin crawl. I would try to act like nothing phased me, but I knew that a couple of times Edward had seen the look of hurt on my face. He would only stand there watching me, as if daring me to say something. It only made me more furious, and spurred my desire to be as big of a bitch as I possibly could.

Last night had been the last show, and tonight there was going to be one hell of a party to celebrate its success. I was going to attend, but I didn't plan on celebrating anything, other than Edward's misery. I was going to make him jealous and maybe even a little irate if I could manage it. I had an entire plan worked out in my head, but not everyone agreed with it, specifically Rosalie.

"Bella, I am all for teaching someone a lesson when they screw you over, but I think you might be taking this a little too far," she said for the millionth time.

I ignored her, for the millionth time, and handed her the hairbrush. "Rosalie I am only doing to him what he did to me, an eye for an eye."

"Edward didn't sleep with someone else knowing that you loved him."

"The key word in that sentence is love. Edward doesn't love me; he has made that quite clear. So if I end up hooking up with some guy, why would it even matter? He's fucking Katie!" I said angrily. "He is the one that started it!"

"And you're going to finish it," Rosalie said quietly. I nodded and she sighed, but didn't say anything else until she was finished styling my hair. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe Edward does love you? That maybe he's just unsure how to tell you? You didn't exactly give him a chance to say anything back…"

I shook my head and stood up, cutting her off. "If he loved me, fucking around with Katie is the last thing he would be doing."

"Do you even know that he is still messing…" I turned and glared at her. The look on my face must have told her not to continue with that question. "Okay," she said carefully, and followed me out of the bathroom. "So then what's the plan?"

"The plan is for you to keep Alice, Jasper and Emmett away from me tonight," I explained. She nodded and helped me slip my dress over my head. "I can't do anything if the three of them are going to be following me around all night."

"They just care about you Bella," Rosalie said defensively.

"I know that, and on any other day I would appreciate it. Tonight I just need them to leave me alone."

"Did you decide who you're going to try and pull this off with?" Rosalie asked. I shook my head as she zipped my dress up. "So just… any random guy? Seriously Bella, this plan of yours just gets worse!"

"I'm not asking you to understand why I'm doing this! And if you don't want to help, you don't have to! But, please stop trying to talk me out of it!" I snapped at her.

Rosalie looked at me for a second before turning around and walking out of the door. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to push away the guilt that was making my stomach uneasy. I walked to the minibar and yanked the door open. I looked at the labels on the little bottles and decided on vodka. I downed it quickly and tossed the bottle behind me. After another quick look in the mirror I grabbed my coat off of the bed and made my way downstairs.

** *** **

I was drunk. Not just a little drunk, but a whole lot of drunk. My speech was slurred and I could hardly walk in the death traps attached to my feet, but thankfully I hadn't fallen down yet. That had really been the only upside to the whole evening so far.

Without Rosalie's help, Emmett and Jasper were all over my ass. Apparently she had told both of them what I was planning, and neither one of them thought it was a good idea. It infuriated me because no one ever gave a shit if a guy whored themselves around. I wanted to have a shameless one night stance once, and they were treating it like I was selling myself on the street corner.

Feigning the need to go to the bathroom, I had skillfully ditched all of them. And now, I was leaned up against a wall and letting some guy run his hands and tongue all over my body. He was sloppy, and smelled like cheap beer, but I was pretty sure he would get the job done.

He was in the middle of pulling my head back to kiss my neck, and running a hand up under my dress when a fist came out of no where and knocked him away from me. I blinked in confusion until Edward grabbed my arm and started pulling me behind him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I yelled over the music, trying to pull my arm away.

His grip only tightened around my arm. I argued and fought with him the entire time he pulled me down the hall and yelled when he practically shoved me into the elevator.

"What are you doing?!" I shouted again, ignoring the few hotel employees that were watching us.

He ignored me until the doors closed, then turned and glared at me. "I'm stopping you from making a huge mistake."

"Well gee Edward, that's a sweet gesture! Too bad you weren't feeling like a boy scout before now. You could have stopped me from making the huge fucking mistake of sleeping with you!" His jaw clinched, but he showed no other reaction. I shook my head and laughed bitterly. "Why do you even care Edward?"

"You're my best friend," he answered calmly and then looked at me.

I stared at him for a second before doubling over in laughter. "And what? The care and concern that you had for your best friend didn't apply when you were fucking someone else?" I kept laughing and shaking my head. "Or is it only when I'm about to screw someone else that you care. Is it a territorial thing?"

His nostrils flared and he grabbed my arm to hold me up straight. "I'm so glad that our friendship means so much to you, Bella."

"Me?!" I screeched. He looked back at the doors in front of us when the elevator chimed, signaling we had reached our floor. I reached out and slapped Edward across the face before leaving the elevator.

He followed out behind me, grabbing onto my arm and pulling me behind him down the hallway. Edward pushed the door to his room open and shoved me inside of it, despite my loud and persistent objections.

"I don't want to be in here with you!" I screamed and pushed him backwards.

"I'm not going to let you go run around New York City like this!" He yelled back at me. "Jesus Christ, Bella! You're out of your fucking mind if you think any of us would let you go through with this!" I stared at him and he nodded his head. "Yes, Bella! Jasper told me about the little stunt you were trying to pull tonight!"

I shook my head and paced in a circle around the living room. I didn't want to be in here with him. It was too familiar and made me uncomfortable. I could remember being cuddled on the couch with him, or tangled between the sheets in the bedroom and I hated it. It made my angry resolve dissipate into tormented heartbreak, leaving me feeling weak and useless.

"This is your entire fault, Edward," I said angrily.

"Bella, I said I was sorry!"

"Leaving me at that party… I could forgive that. Hell, I could probably even move past you sleeping with someone else! But you've…you made me feel like… it's like you've turned into this person that I don't even know anymore! It's like the whole Jane situation all over again!"

Edward stopped pacing in front of me and slowly lifted his head to look at me. "You don't know what you're talking about," he said coldly.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice Edward? You don't sleep or eat… your moods change faster than I can keep up with! I'm not fucking stupid!" I yelled defensively.

"Bella…"

"No Edward! Don't lie to me!" I yelled and walked past him, back into the bedroom.

I heard Edward behind me, but that didn't stop me from going to the closet and pulling his suitcases out. He glared at me from the doorway as I threw them onto the bed. I hurriedly unzipped them and started digging through his things. When I didn't find anything in the first one I pushed it off the bed and went onto the next one. When that one was done I went to the drawers.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked. When I ignored him, he grabbed my hands to stop me from throwing his clothes on the floor. "Bella stop!"

"I want to know where you're hiding it," I growled and pulled my hands away from him. I crawled over the bed and walked back out the door.

"Hiding what?" He yelled, following behind me.

"Edward I'm not a fucking idiot! I know you're using again!" I spat at him. I pulled his guitar case on to the couch and flipped it open. I was digging through the pockets when he pulled me away from it.

He held onto my wrists so tightly that it felt like my bones were in a vice. Edward's face was a few inches from mine and he spoke slowly. "I am not using again."

I was momentarily distracted by how mean he sounded but shook my head when he let me go. "How else can you explain all of this Edward? This isn't you!"

"Maybe you just don't know who I really am," he said. His voice was distorted and cruel.

If I thought that I was hurt before, it was nothing compared to now. The way he was looking at me, talking to me… It made my heart break all over again. "How can you even say that to me?" I asked quietly. "I'm your best friend, Edward."

"Really?" He laughed bitterly.

"Don't you dare try to do this! I have lo…" I took a deep breath and shook my head. "I have loved you unconditionally Edward! I picked your ass up off that cheap ass motel floor and made you keep going! Did Jane do that?!" I yelled. "Would Katie fucking do that?!"

"If you claim to love me so much, then why can't you fucking believe me when I tell you I'm not using again?" Edward asked slowly. "Why can't you believe that I would be better than that?"

I stood there and stared at him. In front of me was the same broken Edward that I had found so many years ago on a motel floor. His eyes told a story of nothing but heartache and defeat, and it was my fault.

Edward wasn't perfect, and I knew that. He was wrong in telling James, wrong in sleeping with someone else, and even wrong for leaving me at that party. But he hadn't ever lied to me. He could have lied about Katie, lied about what had happened that night. But he didn't. He had been honest with me from the beginning about what he wanted out of our relationship. I was the one that had confused everything, tried to make into something it wasn't. I was the one who had ruined this.

Had I become so blinded by the fact that he had hurt me, that I was willing to accuse him of something that personal? That horrible?

"Edward…" I said quietly.

He shook his head and stared down at the floor. "I think you should leave."

"Please," I whispered and took a step towards him. "I didn't…"

"Leave, Bella," Edward said coldly. I watched as he turned around and walked back into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

I stood there staring at the door, hoping that he would come back. But I knew he wouldn't. I fell onto the couch beside his guitar case and shook my head. I slowly let my fingers run over the strings, but stopped when I saw something peaking out from under the instrument.

As quietly as I could, I picked up the guitar and pulled the piece of paper out from underneath it. I unfolded the paper and cried when I saw that it was the letter I had written to him. Tucked between the pages was a picture of the two of us that someone had taken during our summer tour. The edges were bent, and the picture was faded, but that didn't tarnish the memory of how great that day had been. My fingers traced over Edward's smile as tears slid down my face.

The reality was that I had ruined our friendship, and I wasn't sure that I could ever get it back. I quietly put the letter and picture back under Edward's guitar and after another glance at the closed bedroom door, I left.

I left New York behind, left my friends behind, and left Edward behind. I went back to my room and packed all of my things, and after leaving a letter for Jasper I went to the airport. I took the first flight I could, and made the slow and miserable trip back to Seattle.

** *** **

"Bella, please come to lunch with us," Alice begged over the phone. "We haven't seen you since…" She trailed off awkwardly.

"New York," I finished for her.

She sighed and I could basically hear her mind whirling with unasked questions. I hadn't talked to Edward since that night, and even though our friends kept asking what had happened, I didn't tell them. I figured if Edward wanted to, then he could, but I wasn't going to. Some things are just better left unsaid.

"We're leaving for Hawaii tonight and we want to see you before we leave. I have to give you your Christmas gift!" Alice said excitedly. "Come to lunch!"

I finally gave in and agreed, but only because I knew she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Lunch wasn't as awkward as it could have been, but I definitely wouldn't say it had been pleasant. Things had been semi-normal until Alice slid a thick envelope in front of me. When I opened it I realized that it was a contract from the record label. I numbly listened as she explained it to me, and signed where she told me to.

Jasper kept asking me what had happened, and every time that I refused to tell him it made him angrier. Poor Alice had rambled on nervously, trying to make polite conversation between all of us. Eventually Jasper gave up, and I sat there, listening to their plans for the vacation. We were in the parking lot of the restaurant when he stopped me.

"If you need something… anything… you know you can call me," he said solemnly. "Vacation or not, you're like family to me, Bella. If you need something, call me."

I nodded and leaned against him when he hugged me. Alice hugged me goodbye and I waved as they drove out of the parking lot.

Figuring I should just get it all over with, I stopped by Rosalie's house. Naturally, Emmett was there also, and I awkwardly gave him my Christmas gifts for his parents and Edward.

"He's flying in tonight," Emmett said cautiously. "He's been in Nashville, working with Felix Ridgeway on some tracks for the new album."

"Emmett," Rosalie warned, but I shook my head.

"It's fine," I said quietly. "Will you tell him I said Merry Christmas?"

Emmett agreed, but only after a brief argument about me calling Edward and telling him myself. The argument ended with Rosalie slapping Emmett on the back of the head.

"Bella, please come to the party tomorrow night," Rosalie begged.

I shook my head and sighed. They had been asking me for weeks to come to their Christmas party, and I kept turning them down. I didn't want to ruin their fun with all of the drama between Edward and me. It wasn't our friends' faults that we were idiots.

"Edward probably won't even show up. He said he didn't want come," she added. "You were by yourself for Thanksgiving; don't be alone at Christmas too!"

"Rosalie I don't… I don't have anyone to go with."

"You can hang out with us!" Emmett said excitedly. "Come on, Bella, it's been months since we've all partied!"

"I'll think about it," I conceded. "But only if I can find someone to go with me. You two shouldn't have to baby sit me."

"Great! We will see you tomorrow at seven then!" Emmett yelled and clapped his hands. "Who wants eggnog?"

That night I flipped through my address book trying to find someone to go with me to their party. So far, the only candidate was Mike. I knew from his facebook that Lauren, his girlfriend, had gone back to Oregon for Christmas, and he was staying here to work. I hadn't seen Mike in months, and didn't know if it would be rude to call him out of the blue and invite him to a party, especially since he had a girlfriend.

Deciding to just let him decide for himself, I called him.

"Yellow?" Mike answered cheerfully and I couldn't help but smile.

"Hey Mike, its… its Bella."

"Bella!" He said excitedly. "How the hell have you been? I saw you on the cover of some magazine the other day with Cullen!"

My heart dropped the second he mentioned that damn magazine. It was more a picture of him then me, but I was sitting beside him smiling like an idiot. My mom had sent me a copy of it, and asked me to get Edward to autograph it. I threw it away.

I sighed and decided to ignore the fact that he had even brought it up. "I'm good. Um… actually I kind of have a favor to ask you."

"Shoot."

"I have a Christmas party that I'm invited to, and I didn't think I would be going until tonight… and… well I was wondering if you would want to go with me. I know it's so last minute… you don't have to," I rambled.

"No problem," he said casually. "What time do I need to come get you?"

"You're sure?" I asked. I had kind of been hoping he would say no. Then I would at least have a better excuse for not going. "Lauren won't mind?"

"Nah, she was actually asking about you the other day, something about all of us needing to go to dinner."

"Oh…" I said quietly. "Yeah… Dinner would be great sometime."

"Well hey, my other line is ringing. Text me when you want me to pick you up, and I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?"

I agreed, and we hung up. I dropped my phone on the bed and shook my head. Now I had to fucking go.

**A/N: WOW… just wow. The hatred yall have for Selfishward is… STRONG. I should probably be upset, but I'm not. I hate him too. So… here we go again with the drama and heartfail. Thanks so much to everyone, especially Maggie. If you get bored, come find The Groupie thread on Twilighted. It's a support group for Selfishward. People keep asking me how "big" my Bella is. I would say that if you google a picture of Adele, that is how I picture my Bella looking.**


	9. Coming to Terms

"**I'm coming to terms. I'm starting to learn, this ain't all its cracked up to be. Cause I'm using you, and you're using me. It's never as easy as we believed." Coming to Terms, Carolina Liar**

***** It has to get worse before it can get better *****

For the millionth time since I had gotten back to Seattle, my fingers typed out a text message to Edward. It always said the same thing, "I hate you for hurting me, but I miss you. I can try to forgive you, but I can't forget what happened." Those two sentences said everything I needed him to know, but I couldn't send it. So once again I deleted the message, threw my phone back onto my bed, and continued getting ready for Rosalie and Emmett's Christmas party.

Even when Edward and Jane had been together, there was still communication between the two of us. It might have only been an occasional email or text message, but now… we had nothing. There were a million unspoken words between us, some good and some really bad, and they were so heavy that it almost felt tangible. The bottom line was that one of us would have to give in first. One of us would have to be the adult in this situation and open up the lines of communication, and it looked like it was going to have to be me.

When I left New York, I was riddled with blame and guilt. I felt like all of it had been my fault and I had blamed him for something that he hated me for. I actually thought that I could make him love me like I loved him. I acted like a selfish brat and made everyone around us miserable. I had made a lot of mistakes, but, so had he. He definitely shouldn't have slept with Katie. And he shouldn't have told James about our relationship, especially knowing that I hated him. All of our mistakes were now laid out and so easy to pin point and see. It was also easy to see that both of us were to blame. Edward had broken my heart, but I had set myself up for it. He was selfish and I was stupid, and it made for a bad combination.

So, could we move past this? Could we ever be best friends again? Would he ever forgive me for accusing him of something that I had always promised I wouldn't? Would I ever be able to forgive him for breaking my heart? There were a thousand questions that I didn't have any answers to. The only thing I knew was that I missed my best friend. I missed the way we used to be, when things were easy and uncomplicated. If we could get back to that Edward and Bella, then it might be worth it. If not, then both of us had just thrown away one of the best things in our lives.

** *** **

"Hey, are you okay?" Mike asked me. He had to yell for me to hear him over the music and people talking.

"Yeah," I nodded and smiled my best fake smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

I wasn't, and he knew I wasn't. Hell, half of the people in this house knew I wasn't fine. Rosalie and Emmett kept giving me weird looks, like I might self implode soon. But, I think that had more to do with the fact that James was here along with the rest of their band. I didn't mind seeing Jake or Embry, but I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing James. It was a small consolation that Katie wasn't here.

The party was turning out to be more of a mini tour reunion than anything else. Aside from a handful of people, pretty much everyone one there had worked on the tour. The only people missing were Jasper, Alice… and Edward. It should have made me feel better that he wasn't there, but it didn't. These were his friends and family and he should have been here celebrating.

For the majority of the party I smiled and laughed when it was appropriate. I accepted drinks from Emmett and tried to catch up with Mike over the loud music. To anyone who didn't know better, it might have seemed like I was enjoying myself…but I wasn't. I guess in the back of my mind, I had been hoping Edward would have showed up. As much as it would have hurt to see him, it would have been a comfort to at least know that he was okay.

"Bella!" Someone called and I turned around to see Jake and Leah walking towards Mike and me. I smiled and hugged both of them when they reached us. "I was hoping you were gonna be here! I didn't get to tell you bye! You just ditched everyone in New York!"

My smile must have faltered a little because Leah punched Jake's arm. I shook my head at his apology and introduced the two of them to Mike.

"Guys, this is Mike Newton," I said in a fake cheerful voice. "Mike, this is Leah and Jake."

After the pleasantries were over, I stood aside and listened while Mike and Jake talked about some football team. The conversation went on for a while, giving me a break from pretending to be happy Bella. I looked around the room, smiling at Emmett talking animatedly. His arms were waving around as he told some wild story and, as always, he was basically holding the entire room's attention. Had I been closer, I might have been tuned into what he was saying and missed Rosalie walking through the back of the room. Her face looked worried and stressed, and it seemed like she was chasing after someone.

I stepped around Mike and looked across the bar to see Rosalie talking quietly with Edward. I walked closer, looking around people, to get a better look at him. The closer I got the more I noticed how horrible he looked. His face looked entirely too thin, and even from here I could tell that his eyes looked lifeless. His coat was hanging on him, making it look like it was several sizes too big. He looked sick. Rosalie pinched the bridge of her nose while he angrily explained something. Edward turned to walk away, but she grabbed his hand. He gave her a look that plainly said "leave me the fuck alone" and ran up the stairs with a bag and guitar case in his hands. Rosalie watched him with a grim look on her face.

She shook her head in frustration and then saw me looking at her. Rosalie slowly walked towards me and without saying anything, grabbed my hand and pulled me behind her. Once we reached her bedroom, she shut the door and turned to look at me.

"Bella…"

"What's wrong with him?" I asked without hesitation.

She sighed and shook her head, "Apparently he got into a fight with his parents. He knew you were going to be here, that's why he didn't come tonight, but… he didn't have anywhere else to go."

"What…" I shook my head trying to understand her. "He knew I was going to be here?"

"Emmett told him last night," Rosalie nodded. "He said he would just stay at his parent's, but apparently he got into it with Esme. He tried to find a hotel, but it's the day before Christmas Eve. He said he would just wait upstairs until the party was over."

I started pacing back and forth in front of her. It was quiet for a few moments.

"He doesn't want to see me," I muttered to myself. "He knew I was… I mean… I had thought he might be here tonight, but I came anyway…"

"Honey, the holidays are always bad for people," Rosalie reassured me. "Just… give him some time."

"Give him some time?" I yelled at her. "Rosalie I gave him eleven years! I put up with his bullshit for almost eleven years! And now when I screw… no when _we_ screw something up, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Can't even be in the same room as me? That's bullshit!"

"Can you blame him Bella? I know you didn't do it on purpose, but you showed up with Mike Newton. What is he supposed to think?"

I stopped pacing and stared at her. "I came with Mike Newton because I needed a friend! I needed a friend and I didn't want to put any of you guys in the middle!" I explained forcefully.

"Don't get mad at me," Rosalie held her hands up defensively. "I'm just saying that he doesn't know the whole story. Three months ago you tell him you love him, and now you're here with another guy."

I wanted to yell and remind her that three months ago he had fucked someone else. I wanted to get mad and throw a fit. Instead I sighed and dropped my head. Mistake after mistake, that's all Edward and I were capable of. He was still being a fucking selfish moron and I was still making the wrong choices! This would continue until we ended up killing each other or until one of us grew the fuck up and made the first move to try and fix this. I rubbed my forehead and shook my head.

"I HATE THIS!" I screamed.

"I know," Rosalie said simply.

I took a deep breath and looked at her for a second before turning around and walking back outside. Rosalie followed behind me trying to grab my hand.

"Bella what are you doing?!" She asked worriedly.

I stopped and turned around. "I'm going up there and I'm going to fix this!"

Mike sided up to us and asked me if I was okay. I nodded quickly, told him I needed a few seconds and ran up the stairs. There were only two rooms up here, and it didn't take very long for me to find out which one he was in.

The door to Rosalie's office was mostly shut, except for a small opening big enough to let the sound of a guitar being played filter through. I stopped for a second near the top of the stairs and leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath and trying to figure out what the hell I was going to say.

I could lie to him and tell him that I had forgiven everything that happened, but lying in the past hadn't exactly worked out. So that left me with the truth. The truth was that I missed him, and that I couldn't forget what had happened. I didn't know if I ever could. The truth was that I felt horrible about accusing him of something that hurt him. I felt horrible about not telling him the truth about my feelings from the beginning. The truth sounded scary, but it was all we had left to offer each other.

I slowly walked towards the door and stopped when I heard two voices talking. They were both male, one of them Edward and the other unfamiliar. They laughed as the guitar playing continued, then it stopped and I could hear what they were saying.

"He said it was the best he'd had since he was in Amsterdam," the unfamiliar voice said quietly.

I looked through the small crack in the door. Their backs were to me, but it didn't take long for me to figure out what they were doing. The smell was already wafting through the door and making me sick to my stomach. I could hear the two of them passing the joint, inhaling and exhaling. My hand started shaking on the door knob, and I became so irate that I just lost control. Without stopping to think, I pushed the door open so hard that it banged against the wall. Both of them jumped up from the couch in surprise.

"You," I growled and pointed at the guy I didn't know. "Leave now!"

He nervously looked between Edward and me and then laughed lightly. "Is she serious?"

I broke my glare with Edward and turned to him, "Do I look like I'm fucking kidding? Get out!"

"Go," Edward said quietly and nodded towards the door. I moved aside so that he could leave, and then shut the door behind me when he did.

Edward watched me for a second before dropping back down onto the couch. He shook his head before looking back up at me. "I should have known you…"

"Save it Edward," I said coldly. I stepped over his legs and grabbed his bag up off the floor. He sat there and watched me as I pulled out his clothes. When I found a baggie with a punch of different pills, and another one with a white powder in it, I looked up at him and shook my head. "You selfish son of a bitch!" I yelled and threw his bag back at him. "You have the audacity to sit there in New York and tell me I'm wrong! You made me feel bad about myself… and look! I was fucking right!"

He clapped sarcastically. "Congratulations Bella, you figured it out."

"God Edward!" I yelled in frustration. "You are willing to throw away everything! For this?" I held my hands up; motioning to the drugs I was holding.

He shrugged and looked at me saying, "It's my life." He picked his guitar back up and started playing again.

"No! See that's where you're wrong! Because if you go down this path again, it isn't just your life that you're fucking up! What about Alice and Jasper? What about Emmett? Fuck, think about your parent's Edward!" I yelled at him.

I thought that I saw a brief flash of emotion in his eyes, but it was gone as quick as it came.

"Please don't do this to yourself again," I begged quietly. "You are so much better than this!"

"Why do you even care Bella? We aren't friends anymore."

I glared at him and shook my head. I knew he was trying to make me mad, make me feel bad. And I will be damned if I would let him.

"Will you stop being a selfish jackass and realize what you're doing?! God damnit, Edward!" I screamed in frustration. "You are talented! You've fucking made it! Do you know how many people would kill for that opportunity? Grow the fuck up and see what's right in front of you!"

His fingers stopped playing and he looked up at me, "You mean yourself? Or figuratively?"

That did it.

"Fuck you," I said snidely. Without looking at him I turned and walked back towards the bathroom. When I heard Edward getting up off the couch I ran, and reached the bathroom in time to shut the door behind me.

It felt like my heart was about to jump out of my chest while Edward tried to push the door open. As he yelled at me and struggled to get into the bathroom, I emptied the baggies into the toilet. I flushed it quickly and flew against the wall as the door banged open and he pushed me aside.

"It's gone Edward," I walked around him.

"You are such a fucking bitch Bella! You know that?" He yelled at me.

I calmly walked to the desk and found the phone, I picked it up and started dialing.

"Who are you calling?" He asked and then started laughing. "Are you going to turn me into the cops?"

I shook my head, "I'm calling your mother."

Before I could even get the phone up to my ear, Edward had slapped it out of my hand and pushed me back against the wall. His fingers were wrapped around my shoulders as he leaned down over me. "Leave my parents out of this," he said in a low and intimidating voice.

Not once since I had known Edward had I ever been scared of him…until now. I tried to pull out of his grip, but he just squeezed me harder. "Are you happy Bella? Are you happy that you've ruined everything?" He asked cruelly and pushed away from me.

I knew he didn't mean half of what he was saying, but that didn't stop it from hurting. I shook my head as he kept throwing insults at me while the two of us paced around the room. I tried to reason with him, to make him understand that he didn't have to go back down this path, but it didn't do any good.

"Fine, Edward," I shrugged and looked at him. "I give up. Go ruin your life! But you know what? When you're snorting that shit up your nose, I hope you think about your family and friends! I hope you remember how much we fucking love you!"

"How much you fucking love me?" He laughed bitterly and picked his guitar back up. "You loved me enough to fucking walk away. That's about it."

"Don't even go there Edward! You have no idea how much I love you or how much this has hurt me!" I yelled at him. I was about to say something else but stopped when his guitar went flying across the room. The sound of it hitting the wall and splintering into a thousand pieces echoed around us.

Edward grabbed onto my arms and shook me, "I have no fucking idea? Do you really believe that Bella?!" He yelled and I tried to pull away from him.

"Edward, please stop!" I begged when his grip tightened and he started shaking me again.

"You are the one who doesn't have a fucking clue!" He yelled again, his face a few inches from mine.

I was trying not to cry, but the way his fingers were digging into my arms, my arms were going numb. I tried again to pull away from him, this time succeeding. I fell back against the couch and cried as feeling rushed back into my arms. Edward stood there glaring at me until the door burst open and Emmett and Mike stood in the doorway.

"What did you do?" Emmett asked. His eyes flew from me crying on the couch to Edward standing over me. "Edward what the fuck did you do?!"

I sat up and shook my head as Rosalie ran into the room. "Emmett he didn't…" I started, but stopped when Mike ran past me and tackled Edward to the ground. The small room was filled with mine and Rosalie's screams and the dull thudding sound of Mike's fist connecting with Edward's face.

"Mike stop!" I yelled and tried to pull him away. "Mike he didn't hurt me!"

Emmett finally joined in to help me, and we eventually got Mike off of him. I stood there, sick to my stomach, as blood poured out of Edward's nose and mouth. Edward started laughing manically and all of us stared at him.

I leaned down to try and help him up but he pushed me away. He shook his head while still laughing and pushed himself up off the floor. Edward looked at me, his face void of all emotion before smiling cruelly, "I don't need you anymore Bella."

I didn't really care that his nose and jaw were probably broken. I reared my hand back and slapped him as hard as I could. He grunted in pain, leaving his head tilted to the side.

"I…" my entire body shook as I looked at him. "I wanted an epic love story with you Edward. We deserved an epic love story!" He finally looked at me and it only made me angrier. "And instead I settled for this!"

Edward opened his mouth, like he was going to say something, but instead just looked at me. I decided enough was enough; I pushed my way past Emmett and Rosalie and ignored Mike following behind me. I yelled for people to get out of my way as I walked down the stairs and through the crowd of people standing around the living room.

I saw James leaning against the wall and ignored his creepy stare and sinister laughter. I was walking past him, on my way outside, when he grabbed my hand to stop me. Without even stopping to consider what I was doing, I pulled my arm back and punched the side of his face.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I said screamed when he looked back at me in shock.

I yanked the front door open and it wasn't until I was in the front seat of Mike's car that I let everything hit me. I closed my eyes and took a gasping breath before I started crying.

"Bella are you…" Mike asked quietly.

I shook my head and pushed against the dashboard in front of me, as if I was trying to brace myself. "Please just get me out of here," I stuttered while trying to breathe. Thankfully Mike didn't argue and was silent for the majority of the ride back to my house.

I couldn't believe that this is how it was going to end. Almost eleven years of friendship, and in the span of three months it was all over. There were no words left to speak, nothing that could fix what was broken. It was just… gone. We didn't exist anymore.

"Bella maybe we should go to the hospital… your hand…" Mike quietly suggested as we pulled in front of the house.

I shook my head, "I'm fine."

He sighed but didn't argue with me. I let him walk me back inside, but wished I hadn't. The second we got inside, Angela asked what was wrong; I wanted to tell her nothing but Mike told her everything. I shook my head my head when she asked if Edward had hit me and nodded when she asked if I was okay.

"I'm fine," I muttered again. I knew damn well neither one of them believed me.

"Bella you aren't fine. Your hand is bleeding," Angela pulled the sleeve of my sweater up and I looked down at my hand.

"No… that's from…" I swallowed thickly. "That's from Edward…"

I stepped around both of them and numbly walked to the sink. The tears started running down my cheeks again as I tried to wash the dried blood off of my hand. I scrubbed harder as my shoulders started shaking. Angela tried to help me but I screamed at her to leave me alone.

My sleeve kept falling down, getting in the way. So in frustration I pulled it off and let it drop in the floor. I didn't care that I was standing there in my bra. I didn't care that Mike and Angela were giving me worried glances. All I cared about was washing my hands off.

"Bella," Mike carefully held onto my arms and I tried to shrug him off. "Your hands are clean honey, nothing's on there."

I nodded but kept putting soap in my hands and rubbing them together. I concentrated on the sound of the water running and ignored the breaking feeling in my body. I didn't want to feel this… I didn't want to feel anything.

My cell phone started ringing, interrupting Mike pulling me away from the sink as I told him I needed to keep washing my hands. Why wouldn't they just let me wash my hands?

"Bella, its Rosalie," Angela said quietly. "Do you want to talk to her?"

I slowly shook my head, registering what she had just told me. "I… can't…"

She nodded and hit ignore.

"I don't want to feel like this…" I said quietly and looked up at Mike. "I can't… What do I…"

He nodded and wrapped his arms around my shoulders saying, "Bella you'll be okay."

The phone started ringing again, and I knew from Angela's face that it wasn't Rosalie calling again. "Bella… it's… Edward," she said slowly.

I shook my head and backed away from both of them. I couldn't do this; I couldn't keep going in this continuous circle with him. He would apologize; he would get help and maybe even go to rehab. Things might be better for a while… but we would always come back to this. I wouldn't be able to forget what had happened or what he had said to me. I couldn't go back to being the Bella that I was before because he wasn't the same Edward as before.

I walked past Mike and Angela, going back into my bedroom. As if on auto pilot, I started pulling things out of my drawers and closet and threw them on the bed.

"Bella what are you doing?" Angela asked from my doorway.

I pulled my suitcase and other bags out from under the bed and looked at her. "I'm leaving…"

**A/N: NO ONE FREAK OUT. Everything happens for a reason! Thanks to all of the lovely ladies that talked me off of a cliff after the last chapter, I love you. The next chapter will be up soon!!**


	10. New Year's Resolution

"**I've got a New Year's resolution. I think I know what I've gotta do. I've got a New Year's resolution getting over you. I've got some old friends I think I'm losing. I've got some new ones that I'm not talking to… So here's to the love, the love that we had. Here's to the time, the good and the bad. Here's to the ones you never forget. Here's to the year that we had. The break ups, the makeups, the birth and the death, the peaceful solution that we'll never have. The mistakes you make, the heart you break, a memory that never goes away. I've got a New Year's resolution, I think I know what I've gotta do." New Year's Resolution, Graham Colton**

I didn't stop to think about what I was about to do, or what the repercussions of this decision could bring. The only thing I could think about was getting the hell out of here. Angela cried as she helped me throw things into suitcases and duffle bags. As much as I wanted to promise her that I would be back… I couldn't. I didn't know if or when I would ever be back in Seattle. I didn't know when I would see my friends again.

Mike silently took a bag of my clothes out to my car. He had tried to tell me that I didn't have to leave, that it wasn't my fault that…Edward… was a jackass. I appreciated his friendship, but he didn't understand that I couldn't be here anymore. None of them did.

My phone had been ringing on and off for the past hour and I finally just turned it off. It would go from Rosalie, then to Emmett, then Edward. I couldn't talk to any of them right now. If I stopped and actually thought about what had happened, I would start crying again… and probably wouldn't be able to stop. So I focused on what I was doing. Pulling clothes off of hangers and emptying drawers, throwing everything into bags. I made hurried decisions about what to keep and what to throw away, figuring if I screwed up I could just buy new shit when I got... wherever it was that I was going.

Angela emptied a box of books from her closet and helped me shove picture frames, movies and a few books inside of the empty box. When she pulled open a drawer at my desk and started pulling out CD cases, I yelled for her to stop. She backed away from the drawer and watched me as I walked over to it, carefully running my hands over the top of the cases.

"These…" I said quietly. "I can't take these with me."

She nodded and left me there to stare at the drawer full of the thin, clear plastic cases. I picked one of them up, slowly letting my finger trace the handwriting that covered the CD. I closed my eyes and quickly slammed the drawer shut as the same breaking feeling filled my chest. _No Bella! No!_ I yelled at myself and took a deep breath. I couldn't break down, not yet.

"Mike?" I yelled when the front door shut.

"Yeah?" He walked into the bedroom and looked around. Almost everything was packed. "You're almost out of room. The entire back is full."

I nodded and handed him another empty box. "Can you put all of the CDs from that second drawer in this box? It needs to go in the front seat."

He agreed and started on the task I had given him. When I heard the plastic cases hitting each other I had to leave the room. I grabbed my purse off of the couch and sat down at the kitchen table. I wrote Angela a check for the next three months rent, as well as one for cash to cover my half of the utilities. I figured that she could sell the furniture I was leaving behind, and combined with the money I was leaving her, she would be okay until she found another roommate.

I pulled a piece of paper off of the tablet we kept by the phone and slowly started writing a letter to Jasper. I didn't want to go into detail about what had happened, but I wasn't sure when I would get to see him again. He had been such a good friend to me and deserved to know the truth. I told him about the decision I had made, agreeing to be friends with benefits. I told him about the VMA's and Katie. I told him about the fight Edward and I had had in New York and finished with what had happened tonight. I knew he would be worried about me, they probably all would, but I needed to do this by myself. I begged for him not to hate me or Edward, and to respect my choice to stay away. I promised that I would call him when I could, once I had figured out what I was going to do. I signed my name and reread the letter twice. With a shaking hand, I wrote a small note at the bottom for Alice. I begged her to make Edward get help and asked her to help comfort Esme when she found out. The last favor I asked of my friend was to take the box of CDs that had been mine and give them back to Edward. They were the CDs that he had made for me through all of these years, and I couldn't keep them anymore. I let one tear slid down my cheek, before I wiped it away and sealed the letter in an envelope.

I hugged Angela and Mike, thanking them for everything and promising both of them that I would call when I figured out what I was doing. I took the small paper bag of food that Angela had made for me, and got into my car. I drove in complete silence to Alice and Jasper's house and carried the box of CDs to the front door. I slipped the key they had given me into the lock, and slowly pushed the door open. Numbly, I walked into their living room and sat the box down on the couch. I'm not sure how long I stood there looking at it, thinking about the millions of memories that those CDs held. But I took a deep breath, sat the letter on top of the box, and made myself walk away. I stopped though, when I passed by a bookshelf that was filled with picture frames. There were pictures of Jasper and I from high school, even one of us as little kids. I smiled and looked at the one behind it, of all of us at Alice and Jasper's wedding. We looked so young… so carefree. Who could have guessed four years later, that everything would have caved in around me? A feeling of disappointment and sadness filled my stomach and I knew I had to get out of there. Otherwise, Jasper and Alice would come back from their vacation and find me in a pile of the floor. I took another look around their living room before going back to my car.

I was fine as I drove to the gas station; I filled my car up, got cash from the ATM, and two cups of coffee… all without breaking down. I was fine as I set my GPS with my parent's address back in Texas. I was fine driving all the way through Seattle. It wasn't until three hours later, when I saw a sign that told me I was leaving the state of Washington, that it hit me. At three twenty-seven in the morning, in the middle of nowhere, I slammed on my breaks and skidded to the side of the road. I stared at the sign that told me I was leaving behind the life I had known for the past eleven years. Tears slid down my cheeks, falling into the crease of my nose and onto my lips. Everything was silent except for the sound of the car's engine and the windshield wipers sliding across the glass.

My eyes slipped shut as thousands of images filled my mind. All of them were memories of the life that I had had here, the good and the bad. I saw Jasper and Alice getting married, Edward singing on the pier, and Emmett and I playing Monopoly until four in the morning. I could smell the paint as I remembered all of us helping Rosalie paint her house. I could smell Esme's cinnamon rolls and hear Jasper's contagious laughter. I could feel Edward's hands on mine while he tried to teach me to play the guitar and piano. I saw all of the sunsets and sunrises that we had seen while driving around the country. I could remember all of it like it had been yesterday.

My hands tightened around the steering wheel as my mind shifted, remembering things that hurt me. My head fell forward as the feelings of Edward's lips on mine returned to me. I remembered how soft his kisses had been when his lips danced across my skin. I could feel his breath on the side of my neck and his fingers laced between mine. Then I saw the look on his face when he told me about Katie. I could hear his voice yelling at me, telling me that all of this was my fault. I saw the look of devastation, hurt and defeat in his eyes. Then I saw his face, looking at me and telling me the six words that hurt me more than anything else. _"I don't need you anymore Bella."_

A screaming sound filled my car, and it took me a second to realize that it was coming from me. I pulled at the steering wheel in frustration, as another scream ripped through my throat. I screamed in frustration and pain. I screamed because I was mad and disappointed. I screamed at nothing and everything, letting the pain in my lungs and throat take over my body.

My eyes slowly opened as I caught my breath. I looked at the sign for another second and then put my car back in drive. I stared straight ahead as I passed by it, and tried not to think about what I was leaving behind.

** *** **

New Years Eve, it's supposed to be a time for new beginnings. A time for resolutions and to reflect on the year that has passed. That all sounds great, except for the fact that I didn't give a shit about new beginnings or resolutions. I sure as hell didn't want to reflect on the past year. I just want to sit in my little hotel room and be unhappy.

Instead, I was getting phone calls from my parents. They kept asking me when I was going to be there, when I was going to call Jasper back and what the hell had happened to make me leave Washington in the first place. The truth was that I didn't fucking know. I didn't know when I would be back in Texas and I didn't know when I would call Jasper. As for what had happened, I just didn't want to talk about it, especially with my parents.

It had been eight days since I left Seattle. Eight days of slowly making my way back to Texas, ignoring phone calls, and trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. I hadn't listened to any of the voice mails that anyone had left me, instead deleting them all. The only text messages I had actually read were from Angela or Jasper, and even then I only responded to a few of them. I just wanted to be left alone, to be allowed to wallow in my self-pity and stupidity.

I paced back and forth the hotel room, turning my phone over in my hands while I debated on if I should call Jasper. I knew he wouldn't be happy with what I had done, especially leaving in the middle of the night and not telling anyone where I was going. But I wasn't going to call and interrupt their vacation and be like, "Hey Jasper, what do you think I should do?" It just didn't work that way. So for the past couple of days I purposefully ignored his phone calls. Then I remembered that he had my parent's phone number, and knew that my mom would tell him anything he wanted to know. When I got his text message this morning asking me why I was in Oklahoma and avoiding his phone calls, I knew I didn't have much choice but to call him back. After a deep breath, I hit his number on speed dial and waited for him to answer. It didn't take long.

"Bella?!" His voice yelled into the phone.

"Yeah," I muttered and closed my eyes. I shook my head when I heard Alice screaming in the background.

"Where the hell are you? Have you lost your mind?! Leaving in the middle of the night and not telling anyone where you were!" Jasper said harshly. "Bella your parents didn't even know where you were until yesterday!"

"I called them Christmas day and told them I was coming back!" I explained defensively. "Besides, I am a grown woman Jasper! I don't need someone to babysit me!"

He sighed and the line was silent for a few minutes. "I just… Bella I was so worried about you. We were all worried."

"I know," I said quietly.

"I mean, we come back home to find a box of CDs and a letter telling me that…" Jasper sighed again. "Bella, why didn't you just tell me? Or Alice?"

"Jasper if I would have come to you and said 'I agreed to have a friend with benefits relationship with Edward', you would have lost it. You would have yelled at me, and probably killed Edward. I did what I thought was best… at the time," I explained. My chest started aching when I said his name, but I pushed the feelings away.

"I would have told you I thought it was a bad idea, but now that I know this… God it explains so much," he laughed dryly.

Both of us were quiet for several minutes. I listened to the buzzing silence and picked at a thread in the bedspread. The one question I wanted to ask him was the one that I couldn't. I wanted to ask if Edward was okay, if Esme was okay.

"How's…" I mumbled and then stopped myself.

"He's leaving… tomorrow," Jasper said quietly. My heart started pounding and I wanted to throw the phone away from me, but I forced myself to keep listening. "They got him in some place in Utah. It's private… very secluded."

"Is he… okay?" I asked slowly.

"Not really. But at least he agrees that he needs help. He um… he asked me to tell you something, if I… talked to you," Jasper paused and took a deep breath. "He said he's sorry, for… everything."

"I…" my voice faltered, I didn't know what to say. I accepted his apology, but it was too little too late. It didn't change anything, other than the fact that he at least recognized what he had done. I roughly wiped the tears away from my cheeks and shook my head.

"Bella?" Jasper softly asked. "Please tell me where you are. I can fly down… we can… we can figure this out."

"No," I shook my head again. "Jasper I just need to be alone… I need to..."

"What?"

"I need to figure out who the hell I am without him," I admitted quietly. "For ten years I've lived through him and for him. Everything I did, every choice or decision I made was for him, not me. I don't even know who _I_ am Jasper. I've been Edward's Bella for so long that I don't…"

I shook my head as the realization of what my life had become settled in my mind. I had moved to Seattle to be with Jasper and escape the small Texas town that I had grown up in. I met Edward a couple of months later, and everything in my life started to center around him. I dropped out of classes, quit jobs, and lost friends… all to be with him.

Why had I put Edward on such a high pedestal? He was just a normal guy that could play instruments and sing songs. So why, for the past ten years, had I put so much stock into what he said or did? Why did his opinion mean more to me than my own parent's or my other friends? Why did I let someone become the center of my world, when I knew I wouldn't ever be the center of his?

"I'm such a fucking idiot," I yelled loudly, forgetting I was on the phone.

"You're not an idiot Bella. You were just..."

"An idiot," I finished for him.

"In love," Jasper corrected me. "You love him Bella. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. When you love someone, you love them with everything you have in you. You put their needs above your own. But… he didn't do that for you."

I sniffled quietly and stared at the floor. "Because Edward doesn't love me," I said quietly. I knew it was the truth, but it still hurt to say it, to admit it.

"Because he doesn't know how to love you," Jasper said quietly.

I stared at the floor and shook my head. "Jasper it isn't hard… you just… do it. I mean… is it hard for you to love Alice?"

"No," he admitted. "But, I'm not Edward."

I rolled my eyes and fell back against the bed. "Thank God." He laughed quietly and I reluctantly smiled.

"I'm definitely not defending what he did," Jasper said. "You're like a sister to me Bella. Whatever decision you make, I'll respect it. But I'm not going to just let you go. If you want to stay in Texas, then stay in Texas. But at least let me come see you."

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Just promise me you won't tell Edward where I am."

"Ever?" He asked quietly.

"Not unless he really needs to know. Not unless it's an emergency," I sighed. "But… can you… well I guess I should ask Alice."

"What? What do you need?"

"Will you please tell Esme and Carlisle… please tell them I'm okay. I'll email her when I can think straight, but I know they're worried and I can't…"

"I'll tell them," Jasper promised.

We both got quiet, and I knew we were stopping ourselves from asking what we really wanted to. I wanted more information about this rehab center that Edward was going to, and I could only guess what Jasper wanted to ask me.

"I think… I need to go to bed. I'm going to try and drive home tomorrow," I muttered.

"Okay. Just um… be careful. Call me or something when you get there?" He asked slowly.

"I will."

"Happy New Year, Bella," Jasper said. I looked at the clock and sighed when I saw that it read it was two minutes past midnight. "I love ya, kid."

"Happy New Year, J. I love you, too," I told him, and we both hung up.

I let the phone drop onto the bed next to my ear and stared at the ceiling, trying not to think about Edward. But as hard as I tried, it didn't do any good. I wondered if he was worried about tomorrow. I wondered if he was scared or nervous. I sighed before sitting up and turning the lamp off. I grabbed the pillow and pulled it closer to me.

So much had changed in the past year and for the most part, it had all been good. It wasn't until the past few months that everything had gone wrong. I sighed and shook my head. It sucked that a whole year was overshadowed by one big mistake and its results. It wasn't fair… for any of us.

I stared into the darkness of the quiet hotel room and thought about resolutions and new beginnings. They always say that whatever you're doing at midnight on New Year's Eve is how you will spend the rest of the next year. This year I was on the phone with one of my best friends, and with all things considered, if that's how I spent the rest of the year… then I would be okay with that. If my decision to make a new life for myself was considered a resolution, then I could handle that too. New beginnings…

My phone buzzing interrupted my inner dialogue. I sighed and picked it up, noticing that it was now past two in the morning. The screen showed me that I had a text message, and when I opened the box I saw that it was from Edward. I almost deleted it, but when it asked me if I was sure I wanted to delete it… I chose no. I sighed and opened the text message.

_I miss you…and I'm sorry._

I swallowed around the lump that had risen in my throat and deleted the message. It had been a mistake to even read it in the first place. I turned my phone off and dropped it on the mattress next to me.

Was it even true? Was he really sorry or was he just scared of facing things on his own? The last time he had gone through this, I was there… every step of the way. I told him to keep going, and to never give up. He still had his family and our other friends, but I wouldn't be there. We both had to face things without each other. He was going to have to learn to stand on his own, without someone constantly telling him to move forward. I was going to have to learn how to live for myself again.

"New beginnings, Bella…" I quietly told myself. I turned over onto my stomach and tried to remind myself that beginnings weren't always scary, and that everything in life happened for a reason.

**A/N: Well. I'm not sure how some of you will handle this. I think some of you wanted her to stay in Seattle, or to have Edward come running after her. But, like always… I promise I know what I'm doing. I will be posting an EPOV outtake soon, and because some of you guys have said that you don't want to know his POV until the end, I'm going to make a whole other story for it. Be sure I am on your author alerts! Thanks to… all of you! haha! Especially Mel, Di, Maggie… Ok I could keep on going but I won't. The only other thing I wanted to tell you guys was this. I have gotten a lot of comments about Bella losing a bunch of weight and then going back to Edward. I'm going to tell you right now, that's not going to happen. The point of this story is for Bella to find herself, to be comfortable with who she is. If this changes the story for you guys then I'm sorry, but I'm not really focusing on her weight.**


	11. Need

"**My hand searches for your hand in a dark room. I can't find you, help me. Are you looking for me? Tell me how it's supposed to be, where everything will go and how I'll be without you by my side," Need, Hana Pestle**

I could feel him beside me. I could smell him and taste him. I knew he was there.

"Bella," he whispered softly. The feather light feeling of his breath on my neck made goose bumps rise along my skin. My mouth opened as my breathing got heavier. "Please," his voice begged. "Bella please…"

"I can't…"I whispered back to him. My heart ached to say no. I wanted to tell him yes, to give him what he wanted, but I couldn't.

"Please don't leave me," he begged again. "Please… stay, Bella. Stay."

His voice was beyond sad… beyond devastating… it was haunting. I needed to tell him no. But I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to love him.

My hand slid across the sheet, looking for his.

"Bella…" he called. His voice sounded fainter… further away.

"Edward," I whispered, reaching for him. I just needed to touch him, to feel his fingers wrapped in mine.

The further I reached the more my heart ached. "Edward," I said louder. My hand grasped at nothing. My heart was pounding as I tried to listen for him calling me. "Edward!" I yelled even louder.

Why did he leave? Why did I push him away? I was panicked and trying to find him, to hear and see him.

"Edward!" I screamed.

I felt someone shaking me, but I knew it wasn't him. The hands holding onto my shoulders weren't right… they were too big and too rough.

"No! Please! Please come back!" I screamed.

"Bella!" Someone yelled at me. I shook my head and tried to pull away from whoever was holding onto me. "Bella wake up!"

My eyes flew open, and I gasped from the realization that I was dreaming. I focused on the figure holding onto me, their shape silhouetted by the moon shining in through the window behind them.

"Are you alright?" My father asked quietly.

I nodded and wiped the tears off of my cheeks. "Yeah…Dad I'm… okay."

He sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed his hands over his face. After sighing he turned back to look at me. "Bella, it's been three months. The nightmares…"

"They aren't nightmares," I muttered. I sat up and shook my head when he tried to argue with me. "Dad they aren't. They're just… bad dreams."

"Whatever you want to call them, they make you scream in your sleep. I come up here and find you thrashing around in bed, screaming for someone… Honey that isn't normal," my father said quietly. "Bella maybe you… maybe you need to talk about what happened."

I immediately shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it," I said stubbornly.

Since I had gotten back to my parent's house I had done everything I possibly could to avoid talking to them about Edward. When they asked how he was, I just told them that we weren't friends anymore. I begged them to let it go, and not to ask about it. After I promised them that I hadn't been seriously hurt, they agreed.

"If you don't want to talk to me or your mother, I can understand that. But Bella you can't continue like this."

"I'll be fine Dad, I promise." I picked at the quilt on my bed, thanking God that the lights weren't on. Anyone looking at me would be able to tell I was lying.

My dad nodded his head and slowly stood up. He walked to the door and stopped before turning around and looking back at me. "Whatever happened in Seattle…I'm glad you're home. I love you."

I smiled. "I love you too Dad."

He nodded again and shut the door behind him when he left. I stared at the back of the door for a few seconds before sliding back down into the bed. I pulled the blankets over me and pulled the extra pillow into my chest.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the memory of how Edward's voice sounded in my dream. I shouldn't feel guilty for leaving, it was what he wanted. He point blank told me that he didn't need me anymore. My chest ached and I pulled the pillow closer to me. "He doesn't need you Bella," I quietly reminded myself.

** *** **

Texas in late March is humid and muggy, making you miserable just on principle. If you added working in a run down restaurant that only had a small window unit for air conditioning it was nearly unbearable. I blew a piece of hair off of my face as I refilled the tea pitcher for my small three table section.

Working in my parent's friend's restaurant wasn't that bad, and I really shouldn't complain. They paid me decently, and depending on what shift I worked I made pretty good tips. Most of the people that came here didn't expect mindless chit chat, preferring to just eat and get back out into the oil fields instead. It suited me.

When I heard the bell jingle from the door being opened I groaned. I waited, hoping that Claire would just pick up the table for me. I only had twenty minutes left of my shift.

"Bella!" she yelled from the front of the restaurant.

I threw my head back and groaned, "Damn it!" Seth laughed quietly as I walked by him.

I grabbed my tea pitcher and walked back to the front of the restaurant. I pushed the swinging door open, stopping when I saw Jasper standing there smiling.

"Hey!" He yelled. A huge smile covered his face.

I set the pitcher down and ran at him. "Oh my God! Jasper!"

He laughed and hugged me when I reached him. It might have been a little… inappropriate for me to hug a married man like that. But I didn't care. I grabbed onto the back of his shirt and held on to him tightly. I didn't mean to start crying, but it happened before I could stop it.

"Hey," Jasper said quietly. "Bella it's okay."

I nodded as he gently rocked the two of us side to side. I hadn't seen Jasper since the day before Christmas Eve. We had talked occasionally but having him here was different. It had been like my life in Washington wasn't true. It was like some dream that almost didn't seem real. Having him here now reminded me that it was. That was both a burden and a comfort.

I let him go after a minute and laughed weakly. "I'm sorry…" I muttered.

"It's fine. You okay?" He asked. I nodded when he leaned down to look me in the eye.

"Did Alice come too?" I wiped my eyes and smiled.

"Nope. It's just me," Jasper shrugged and looked around. "How much longer are you here for?"

I looked at my watch and shrugged. "Like… ten minutes."

He looked down at me and whispered, "Do you think you can skip out early?"

I laughed and looked back at Claire. She was leaning against the bar pretending to not notice either one of us standing there.

"Hey Claire, since I got here thirty minutes early I'm gonna take off."

She nodded and smiled at Jasper. "See ya!"

He nodded and waited while I clocked out and got my purse from the back room. We walked outside and I stopped when I saw what he was driving. He laughed and walked past me, unlocked the passenger side door and opened it for me.

"She's missed you," he said casually. He nodded towards the beat up piece of shit truck that I hadn't seen or been in since Jasper left for Seattle.

I shook my head but got inside. "I didn't even know this thing still ran."

"Mabel will always run. She's a beast!" He said proudly.

I rolled my eyes but laughed. The old truck roared to life and we started making our way back through town.

"How long are you staying?" I asked loudly. The engine was entirely too loud.

"A few days. Alice had to… take care of some stuff so I decided to come see you."

I assumed that taking care of stuff meant she was dealing with Edward, but I didn't press the matter. We talked about everything else though. He told me about what Emmett and Rosalie were up to, and caught me up on how Esme and Carlisle were. When he turned onto the highway instead of heading back to either one of our parent's house, I turned to look at him.

"Where are we going?"

"Oh, I have a treat for you, Miss Bella," Jasper nodded and rolled the windows in the truck down. He reached across me and pulled a cassette tape out of the glove box and popped it into the player. "Do you remember…" He started yelling over the music, but stopped when I reached over and turned it off.

"I can't… I don't want to listen…" I said slowly. I turned my head to look out of the window, ignoring the feeling of him watching me. When he pulled the truck over onto the side of the road I closed my eyes. He turned the truck off, and it was entirely too quiet.

"Bella look at me," he said. Reluctantly, I turned back around. He took his sunglasses off and threw them onto the dashboard. "What's the deal?"

I shrugged my shoulders and looked straight ahead out of the windshield. "I don't… like music…"

"You don't like music," he repeated slowly. "Because of Edward?"

"Because it reminds me of him," I said quietly.

"You don't listen to music at all anymore? Nothing?" Jasper asked me.

"They play old country in the restaurant but I tune it out…"

"Jesus," he muttered and looked at the road in front of us. "I knew it was bad… I mean your dad said…"

I turned to look at him. "You've been talking to my dad?"

Jasper nodded slowly. "He said you were having nightmares…"

"Bad dreams," I corrected him. He ignored me.

"I understand that he hurt you," Jasper sighed and looked back at me. "I know that it isn't something you will just get over. But, Bella, you can't live your life like this."

I was already a little annoyed that he was having conversations about me behind my back. It didn't help that he was basically telling me that I was just…doing nothing.

"Like what? What the hell do you want me to do, Jasper?" I yelled.

"I don't want to fight with you," he shook his head. "Bella I just…we care about you."

"What the hell do you want me to do Jasper?!" I asked again, still yelling.

"I want you to fucking live your life! I want you to be happy!" He yelled back. "You are better than just running back home and hiding from your problems!"

I pushed the door of his stupid truck open and got out. I slammed it behind me and started walking back towards town. I ignored him yelling for me stop, and kept walking. I didn't stop when I heard him shut his own door or when I heard his feet running behind me. His arms wrapped around me, making me stop. I pulled against his grip even though it didn't do any good.

"Bella stop!" He yelled.

I spun around and hit his chest. "You have no idea how hard this is! You have no idea how much he fucking hurt me!" I yelled at him. "Do you think I like this, Jasper?! I hate this! I hate feeling like I'm empty! I hate not knowing who the fuck I am without him!" I screamed.

"Be mad Bella! At least then you're feeling something! At least then you aren't walking around like some… fucking zombie!" Jasper yelled.

I shook my head in frustration and tried to walk away again. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.

"How will you ever know what you fucking want if you keep everything bottled in? You don't talk to you parents or me… God damn it, Bella, just fucking let it out!"

"I… can't…" I cried and shook my head. "Jasper, I can't!"

"Why?! Why Bella?!" He yelled.

I kept shaking my head, but he wouldn't stop pushing me. I tried to walk away, to get away from his yelling and telling me that I had to feel something.

"Tell me why, Bella!" Jasper yelled again and I snapped.

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HATE HIM, JASPER! I LOVE HIM! I FUCKING LOVE HIM!" I finally screamed. Jasper let go of my arms and I pulled at my hair in frustration. I screamed, louder and louder, letting every part of my broken heart find a release. I screamed until my throat felt raw and I was completely out of breath. Jasper stood there watching me as I paced back and forth.

"I know…" he started. I started yelling again, interrupting him, but he put his hand up to stop me. "I know that I can't understand how you feel right now. But you can't keep all of this bottled up inside of you."

I wiped my cheeks off and looked at him. "I can't talk about this…" My voice cracked. My throat burned as I tried to talk. "I get so mad… and then… I just lose it. I can't do that. I just… I can't let him go, Jasper."

"Bella this isn't about you letting go," He took a step towards me. "This isn't even about Edward. It's about you figuring out who you are. You said that yourself. Bella, you can't figure anything out if you just stay closed off and disconnected from everything."

I looked down at the ground and took a deep breath. "I know," I admitted quietly.

"Then you can do this," Jasper said. I looked up as he moved in front of me, and sighed when he pulled me into a hug. "Do you feel better?" He asked after a few minutes.

I nodded and reluctantly smiled when he hugged me tighter.

** *** **

"For you," Jasper said. I looked up as he dropped a Wal-Mart sack on the table in front of me.

"Gee, Jasper, nice wrap job," I kidded. He shrugged and sat down as I pulled the plastic bag away. When I found a spiral notebook I held up. "What's this for?"

"That is for you to write in," he said quietly. My smile faded and looked at the table. Jasper leaned forward on his elbows. "Don't you dare get all mopey. Just because I'm leaving today doesn't mean your little therapy sessions are ending."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. If he considered making me scream until I couldn't breathe therapy, then he was crazy. "Jasper…"

"Listen to me," Jasper said forcefully. I looked up at him. "If you don't want to talk about it then at least write about it. Even if it's just a sentence a day, at least it gets it out of your system."

As I flipped through the empty pages I sighed. "Do you really think this is going to help?"

"Do you trust me?" He asked. I looked up at the tone of his voice; he didn't look like he was kidding.

"You know I trust you."

"Then this will work," he smiled. I hit him with the notebook and shook my head.

After we ate lunch and Jasper was on his way back to Seattle, I went to my parent's house. I went up stairs and sat at the small desk that I'd had since I was seven. I flipped through the first few empty pages and sighed. I picked a pen up and tapped it against the desk while I looked out of the window.

_I don't know… anything_ I wrote slowly. I smiled when I reread it and laughed. "Truer words have never been spoken," I muttered. I sighed and tried again.

_I don't ever want to forget you or what happened between us. I just wish that I could make sense of what I'm supposed to do now. I wish that I could remember who I was before any of this started. I don't know if I will ever figure out who I am, but at least I can promise myself that I will try. I can't fail at trying._

"Can't fail at trying…" I repeated back to myself. I closed the spiral and pushed away from the desk. I walked down the stairs and found my father sitting on the back porch. I pushed the screen door open and nervously looked at the chair next to him.

"Hey, Dad?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you… Can I…Can I sit with you?" I stuttered.

He looked up at me and smiled. "You don't have to ask."

I sat next to my dad and tried to act normal. I was scared he was going to try to talk to me about Edward or about anything really, but as the minutes turned into hours I realized he wasn't going to. The two of us sat there, not talking and just enjoying the silence. For the first time in a long time, I almost felt normal.

**A/N This was kind of a short chapter, but at least it came quick. If you missed the EPOV OT it is under another story name, B Side. It's on my author page. Thanks again to… everyone. I love you guys!**


	12. Breathe

"**If I just breathe, let it fill the space between, I'll know everything is alright," Breathe, Michelle Branch**

"Don't forget to pick that stuff up for me," My mother reminded me. I nodded and shoved another spoonful of cereal in my mouth. She kissed the top of my head and I waved as she walked out of the door.

As soon as I heard the garage door shut, I was running back up the stairs to change clothes. I wasn't necessarily excited about picking up an obscene amount of brisket for my parent's annual Fourth of July party, but I was excited about going into town. Not just our town, but a real town. A town that had more than three stop lights and offered its residents more than a Wal-Mart, McDonalds, and Dairy Queen. I hadn't been in a big city since Seattle, and the prospect of a Starbucks made me ridiculously giddy.

I was grabbing my purse off of my desk when I stopped and ran my hands over the large stack of spiral notebooks that had become my lifeline. It had been four months since Jasper had given me the first one, and I hadn't really believed that writing would help me. Eight notebooks later, I was wiling to admit that I had been wrong. Jasper was right when had said that I needed an outlet, something to just let everything out to. Most of it probably wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but as I flipped through the pages I couldn't help but feel a little proud of myself.

Figuring out who I was without Edward didn't mean that I had to find a whole new life. It didn't mean that I had to find new hobbies and interests, or even a career. It meant finding a way to deal with the choices I had made. I couldn't hide behind a friendship, or pretend not to feel things. I couldn't avoid the choices I had made or the consequences of them. But I could learn how to deal with them. I could learn that life was messy, and people get hurt. I could learn that I wasn't perfect, and neither was anyone else… no matter how high of a pedestal I put them on. I definitely wasn't over what had happened; I still hurt and wanted to shut myself away from anything that reminded me of him. But as every day passed I got a little better. It got a little easier to talk to my family and the few friends that I still had here. It got easier to smile and laugh. It got easier to be… me.

I picked up the massive amount of cow that my parents needed after swinging by Barnes and Noble. As a reward for the progress that I had made, not only did I get myself a venti caramel latte, I also got two new notebooks. These weren't cheap spirals from Wal-Mart, but nice leather bound journals. They were the kind of journals that _real_ writers wrote in.

With my sunglasses on and the air conditioner blowing full speed, I drove down the empty highway headed back home. I was staring at the dusty fields that bordered the road when I realized how quiet it was in my car. My eyes flickered down to the radio and then back to the road.

It had been months since I had listened to anything other than the old country music that they played in the restaurant, and even then I tuned it out. I missed music. I missed how certain lyrics could draw you in and explain something that was so personal. How in less than three minutes someone could describe undying love, heartache, happiness, and deep sorrow. But even if I did miss it, I was still scared of the feelings that it would bring up. I had always been in love with music even before Edward, but for some reason music was always so personal between the two of us. I looked down at the sack that my new journals were sitting in and shook my head. I got those for myself as a reward for opening up and trying to live my life again. But here I was, scared to even turn on the radio.

"You can't hide from this forever, Bella," I told myself. With a shaking hand I turned the radio on and turned it to the only non-country station in the area. I slowly let a deep breath escape my lungs and I nodded to myself as the commercial jingle played. "You can totally do this," I reassured myself.

As the DJ's voice came on, I gripped the steering wheel tighter. A generic girly rock song filtered through the speakers and I took another deep breath. I tried to focus on the music instead of the actual words, but it was difficult. The drums and guitars seemed to be too loud… too abrasive. I wanted to just turn it off and just endure the silence, but I didn't. I didn't want my life to be silent anymore. I wanted to have personal theme songs and sing along with the radio. I wanted heartfelt lyrics and melodies that gave you goose bumps. I took another breath and reached over and turned the volume up.

For three sets of songs I was fine. I sort of sang along to the ones I knew and nodded my head along for the ones that I didn't. I smiled and looked out of the window enjoying the free feeling. But, the euphoric high didn't last long.

"Rumor has it that Edward Cullen is in the studio working on his next album with legendary producer Felix Ridgeway…" The DJ said. My hands started shaking as they gripped the steering wheel so tight that it hurt. "Here is his hit single…"

I cringed as the familiar music filled my car, and when his voice started singing it felt like my entire body was being stuck with a thousand needles. It felt like steel girders were wrapping around my chest, compressing my lungs and making it difficult to breathe. All I could feel was pain.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I screamed. My hands let go of the wheel and started hitting the buttons on my dashboard. My car drifted to the side of the road, and it wasn't until I heard the tires leave the pavement that I slammed on my breaks. The dirt swirled around my car as I sat there and tried to catch my breath.

Why?! Why did that have to happen?! Did God not see that I was trying here?! Did he not care that I was trying to have faith in what his plan was for my life?! I screamed again and started hitting the steering wheel with my closed fists.

"All I fucking want is to feel better! I just want to live a normal fucking life!" I yelled. "Is that too much to ask?! Is it too much to ask for me to be normal again?!" My head feel back against the headrest as I cried.

After a few minutes I took a deep breath and shook my head. I reached down to pick the bags that had slid into the floor board and threw them back into the passenger seat. One of my new journals fell into the seat. I looked at it, hating the feeling of guilt that rose in my stomach. It wasn't my fault that they had to play his stupid song! It wasn't my fault that hearing his voice made me panic! The guilt I had been feeling quickly changed to anger.

"No!" I yelled at myself. I was tired of always feeling so defeated!

I reached over and pulled the glove box open. I pushed aside the normal crap that I kept in there until I found the small CD case I was looking for. Once I found it, I slammed the glove box shut and started flipping through the few CDs that I kept in it. Since I had gotten an iPod, I hardly ever listened to CDs unless it was one from Edward. My selection was small but at least I knew I didn't have any of his CDs in here. I rolled my eyes when I saw my Britney Spears collection and kept flipping.

Finally, I just decided to randomly pick one and shoved it in the player. I set it for random play and closed my eyes when the music started playing again. I could make this work. I would just have to settle for CDs that I knew wouldn't trigger warped memories of Edward. I also couldn't ever listen to the radio. That might be a little extreme, but it would have to work. After another deep breath to make myself calm down, I eased back onto the highway.

_"I've been driving for an hour, just talking to the rain…"_

I nodded my head along with the song and tapped my fingers on the steering wheel. When the song ended, I hit the back button and restarted it.

"Cause' I don't wanna waste another moment saying things we never meant to say…" I sang along quietly. "I take it just a little bit… I hold my breath and count to ten…"

As the lyrics to the song processed in my head my eyes started prickling. I took a deep breath and stared at the road in front of me. If I had heard this song once, I had heard it a thousand times. But it wasn't until that second that I really got it. The song ended again and I started it over, changing the settings to repeat just that song.

"_If I just breathe… Let it fill the space between I'll know everything is alright…"_

"Breathe… every little piece of me; you'll see everything is all right… If I just breathe…" I sang louder.

I smiled as the song continued to repeat itself over and over. My voice got louder the longer than it played. I rolled the windows on my car down and sighed when the hot wind blew against my face.

"And I give you just a little time…" I sang loudly. "I wonder if you realize… I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes!!!"

It didn't matter that I was off key or that I probably looked completely crazy. None of it mattered, because for the first time in a long time… I felt free. I felt like I was just another girl driving down the highway singing a song that made me feel understood.

This wasn't like my journals that contained page after page of thoughts and feelings that I couldn't share with people. This was me, opening up and saying what I wanted to. It was my heart finally letting go of the last piece of heartache. I smiled to myself, wishing that the only thing I could change was that Jasper was here with me. It took me a second to realize that there was such a thing as a cell phone, and I rolled my eyes at my stupidity as I dialed his number. It didn't take very long for him to answer.

"Jasper!" I yelled over the music.

"Bella?!" He yelled back. "Where are you… what's that noise?"

"Jasper, I'm listening to music!" I heard him laugh and smiled. "I'm driving down the highway with the windows rolled down and I'm singing!"

"I don't believe it!" He joked.

After moving the phone away from my mouth I took a deep breath and sang along, obnoxiously loud. "So I whisper in the dark hoping you'll hear me! Do you hear me?!?"

When I heard Alice singing in the back ground I laughed. Call it cheesy and maybe a little immature but at that exact moment, while two of my closest friends sang along with me over the telephone, I realize how happy I could be… would be, eventually. I smiled as tears slowly slid down the side of my face. After pulling the car over to the side of the road I paused the song and laughed when Alice just kept singing.

"Jasper…" I said slowly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm… I'm really going to be okay."

He was quite for a few seconds. "I knew you would be."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was going to be okay.

**** *** ****

"You seem awfully jumpy tonight," Seth muttered. I ignored him and continued fixing the drinks for my table. "You have a hot date later or something?"

I laughed, probably a little too loudly, and rolled my eyes. "Yeah… that's it."

Seth was the eighteen year old son of my parent's friends. He was always being guilt tripped into working at the restaurant for his sister and therefore working nearly every shift that I did. He was a nice enough kid, maybe a little too touchy feely, but over all a nice guy.

"Oh," he teased in a high pitch girly voice. "Bella's got a date!"

I threw a piece of ice at him and shook my head. "Yeah Seth, a date with my best friend and his wife."

"Hm. I didn't figure you would be the type to get into shit like that."

"Oh gross!" I groaned. "That is disgusting! Jasper is like a brother…"

Seth shrugged his shoulders and winked at me. "Let your freak flag fly, girl!"

Thoroughly disgusted by the mental images that _that_ situation brought to mind, I took my tray of drinks and left Seth in the kitchen. For the next three hours I did everything I could to make the time move faster. I hadn't seen Jasper since he had come to visit in March, and hadn't seen Alice since we had had lunch in Seattle. Finally, after all of the condiments had been refilled and the floors swept, I was able to leave. As soon as I pulled into the Whitlock's driveway I saw the front door fly open. I smiled and hurriedly got out of the car in time for Alice to throw herself at me.

"BELLA!" She yelled excitedly.

I hugged her tightly, trying not to cry. "Alice, I've missed you so much!"

Before either one of us could say anything else, both of us were sniffling and wiping tears off of our cheeks.

"Alright, Alright!" Jasper laughed and wrapped his long arms around both of us. "No crying."

Alice jokingly elbowed him in the stomach and I laughed. Not much had changed. After a few more hugs, the three of made our way onto the porch. Alice pulled me onto the swing with her, while Jasper sat on the porch railing.

"So…" Alice said lightly. "How's Texas? I noticed you cut your hair. I like it…"

I smiled and shook my head as she started talking a mile a minute. Jasper joked that she was making up for lost time, but I didn't care. It was just a relief to see both of them again.

"You look good, Bella," she said with sincerity. "I mean it…"

"Thank you," I nodded. "I feel… good."

"Really?" Jasper asked. His eyebrow was quirked, and he was giving me a knowing look.

"Honestly. I mean… I'm not perfect or anything," I explained with a shrug. "But I feel good."

I grabbed my bag off of the porch and sat it in my lap. I pulled out a few of the spiral notebooks that I had written in, and handed them to Jasper. He looked surprised, which made me happy.

"What…" He asked while flipping through the pages.

"This is only a few of them. I wanted to show you… that… it's working," I said quietly.

"What are they?" Alice asked. Jasper handed her a notebook and she slowly flipped through the pages. "Are these about… I mean… You…"

I nodded. "They're about what happened. I wrote them…"

"Bella this is really… really good," Jasper said quietly.

I shrugged and picked at the knee of my jeans. "I just wanted to show you… to thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Bella," Jasper shook his head. "This is all you."

"We're so proud of you, Bella, not just us," Alice motioned between Jasper and herself. "Emmett and Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle, all of us."

The dull ache that filled my chest when Alice mentioned Edward's family wasn't near as bad as I what I had expected. It was a relief. Maybe that was a sign that I was actually getting over what had happened.

I didn't know if I would ever be able to see Edward again and I guess in the back of my mind, I was hoping that all of this would eventually reach a peaceful solution so that I could see his family again. His parents had been a huge part of my life for the past ten years, just as his brother and Rosalie had been.

"Is… he…" I muttered slowly. "Is he… okay?"

Alice looked at Jasper and then back to me. "Um…"

"He's better," Jasper said quietly.

"Um... we actually…" Alice said nervously. "I needed to ask you…"

"Tomorrow," Jasper said forcefully. We both looked up at his sudden change of voice. "I promised Alice we would show her the town tonight."

She put a little too much enthusiasm into her nod of agreement. I narrowed my eyes and stared at her. "Alice…"

"We can talk about it tomorrow," Jasper interrupted again. He grabbed our hands and pulled us off of the porch swing. "Tonight… we will have fun."

"Yup!" Alice chirped in agreement. Before I could say anything else she was running back inside. "I just need ten minutes to change!"

Once the door shut I looked back at Jasper. "What's going on?"

He put both of his hands on my shoulders and leaned down to look in my eyes. "I mean it… tomorrow."

I rolled my eyes at his avoidance but eventually agreed.

When Jasper promised to "show Alice the town" that could only mean one thing; going to the only bar in town and getting drunk. Which is exactly what Alice did. She danced with everyone in that place, weather they wanted to or not. In the middle of doing the Cotton-Eyed Joe her designer shoe went flying into the rafters of the building, and by the time we left she was barefoot and being carried back to the car in Jasper's arms. I sat around with the rest of our few friends that had remained here after school and laughed at her. She would be too drunk to remember it anyway.

The next afternoon, while our families milled around my parent's house getting ready for a joined dinner, Alice sat in front of the air conditioner vent and groaned.

"Is Texas too much for you to handle, Alice?" My father asked. I laughed as she shook her head and leaned against the wall. "Didn't you learn your lesson the last time y'all were down here?"

"No sir," she said slowly. "But I definitely think I learned it this time…"

My father laughed and went outside with the rest of the real adults.

"Here," Jasper handed her a bottle of water and kissed the top of her head. She leaned against him.

"It is freaking September!" Alice groaned loudly. "Why is it so damn hot?!"

"Because it's Texas?" I offered as an explanation. She glared at me while taking a drink. "I'm just saying…"

She grumbled and fell onto the couch next to me. That's where she stayed until it was time to eat, and even then she was propped up against me or Jasper. After everyone had eaten, the dishes were put away, and all the old folks had gone to bed, the three of us sat on my parent's back porch.

I kept waiting, hoping that Jasper or Alice would bring it up first, but when another hour passed and neither one of them had mentioned what we were supposed to talk about I got frustrated.

"Are you guys ever going to tell me? Or am I just supposed to guess?" I finally snapped.

Jasper sighed, and Alice's posture stiffened.

"Well…" she said slowly. "It's kind of… about…"

"Edward?" I finished for her. She nodded and I sighed. "Just fucking tell me… please…"

Jasper sat up in his chair and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "He finished rehab last week."

I nodded for them to continue. "And?"

"He did really well actually," Alice said quietly. "Um… I think he learned a lot. About himself…"

"What does any of this have to do with me?" I bluntly asked.

It wasn't that I wasn't… happy… for Edward. I just didn't see how any of this concerned me, or why they would make such a big deal about it. Plus, I knew that if Alice was being all passive aggressive while Jasper was the one to call the shots, there had to be more to it than this.

"Twelve steps…" Alice said quietly.

"Step nine," Jasper interrupted her. "To make amends with people you've wronged."

I stared at him then slowly looked back at Alice. "Wait…"

"You don't have to agree to it Bella," Alice reached over and held onto my hand.

The steel girders around my chest were back; I took a deep breath and fought them back. I stared at Alice, trying to understand what the hell she was saying.

"He wanted to call and ask you himself," Jasper said quietly. "But I promised you that I wouldn't tell him where you were. So I…we… wanted to talk to you about it first."

"Edward wants to come to Texas?" I asked slowly. Jasper nodded. "He wants to come here and apologize to me… for everything?"

"To make amends," Alice squeezed my hand.

I looked down at Alice's hand holding onto mine and quickly pulled away from her. "I… um…" I shook my head and got up and walked down the stairs of the porch.

"Bella?" Alice called after me. I kept walking out of the back yard and out into the pasture behind my parent's house.

_No._ I told myself when the same panicked feeling crept into my chest. I leaned against the fence that bordered the property and took a deep breath. _Why?_ I silently asked God… or whoever was listening. _Why now? Why when I was just getting over this… _I shook my head. Heavy footsteps broke the silence that surrounded me, interrupting my silent discussion.

"Bella," Jasper sighed. "I didn't want to tell you…"

"Am I just supposed to just say yes, Jasper?" I asked quietly. "Am I supposed to just drop everything like I did before? Just to let him do whatever he needs to? Or if I say no does that make me a selfish person?"

Jasper was quiet for a moment. "No. I think you should do what's best for you."

"I don't even know…" I shook my head.

"See! This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you! This is why I wanted to tell Edward to fuck off when he asked me about it!" Jasper yelled loudly, interrupting me.

"What…"

"Don't you dare sit there and tell me that you don't know what's best for you Bella! I saw it! I read it! You have a dozen notebooks up in your bedroom that tells me you know exactly what you need and don't need!"

"Jasper…" I tried to interrupt him.

"No, Bella! I will not let you go back to the shell of a person that you were before!"

"Jasper!" I screamed. He finally stopped and looked at me. "I do not need you to tell me that! I know who I am and what I want! If you would let me talk, instead of just assuming that I was going to fall to pieces!"

"But you…" He motioned back to the porch. "You left."

I nodded exasperatedly. "I left because I needed a second to breathe! I needed to think for a second and… I'm used to being by myself!"

Jasper shook his head, "Sorry… I just…"

"Thought that I was falling apart," I finished for him. He nodded and I shook my head. "Jasper I wasn't lying when I said that I was better. Does this hurt me? Yes. Is it something I can't deal with? No."

"I'm not used to you being so independent," he admitted quietly.

I smiled in spite of the shitty circumstance I found myself in. "You'll just have to get used to that, Jasper."

He laughed wryly and shook his head. "So then… what are you going to do? What do you want me to tell him?

I sighed and told him the truth. "I don't know. I need to… think."

"Will you promise me something?" Jasper quietly asked. I nodded and looked at him. "Promise me that you won't do this just for him. If you decide to this… do it for yourself too."

I nodded. "I promise."

**** *** ****

After Alice and Jasper left to go back to his parent's house, I slowly paced around my small bedroom. I kept taking deep breaths to fight off the panic that was trying to seize me; I refused to give into that again.

I picked my journal up off the desk and flipped through the pages, reading about the new hope and encouragement I felt the past few months. I smiled, reading through my messy handwriting about how freeing it was to finally let go of the past that I had been holding on to.

"Peace," I quietly read to myself. "Peace for my mind, and hope for my heart. Faith that in the end of all of this, I will be able to realize it happened for a reason. I have prayers that everyone with a troubled heart will be able to feel the peace, hope and faith that I have felt. Prayers for strength… for all of us."

I dropped the journal on my bed and grabbed my cell phone. Jasper picked up on the second ring.

"Tell Edward…"I said quietly. "Tell him I said okay."

"You're sure?" Jasper asked me.

"I'm sure."

"Alright," he slowly agreed. "I'll call him when we get back to Seattle."

"Thank you Jasper… for everything," I sighed. He laughed quietly and we hung up.

My heart beat erratically as the decision I had made settled upon me. I grabbed my pen and picked my journal back up.

_Fear will not keep me from giving someone else the peace that I have felt. Even if this turns into a mistake, at least I can say I tried. Once again, I can't fail at trying._

I sat the journal back on my desk and stared out into the dark through my window.

"You deserve peace, too, Edward," I said quietly as my eyes slipped closed. "Just please… please don't make me regret this."

**AN: I'm posting an EPOV to go with this. It will be up in like ten min! Thanks to like… every single one of you.**


	13. Where I Stood

**I don't own Twilight.**

**"You meant more to me than anyone that I've ever loved at all. But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you, this is what I have to do. Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you. All I know is that I should. And I don't know if I can stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should. Cause she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood." Where I Stood, Missy Higgins**

"Oh, for the love of everything holy!" I yelled loudly. I threw my head back and groaned while Seth stood there and laughed at the fact that I had just dropped an entire container of tarter sauce all over my legs and shoes.

"Nice," Seth nodded in approval.

"Kiss my ass," I grumbled. I tossed the now empty container into the sink and shook my leg to try and get the clumps of sauce off of my jeans.

Of all days for this to happen, it would be today. I would drop an entire vat of disgusting and smelly sauce all over myself on the day that Edward was coming here. It was just my luck.

"Calm down, drama queen," Seth said, throwing me a towel. "Your shift ends in like twenty minutes."

I opened my mouth to explain to him that even if my shift did end in twenty minutes, I was going to be eating lunch here with Jasper and Edward. But I didn't need to give him any more ammunition that he already had, so I just nodded and continued wiping off my legs. He grabbed a pile of silverware and patted the top of my head before walking out of the kitchen.

Why did I even agree to this? Jasper had suggested meeting here, that way it wouldn't just be the two of us… but now I wasn't so sure this was the best plan. If we were at my parent's house it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to have a nervous breakdown. If it happened here… then I was screwed.

"It's just… talking Bella," I told myself. My hands shook as I leaned against the wall and took deep calming breaths. "Just…talking…"

I pushed away from the wall and walked back into the front of the restaurant. Seth was behind the bar rolling silverware, and other than that, he place was empty.

"I'll be right back," I told him while digging my keys out of my pocket. "I have some flip flops in the back of my car."

I pushed opened the door and stopped. It shouldn't have surprised me when I saw Jasper's truck pulling into the parking lot. God had one jacked up sense of humor today.

"Breathe, Bella," I whispered quietly. I took a deep breath, fighting back the panicked feeling that was making my hands shake and my stomach bubble. _You said you would try to be open to this, and to at least listen to what he had to say, _I reminded myself. After another breath I gave some sort of spastic hand wave to them. _Real nice, Bella._

Jasper got out first and smiled encouragingly, "Hey…"

"Hi," I muttered.

I wanted to look at Edward, to show him that I wasn't scared, but I couldn't make myself do it. Instead I stared at the pavement.

"Are you sure? About this?" Jasper asked quietly. He moved so that he was standing in front of me and I nodded. "Bella…"

_You can do this. You are stronger than this._ I reminded myself, again.

Looking up at Jasper, I nodded again and said, "I want to do this." My voice was shaky, but I meant it.

"Alright," he agreed. I watched as he turned around and waved for Edward to get out of the truck. I wanted to reach out and grab onto Jasper's hand. Instead, I took a deep breath and made myself look up at the person walking towards us.

Edward looked like he always did, maybe a little thinner, but mostly the same. He still walked with the same slow steps and his hands shoved into his pockets. His shoulders still hunched forward while he looked at the ground. I didn't see anything different, until he looked at me. Then, I had to stop myself from gasping.

His eyes were totally different than I had ever seen before. I had seen Edward at his absolute worst, and at his very best. And never, had I seen his eyes look like this. They weren't lifeless or defeated like I thought they would be. They weren't hard or cruel like they had been the last time I saw him. They were just… different.

"Bella," he said softly.

My heart felt like it was sitting at the base of my stomach, and the same defeated feeling started creeping over me. _No!_ I mentally screamed at myself. _You can not fall apart after he says one fucking word! _But even as I mentally chastised myself, I couldn't stop the onslaught of memories that flooded over me. Just by him saying one word… my own fucking name… I was giving in. My eyes started burning, threatening to cry. I took another deep breath and pushed it all back.

I lifted my head higher and looked him in the eyes. "Edward," I said in the strongest voice I could manage.

We continued to stare at each other, neither one of us backing down. While I was trying to show him that I was stronger than what I had been before, he seemed to just be… taking me in. It was like he was studying every inch of my face. It made me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.

"Not to be a jackass, but what the hell is all over your pants?" Jasper asked. I jumped as his voice interrupted the uncomfortable silence that had surrounded us. The three of us all looked down at my legs, and then the two of them looked back at me.

"I dropped a container of tarter sauce…" I quietly admitted. "I was coming out here to grab some other shoes."

Edward smiled slightly.

"Same ole' Bella," Jasper laughed and nudged my shoulder.

Had it been under any other circumstances, I probably would have agreed. But the fact that Edward was standing here…that I was trying too fucking hard to prove to him and myself that I was past all of this… I just flipped.

"No," I said harshly. Both of them looked a little surprised. "I am not the same old Bella," I explained slowly.

A look of embarrassment and understanding washed over Edward's face. I nodded as Jasper apologized and walked past both of them. Moving as quickly as I could, I unlocked my car and dug the pair of flip flops out. Neither one of them said anything as I changed shoes.

"Lunch?" I asked. When neither one of them did anything but shake their heads, I walked past them and back inside.

"What the hell took you so long?" Seth asked. He smiled when saw Jasper walking in behind me. "Oh look. Bella's boyfriend is back." I stopped the second the words left his mouth, making Jasper run into the back of me. Edward cleared his throat nervously.

I realized Seth was talking about Jasper rather than Edward, and tried to cover my embarrassment by introducing people. "Seth this is…"

"No fucking way," Seth said quietly, interrupting me. He laughed loudly and shook his head. "You're Edward Cullen!"

I slowly turned to look back at Edward, who was still standing by the door. He nervously nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. "That would be me."

"Dude!" Seth yelled loudly and ran past me. Edward smiled while he shook his hand. "I saw you last year when you played in Houston! Fucking awesome show!"

"Thanks," Edward nodded. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

I had extreme second hand embarrassment for Seth as he kept making a huge ass of himself. I groaned when he started singing and playing an air guitar.

"So what the hell dude!" Seth yelled excitedly. "What's the deal with the new album?"

Edward nodded while giving me a nervous look. "Uh… yeah. I'm working on it actually."

"We aren't staying here," I muttered to Jasper. He laughed but nodded his head. "Alright Seth, we um… need to go."

"Wait!" He yelled and ran past me to get his cell phone and then tossed it to me. "Take a picture!"

After several pictures on his cell phone we finally left the restaurant. As I drove though town, I kept looking in the rearview mirror, watching as Jasper and Edward talked. It was actually more like Jasper talking while Edward just nodded his head.

The hard part was over, that's what I told my self. The original meeting and awkwardness was past us, and now we could focus on what we each had to say. I pulled into my parent's driveway, thankful that they weren't home yet. The last thing I needed was my mother fawning over how perfect Edward was. I got out of the car and waited as Jasper pulled in behind me. He rolled down the window and I frowned before walking over to him. Edward awkwardly got out and shut the door behind him.

"I'm going to go pick something up and then I'll be back," Jasper said quietly.

"You're leaving?" I asked quietly. My eyes darted back to Edward who was leaning against the back of my car. "Jasper…"

"You don't need me to be here for this." He looked at Edward and then back at me. "Bella he needs… he wants to apologize. The two of you need to talk about this, and it doesn't really have anything to do with me."

I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn't because he was right. I wanted Jasper to be there to act like a security blanket, to make me feel better and maybe lessen the awkwardness of the situation.

"Okay," I nodded. He gave me a reassuring smile and backed out of the driveway. After sighing, I looked back at Edward who was staring at his feet. "Do you um… want to go inside?"

"If you want," he said hesitantly.

What I wanted was to start this whole damn day over. I nodded and walked up to the front porch. I felt his eyes watching me while I unlocked the door and led him into the living room.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked quietly. He shook his head. "Are you hungry? I could… well I can't cook but…"

Edward smiled and shook his head. "Can we just sit down and talk?"

Watching his smile made my chest ache but I nodded. I sat on the edge of my father's chair while Edward sank down onto the couch. The two of us were quiet, too quiet, and it was making me uncomfortable.

"Bella, there isn't an easy way to do this…" he said quietly. "The only way that I know how to do this is to just… tell you."

I nodded and looked at him. "What do you want to tell me?"

He sighed and moved so that he was sitting on the edge of the couch.

"There is a lot that I need and want to tell you, but I think the first thing is that this won't be easy. I know you will be mad, and you have every right to be. Just… please promise me that you will listen and tell me how you honestly feel." Edward spoke slowly, like he was trying to figure out the right words to use.

I nodded. "Okay."

"Say it… please," he asked quietly.

"I promise I will listen to you and that I will be honest," I vowed. Goosebumps covered my neck and arms as he looked at me. I wasn't sure what he could possibly say that could make any of this worse, and that thought wasn't comforting.

Edward opened and shut his mouth several times before pushing away from the couch. I watched as he paced back and forth in front of me, my nerves making me grip the arms of the chair I was sitting in.

"I just… Okay," he sighed and turned around to look at me. "I have lied to you, about… a lot of things."

_Lied?_ I nodded, but wondered what the hell he was talking about. My mind immediately went to the worst possible scenario; he had slept with someone else before Katie. I took a deep breath and continued watching him.

"The um…" he muttered. "Fuck! This is so…"

He started pacing faster. I watched him until it got to the point that I was ready to scream.

"Edward please…" I finally reached out and grabbed his arm. He stopped and looked at me. "Please, just tell me. Whatever it is… I can't handle you pacing… I just… you're making me a nervous wreck."

"Bella…" he said slowly. I nodded for him to continue. "I… didn't sleep with Katie…"

I blinked slowly. "What?" I asked him. I let go of his arm and stood up. "I don't understand… You didn't sleep with Katie?"

He shook his head and looked at me. "I lied…I told you I slept with her so that you would leave New York."

I fell back into the chair I had been sitting in and shook my head. My chest hurt… I couldn't breathe. I didn't understand what he was telling me. It didn't make sense.

"Why…" I whispered quietly. I stared up at him and asked louder. "Why would you lie to me about that?"

Edward kneeled down on the floor in front of me. "I… knew that you loved me. I heard you tell me… when… in Orlando. You thought I was asleep…"

I couldn't think… I couldn't speak… I don't think I could even breathe.

"Bella, I didn't think that I deserved you. I thought that… you could do so much better than someone like me. I thought that even… even if I loved you back I would end up breaking your heart one day," he explained slowly. "I pushed you away from me because I didn't want to hurt you… I didn't want you to love me…"

My eyes closed and I shook my head. "You…"

"I made so many mistakes with you… and… I'm so incredibly sorry."

"No…" I whispered as tears fell down my cheeks. "You… told me that you didn't need me. You…"

"I know and it was a lie. I didn't… Bella, I needed you more than anyone else in my life. You were my best friend…" Edward explained quietly. "Please look at me, Bella."

Reluctantly my eyes found his.

"I shouldn't have used you or taken advantage of your friendship… your love. I should have seen… from the beginning… that you loved me." Edward spoke in soft whispers.

I looked away, not wanting to hear anymore of this. Edward's hand gently turned my face back towards his. "I shouldn't have ever told James or lied about Katie. I shouldn't have lied and told you that I didn't need you… because I…"

My eyes closed again as his thumb gently ran across my cheek.

"Bella I'm sorry…" he said quietly when I looked at him again. "I don't have an excuse… I just…"

I felt myself crumbling. I could feel the defenses that I had been building since I left Seattle falling to pieces. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to fall apart again just because he had shown up and told me he was sorry.

"No…" I said quietly.

"No?" Edward repeated me.

I made myself look at him, hating how my heart ached at the look on his face.

Edward Cullen was the man that I had loved for longer than I could remember. He was the epitome of everything that I thought I wanted and needed. Looking at him now… I could still remember why I loved him. I could still see that he was what I wanted… what I needed.

I loved Edward. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone else in my life. Ten months ago I would have been willing to give anything for him. I would have easily traded my own life, if it meant that he would be happy… safe.

"No," I said again. I was louder this time.

"You… don't accept my apology?" Edward asked me.

I stood up and took over the job of pacing. He sat in the chair and watched me.

"Edward…" I stopped and looked back at him. "You made a decision that… nearly killed me. You made the choice to lie to me about something that friends should never… ever… lie about."

He nodded in agreement but remained silent.

"You purposefully hurt me… because you thought that was what was best for me?"

"You deserved better, Bella."

"Why do you get to make that decision?" I asked angrily. "I thought you could do a whole lot better than Jane, but I let you make your own mistake…"

"And look at how that ended… look at what it caused!" He explained urgently. "You deserved better than that…"

"You aren't Jane!" I yelled at him. "God, Edward! Why couldn't you see that I didn't care! Do you think that I didn't know who you really were? I know you better than anyone else on this planet! I saw you at your absolute worst and instead of seeing what you had become I saw what you could be… would be!"

He looked down at the floor and took a deep breath. "I thought I was saving you from heartache."

I stopped pacing and looked down at him. "What?" I asked quietly.

He looked up at me and shook his head. "I thought that by pushing you away… I would save you from the heartache that I would cause you…"

I grabbed Edward's arm and pulled him behind me, ignoring his questions about where we I was going or what I was doing. I pulled him up the stairs and into my bedroom. He stopped in the doorway as I walked over to my desk and picked up the notebooks. I turned back to face him, my arms full of them.

"You thought you were saving me from heartache?" I asked while shaking my head. "That's what all of this is! I couldn't talk to anyone… I couldn't deal with anything…"

Edward watched as I shoved the notebooks in his arms. "What…"

I nodded to the books he was now holding. "That's my heartache Edward… and I'm giving it back to you."

He slowly walked toward the bed and laid all of them down. I watched as he picked one up and slowly read through the first few pages.

Maybe I should have felt a little exposed about what he was reading, but I didn't. Those words that covered all of those pages were about him. They were every memory, fear, hope, dream… everything that I had ever felt about him.

"Bella… I didn't…"

I shook my head because it didn't matter anymore.

"My heart was broken… is still broken," I admitted quietly. "Those books are what put it back together."

Edward nodded and I saw tears slowly sliding down his face.

"You wanted to save me from heartache… then take those with you when you leave. I don't want them… I don't want to be reminded of everything that I lost."

He stopped reading and turned around to look at me. "Bella, I'm so sorry that I did this…"

I shook my head. "I just want peace for both of us. I want to remember how great we were before any of this started. I forgive you, and I will always love you… but I can't keep holding on to this. I can't keep holding on to you…"

The two of us stood there looking at each other and crying. It was sad and depressing, but I kept reminding myself that both of us could walk away from this without hating each other. This was a chance for us to make this right.

"Bella…" Edward said after several minutes. He dropped the notebook on the bed and tentatively stepped towards me. "That night in Orlando... when you walked in to the hotel room and you saw me playing. Do you remember that?"

I nodded and looked up at him as he got closer to me.

"I didn't know it then… but that was when I knew that I loved you," he explained quietly. "When I saw you standing there… smiling and just being you… I fell in love with you."

My head fell against his chest as I cried. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, hugging me to him.

"I'm not telling you any of this to make you forgive me or to try and get you to come back with me," Edward whispered against the top of my head. "I just… I want you to know. I love you Bella, and I thank God every single day that he put you in my life."

My arms wrapped around him as we both stood there crying. I wanted to tell him to forget it, that I loved him and that we should be together. But as much as I wanted that, I knew it wasn't what we both needed. What we needed was forgiveness, the truth, and a chance to move past what had happened, and that was what we had just given each other.

"Edward I…" My voice broke as I cried against his shoulder. "I will always consider you my best friend. I will always be proud of you… and I will always love you."

He let go of me and I looked up at him as he gently wiped the tears off of my cheeks. "Then I will always consider myself a lucky man."

I held onto his hands as he leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against mine. Our foreheads leaned against each other's, and for a few minutes there was nothing but silence that surrounded us. Edward slowly pulled away from me and smiled a sad sort of smile. I watched as he pulled something out of his jacket pocket and handed it to me.

"I don't expect you to listen to this right now… in fact I hope you don't," he explained when I took the CD case from him. "But, I hope that if you ever doubt what we were or how I feel about you… then you will listen to it, and remember that even though it hurt… a lot… everything that happened to us, happened for a reason."

Nodding, I took the CD and held it against my chest and watched as Edward took the notebooks off of my bed. As he was walking towards the door, he stopped and leaned down to kiss my cheek.

"Thank you," he whispered against my skin. "Thank you for always believing in me."

"Edward, promise me that you'll be great," I whispered back.

He looked down at me and smiled. "I promise," he said quietly.

I watched as Edward walked out of my bedroom. I continued to stare at the empty space when I heard him shut the front door. It could have been several minutes or maybe even hours later, before I realized I was still standing there.

Did I just make a huge mistake? Had I just watched the man that I loved more than anything else in my life walk away, knowing that he loved me? I shook my head and sat on the edge of my bed.

"No," I answered myself quietly. If this whole situation had taught me anything, it was that I couldn't stop living my life just to make him happy. I had to go back to living my life, and Edward had to go back to living his.

I took the CD that he had given me and hid it in the back of one of my desk drawers. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Everything happens for a reason Bella," I said quietly.

The truth was that I did love Edward, I always would. But right now… I had to love myself more.

**AN: There will be an EPOV to follow in The Groupie outtake story, Side B. I haven't finished it yet, but should have it up soon! Maggie... you rock! **


	14. Hopeless

**I own a guitar with a pink shoulder strap. I also own an odd amount of office supplies. I do not own Twilight or Edward and Bella. This plot is mine though.**

"**I can not hold on. I will not let go." Hopeless, Breaking Benjamin**

"_I might have had a heartbeat Bella, but emotionally I was dead." _That was what Esme had told me over a year ago when I had dinner with her for my birthday. Her voice had been resonating though my mind over the past three months… ever since Edward had left… ever since I found out the truth. The pain from before…the heartache… all of it was better than this. At least with the pain I knew that I was still alive. Now I was just empty. I was numb.

October fourth, the day that Edward had explained everything, was the last day that I had been able to write, anything. The last thing I had written was another foolish declaration of a hope for peace between the two of us. I had written it that morning before I went to work, before I had seen Edward and heard the truth about what had happened.

That idea of hope and peace lasted a few hours after he had left. Then it all faded into a numbing silence. How could I have hope or peace for something that didn't ever even exist? I had spent a year learning how to deal with the fact that Edward had slept with someone else. I accepted the fact that he didn't love me… that he didn't need me. Now, everything was changed.

I would sit for hours, staring at the blank pages of my leather bound journal. I was waiting for something or anything to come to me, but eighty days later it was still blank. I was still empty. I understood what Esme had meant now. I had a heartbeat and I was breathing, but emotionally I was dead.

I didn't know how to feel angry, or hurt. I didn't know how to love or hate. I didn't know how to feel regret or disappointment. The emotions were just under the surface, but I didn't know how to feel them.

Eighty days of feeling absolutely nothing was driving me insane. I had tried everything I could think of. I filled a bathtub with scalding hot water and sat there, wanting to feel my flesh burning. I didn't feel anything. If the thought of blood didn't make me absolutely disgusted I might have considered cutting myself, but even I knew that was crazy. So I did the next best thing. If I could physically hurt myself, I might as well try emotionally.

The inconspicuous box sitting on my bed contained all of the ammunition I would need. My parent's had left to go have dinner with the Whitlocks, and even though I wanted to see Jasper and Alice, I needed this more. So I waved my parent's out of the house, telling them that my head ached and promising that I would be better in time for Christmas dinner in two days.

I took a deep breath and sat on the bed, next to the box. I slowly lifted the lid and stared down into its contents that hadn't seen the light of day since I had left Seattle, three hundred and sixty-four days ago. My hands shook as I reached into the box and pulled out a stack of framed pictures.

Edward stared up at me from behind the glass. His eyes were covered up from his sunglasses, but I could still see the crease at the corner of his eyes. It was so familiar but still so…haunting. I focused at the other details in the picture, remembering it like it had been yesterday. The two of us were sitting next to Emmett in the back seat of the familiar Suburban, the windows had been rolled down and music was playing softly. Jasper was driving, while Alice was sleeping in the front passenger seat. Edward and I were laughing at Emmett talking in his sleep, and we started trying to figure out what he was dreaming out. That had lasted less than ten minutes when we decided that we didn't really want to know. I watched Edward, watching him smile and laugh. Watched as the late afternoon sun shined in through the window, and the wind blew his hair in all different directions. I had taken that picture while he laughed at his brother's sleep induced ramblings. Looking at it now, it was like I could still hear his laughter that was muffled by the opened window; I could still feel the warm sun on my skin. I could still feel him.

I sat the picture frames down, and picked up a shoebox full of pictures and other memorabilia. Tears made my eyes burn as I picked up the backstage passes from his first show on his tour. That was the first night I had kissed him, the first night we had… I took a deep breath and kept digging through the box. There were several guitar picks, ticket stubs, and even cardboard bar coasters. I found what I was looking for, and dropped everything back into the small shoebox. The cheap plastic ring was chipped and tattered looking, it's ruby red stone duller than I remembered. I slid it on my ring finger and blinked the tears away. Edward had won it at some fair that he had played at in North Carolina. He had been aiming for a rabbit's foot keychain, and grabbed this instead. I laughed when he promised to replace it with a real one when ended up "big and famous". He had said it like he doubted it, but even then I knew it would happen.

For two hours I sat there and sifted through piles of pictures and other trivial keepsakes from my eleven years of knowing Edward. When the box was empty I stared at items scattered around my bed. Edward's smile and brilliant green eyes stared up at me, mixed with the smiles and eyes of all of my other friends. I stared at a picture of the two of us that Alice had taken in Orlando. It was taken the second day that I was there, the day after Edward fell in love with me. I studied it, trying to see if there was anything different about him. His arms were wrapped around my shoulders while his head leaned against the top of mine. I was looking at Alice, laughing and leaning into Edward with my arms wrapped around his sides. My heart thumped loudly in my chest when I really looked at Edward's face. He was smiling, not his normal cocky smile, but a peaceful smile. His head was turned like he was trying to smell my hair. His eyes were closed, the usual crease between his eyebrows gone. There it was… for everyone to see, the love… that he had hidden from me.

I squeezed my eyes shut as a searing pain ripped through my chest. I pushed everything off of my bed, screaming at the rage and frustration that I finally felt. I jumped off the bed and stormed over to my desk and grabbed the almost empty journal. Still screaming, I ripped the pages out of the book and threw them down on the floor.

"Why?!" I screamed at nothing. My arms raked across the desk, knocking everything to the floor.

God, I wanted so much to hate him! I had every right to hate him! I had spent ten fucking months recovering from something that didn't even exist! I rebuilt myself on nothing but his lies!

Stumbling over books from my desk, I reached out to the few things I had sitting on my bookshelf. I grabbed at the books and other trinkets and threw them down to the ground. Each thud or shattering sound fueled the anger that ripped through my body.

"I fucking hate this!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "I hate that you fucking lied to me! I hate that you love me!"

I leaned back against the wall, tears streaming down my face and my chest burning. I slowly shook my head and slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor, where Edward's face stared up at me. I closed my eyes and pulled the front of my sweatshirt over my face.

There was no way of telling how long I had been sitting there, but when I heard a soft voice asking me what had happened I looked up and saw Alice standing in my doorway. She had a horrified expression on her face. Instead of answering her I just started crying again and buried my head in my shirt again.

I heard her walking towards me, glass crunching beneath her shoes. She stopped in front of me and carefully sat down.

"Honey…" she started. I shook my head. "Bella you…"

Reluctantly I looked up at her. "Why can't I hate him?" I asked in a shaky voice. Alice's sad eyes looked back at me. "I want to hate him… I want to… but I can't…"

She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her cell phone. For a second I was scared to death that she was calling Edward, but then I heard Jasper's voice on the other end.

"Hey," Alice said quietly. "You go to dinner with everyone without us. Bella and I need a little girl time…"

"Is everything okay?" Jasper cautiously asked.

"Yeah," she lied. "Everything will be fine."

A few seconds later Alice hung the phone up and moved so that she was sitting next to me against the wall, her tiny hand reached out to hold onto my hand and I leaned my head against her shoulder.

"Bella," she started slowly. "This… you were doing so well…"

I shook my head and shut my eyes. "Alice I…it was all a lie! I rebuilt my life thinking that he didn't love me! Now I know he does love me and we can't be together... how the hell do I even begin to deal with that?!"

She didn't have an answer, and I knew she wouldn't. Jasper was her one true soul mate, and they had both known that from the second they met each other. There wasn't ever a questioning period in their relationship. It was just a true faith in each other that never wavered or steered off of its path.

"I know that you both have issues that you need to deal with," she said carefully. "But aside from that… why can you not be together? I'm not saying right this second, but if it's what you both want…"

I shook my head and sat up. "Alice… we…can't"

"Listen Bella, I will be the first to admit that I wasn't a fan of you and Edward. I thought and still think that he treated you like shit. I think that you gave up way too much of yourself to make him happy. But if you could see Edward now… it's only been four months since he left rehab, but… Bella he is a whole new Edward."

"And I'm happy for him," I admitted. "But Alice… you weren't here. You… the second he admitted that he loved me, I was willing to just forget everything. I was willing to walk away and follow him anywhere he wanted. It isn't healthy or normal that that is my first reaction to him!"

She nodded and the two of us slipped into an uneasy silence.

"Tomorrow it will be a year," I whispered.

"A year?"

"Since I left Seattle," I explained. "It was a year ago tomorrow that Edward told me he didn't need me."

Alice turned so that she was facing me and I looked back at her. She looked like she wanted to say something, but wasn't sure if she should. Finally she sighed and shook her head.

"When they got back, Edward locked himself in his room and read every single page of the journals you gave him. He read all of the heartache and devastation that you felt," she said quietly. "When he finished he called me and said two things."

I took the bait she was laying and asked her what the two things were.

"He said that he had rewritten every song for the new album and wanted to start rerecording it as soon as he got back from Chicago," she answered.

"What's in Chicago?"

Alice's smiled slightly. "James is in Chicago. Edward went and basically beat the shit out of him… Jake had to pull him off of him."

My eyes widened as I stared at her. "He did what?"

She nodded. "He read what he said… in New York. Apparently he was the reason why Edward never went up stairs, why he stayed out till six in the morning. He lied to him about something; I don't know the whole story."

I groaned and my head fell forward. "It… doesn't even matter. We can't change what happened."

"Maybe you're not supposed to," she quietly suggested. "Maybe you're just supposed to learn from it and move forward."

Move forward. I sighed and leaned back against the wall. Move forward instead of standing still, actually living life instead of stalling, instead of hiding from everything that I had known.

Alice stayed for a few more hours, trying to convince me that eventually everything would work its self out. I wish that I could believe her, but I couldn't. Instead I just agreed to at least try. Unfortunately, trying meant going Christmas shopping with Alice and Jasper.

I trailed along behind the two of them, grumbling at their hand holding and general happiness. Jasper kept giving me concerned looks and I kept promising him I was fine. But after three hours of mindless shopping, I was about to lose it.

"We just need to find something for your dad," Alice muttered. Jasper followed behind her, nodding. "Maybe something for him to use for hunting?"

I groaned and shook my head. I had no desire to go to a freaking sporting goods store, especially when the walls were covered with stuffed animals. Their fake beady eyes would follow you and it just freaked me out.

"Ya'll go without me," I said before Alice could drag me into it.

They both stopped and turned around to look at me. "What will you do?" Jasper asked me.

I shrugged and looked at the small hippie like stores that covered the Austin drag. Surely I could find something to do. There were bookstores and a few other eclectic places I could wonder around. "I just want to sit for a while, I'll get coffee. Just call me when ya'll get done."

Jasper gave me another skeptical look, but Alice understood that I just needed some time alone. She reassured him that I would be fine, and once they left, I slowly started wondering up and down the street.

The Drag in Austin was like nothing I had ever experienced anywhere else. It was a mixture of art, music, and anything else that people could throw together. It had a very bohemian feel to it, but it was also laid back and very relaxing. When we were in high school, Jasper and I would sneak to Austin and hang out with all of the hippies, sneaking drinks when they weren't looking.

There were several small bookstores that I wondered around in, and I enjoyed taking in a mixture of scents. Dust and stale paper, mixed with a hint of leather was one of my favorite smells in the world. I stopped and listened to the few street musicians that were playing, and although it was eerily familiar to the days that Edward had played on the pier in Seattle, I found myself enjoying it. I dropped two twenty dollar bills into their open guitar case and smiled when they thanked me.

"Do you play?" One of them asked me when the song ended. I shook my head.

"No. I just like… music," I muttered. I wanted to roll my eyes at the generic answer I gave them, but it was the truth.

"If you like it, then why don't you play?" The other guy asked.

I laughed and shook my head. "I'm what they call tone deaf, and I can't play anything."

The first guy that had spoken put his guitar pick between the top strings of his guitar and stuck his hand out towards me. "I'm Garrett and that's Sam," he nodded towards the other guy.

"Bella," I smiled and shook his hand, and then Sam's when he offered it.

"Beautiful," Garrett said, making me blush. "It fits you."

I nodded, not really sure what else I should have done, and continued walking down the sidewalk.

"Merry Christmas, Bella!" I heard Garrett call after me. I turned around, waved, and kept walking.

He certainly wasn't the first person to have picked up that Bella was Italian for beautiful, but that didn't mean that it got easier for people to point out. Not only did I definitely not think that I lived up to the name, I just wasn't used to taking compliments. Pushing my nervousness away, I kept walking in and out of the small shops that lined the street. It wasn't like I would ever see him again anyway.

I had found a few last minute gifts for Alice and Jasper's mom and was still wasting time when I walked past a music store. The windows were covered in vintage concert posters that were yellowed and pealing away from the windows. The music that was playing inside could be heard through the glass door, and from the side walk I could see a young girl sitting on the counter moving her head along with the music. I have no idea what drew me into that shop, but when I pushed the door open it felt very familiar even though I hadn't ever been in this store before.

The girl sitting on the counter looked up at me and smiled. "Welcome to Vivre," she said in a cheerful voice.

I nodded, trying to look friendly, but my eyes were drawn to the rows full of vinyl records and the deep red walls covered in guitars. The music playing in the background was soothing and not as abrasive as I figured it would be.

Something about this place seemed familiar, but I was sure that I hadn't ever been here before. My hands slid over the plastic covers of the albums as I slowly walked between the aisles. I shied away from anything related to music, unless it was one of my CDs or country music that I just tuned out. But, like the guys performing on the street, I enjoyed it.

As I was admiring the acoustic guitars covering the back wall of the store, a deep voice interrupted me. I turned around, not startled, but intrigued by the voice that had spoken to me.

Behind me was a man who could only be described as… different. He had a kind smile that enhanced his pale blue eyes. He had a pair of reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose and his long silver hair hit the top of his shoulders. I smiled when I noticed his tie-dyed t-shirt. He held out his hand I shook it, smiling when he introduced himself. "I'm Peter, the owner."

"It's nice to meet you," I said quietly. "I'm Bella."

Peter's eyes lit up and his smile widened. "Beautiful."

A flaming blush covered my cheeks and I nodded, wondering what the hell was with people mentioning this today.

"Well, Bella," Peter said quietly. "What kind of guitar do you want?"

I blinked a few times and then shook my head slowly. "Oh, I don't play."

"I know," he smiled and nodded. "But you will."

I laughed quietly, sure that he was joking. When he just continued to smile at me, I tried to explain that playing an instrument wasn't in the cards for me.

"You don't understand," I laughed. "When I was six my friend's mom tried to teach me to play the piano. She tried until I was seventeen and it never took."

"That's the piano, Bella. This," he smiled and pulled a guitar off of the wall. "This is a guitar. A guitar becomes an extension of you, another appendage if you will."

Peter handed me the guitar and I tentatively took it. I knew from my time with Edward and Jasper how to hold one, but it still felt awkward in my hands.

"I don't know how to play," I muttered, looking down at the instrument.

He smiled. "We give lessons."

My mouth opened to argue with him, but I was cut off when my cell phone started ringing. Peter took the guitar back from me as I pulled my phone out and answered it.

"Hey, where are you?" Jasper asked.

"Um I'm in that music store… you know the one on the corner of 24th street," I explained while Peter went back to the girl sitting on the counter.

"You're in a music store?" Jasper asked slowly.

"Yeah, um…" I looked back at the guitar Peter had left on the stand beside me. "Can you come by here? I need you to look at something."

He agreed and after I put my phone back in my pocket Peter waved me over to the counter.

"Bella, this is Jessica," he introduced the girl sitting on the counter. She looked to be around my age, maybe a little younger. Her long hair fell in natural waves around her shoulders, except for the piece that she was twirling around her finger. I noticed that she had chipped black nail polish on her nails and smiled. I couldn't ever paint my nails without the polish chipping the next day.

Jessica swung her legs off of the counter and tilted her head as she looked at me. "Bella?" she asked quietly.

I nervously looked between her and Peter, who was flipping through a book. "Yeah?" I asked hesitantly.

"You look like a Bella," she said with a nod. I smiled and watched as she hopped off of the counter and went back to pick up the guitar Peter had pulled down for me. "Are you going to name her?" she asked, handing the guitar back to me.

"Name who?" I asked in confusion.

Jessica laughed and shook her head. "Your guitar, silly!"

Again, I looked back at Peter and then down at the instrument I was holding. "Oh um… I don't…"

The door opened and I was saved from having to answer. Jasper walked in, his eyes widening when he saw me. Alice however, walked in behind him and smiled as she looked around the store.

"Bella," Jasper said as he got closer to me. His eyes took in the guitar in my hand and he quirked his eyebrow. "What's…"

"I want to buy a guitar," I said, shocking myself. His eyes widened while Alice told me that she thought it was an excellent idea. "I want to buy one… but… I don't know anything about guitars and you do. So…" I trailed off and looked at him.

"Can I talk to you? Outside maybe?" Jasper asked quietly. I nodded and followed him outside. Once the door was shut, he looked down at me. "Bella guitars can be expensive, and you don't really know how to play."

I sighed and looked down at the pavement. I tried not to get annoyed, but I couldn't help it. I knew Jasper was just looking out for me, concerned that in the span of a day I had decided to buy a guitar even though I had no idea how to play it.

"I can't write anymore Jasper," I muttered quietly. I looked up at him and hated the pity that was staring back at me. "I just need something. I need something to do and this seems… natural."

"I guess I could give you lessons over the phone… or Skype," he shrugged.

"They give lessons here," I nodded back towards the store. "I just… need this Jasper."

He looked at me for a minute before nodding and leading me back inside. I smiled and watched as he talked to Peter, while Alice and Jessica talked to each other off to the side.

We left two hours later with a new guitar, a case, strings and picks and an appointment for me to come back next week for my first lessons with Peter's grandson. When we got back to my parents' house, Jasper took the guitar out and tuned it for me, showing me the basics.

The next week I drove back to Austin and nervously made my way back into the shop. Jessica was sitting on the counter again, her hair pulled up into a sloppy bun that displayed the tattoo on the back of her neck. When I got closer I saw that it was music notes, lined up like how you would see it on sheet music.

"Hi, Bella!" she said excitedly.

I waved and carefully made my way inside of the shop, trying not to knock anything over with my guitar case. "Hi, Jessica."

"Are you excited? I remember my first lesson; it was like a fucking eye opener!" She smiled and jumped off the counter when I reached her. "Trust me, Bella. You'll feel so much better after this!"

"Feel better about what?" I asked her. She smiled softly and gave me one armed hug.

"Music heals, Bella," she said quietly. "You'll see."

I was about to ask her what the hell she was talking about when the door behind the register opened. My mouth fell open in surprise when I saw Garrett walking out and smiling.

"Well hello," he laughed and leaned against the counter. "When Gramps said I had a lesson, he didn't tell me it was with a beautiful girl."

My blush made my face feel like it was on fire and I shook my head. "I uh… didn't know…" I stuttered, mentally kicking myself. I had no idea he would be giving the lessons and I sure as hell didn't want him thinking that I was purposefully trying to spend time with him.

"Relax, Bella," Garrett laughed and motioned for me to follow him.

Jessica gave me a reassuring smile and I sighed before following him. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. I walked into the small room and sat my case down and started to pull my guitar out.

"Whoa. Whoa," Garrett laughed. His hands stopped mine and he smiled at me. "First thing is first."

I pulled my hands away from him and sat in one of the chairs that he nodded towards. I sighed and watched as he pulled my guitar out and sat in on a stand next to his.

"So, what's your story?" Garrett asked. He slid onto the chair across from mine.

"Excuse me?"

"You know, what's the deal? Why the guitar? Do you have any musical experience?" He clarified. His smile was kind, like his grandfather's.

"Why do you think I have a story?" I muttered. My hands instinctively started fidgeting with my shirt.

Garrett leaned forward, dipping his head so that he could see my face. "For one thing you look like the saddest girl I've ever seen. Also, people normally don't tip street musicians forty bucks. Plus, everyone has a story."

I sighed and shook my head. "I thought that this was about… guitar lessons…"

"It is. But, how can you express yourself creatively if you're so wound up that you can't even talk to someone?" He shrugged and picked his guitar up. I watched as he settled it on his lap, and slowly started strumming. "Music is very therapeutic. You have to feel it… inside of you. You can't fake it."

Just like before, when I had seen him play on the street, the music didn't make me panic like it normally did. I found it oddly familiar and relaxing.

"What's your story then?" I asked quietly.

Garrett smiled and looked back at me. "Is this a show me yours, I'll show you mine sort of thing?"

I nodded and he laughed while shaking his head.

"My mom was a jazz singer in New Orleans, showed a lot of prospect until she decided to start focusing more on drugs than music. She was in jail for fifteen years for dealing. I came to Texas to live with my grandparents and just never left. Music was the one constant thing in my life. It always made sense, even when nothing else did. Finally Gramps decided to just let me work here, since I hardly ever left. The rest is history."

It shocked me how he could just tell a story like that, to a complete stranger, without even blinking an eye. He just shrugged when I stared at him, never stopping his gentle and soothing strumming.

"I'm… sorry," I whispered. He shook his head.

"Your turn," he smiled and looked at me. "What's the story?"

My fidgeting got worse and I had to take a deep breath to fight back the tears building in my chest. I didn't want to talk about Edward, especially using his full name. I didn't know these people, and the last thing I needed was for them to go running to the tabloids with this. Instead, I focused on the part of his question I could answer.

"I know how hard it can be," I said quietly. "I… had a friend who was a struggling musician. That's why I gave you more money than most people do. I know what it can mean."

Garrett nodded and smiled when I finally looked up at him. "Why the guitar?"

"It reminds me of…" I stopped and took another deep breath. "It's comforting. The sound of it, the rhythm of it is comforting to me."

He looked at me for a second before nodding and telling me to get my guitar. For an hour I let him teach me the basics, most of which I already knew thanks to Jasper. It also didn't hurt that I knew how to read music, and by the time we had finished, I didn't feel nearly as remedial as I thought I would have.

Peter and Garrett both insisted that I let Garrett walk me to my car, even though it was only parked across the street. I finally relented and the two of us walked out of the store. After putting my still nameless guitar in the back seat I turned around and thanked Garrett.

"No problem," he smiled and shook my hand. "I hope you… feel better."

My eyes fell to the pavement, but I nodded. "I want to feel better," I quietly admitted after a minute.

"Do you know what Vivre means, Bella?" Garrett asked. I shook my head and looked at the sign behind him. "It means "live," in French, like to live your life. I don't know your story Bella, but I can tell you that every person in that store has been through something that they never thought they would recover from. Music is what helped them through it."

"I… don't…" I stuttered and he stopped me.

"You don't have to tell me anything until you want to, and then I'll be willing to listen. I just wanted you to know, that we've all been there. We get it." He gave me a reassuring smile before opening the car door for me. "I'll see you next week, Bella."

I slowly got into the car, nodding when he told me to drive carefully. I pulled away from the curb and looked in the rearview mirror as I continued down the street. There was definitely something different about Garrett, Jessica and Peter. It wasn't a bad different, just different from what I was used to. The fact that they all seemed to pick up on how miserable I seemed to be made me a little nervous, but I guess frowning all the time had to be a dead give away.

As I pulled onto the highway headed back to my parents' house, I remembered what Jessica had told me, that music heals. Anything would be better than being trapped inside of my own head, like I had been since October. I smiled and turned on the only CD I could listen to, letting the lyrics and music wash over me.

"Music heals," I repeated to myself. I turned the volume up and started singing along with the familiar music.

**AN: Some of you might look at this as one step forward and two steps back, but it had to happen. Thanks for all of the reviews (which I suck at replying to), they make me happy! The Groupie was rec'd on TLYDF, which was a huge surprise, and thanks to Megan for liking the story enough to do that.**

**Let's talk Indie fic awards shall we? My girl Jadedandboring is up for one, go check out her profile on FFN and read The Kubler Ross Model.**


	15. Blindfold

**I still don't own Twilight or any of these songs. I do own hot pink glittery guitar picks and a music composition book that has never been written in.**

"**Don't I seem better? Don't I seem just fine? ... Yeah, I still want you. No one else will do." Blindfold, Tristan Prettyman**

"Best part! Best part!" Jessica yelled excitedly. I smiled and watched as she sat on the edge of the counter, waiting for her favorite part in the movie they were watching.

Everyone was gathered around the small TV that sat behind the counter at Vivre. Jessica was perched in her usual spot on the counter, next to Emily, who was Sam's girlfriend. Garrett was sitting in a backwards chair, his chest leaning against the back of it. Sam was leaned back between Emily's legs, watching the movie as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"I AM A GOLDEN GOD!" Garrett and Sam yelled together. Jessica laughed and clapped her hands.

"God this movie is just so… great," she finished quietly. Her eyes glossed over for a second before she shook her head and smiled when Tiny Dancer played thought the TV speakers. I had seen Almost Famous more times than I could ever count, but it didn't hold the same appeal as it had before. Parts of it hit just a little too close to home now.

I tuned out the sound of the movie and went back to quietly plucking the strings on my guitar. It had been five months since I started taking lessons. I wasn't fabulous, but at least I didn't suck as much as I thought I would. Garrett was able to figure out that I learned better with less structure, so instead of trying to teach me other people's songs, he taught me how to make my own.

The feeling of the strings under my fingers relaxed me. I had taken to pulling it out and playing, even when I didn't have the notes or tune in my head. I would randomly pull the stings between my fingers, listening to the different sounds they each made, while the fingers on my other hand would run over the neck of the guitar, fret by fret. I now had the same familiar calluses on my finger tips that Edward had, and I often caught myself absentmindedly running them over my arm. It was a reminder of something I needed to let go of, but couldn't just yet. Garrett must have caught the sadness on my face. He threw a paperclip at me and gave me an encouraging smile. I threw it back to him and shook my head.

Since my first lesson, I had learned a lot about the people who spent most of their time here. Garrett, while claiming to love music too much to do professionally, was actually a very good musician. When he played, it was almost like you could feel the environment around him changing into what he wanted it to be. He was very charismatic and a thrill seeker. His arms were covered in tattoos, each of which had a story, and all fascinating to hear about.

His little sister, Tanya, was shy and reserved; the total opposite to her big brother. She took after their grandmother, Charlotte. You could look at Tanya and her grandmother and tell by their eyes that they had a past that haunted them, and they both tried extremely hard to be "okay" for their family. Neither one of them normally left the store's office that was in the back of the building. I had heard Tanya singing along with her brother once, and even though her voice was absolutely amazing, she stopped as soon as she saw me.

Sam was still a bit of a mystery. All I really knew was that he had a temper that he worked very hard to control, and Emily was really the only one that could keep him from going into an all out rage. Thankfully I didn't know this from first hand experience, but by the few stories Garrett had told me. Sam was tall enough that he towered over all of us; my head would hardly reach the top of his shoulders. His eyes were normally flat and emotionless, unless Emily was near him, then they seemed to soften slightly. Emily had left her family back in New Mexico to follow Sam to Texas when she was only sixteen. Neither one of them talked about what had happened, almost as if their life before moving here never existed. She was tiny in stature, even shorter than me, and had long dark hair that reached the middle of her back. Emily had a large scar on the side of her neck. Tattooed next to it was a heart. She played the guitar really well, but had confided that the violin was her favorite. She never played it though, because she said it made her feel dorky.

Then there was Jessica. She talked constantly, even when there wasn't anything to be said, and had absolutely no secrets from anyone. She laid her entire life story on the table the night of my second lesson while I waited for Garrett. She was born in California, and moved here to be with some guy she had met on the internet. Jessica had been sure it was love; the guy just thought she was nice to look at. He led her on to believe that he loved her, until she got pregnant. She had an abortion, because it was what he wanted, and then left her two months later. The tattoo on the back of her neck, were the notes to the chorus of the lullaby Baby Mine. She hummed the song when she worked, claiming that it relaxed her. She played the guitar, but also messed around on Peter's drums that were in the practice rooms.

Together, they made a hodge-podge of people that was a fascinating eclectic family. Peter and Charlotte employed all of them, even though there was hardly enough business to justify it. Garrett told me that his grandfather had more money than they knew what to do with, thanks to some inheritance he had gotten in his younger years. Peter let all of them work there because he knew no one else would help them. He had taught most of them how to play one instrument or another, and was really like a hippie version of Daddy Warbucks. He gave them jobs, let them rent apartments from him, and would randomly fill their cabinets with food and their closets with clothes. He reminded me a lot of Carlisle, with his calming blue eyes that seemed to know more than they should. I couldn't look him in the eyes for very long; it made my heart ache.

Another paperclip hit my forehead. I looked up to see four sets of eyes looking at me.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked. They all laughed when I realized the movie was over.

Jessica sighed. "Are you going with us tonight? To the Monkey?"

She looked so hopeful, thinking that maybe I would finally give in and say yes. I felt bad when I shook my head no and muttered apologies. They had been asking me for months to go with them to a club called the Chugging Monkey, and I always turned them down. Like always, Jessica would pout while Emily patted my arm and gave me a friendly smile. I waved as they walked out of the door and smiled when Garrett leaned across the counter and watched me.

"Still?" he quietly asked. I sighed, putting my guitar back in its case, and nodded. "Bella, you know it's okay to live life right? You don't have to sit at home and pine away for someone… something that might never be again."

He spoke the truth, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt less when I heard it. Garrett knew very little about my "problems", but enough to know that it involved a guy that broke my heart. I never told him that guy was Edward Cullen, and Garrett had named him "my musician". He knew that "my musician" lived in the Pacific Northwest, had green eyes, and still owned my heart. Garrett also knew that I left the majority of my friends I considered family behind when I moved back to Texas. He asked me if they picked his side, and I explained that I picked it for them by leaving. Garrett called me brave, and I blushed because I knew I wasn't.

During lessons, or while I was hanging out at the store afterwards, he would ask me random questions about Edward. I would answer as honestly as I could, but never admitted anything that would point to the fact that my musician was the famous Edward Cullen.

"What are you so afraid of, Bella?" Garrett asked quietly. He took the case out of my hand and stood in front of me. "Is it because you think if you make new friends, that you're letting go of the old ones?"

"No," I said stubbornly. The answer was really yes. I love the memories I have of my old friends. I didn't want to forget them, forget what we had all experienced, even if some of those memories hurt when I thought about them.

"Would your musician or your other friends want you to be this unhappy? Living a life that was half way?" He asked me. Garrett's head leaned to the side, looking at my face.

Sighing in defeat, I shook my head. I knew Edward wouldn't, none of them would. Jasper and Alice kept asking me if I was having fun and going out with the people from the store. I always lied and said yes, even though they knew it wasn't true. Jasper knew I would leave the store after my lessons and drive back home. He knew I would sit in my old bedroom at my parent's house and pluck on my guitar strings until my fingers ached.

I knew that Jasper and Alice weren't keeping that information to themselves. Rosalie's emails and text messages always included words telling me to stop moping around. Esme had called and talked to me for an hour and a half, telling me that I needed to move forward. All of that was a hell of a lot easier said than done.

"Alright, how about a deal?" Garrett asked. "You try it, just once. Go with us, listen to the music, hang out, and then if you don't have a good time, I will make sure Jessica never asks you again."

I snorted and shook my head. "You can't promise that."

"Come on Bella," he said quietly. "Don't lock yourself away from the world." Garrett's eyes were very persuasive, and before I knew it, I had agreed to go to the Chugging Monkey.

We were sitting at a table in the back, listening to some kid play a sax. He was really pretty good considering he was only sixteen, and playing in front of close to two hundred people. His cheeks blushed as everyone clapped after his set, and I couldn't help but smile.

Jessica swayed in her seat while a small band played after him. Her eyes closed and she was lost in her own mind and in the music. Sam and Emily were leaned into each other, talking and smiling. I tried not to look at the two of them.

"Did your musician play in clubs? Or just street performing?" Garrett asked.

I nodded, shivering when he leaned into me so that I could hear him. I discreetly moved away and looked down at the table. "He played in clubs…"

"Does he still?" He asked louder. Not leaning into me this time.

"No," I shook my head. "Not that I know of at least."

The two of us sat at the table in comfortable silence after everyone left to either dance or meet up with other friends. I pretended to pay attention to the band playing, but I honestly couldn't tell you what they sang. After they finished, the club was relatively quiet, just the sound of people talking filled the space.

"Will _you _ever play in a club?" Garrett asked me. His elbow nudged mine when I just gave him a blank look. "What? Come on, one of the best things about music is actually playing for people. So far the only person you've played for is me."

I shook my head. "I play for… well… my friend Jasper heard me play."

"Bella," Garrett said with a sigh. He shook his head and gave me a weary smile. "There is a boldness that you possess, but you have no idea that it's even there. It's hidden away… but I see it. I see that bravery and one day I really hope you'll see it too."

My head started to shake side to side, telling him no, but he reached out and lightly held my chin to stop me. Reluctantly I looked up at him and sighed.

"Whatever broke you, Bella," he looked at me for a second and then let go of my chin. "I wish I could put you back together, but only you can do that. No one can help you, if you aren't willing to help yourself."

"I….I'm not… broken," I muttered. I knew it was a lie, and so did Garrett.

"Why did you want to learn to play the guitar?" He asked me. It was the same question he had been asking for weeks.

"It's comforting," I told him. It was the same response I had been giving him for weeks.

Garrett shook his head. "If it's so comforting, then why are you still so miserable? Why don't you share that comfort with other people?"

"Because I suck," I snapped at him. "You think that just because you've known me for a few months that because you've taught me guitar lessons… that you know me. You don't know me, Garrett."

He looked at me for a second before his eyes flickered. "I can tell you exactly who you are, Bella Swan."

I snorted in disbelief and shook my head.

"You have a passion for something, but I don't think you really know what it is yet. You have a natural desire to put other people ahead of you, not only because you're genuinely selfless, but also because it takes the attention off of yourself," Garrett said, keeping his eyes focused on mine. "Your heart has been broken, but that isn't what holds you back. Fear… is what makes you a prisoner in your own life. And you will continue to be that way until you make the decision to let it go. I don't think you want to let it go though. You hold onto it so tightly because you've let this fear, this heartache, define who you are."

My mouth fell open as I listened to him. I shook my head, trying to argue with what he had said but I couldn't. There were people who had known me my whole life that didn't understand me, but yet some guy who I had known for five months could figure that out.

Garrett shook his head in frustration and slid off of his chair. "Bella, I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but you have got to start living your life again. You have to take chances and let people in to your life, or you will end up miserable… and alone. You deserve a lot better than that."

I watched as he muttered something about going home, and I nodded when he said he would see me next week at my lesson. He walked away from the table, stopping to tell Sam that he was leaving. I watched as he walked out of the door and knew that even if I didn't want to hear it, he was right. So were Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and Esme. They were all right, and if I didn't start listening to what they were saying, it would get to the point that I couldn't fix the mess that my life had become. That night, while I was lying in bed at my parent's house I came up with a plan. It wasn't much of a plan, but it was a start.

Waiting a week until my next lesson wasn't an option, so I took the next day off of work and made my way back to Austin. I walked into Vivre to see Jessica in her usual spot, this time with a pink guitar sitting in her lap. Peter was behind the register, singing an old Johnny Cash song while Jessica played along.

"Bella!" Jessica called. I waved as Peter smiled and Jessica stopped playing. "I thought your lesson was Wednesday?" She asked, eyeing the guitar case in my hand.

"Yeah," I nodded and nervously shifted from foot to foot. "I was um… wondering if Garrett was here. I kind of need to ask him something."

Peter nodded, his blue eyes twinkling. "He's back in practice room four."

I thanked him and promised Jessica I would be back to talk to her before I left then made my way back into the small rooms. Sam was in one of them, pounding away on a drum set while Emily sat in a chair nodding along. I waved at both of them and kept walking to the end of the hallway. Once I reached the fourth room, I looked in the small window and saw Garrett playing. He was rocking back and forth on the stool and shaking his head to the melody. I sighed and gently knocked on the glass. He looked up and nodded for me to come inside.

"What are you doing here?" He asked quietly. His fingers kept running over the guitar strings.

"Um," I muttered, trying to balance my guitar case in front of me. "I… thought about what you said."

Garrett nodded.

"What you said, was… really… honest. I know that I tend to hide… or avoid… but I don't want to be that person anymore," I said, stumbling over the words I had been practicing all day. "I…Okay. I used to write a lot, and I can't anymore. It's like I have this block that I can't work around and I really want to because it helped me so much. So I think that… maybe I should write a song because the music makes things so much easier. I can just focus… and the words are easier to get out…"

Garrett had stopped playing and was looking at me.

I ignored his gaze and kept plowing through my prepared speech. "So I was thinking that maybe you could help me. That maybe you could help me write it and then… maybe when we're ready then I could play it… and you could sing it… at a club…"

My voice trailed off lamely and I bit my bottom lip nervously while he continued to sit there and look at me. I was a few seconds away from telling him to just forget it, when Garrett jumped off of the stool he was sitting on and wrapped his arm around my neck, pulling me into a one armed hug. It was definitely awkward and uncomfortable, but at least I knew he was excited about my idea.

After a few seconds he let me go. His smile was so big that it was hard not to smile back. "I think that is a fucking great idea, Bella. Seriously, I… I'm so proud of you for even considering this."

"Really?" I asked. "I mean… I know I'm not very good, but if we go somewhere small and maybe even play it for everyone here first…"

"It will be great, Bella. You will be great," he reassured me.

I let out a breath I was holding and nodded, "Okay… then where do we start?"

He laughed and took the guitar case away from me. I followed him over to the table sitting in the corner, and the two of us sat down and started composing my first song. We worked tirelessly through nights and days, to the point that I had quit my job at the restaurant. I still had quite a bit of money saved from the money Edward had given me, not to mention that living with my parent's was relatively cheap. My days and nights were either spent at the store or on my parent's back porch, composing, writing, and playing.

I would have been a liar if I said that my thoughts of Edward weren't laced though all of the lyrics and melodies that I created. The song was haunting and twisted, but it was also beautiful and honest. It was a lot like… me. It had its flaws, but in the end, those flaws were what made the difference.

Garrett made me promise that I wouldn't hold back, and I really tried not to. I wanted to put everything I had into this song. I wanted people to feel the desperation in my words, but the hopefulness in the music. It was like day and night, light and darkness. You couldn't have one without the other, because they didn't make sense if you took them apart.

A month after I had originally come up with the idea, I was standing in a dark hallway of a rundown bar on the outskirts of town. It was very low-key and hardly anyone was there, but I was still a nervous wreck. I wasn't worried about the song really, because I knew it was honest and heartfelt. But I _was_ worried about my ability to play, especially in front of people I didn't know. I had almost had a panic attack last week when we played it for everyone at the store, so tonight was just as bad, if not worse.

Garrett asked me if I was okay, and I shook my head no. "I don't think… I can't do this. Just… get Sam to play it instead."

"Bella," Garrett's calming voice broke through my panic. "Take a deep breath. Breathe, remember? It's just music. It's just sharing that comfort that you love, that's all it is."

I nodded and took a deep breath, "Okay. I'm… just so nervous… what if I fuck it up?"

He laughed and shook his head, "Bella, you know this, front to back and side to side. This is your baby and it will be amazing."

My throat did that weird constriction thing that makes your mouth water when you know you're about to hurl. I took a deep breath and swallowed against the feeling. I refused to back out of this, I could do it. I would do it.

After we were announced, I followed Garrett onto the small stage. I smiled and had to keep from laughing when Jessica started whistling loudly, with Sam and Emily clapping enthusiastically next to her. Ben gave me a kind smile that warmed my heart and made me calmer. I slid onto my stool and set my guitar on my lap.

"Ready?" Garrett whispered.

I nodded, and after a deep breath I slowly started strumming the chords that I had written. My eyes closed as Garrett started singing, and it was like everyone sitting in front of us disappeared. The only thing I could hear or focus on was the music. The notes and lyrics wrapped around me, holding me together and easing the constant ache that sat in my chest.

"It's always been you…" Garrett sang smoothly. His voice mixing with the soft and slow melody I was strumming.

When it ended my eyes slowly opened and I focused on the wall at the back of the club. I felt… better, lighter even. But something was different; the feeling in my chest was different. I shook my head, smiling and hugging Garrett while we celebrated my first live performance.

"So?" he asked me once we were back in the hallway. "What did I tell you?"

"It was… nothing like what I thought it would be," I smiled. He hugged me again, kissing the top of my head. I carefully pulled away from him because _that_ gesture was a little too familiar.

If my actions offended him, he didn't show it. Instead he just laughed and moved aside when Jessica ran at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. It was followed by hugs from Sam and Emily and eventually even Ben.

We stayed at the small bar, celebrating and thanking people when they came to tell us how much they liked the song. I laughed and smiled real smiles with my new friends, realizing that Garrett had been right. Just because I made new memories didn't mean that it replaced the old ones.

I went home that night and sat on the bed in my old bedroom. I had had fun tonight, and it was oddly comforting that people liked the song. It was liberating to know that I could play a song that I had written. It was enjoyable to create new memories with new friends, and to really live again. It was a great feeling to really laugh and really smile with them.

But as I sat there, replaying the night in my head, I realized what that new feeling in my chest was. It wasn't the same anger or sadness that had sat there for nearly two years now, but it was something close to longing. It wasn't just for Edward, but also for Jasper and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett. I missed my friends, and I really wish that they could have been there tonight to hear me.

Without stopping to think I pulled my phone out of my purse. I scrolled through the list of contacts until I came to one that I hadn't used in a long while.

_I wrote a song and played it tonight at a club. I'm playing the guitar, did you know that? It was great, but I wish that you had been there. I miss you._

I hit the send button and watched as my phone gave me a confirmation that my text had been sent to Edward's cell phone. I expected to feel panic or maybe even regret, but I didn't. It was the truth; I wish that Edward had been there tonight. I wish that all of them had been there.

Jessica had been right when she said that music healed, because for the first time in a long time I was able to feel hopeful. I felt the peace and understanding that had been absent since Edward had told me the truth. I picked up the list of things I had planned to accomplish and checked two things off of the list. One was to write a song and the other was to perform it live.

My phone vibrated and I opened the text message that was waiting for me.

_I wish I could have been there. I miss you Bella, and I hope that whatever you're doing, that you're happy._

Without hesitating I wrote back a response.

_I'm getting there. Remember to be great Edward, you promised. Good night._

I smiled and turned my phone off, knowing that I could sit here all night and text back and forth with him. That would eventually lead to one of us giving in and calling the other, and I wasn't ready for that. I wanted peace with him, and eventually maybe even a friendship. But I needed to be careful. I needed to make sure that I wouldn't turn into the same Bella that dropped everything just to make him happy. I needed to make sure that I didn't disappear again.

**A/N: through sickness and the almost tragic death of my iPod, I managed to get this chapter finished. I lost my Groupie soundtrack, but I am working on recreating it. Thanks as always to each and every one of you! Maggie… you may now wear the pretty princess glitter crown.**

**What's yalls favorite music movie? Almost Famous is one of my all time favs, but Air Heads is another one I love.**


	16. Unfold

**I don't own Twilight, this song, or anything else that has made money. I do own more flip-flops than I will ever want to admit though.**

_*****Format for this chapter is a little different. The lyrics are all in bold, and are all from the same song. We are pushing through quite a bit of time here, so bear down and enjoy! The months are just Bella's account of what has happened the months after her first performance.*****_

"**I don't wanna go on living, being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. And even though my feet are trembling, every word I say comes stumbling, I will bare it all. Watch me unfold." Unfold, Marie Digby**

*******

_**August**_

"**My soul, it's dying to be free. I can't live the rest of my life so guarded. It's dying to be free. It's up to me to choose what kind of life I lead."**

Letting go was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but it came with the most rewards. I wasn't forgetting Edward, or what we had been through. I wasn't letting go of my friends from my life in Seattle. I was just letting go of the hurt and frustration, giving myself the opportunity to move forward, finally.

I marked another thing off of my list, I moved out of my parent's house. I got a job at the bookstore a few doors down from Vivre, and was currently sharing an apartment with Jessica. Doing normal things, like having girl's nights out or sitting in our pajamas watching old movies, made me feel normal. I spend the majority of my time reading old books or writing new music.

Alice and Jasper call every now and then, I know that both of them are incredibly busy with Edward's new CD. I want to promise myself that I will listen to it, not only because it's Edward, but also because Jasper worked so hard on it. But, I know when it's released I won't be able to. Instead I will go home and write until all of my frustration and guilt is washed away in the melody I will create.

I got a call from Jasper telling me that Edward's tour is starting in Austin, on my birthday. I wish that I was naïve enough to think it's nothing more than a coincidence, but I know it isn't. Everyone from the store wants to go, but I can't. I wrote five songs the week after I find out.

_**September**_

I got really good tickets to Edward's show for my friends, telling them that I won them in a radio contest. The truth is that Jasper and Alice asked me if I was going. I tell them I can't and they seem to understand, offering tickets for my new friends.

The night of the concert I pretended to have a horrible migraine. I smiled and watch as Jessica got dressed up and eventually left me alone in our apartment. Two hours after she left, I drove to the center where the show was. I sat in the parking lot, listening to the muffled music that is loud enough to filter through the building. I sent Jasper a text message, letting him know that I was there. He eventually found me and together the two of us sat on the hood of my car.

"Are you scared to see Edward?" Jasper quietly asked me.

"It isn't seeing him or even hearing him. I'm just scared of falling back into the numbing silence that I lived in for seventeen months," I tried to explain.

I wanted a better excuse, something that doesn't make me seem so fragile. I missed Edward and I missed his music. But I can't quite let go of the fear of loosing the progress I've made.

"He did all of this for you," Jasper told me. "The album, the tour… he did all of it, to be great for you."

I started crying and leaned against Jasper. The familiarity of his arms was the biggest comfort I'd had in a long time. The two of us sat there listening until the music finally stopped and people started filtering out of the doors.

That night I sat in bed and tried to convince myself that I had done the right thing. But I know that not going to his concert will be one of the biggest regrets I will ever have in my life. As a pathetic consolation, I sent Edward a text message.

_I wish I could have been there, and hope that someday I will be able to hear you sing again. I miss you, and I am definitely proud of you. _

It took several minutes before I got a response back from him. When I do, it doesn't make me feel any better.

_I hope that someday you will really forgive me. I love you Bella. Happy birthday._

That night I wrote an entire song based on that one text message. I've never play it for anyone else though, because it breaks my heart to even hear the opening notes.

_**December**_

It's been two years since I left Seattle. Two years of trying to make myself live again, of losing and regaining hope. Two years of losing myself, only to find out that I probably didn't really even know _me_ to begin with.

The day before Christmas Eve, I asked Garrett and Jessica to go with me to their tattoo shop with me. Both of them ask me if I am sure that I want this, and I know that I am. It wasn't a decision I had made on a whim, but had actually thought about it for quite a while.

Christmas day my father got pissed because I got a tattoo, even though it is tiny and on the inside of my wrist. The small peace sign that sits next to a heart and a music note explains more about the past two years of my life that I ever could. And I know that it will never be something I regret.

***

"**You see, I'm the bravest girl you'll ever come to meet. Yet, I shrink down to nothing at the thought of someone really seeing me. I think my heart is wrapped around and tangled up in winding weeds."**

_**March**_

I sat on a stool on the middle of a stage and play several of my original songs. Jessica sang the lyrics I'd written, and I can't help but feel immensely proud of myself.

This is the first time that my parent's have heard me play, really play. I smiled and watch the crowd, instead of closing my eyes and shying away from the attention.

That night I met a girl who tells me that one of my songs made her heart ache less, because she felt like someone else understood how she was feeling. That was one of the most humbling moments in my life.

_**May**_

The most unconventional wedding I have ever attended was Sam and Emily's. I stood with Jessica and Tanya in the middle of the store and watch as two of my newest and dearest friends commit their lives to each other. Instead of it leaving me feeling depressed, I felt hopeful. Their love for each other was beautiful and inspiring.

A week later, Garrett asked me to go on a date with him. I told him I couldn't. It wouldn't be fair for him to want me in that way, when my heart won't ever be his. In true Garrett fashion, he wont take no for an answer and I end up having dinner with him anyway. That trend continues, and even though I keep telling him that I can't ever love him, he tells me he doesn't care.

I finally started to write again, without music.

_**August**_

I know that Alice and Jasper are still on tour with Edward, somewhere in Europe. I've emailed Edward a couple of times; it still feels awkward and forced. I miss the days when things were easy and uncomplicated between us. I've started to miss the sound of his voice again.

Garrett, Jessica and Sam decided to start a band. They call themselves The Fakers, and it is oddly fitting for all of them. Even though they persistently asked me to be a member of the band, I politely refused. Instead, I opt to sit in the crowd with Emily, and watch them. It's fitting, but the first time someone mentioned the word "groupie" I had to keep from screaming at them.

*******

"**These hands that I hold behind my back are bound and broken from my own doing. And I can't feel anything anymore. I need a touch to remind me I'm still real. I don't wanna go on living, being so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. And even though my feet are trembling, every word I say comes stumbling, I will bare it all. Watch me unfold… watch me unfold…"**

_**January**_

I sat beside Jasper, watching him as he listened to the crappy little CD I had made with Garrett and Jessica. It wasn't unusual for Jasper to just randomly come visit, but it was weird for him to show up with Rosalie. She was currently in my bathroom getting ready to go see The Fakers play tonight.

"You wrote all of those?" He asked me with a smile.

"Yeah. Shocking right?" I laughed and took the portable CD player back from him.

"No, what's shocking is that you still have a Discman. Where the hell did you even find that?"

I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm and set the player back on the coffee table. The comfortable silence between us only lasted a few minutes before Jasper turns to face me, and I braced myself to hear whatever it is that he's been holding in.

"Have you talked to Edward?" He asked me.

"Not since Christmas," I muttered. My hands instinctively started to fidget and I tried to stop myself when Jasper noticed.

"So you have no idea why we're here? Or what's happening Sunday night?"

"No, Jasper," I pushed away from the couch and started straightening things on our dining table. When he got up and followed me, I shook my head to stop him. "Jasper I can't… right now. Okay?"

"No, not okay," he basically yelled at me. I have to admit, that it was quite intimidating. "Your best friend was nominated for a fucking Grammy, Bella. He was nominated for five, actually."

"What?" I whispered while sinking into the closest chair.

"Yeah," Jasper nods angrily. "You… Bella, God damnit!"

I watched him as he started pacing back and forth, growing more and more agitated.

"I want to be on your side here, Bella, I really do! But you have no fucking idea how hard it was to see Edward when it was announced! It was like he wanted to be happy, like he wanted to proud of what we all accomplished. Instead, he fucking looks at me and says 'I wish Bella was here'. That's it! That's the only reaction he had to one of the biggest moments of his life!" Jasper yelled at me.

My eyes closed and I slowly shook my head, brushing the tears off of my cheeks. "Japser…"

"Bella, I get that he hurt you, I understand that. But it's been three fucking years and both of you are so miserable that I can't handle this anymore. He loves you Bella, hardcore-wants-a-happy-ever-after-fucking-loves-you. And judging from that CD you had me listen to, you love him too!"

I heard him stop in front of me, and I sighed when he knelt down in front of me.

"You have to go Bella. You have to go to and be there for him. If you don't, I know you will regret it every day for the rest of your life." Jasper's voice was softer, but it was still urgent and pleading.

I opened my eyes to look at him, hating the guilt that his eyes made me feel.

"Bella, please…" he begged. It absolutely broke my heart.

My mind was racing, trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do. Before I could get anything out of my mouth my phone started ringing. Jasper gave me a reproachful look as I picked it up and answered it.

I pushed away from the table, listening as Garrett asked me to bring something to the club with me. I smiled when Rosalie rejoined us, and tried to listen to her talking to Jasper while I was still on the phone with Garrett. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I kept lying and saying everything was fine. He eventually let it go, and I sat the phone back on the counter.

"I have to go by the record store before we go to the club," I said quietly. "So… I guess we need to leave soon."

Rosalie gave me a look that was borderline threatening, but didn't say anything. As we were leaving the apartment, Jasper grabbed my arm and made me look at him.

"When we get back, we have to finish talking about this." His voice was stern. I nodded and led both of them downstairs.

I thought that it might have been easy to mix my old friends with my new ones, but whatever preconceived ideas I had flew out the window as soon as Garrett met Jasper. I instinctively introduced Jasper as my best friend, and Garrett immediately got all territorial. Jasper just smirked and found a table for us to sit at once the show actually started. Thankfully, everyone else seemed to get along.

Jessica was going on and on about how cute she thought Jasper was, remembering him from the first time I had ever come in to the store. I reminded her that he was married, and thankfully that also seemed to make Garrett chill out. However, it didn't stop him from grabbing onto my hand or standing entirely too close to me. Eventually I gave up and rejoined Rosalie and Jasper out front.

"Who is that guy?" Rosalie asked. Her voice carried, and it definitely wasn't overlooked.

"Garrett," I answered quietly. "He's um… well he taught me how to play. We worked on a lot of songs together."

"Are you together?"

I shook my head and focused on finding a pattern in the tiles on the floor. Jasper cleared his throat, obviously trying to get Rosalie to drop it. She didn't take the hint.

"Listen, Bella, I only came with Jasper because I knew you would freak out about this. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Edward three years ago. Grow the fuck up, and see what's right in front of you," she whispered harshly.

I glared at her, about ready to tell her to shut the hell up but Jessica's voice echoed through the microphone and I snapped my mouth shut. I heard Rosalie sigh and reluctantly looked at her.

"Bella, I'm not saying that to hurt you. But can you honestly tell me that you're happy here? You're playing the groupie all over again… for someone you don't even love! Maybe I could understand it if Edward didn't love you and didn't want to be with you, but Bella he does! He made that entire CD for you, and you've never even listened to it."

"What CD?" I shook my head at her.

For a second I thought that she might hit me, her face was so angry, but then she just laughed bitterly. Rosalie leaned into me and said, "The CD that he gave you when he apologized, Bella. The one that he wrote twelve original songs for, all of which, were specifically for you."

"Oh my God," I whispered. How could I forget about that? How could I forget what he told me when he gave it to me? Without stopping to think, I jumped off of the stool I was sitting on and ran for the front door.

I hadn't even made it down the sidewalk when I heard someone running after me. I stopped and turned around, planning on telling Jasper to just give me a few seconds. However, I stopped completely when I saw that it was Garrett and not Jasper.

"What?" I shook my head at him. "You have a show!" I pointed back at the club.

"Fuck the show, Bella," he muttered. "I know something's going on, and I know you never want to tell me… but I just… are you okay?"

I tried to tell him that I was fine, even though it was perfectly obvious I wasn't. I was in the middle of trying to explain that I just needed to go back to the apartment and that I would call him later, but was stopped when he suddenly leaned forward and kissed me. His hands held the sides of my face, and my immediate protest was muffled by his lips against mine.

The tears that I had been holding in finally escaped while Garrett's lips softly moved against mine. If I was any other normal girl, I would have loved this. I would have been ecstatic that someone as caring and honest as Garrett was even remotely interested in me. But I wasn't a normal girl. And he wasn't Edward.

"Please stop," I whispered against his lips. He did what I asked, leaning his forehead against mine as his fingers threaded into the back of my hair.

"I knew," he said quietly. "I knew that something was coming… something that would take you away from me. I just… I had to try, Bella."

I nodded as his fingers gently wiped away the tears that were still falling down my face. "If I was any other girl, under any other circumstances…" I muttered and he smiled.

"If you were any other girl, you wouldn't be you," Garrett whispered. "I knew that you couldn't ever be mine. You're still his, and you always will be."

Nodding, I slowly pulled away from him. "I'm sorry..."

He smiled and both of us looked over his shoulder as Jasper and Rosalie's footsteps echoed on the pavement. His fingers gently traced over the inside of my wrist before he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I hugged him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and whispering more apologies.

"Can I just ask who is he?" Garrett asked me once I let him go. "Can I at least get a name?"

I smiled and nodded as Jasper and Rosalie awkwardly waited for me. "Edward Cullen," I said softly and shrugged my shoulder's when his eyes widened.

He looked at Jasper and Rosalie for confirmation. Jasper nodded while Rosalie just rolled her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest.

"I never stood a chance," he said sarcastically and shook his head. Laughing, I leaned forward and kissed his cheek before telling him goodbye. Garrett smiled and I watched as he walked back towards the club.

I all but ran back to the apartment, with Jasper and Rosalie following behind me. Once we got there, I started pulling out boxes that I had yet to unpack. I prayed that I hadn't accidently left it at my parent's house, and really started panicking when I was down to the last box.

Rosalie was sitting on my bed, idly flipping through pictures, while Jasper helped me the best that he could. Eventually her continuous sighing was grating on my nerves and I all but begged her to go watch TV. She finally agreed and I continued to dig through the last box.

"So you're coming? To LA?" Jasper quietly asked me.

I shook my head and emptied a shoebox of pictures onto my lap. "I dunno, J."

"Are you kidding me?" He asked loudly. "Bella… Edward needs you to be there!"

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I knew I should go, I wanted to go… but I was so fucking scared of what could happen. "Jasper, you have no idea how fucking hard this is! How fucking scared I am to even think about letting myself admit the fact that I love him! You and Alice… you're perfect for each other. You've known since day one that she was meant for you…"

He laughed sarcastically and sat on the floor next to me. "Do you really think it's that easy, Bella?"

I just shrugged and shook my head. "You make it look easy…"

"Love isn't easy. We had to… still have to… work continuously to make it. It wasn't easy to love someone who had been abandoned by her family, Bella. She was constantly pushing me away, scared that I would eventually leave her too. It isn't easy to be in a marriage where someone else's career is the focal point of most of our days. It isn't easy to live in a hotel the majority of the year. But we make it work because we love each other, because we need each other!" Jasper explained passionately. "Love is scary, and it always will be. But it is worth it. It's worth the fight and worth… every single ounce of heartache that I felt before I met her!"

I watched as he shook his head in frustration and pulled a CD case out of the array of crap that was now sitting on my bedroom floor. He handed me the case and then tossed the Discman at me. I dumbly watched as he got up off the floor and ran his hands through his hair.

"If you love him, Bella," he shook his head and looked back at me, "you have to be willing to let go of everything. You have to forgive him and trust him."

He left my bedroom and shut the door behind him. I slowly looked down at the CD case and carefully opened it. A folded piece of paper fell into my lap, but ignored it until I loaded the CD into the player, hit play, and put the headphones on. As a slow guitar melody filtered through the earpieces, I unfolded the paper and smiled at the handwriting that I saw.

_I love you more than I can ever explain, but I hope that someday you will give me the chance to at least try. My heart is yours forever, if you'll have it. Edward_

My eyes closed as his voice wrapped around me, comforting me like a warm blanket. I listened to his words, all of which were created specifically for me, and let them mend the jagged and broken pieces of my heart.

I had tried for so long to figure out who I was, or what I was supposed to be. I had fought back the feelings of love and adoration that I associated with Edward because I was too scared to see what admitting them would cause. I had spent three years trying to make sense of my life, trying to prove to myself that I had learned from my mistakes. But it wasn't until I heard Edward's voice singing about how much he loved me that I realized who and what I was. I was just some ordinary girl, in love with an extraordinary guy that I thought would never love me back. Even when he admitted that he did, I was too scared to believe him. I was a selfish idiot, who had wasted so much time ignoring what was obviously right in front of me. I had a chance to make this right, to fix both of our broken hearts, and I knew I had to take it.

Pushing myself off the floor, I was shocked to see that it was nearly five in the morning. I'd been listening to his… my… CD for over six hours. In a panicked rush I grabbed my cell phone and called the only airline I knew that flew from Austin to LA. I booked three tickets on the first flight out, and then ran into the living room to find Jasper sprawled out on the couch. I basically ran to him and shook him as hard I could.

"What…" he mumbled. "What's wrong?"

"We have to go!" I yelled, completely forgetting about Jessica. I left Jasper lying there and ran into the guest room where Rosalie was sleeping. "Rosalie, wake up! We have to be at the airport in an hour!"

"Where are we going?" Jasper asked through a yawn.

"LA!" I yelled and ran back into my bedroom. "We're going to LA!"

*******

"**I will allow someone to love me… I will allow someone to love me…"**

**A/N: *silly grin* Obviously I do not know anything about the music business, so if I get something's wrong then please just pretend they're correct. A million and one thank-you's to each and every one of you. Maggie, you are awesome. **


	17. Falling Slowly

**I don't own Twilight or anything else. **

"**Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice. You've made it now. Falling slowly, sing your melody. I'll sing along." **

**Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, from the movie Once**

The apartment that was normally a quite sanctuary had literally been turned upside down. Rosalie was trying to help me pack, throwing the most ridiculous clothes I owned into my suitcase, while I argued with her. Jasper was running back and forth between my car and the apartment, trying to make sure that everything was packed. Poor Jessica had just muttered best wishes and gone back to bed. At some point in time, Garrett had walked over from next door to complain about all of the noise. Instead, he watched in amusement while I ran back and forth.

"Rosalie, I am not wearing that damn dress!" I yelled at her, my mouth full of toothpaste.

"You can not show up in some pair of jeans!" She yelled back at me. "It's the fucking Grammys!"

I quickly spit and rinsed my mouth out before running back into my bedroom and going straight for the closet. I pushed aside several dresses, including the one I had worn to the VMA's that Rosalie was telling me I had to wear.

To appease her, I grabbed it along with a couple of others and threw them into my suitcase. She started to stammer on about the fact that they would all get wrinkled, but I reminded her that the hotel had a laundry service. She groaned but finally gave in.

Ten minutes later, we had all made it downstairs in once piece.

"How far away is the airport?" Rosalie asked Garrett. He had agreed to ride with us and drive my car back, instead of leaving it there.

"Like twenty minutes," he shrugged. They both watched from the back seat as Jasper and I crammed the last of the bags into my car. We all lurched forward as I gunned it and peeled out of the parking lot.

Everyone started talking at once, Jasper and Garrett trying to tell me which roads to take while Rosalie asked random questions, like which airline I had booked. I took deep breaths, trying to remain calm but it wasn't working.

"Bella, you need to get off of I-35 and take Airport Road," Jasper said loudly.

"No," Garrett shook his head. "Airport road is so fucking slow. Take Capital and then…"

"Will we have time to get breakfast before the flight?" Rosalie asked loudly, her voice carried over the other two. "I don't understand why Jasper and I couldn't just take our original flight this afternoon. Did you cancel our reservations? Jasper did you call…"

"CAR RULES!" I screamed. My hand slapped at the windshield, even though there wasn't a cross or anything else hanging from the rearview mirror. "No talking! At all!"

Jasper smiled, but at least had the decency to look out of the window before laughing. Rosalie just snorted and started playing with her cell phone. It was at least five minutes of complete silence before Garrett cleared his throat and carefully asked what "car rules" were. Jasper laughed while Rosalie explained the game. I took another deep breath and focused on getting us there without killing one of my passengers.

We eventually ended up at the airport and after a hurried goodbye to Garrett; the three of us ran inside and up the escalator. With ten minutes to spare, we were checked in and waiting by the gate. Rosalie had wondered off to find food and I was trying to keep myself from having a nervous breakdown.

"Bella, you're doing the right thing," Jasper tried to reassure me.

"What if I've waited too long?" I quietly asked him. "What if… Edward doesn't want me there?"

"Oh, he'll want you there," Rosalie said from behind me. I turned around to see her juggling a bag of bagels and drinks for all of us. "Maybe now he will finally shut the hell up about you." She gave me a reassuring smile when I took the drinks from her.

During the flight, I listened to the CD that Edward had made me, concentrating on the words and letting his voice relax me. When we had a layover in Las Vegas, Jasper called Alice and I basically ripped the phone away from him. I begged her not to tell Edward I was coming. This was one of the biggest moments of his life, and he should be focused on that, not on my dumbass mistakes.

"Is… is he okay? I mean…" I mumbled.

Alice sighed, but I could tell she was smiling. "He's at rehearsals for the show right now. He's just… nervous. It will be fine. We can talk more when you get here."

I agreed and after a quick good-bye, I gave the phone back to Jasper. The rest of the trip I came up with a game plan of exactly how I was going to pull this off. I fought back the fear and anxiety that kept creeping into my chest, reminding myself that this wasn't about me. I was going to LA to be there for Edward, even if it ended up being as a friend and nothing else. I needed to stay calm and keep a level head. I would be there to be there to show my support of his accomplishments, not to drag both of us into a pity party because of our past.

By the time we actually got to LA, I probably looked as awful as I felt. I hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours, and was having to fight to keep my eyes open. Alice met us downstairs at the hotel and led me to the room she had managed to get for me. I didn't even want to know the kind of strings she had been forced to pull to arrange all of this.

"Where's your dress for tomorrow?" She asked once we were in the room and unpacking. I handed her the three I had brought with me and she put them in a laundry bag and called the front desk to come pick them up. Once we were done unpacking, she sat on the bed next to me.

Jasper smiled and looked at both of us. "What's your plan?"

"Um," I shook my head, trying to think straight. "I… just…"

Alice reached over and held onto my hand. "Calm down. Just tell us what you want to do."

"I don't want this to be about me," I said quietly. "Edward… all of you… have worked so hard, and I just… want him to focus on that. Not on me."

"As sweet of a sentiment as that is, it's not going to happen," Alice told me. "The second he finds out that you're here…"

"Exactly," I nodded in agreement. "So I really just… I think its best that I stay here. You guys have that party tonight, and then I can go with Emmett and Rosalie tomorrow night. If… no. _When_ he wins, then at least I will be there to see it. I'll find him afterwards and we can… deal with it then."

Alice nodded. "I'll see if I can get you a balcony seat with Emmett, Rosalie and Carlisle. Edward's taking Esme with him and Jasper and I will be with them. You're sure you don't want to see him now, Bella? I mean…"

I shook my head. "Alice, I've made such a mess of the past three years. I can't mess this up too."

"Okay," she said quietly.

They got up to leave shortly after I promised to at least see Esme and Carlisle tomorrow. Alice also told me to be ready to go nine tomorrow morning, mentioning something about hair and makeup. I agreed and waved as they walked out of the door. I grabbed the Discman, replaced its batteries for the second time today, and slipped under the covers of the bed. The last thing I remember after putting the headphones on was Edward's voice singing that he loved me.

***

"You're sure you're okay?" Alice quietly asked me.

Nodding, I swallowed around the lump that had been in my throat since I had woken up this morning. The truth was that I was definitely _not_ okay. I was sick to my stomach, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, and the fucking steel girders were wrapped around my chest again. But I pretended I was okay, because I knew I had to be. I could be strong enough to make it through today, waiting until all of this was over, before I let myself have the panic attack that was bubbling under the surface.

I had made it through the manicure and hair styling. I even managed to eat a few bites of the lunch Alice had forced at me. When we got back to the hotel, I sat on the couch in Alice and Jasper's suite and held onto the CD player that played the only thing that could calm me down. I rocked back and forth with the music, while my fingers ached for the feeling of guitar strings underneath them.

"Bella, we probably need to start getting dressed," Alice said calmly. I nodded and got off the couch, reluctantly turning my CD player off. "I would offer you a drink, but none of us really drink anymore since Edward…"

"I don't either," I told her. She smiled and I started pulling the three dresses I had brought with me out of the garment bags the hotel had put them in.

All of them were black and none were really appropriate in my opinion. The VMA's were a hell of a lot more laid back than the Grammy Awards, so the shorter dress I had worn then was definitely not making the final cut. I'm pretty sure the other one was a prom dress, and just from looking at it on the hanger, it seemed way too big.

"How long have you even had that?" Alice asked from behind me.

"I think I wore it to prom my senior year," I told her. My voice was muffled as I tried to carefully slip the dress on over my head, and sure enough it was entirely too big. Alice pressed her lips together to keep from laughing as she slipped into the bathroom.

I stared at the only option I had left and pulled it on. It still fit and was floor length, so by default it was the winner. I was straightening the material when Alice walked out of the bathroom and stopped in front of me.

"That's… your bridesmaids dress from our wedding," she said slowly.

"Well, thank God you had good taste."

She laughed and helped me zip the back of my dress the rest of the way up. "You need a necklace or something. Do you have any earrings?"

I shook my head but picked up the small black box that I hadn't opened since I left Seattle. Carefully, I took out the necklace that Esme and Carlisle had given me for my birthday and fastened it around my neck.

"Does it look bad?" I quietly asked Alice. She smiled and shook her head.

"It's perfect," she said in a soft whisper. Alice reached out and squeezed my hands, and I shook my head when her eyes started tearing up.

"Alice… I can't break down yet. I just…" I took a deep breath and shook my head. "I need to do this, without falling apart."

"Bella," Alice spoke softly. "He loves you, and he never gave up on that."

I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to hold the tears back. We were interrupted by a knock on the door and Alice handed me a tissue before leaving to answer it. I carefully dabbed at my eyes and grabbed the small purse off the bed. I could hear Jasper's voice from the sitting area of their room and slowly walked out of the bedroom to join them.

"Carlisle and Esme are on their way up," Alice said as I walked into the room.

"Okay," I nodded and smiled when Jasper gave me a quick hug.

"You look beautiful," he said before kissing the top of my head.

Ignoring the blush that was rising on my cheeks, I straightened his tie. "Where's Edward?" I asked after a second.

"In his room," Jasper said quietly. "Esme wanted to come tell you hello. Then we will go get him and leave. You'll ride with Emmett and them."

"Is he okay? Nervous or anything?"

Jasper laughed and nodded. "Same moody asshole that he always is before shows. He'll be fine, Bella. I promise."

There was another quiet knock on the door and Alice smiled as she opened it.

Whatever tears I had been holding back immediately escaped the second that Esme and Carlisle walked into that room. They both hugged me at the same time, and I tried to make my arms reach around both of them. Esme smiled and pulled me tighter against her, running calming circles on my back while Carlisle kissed the top of my head.

The three of us held on to each other, and although I had promised myself I would try to hold it together, I couldn't. Esme and Carlisle just hugged me and whispered small comforting words as I cried on their shoulders.

It wasn't nerves that were making me a wreck, it was guilt. I had wasted so much time, ignored every opportunity and brushed off Edward's attempts to show me how sorry he was. I let myself believe that I was "healing", and maybe a small part of me was. But realistically I was hiding from everyone and everything I had ever known.

"I'm so sorry," I cried softly. "I… hurt Edward…and…wasted so much…"

"Honey," Esme pulled away from me. She smiled and pulled a delicate handkerchief out of her bag and slowly dabbed at the tears on my cheeks. "The past is the past. What matters is that you both finally woke up."

I nodded and leaned against Carlisle as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"After tonight, both of you can have a clean start," he said quietly. "Focus on the future Bella, not the past."

Hugging both of them again, I tried to force as much affection and appreciation into them as I could. I laughed weakly when I looked up and saw Alice crying.

"I can't help it!" she laughed through the tears. "I'm sensitive!"

We all broke into a quiet laughter that was interrupted by another knock on the door. Jasper opened it and Rosalie and Emmett slipped inside. I bit my lip and smiled as Emmett practically ran at me. The force of his hug nearly knocked me down, but I didn't care.

"Don't ever leave me again!" He yelled over everyone's laughter. I nodded and hugged his shoulders tightly. Emmett eventually let me go, but kept an arm wrapped around my shoulders as we all stood there talking.

"The cars should be here soon," Alice said loudly. "You guys should wait until we've left before you come downstairs, just in case."

"I'm just going to go touch up my make up," I whispered to Rosalie and she nodded.

The bathroom was quiet and calming, I was thankful for the few seconds of silence it offered me. It would only get worse as the night wore on and I knew that. I just had to keep reminding myself that I could do this and that it was for Edward. Taking a deep breath, I opened the small purse Alice had loaned me. I couldn't fit much in there, but I pulled out my lipstick and reapplied it. I figured it probably wouldn't hurt to add a few new tissues to the bag either, but before I did I pulled out two small items.

I smiled as I slipped the tattered and chipped plastic ring onto my finger. I knew it was tacky, but I decided I was going to wear it anyway. That little piece of plastic had been through a lot, and even if it didn't fit in with the shiny real jewelry that everyone else would be wearing, it still deserved to be shown off.

Before I shoved my lipstick and tissues back into my bag, I reread the note that had been with the CD Edward had given me. I closed my eyes and silently prayed that he still felt the same way. If he didn't, then I would find a way to at least stay friends with him. But if he did, and I really hoped he did, I knew I wouldn't ever let him go again.

I rejoined everyone in the sitting room and smiled when I saw Emmett coming back in through the door. I was walking towards the couch to sit down when Alice stopped me.

"I missed one of the hooks on the back of the dress," she explained. I turned around so that she could fix it and nervously ran my hands over my stomach to smooth the fabric. My mouth opened to ask her a question, but I stopped as soon as I heard… him.

"Emmett, why did…"

My eyes closed as Edward's voice filled the now silent room. Alice's hands fluttered as she fixed my dress, and I jumped when she held on to my hands. I opened my eyes and made myself turn around and look at him.

As I turned, I told myself not to cry. I begged myself not to cry. But the second that I saw him standing in the doorway, tears spilled over and slid down my cheeks. I wanted… everything. I wanted our friendship back. I wanted his laughter and lazy crooked smile. I wanted him… the good and the bad, with everything in between that made him who he was.

Edward stared at me, blinking slowly, like he was trying to figure out if I was real or not. Alice let go of my hand, and started moving people out of the room. Carlisle gave Edward's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before he left, while Esme smiled at him. Emmett looked rather smug, and Rosalie's smile matched his. Alice and Jasper were the last to leave, and she turned back to look at me before shutting the door.

Neither one of us moved, instead just stood there staring at the other. Seconds passed into several minutes of complete silence. I wanted to say something… anything. But I couldn't get my brain and mouth to work together. My eyes closed as I took a deep breath, trying to make myself say _something_.

"Bella…" Edward's quite voice spoke, shattering the heavy silence around us. My eyes opened and I looked back at him. "What…" he shook his head and slowly walked towards me.

I wanted to be calm and collected. I really wanted to not make a huge ass of myself, and at least try to appear remorseful that I had royally screwed everything up. But the second that he moved towards me, I closed the distance between us and held on to him for dear life.

"Edward, I'm so... incredibly…sorry," I cried against his shoulder. "I thought that I was doing the right thing but… I… just wasted so much time…"

His arms wrapped around me, and I felt horribly guilty. "I… you…" Edward stuttered. It took him a second, but he eventually spoke a complete sentence. "You're really here."

I nodded and held tightly to his sides.

Edward slowly let me go, but still held on to my shoulders. He leaned down so that he could see my face. I looked up at him, blinking back the tears that were still rolling down my face.

"Bella, I..." he started, but a very distracting knock interrupted him. We both groaned when the door opened and Alice's small head peeked inside.

"I know," she immediately said. "I know you want to kill me, and I would totally let you. But the cars are downstairs and we really have to go."

Edward sighed and I nodded for Alice to come inside. The room started filling back up and I leaned in to Edward.

"We can talk about everything after, okay?" I whispered.

He looked down at me and shook his head. "I'm not going," he said loud enough for everyone to hear. The room erupted in people talking, asking him why or telling him he had to go.

I shook my head and looked up at him. "Edward, you have to go."

"No," he shook his head. "It's just an award. I don't… Jasper can accept it for me if I win."

"Oh my God," Alice groaned and slapped his arm. "You cannot not go Edward! You're performing!"

"It's the Grammys!" Emmett and Jasper yelled at the same time.

Edward shook his head as everyone tried to convince him to go, but none of it fazed him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the corner of the room and shook my head.

"Please, Edward, you have to." I tried to reason with him.

"I'm not going," he said finality. "You…"

"Bella, you go with Edward. I'll sit with Carlisle," Esme offered.

I shook my head frantically, "Esme, no. This is…"

"How it's supposed to be," she finished my sentence for me. Esme kissed my cheek and smiled before doing the same to Edward. "I love both of you."

Alice sighed and started calling someone, while Carlisle and Esme started telling Edward goodbye. I wanted to tell them no, but any time I tried to open my mouth someone spoke over me. Before I knew what was happening I was in a car sitting next to Edward.

The waves of agitation were rolling off of Edward, making me incredibly nervous. I tried to reason with myself, that if he hadn't wanted me to be here, then he would have stopped his mother. He also wouldn't have held on to my hand, or touched my back while we were in the elevator. There was so much that I wanted to tell, mostly apologies. But I also wanted to tell him how happy I was for him. I wanted to tell him I loved him.

Jasper and Alice were talking, trying to ease some of the awkwardness of the situation, but Edward and I hadn't said anything since we left the hotel room. I swallowed and looked down at our hands that were clasped together. Edward's fingers tightened around mine, making me look up at him.

"Your wrist," he said quietly.

I moved my hand so that he could see the small tattoo on the inside of my wrist. Goose bumps fanned out over my arm as his finger slowly traced over the ink.

"When?" He asked me.

My head ducked and whispered, "Christmas, two years ago." From my peripheral vision I saw him nod.

"Your birthday…" he said quietly.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

He nodded again and turned his head to look out of the window. Jasper and Alice both gave me apologetic looks, and I shook my head. I didn't deserve them. Edward had tried so hard to apologize to me, and I had blown him off all because I was scared.

"I was there," I said softly. He turned to look at me and my fingers tightened around his. "I sat in the parking lot because I was too scared to go inside."

"Scared of what?" Edward asked me.

I shrugged and shook my head at my own stupidity. "I was scared to see you. Scared to hear you sing. I thought that if I saw you… that it would make it worse."

Edward sighed and opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when the car came to a stop. We both looked out of the window, seeing the massive red carpet complete with photographers and fans. Alice went into her manager mode, and started telling Edward what he needed to know.

I slowly let go of his hand, thinking that he would get out of the car and that I would go with Jasper. But when his hand immediately grabbed mine again and his faced looked panicked, I nodded in understanding. He wanted me to go with him, and that scared and excited me. I didn't want to be in pictures with him on the red carpet, because I didn't fit in there. But he wanted me there with him, and I knew that belonged with him.

After Alice and Jasper got out of the car Edward turned back to look at. His eyes were wide and questioning, and I tried to give him a reassuring smile while squeezing his hand.

"You came back," he said quietly.

I nodded and swallowed around the large knot that had formed in my throat. "I came back for you."

The car door opened and Edward smiled before getting out, his hand pulling me out along with him.

**A/N: Thanks Maggie and Cheri, I'm your groupie. Mels thanks for keeping me sane. You know how much I luff you. So, I'm going on vacation and I probably won't update till I get back. Hope everyone is having a fantastic week.**


	18. Sweet and Low

_**I don't own Twilight, but this Edward and Bella are mine!!**_

_**I can't think of any better chapter than this one to give you guys for reader appreciation day! I love you guys and hope you enjoy! This chapter was in brain before I even started writing The Groupie, and is probably my favorite one so far.**_

_***** ** *****_

"**No one's giving up quite yet; we've got too much to lose. Hold me down, sweet and low, little girl. Hold me down, sweet and low, and I'll carry you home." Sweet and Low, Augustana**

Lights were flashing, and people were yelling. I couldn't hear what Alice or Jasper was saying even though they were standing right next to me. But none of it mattered, because even with the hundreds of people screaming Edward's name, he was smiling at me.

A small part of my brain was trying to figure out what had happened in the past forty-eight hours. Was I here as his friend? Were we finally going to be more than friends? If he didn't feel the same, what would I do? The doubts and negativity were crawling its way through my mind, trying to make the obliviously happy portion of my brain stop humming sappy love songs from the eighties. I told the negative portion of my brain to shut the hell up. It had been dominating my life for three years, and I deserved to enjoy tonight.

I followed behind Edward, my hand still held tightly in his and silently watched as he talked to reporters and made his way down the red carpet. Anytime that I would try to move so that I wouldn't be in the line of photography, he would pull me closer to him, and tell me to smile, it wasn't hard to do with him standing next to me with his arm around my waist. I was pretty sure that I would end up looking like a complete idiot, wearing a hundred and sixty dollar bridesmaid's dress surrounded by people in designer clothes, but I didn't care.

When Ryan Seacrest waved down Edward, he finally let me go and I stood and watched as he did the interview. He fielded questions with Jasper, who was also nominated for helping produce the album, and a few seconds later they were joined by another man, Felix Ridgeway. I got lost in all of the technical discussions about album production and just watched Edward. It might have been the first time since I saw him at the hotel that I actually _looked_ at him. He looked utterly perfect in the black suit with matching tie. His hair was a disheveled mess but it only made him more adorable, matching the mischievous smile that his lips made. I was trying to stealthily evaluate Edward's jaw line, remembering how it felt under my lips, when I heard my name.

Alice was standing a few away from me and waved me over. She looked like she was trying not to jump up and down and was actually shaking from excitement, one hand was fisted at her side and the other was wrapped around her cell phone. For a second, I was worried something had happened, but then I saw her huge smile. When I got close enough, she grabbed onto my hand and squeezed it tightly.

"He won," she said in an excited whisper.

I stared down at her, my brain trying to figure out what she was saying. "What…"

"They already awarded some of the smaller awards, and he won for Best Rock Vocal Solo Performance! Rosalie just called me! Bella, Edward won a Grammy!"

I started to scream from excitement, but quickly remembered where I was, and covered my mouth. Alice nodded as I caught on and laughed when I hugged her tightly. Tears of happiness escaped my eyes and I literally couldn't stop smiling. This had been close to twenty years in the making, way before he had ever met me, and finally… FINALLY… it had happened.

"You should tell him," Alice immediately said when I pulled away from her.

"What?" I asked louder than I meant to. As I blushed, I lowered my voice. "No Alice, you're his manager. You guys worked so hard…"

"And he loves you," she said, interrupting me. "This is a once in a lifetime thing, Bella. There will never be another first Grammy moment. You have to tell him."

Before I could answer, Alice walked past me and grabbed Jasper. She told Edward that he had exactly six minutes before he had to be inside and walked off. Edward watched her in confusion and then looked back at me. I smiled and swallowed back the nervousness in my throat.

"What's going on?" He asked when he got closer to me.

Edward's hands immediately found mine, and I smiled as I wove my fingers between his.

"Rosalie called Alice," I said quietly. He nodded when I looked up at him. "You…won a Grammy for Best Rock Vocal Performance."

His face fell, and he looked entirely shocked. I pulled on his hands and made him focus. "Edward, you won a Grammy."

"I won a Grammy," he repeated slowly.

Laughing, I nodded and squeezed his hands. "I'm so proud of…"

"I won a Grammy!" Edward practically yelled, interrupting me. "Bella, we won! We won a fucking Grammy!"

He laughed and pulled me into him and holding me there.

"You won," I said against his shoulder.

Edward let me go and shook his head. "There is no way I could have done any of this without you. Bella, you…"

He laughed and shook his head. "I can't actually believe I'm saying this, but I wish that we were somewhere else, somewhere that we could actually talk about all of this without thousands of people surrounding us."

"I'm not going anywhere," I said quietly. "Enjoy tonight, and then later we can deal with…"

My voice trailed off as the negativity and doubt started creeping back into place. Edward's fingers tightened around mine, bringing back to the happiness that had surrounded us. He leaned forward and I shivered when I felt his breath on my neck.

"I'm not going anywhere either," Edward whispered against my ear.

His lips softly kissed my cheek and I closed my eyes as the familiar electric sparks ran through my body. My body leaned into his, and I sighed as his arms wrapped around me again. For the first time in three years, I felt comfortable.

"Two minutes!" A voice yelled from behind us.

I smiled at Alice over Edward's shoulder and reluctantly let him go. "Come on, it's time."

He nodded and the two of us walked hand in hand into the cavernous theater. I watched as Jasper congratulated Edward, smiling as they talked excitedly. I followed Edward to the seats reserved us. Jasper went in first, shaking hands with Felix who was already sitting in the seat next to Jasper's. Alice sat beside Jasper, and I took the seat in-between her and Edward. He sat on the end and the second he sat down, he unbuttoned his suit jacket and loosened his tie. While Alice argued with him about redoing his tie, I sat there trying to ignore the looks of people around us and failed miserably. Several people came to talk to Edward and I just stared straight ahead trying to wrap my head around the fact that we were in the second damn row at the freaking Grammy Awards!

"You okay?" Alice quietly asked me. I nodded and she continued. "Edward's nominated for some pretty big categories, so they will be filming him. Just remember that at any time during this whole thing, you could be on national television."

The smile slipped from my face and I frowned at her. "Well that makes me feel relaxed. Thanks, Alice."

"I'm just trying to warn you. I don't want you to be on national television picking your nose or something," she explained calmly. "Just try to act like they aren't there."

A loud sarcastic laugh escaped my mouth, making Edward and Jasper look at me. I leaned my elbow against the armrest between the seats and covered my face, which was sure to be bright red from embarrassment. Music started playing and Edward's hand pulled mine away from my face. He gave me a reassuring smile and held onto my hand.

He leaned into me whispered, "I'm glad you're here."

I nodded and squeezed his hand; pushing away all of the nervousness that made me want to vomit. Even if I didn't fit in around these people, Edward wanted me here, and that was all that mattered.

Once the show started it got easier to ignore the multitudes of celebrities that sat around us. I concentrated on Edward's laughter when the host cracked a joke, often at Edward's own expense, or someone said something funny in an acceptance speech.

During a video montage of people in the music industry that had passed away during the previous year, I felt Edward's fingers moving against mine. It took a second to realize that he was playing with my fake plastic ring. I looked up at him and saw that he was staring straight ahead while his fingers absently moved against mine. He looked… different.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

He nodded and his fingers kept moving. "You've never heard the CD," he said quietly after a few seconds.

I shook my head and immediately felt guilty. "I wanted to…" I whispered.

Edward nodded again and took a deep breath. His fingers laced between mine and he squeezed gently. I watched his face, trying to figure out what he was thinking, but I couldn't. It was almost like a mask of blank emotion had covered his face. Even his eyes seemed different.

"Time to go," Alice said after a few moments. I looked around, shocked that we were having a commercial break and people were up and moving around. She stood up after giving Jasper a quick kiss and I nervously looked at Edward.

"I'll be back," he said, squeezing my hand again.

I nodded and watched as Alice and Edward made their way backstage. Jasper moved in to Alice's vacated chair and draped his arm across the back of my seat.

"How are you holding up?" He asked me quietly.

I shrugged and nervously chewed on the inside of my cheek. "I think he's mad…"

"Mad about what?"

"I didn't ever listen to the CD. I… couldn't ever listen to it," I explained lamely.

Jasper sighed and shook his head. He leaned his head towards me and started explaining. "He isn't mad, Bella. He's nervous because the song he's performing is a song he wrote for you. The whole album was for you…"

I looked at Jasper, completely shocked at what he was telling me. "What? Why didn't you…"

"We tried to tell you. You didn't want to hear it."

The truth hurt… a lot. I sighed and nodded, picking at the fabric of my chair. "You're right."

"Bella…" Jasper started, but stopped when music started playing again.

I stared at my lap as the host did some sort of comedy monologue and introduced an actor who was presenting the next award. While people were clapping, I leaned into Jasper and asked to use his cell phone. After he handed it to me, I quickly found Rosalie's number in the saved contacts and typed a quick message.

_What is the name of Edward's CD? - Bella_

Jasper watched me, and I guess I could have just asked him, but I didn't want to take the chance of being caught talking while someone was presenting an award. A few seconds later I got a message back.

_Redemption Song. Relax and enjoy the show, you'll be fine._

I nodded and handed the phone back to Jasper. So an entire album full of songs that were meant to be an apology, another apology that I had completely ignored. It might have been understandable if I lived in a hole somewhere and didn't have access to the internet or televisions, where I wouldn't have ever heard about Edward's album. But for the past three years I had gone out of my way to ignore anything to do with him. Hell even tonight, being surrounded by people asking him about it, I still hadn't really listened to them. I didn't know what his album was called, or what the songs were named. I didn't even know what song he was nominated for. If Jasper hadn't nudged my elbow, I probably would have drowned in my self-pity and never noticed that someone was introducing Edward's performance.

"… performing his hit single, Our Love Song, off of his latest album Redemption Song; here is Edward Cullen."

As everyone clapped, lights illuminated a part of the stage that had been black and unnoticed, right in front of where we were sitting. Edward was standing in front of a microphone, with a small band behind him. There were no crazy lighting tricks or anything remotely grandiose, like there had been with the other acts. It was just him playing a guitar…and it was perfect.

I watched him as the notes he played filled the space around us and waited for him to start singing. Edward was staring up at the balcony and I wondered if he was trying to find his parents, although I doubted he could, he looked strangely determined.

As the opening notes soften, he leaned into the microphone and started singing. Immediately I was drawn in. I watched and listened as he got through the first verse, singing about haunting past mistakes and deciding to overcome them. Edward's eyes found mine as he started singing the chorus and they didn't look away the rest of the song.

"She said, when you forget how much the world needs your music, I will remind you. When you forget how much I need your music, I will remind you," Edward sang passionately.

Those were my words. They were from the letter I had written him so long ago. From the letter he had bought from me and I never thought he would use.

I knew I was crying, I could feel the tears tickling my cheeks and they ran down my face. I should have at least tried to stop them from hitting the black silk of my dress before the salty tears stained the fabric. But all I could do was stand there and watch as my best friend, and the man I was absolutely head of heels in love with, sang a song for me. The melody and lyrics, every aspect of that song, was for me. And if I ever had any doubt about the way Edward felt about me, all of it was laid to rest by just watching him sing for me.

There were thousands of people in that theater, but he was looking at me. There were people there who had a hell of a lot more pull and persuasion than I ever would, but he was singing for me.

The music was reaching a crescendo and I openly cried out loud when Edward's head leaned back and sang with so much feeling, that I knew everyone in that place had to feel how much heartache, hope, love… every emotion you could ever think of, was put into that song. It ended and I stared at Edward as he stared at me. His eyes closed after a few seconds and he took a huge breath.

I shook my head as the lights darkened the stage again, and the host announced that we would be going to a commercial break. I tried to find Edward's shape in the darkness, but there was nothing there.

"No," I said loudly and pushed myself away from my seat.

"Bella?" Jasper asked, trying to hold on to my hand.

I ignored him, just like I ignored people watching me as I ran back up the aisle and out into the large corridor we had walked through earlier. There were people standing around and I looked past their curious stares and I tried to find a way to get into the backstage hallways.

"Can I help you?" A guy with an earpiece asked me.

"I need backstage. Or just… where would someone coming from backstage be?" I asked hurriedly.

He gave me a questioning look and I ignored him, running to the other side of the corridor and trying to pull open and a door next to the restrooms.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop."

I continued to ignore him, just like I ignored Jasper's voice when he tried to explain to the security guard what I was trying to do. Voices and noises became a slight hum in the background as I kept trying to open doors, until the once voice I needed to hear called my name.

"Bella?"

My hands stopped and I turned to see Edward and Alice walking towards me. I ran at full force towards him, ignoring the whispers or people staring at us. As soon as I got close enough, I threw my arms around him and started rushing everything I wanted to tell him.

"I love you," I said quickly, tears still running down my face. "I never stopped, Edward. I just… was so scared of what it meant and I… I don't know! I was so stupid and I just… you need to know how much I love you…"

Edward held on to me, listening to my hurried declaration of my feelings. He buried his face in my neck and I could feel his tears dampening my skin, but I couldn't stop.

"Please tell me I'm not too late," I half whispered, half begged.

He pulled back and shook his head. Edward smiled and left one arm wrapped around my back, while his other hand gently wiped tears off of my cheeks. "I would have waited forever, Bella."

My eyes closed and I nodded, leaning my face against his hand.

"Please look at me," he whispered. When I opened my eyes, he smiled and carefully ran his thumb over my cheek. "I love you."

My chest ached, but not in the sad and horrible way like it had the past three years. It ached from my heart feeling so full. It ached from the tears of happiness that I had cried. It ached from the feeling of hope and love that radiated through my body.

"This… all of this… is our epic love story," he whispered softly.

I nodded as my fingers threaded themselves into the back of his hair. His forehead leaned against mine.

The two of us stood there looking at each other, and it was so easy to forget that we weren't alone. We were surrounded by people who were staring at our public declaration of love for each other. As my brain started to process that fact, my cheeks started burning and I blushed from embarrassment. Edward laughed quietly before leaning forward and giving me a chaste kiss.

"More, later," he said quietly and I nodded. He held onto my hand and I slowly turned to look at our audience.

*** *** ***

"And the winner for Record of the Year is," the presenter said slowly.

Edward's finger's tightened around mine and I smiled in anticipation.

"Edward Cullen, Felix Ridgeway and Jasper Whitlock for 'Our Love Song'!" She yelled after the envelope was opened.

Alice screamed and immediately jumped out of her chair, pulling Jasper out of his and almost knocking him back into it as she hugged him. Edward smiled and turned to look at me before leaning forward and giving me another small kiss.

"I always knew we would be here someday," I told him as he hugged me.

Edward smiled and nodded before moving out into the aisle. Jasper stopped and hugged me before following Edward. Felix hugged Alice and gave me a small smile before all three of them walked up onto the stage.

Alice grabbed onto my hand and we both laughed when someone, no doubt that it was Emmett, yelled from the balcony. I watched as the three of them nervously shuffled around the microphone, and laughed when Jasper basically shoved the award at Edward. He took it, but motioned for them to speak first.

Felix, who had much more experience at these things than Jasper and Edward, just muttered a thank you and then moved aside for Jasper to talk.

"Oh my…" he stuttered and shook his head. I laughed at how noticeable his accent was. "I… um… just want to thank Edward for trusting me enough to work on this. Also, thank you to Felix who taught me a lot. Hi to my mom and dad back home. And, Alice, I wouldn't want any of this without you. I love you, baby. Thanks ya'll."

I squeezed Alice's hand as she cried and leaned her head against my shoulder.

"I was hoping you guys would talk longer so I wouldn't have to say much," Edward joked as he stepped forward. I smiled as everyone laughed. He took a deep breath and slowly shook his head.

"Oh man," he sighed and looked around at the audience. "This has been such an unreal experience and I… just thanks. Everyone at the label, everyone who helped with this album and Felix… thank you."

"I… uh… my family has always been there for me, and I couldn't have done anything without their love and support. Mom, Dad, Emmett… Rosalie… I love you and thank you." Edward smiled and looked up towards the balcony. He laughed when Emmett yelled something and then sighed before looking back at me. "Jasper and Alice, you guys are pretty much my family too. I couldn't have done any of this, literally, without you two. Thank you."

Edward stopped and nodded slowly before looking at me.

"Bella, you..." He took a deep breath and smiled my favorite lazy smile. "You are my best friend, and I love you. Every song on this album was for you. Thank you for… everything."

I felt every eye in that place shift off Edward and move towards me, but I didn't care. I had put my life on hold for three years, mourning the loss of what I thought would be the only love story I would ever have. I thought I would be sad and broken forever, never able to be pieced back together. What I didn't know what that all of it happened for a reason.

This was our love story. And we were at the beginning.

*** *** ***

"Two out of five!" Emmett yelled once he saw Edward.

We all laughed and I let go of Edward's hand as he hugged his brother first, and then his parents. Tonight had been such an emotional rollercoaster and it had really just started. We had waited while Edward and Jasper had their pictures taken after the show had ended, and now we were at the label's after party.

Edward was constantly being congratulated and asked to go meet someone, but he kept refusing politely. No matter how many had come up to talk to him, he never got more than two feet away from me. People eventually gave up, and as the night wore on they just left him alone. I was pretty sure that Alice and Jasper were fielding questions and helping divert traffic to our now empty table on the patio.

"You look tired," Edward said quietly.

"No, I'm fine," I lied. Edward narrowed his eyes playfully and I smiled. "Okay, I'm a little tired."

"What are we going to do?"

I didn't need to ask him what he was talking about. I leaned against him and rested my head against his shoulder.

"We probably should talk about… some things," I said slowly.

He nodded against the top of my head and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to ruin all of this with the heavy dose of reality that was impending. I wanted to hide in the blissful happiness that had buffered everything since our public display of emotions earlier.

"Tomorrow," I said quietly. "We can talk about everything tomorrow."

"No," Edward argued. He pulled away from me and I looked at him in confusion. "We've run around issues for the past… well, for way too fucking long. I'm tired of all of this hanging over us, Bella."

"I don't want to ruin tonight," I said quietly.

Edward shook his head and stood up. "There is no way that you could ruin tonight, especially when you being here is what made it so fucking phenomenal."

I laughed and let Edward help me up. We told everyone good-bye and left the party together.

It was eerily familiar riding back to the hotel in the back of the limo, but I kept reminding myself that we weren't drunk and Edward definitely knew how I felt about him. That didn't stop me from being nervous. Edward must have felt it too, because his hand kept squeezing mine.

When we got to the hotel, it finally hit me what we were doing. One of us was going to have to go to the other's hotel room. I suddenly got very,_ very_ nervous of the fact that I would be in a hotel room with Edward... alone. If things… progressed… I wasn't really sure I would be ready for _that_. I followed him into the elevator and chewed on the inside of my cheek.

"Who's room… where…" I asked, embarrassed that I was stuttering.

"Why don't you go change clothes, and come to my room. I have something you need to see," he said quietly.

I looked up at him, trying to tell if he was trying to make sexual innuendos. He caught the look on my face and smiled before shaking his head.

"Talking only," he laughed.

Completely humiliated I told him good-bye when we reached my floor and told him I would see him upstairs in a few minutes. I ran to my room and quickly shed the dress I had been wearing. I pulled on my pajama pants and a t-shirt. Less than ten minutes later, I was standing outside of Edward's hotel room.

He opened the door, and I was a little relieved to see that he was still dressed. The suit jacket was gone, and his pants had been replaced with pajama bottoms. He still had on his white undershirt and was looking a little nervous. It made me feel better to realize that I wasn't the only one freaking out.

"Do you want to come in?" He asked quietly.

"Yes," I answered. My voice sounded high pitched and weird.

He moved aside to let me in, and I walked into the room that was similar to Alice and Jaspers. The room was quiet, entirely too quite, and I jumped when the heavy door shut. I listened to Edward's footsteps, and sighed when he stopped right behind me.

"Bella…" He whispered.

**A/N: I know I am so mean for stopping it there, sorry. So, nope this isn't the end and yes there will be an EPOV to cover all of this. There have been questions about where I will post this story should it getting yanked by FFN. I don't think it ever will, but if it does, my answer is that I will be posting the rest of the story 140 character segments at a time on my Twitter. Are you following me? If not, then you should be. Haha!**


	19. Together Forever

**I don't own Twilight. I do own a plane ticket to Maine that leaves in four days!! WOOH!**

**"I could not hide cause he knew me. He looked right through me. When I looked away and I held on, but inside I felt my needs. I could not breathe, I could not think as I faded away... Well, you love me, and you need me and we'll always be together forever" Together Forever, Hana Pestle**

"Bella," Edward whispered from behind me.

God, the way my name sounded when he whispered… I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to make myself calm down. I didn't have any reason to be nervous. Edward was still Edward, even with all of the bullshit that had happened between us. I knew him, really knew him, just like he did me. I fisted my hands at my side and made myself turn around to look at him.

He looked just as nervous as I felt. The usual calm and collected facade had been replaced with a worried and doubtful expression. He looked exhausted.

"Why is this so hard?" I quietly asked him. "We've… we know each other. It isn't like we…"

I shrugged and shook my head, unable to finish my sentence.

Edward sighed before saying, "Because all we've done was ignore the truth. We always ran away and never faced what was actually in front of us." His head dropped as an uneasy silence fell around us.

"I don't want to run away anymore," I whispered. My hand reached out for Edward's, and his head lifted when my fingers touched his.

His eyes found mine, and his gaze was so intense that it made me worried that I had upset him. I started to let go of his hand but Edward stopped me by tightening his hold on my fingers.

"Bella," he shook his head. "I don't want to be alone… anymore."

In the most unladylike manner, I threw myself at Edward, knocking him backwards into the couch behind us. I landed on his lap and ignored his nervous babbling. Holding his head between my hands, I closed my eyes and leaned forward to kiss him. Thankfully, he didn't hesitate to kiss me back.

It wasn't a chaste kiss, like what he had given me throughout the evening, but a hard and intense kiss. It was lips pressing and tongues exploring, with soft moaning and content sighing. Edward's arms wrapped around my back, his fingers moved through the back of my hair while I gently pulled against his.

Everything seemed so familiar, yet deliciously new. It was rushed, but timed perfectly. His lips were soft, but they moved against mine fiercely. We were nothing but beautiful contradictions.

My hands finally released his hair, and traveled over his shoulders. The feel of the cotton of his shirt under my hands felt wrong. I wanted to feel him, feel the warmth of his skin against mine. Edward didn't stop when my hands moved down his shoulders to his chest. I took that as a good sign.

Making sure to keep my lips on his, I angled my body away from his and let my hands move down his chest to his stomach. My fingers had just worked their way under his shirt and were starting to pull it up, when he stopped me.

"Bella, wait…" Edward said breathlessly.

My hands stopped but I whispered, "No."

Edward smiled against my lips, and continued to give me small and delicate kisses while his hands found mine. I sighed when he pulled my hands away from his stomach.

"I'm not letting us rush into this," he said quietly.

I nodded, trying to hide my frustration and semi-bruised ego. I knew he was right, we weren't ready for that, but it didn't make it hurt less. Edward's hand carefully tucked a few stray hairs behind my ear and smiled up at me.

"Isn't that what people in relationships do? Wait before rushing into things like sex?" He quietly asked me.

"Are we… I mean… is that… what you want?" I asked him, stumbling over the words. "You want… I mean, you want me to be…"

Edward laughed quietly before rubbing the small of my back. I wished for the millionth time in my life that I could be a little more articulate. I had no problem telling him that I loved him in front of people I didn't even know, and I had basically just thrown myself at him. But, mention the fact that he might want me to be his girlfriend and I turn completely spastic.

"It's what I want," Edward said quietly. He lifted my chin to make me look at him. "What do you want?"

"I want you," I answered him honestly. Edward's smile widened which made me laugh from a nervous excitement.

"Then I want to do this right," he said, completely serious again. "I'm not going to screw this up again because I'm pretty sure I've run out of second chances."

"When did you become the responsible one?" I asked him. He smiled as I moved off of his lap and sat on the couch next to him.

"The second I realized you'd left," Edward said quietly. "That's when I became the responsible one. But it wasn't until I walked into that hotel room tonight and saw you standing there, that I swore I would do everything I could to never make you leave again."

I stared at him, trying to control the erratic beating of my heart that was leaving me breathless. I wasn't used to hearing Edward say things like that, especially to me, and it was going to take some time for me to not melt when he did. The only thing I could do was nod, and try not to seem like I wasn't on the verge of crying, screaming and maybe even fainting. Thankfully, he seemed fine with my non-verbal communication.

"I wasn't lying when I said there were some things you needed to see," Edward told me. He leaned over the side of the couch and pulled something out of a box. When he sat up I saw what he had in his hand.

"Your CD," I said quietly.

He nodded and opened the case, pulling out the booklet. "I honestly don't know how you never found out about this."

"I stopped listening to the radio," I muttered pathetically.

"You still should have gotten notification from the record label. You never put two and two together when they started sending you royalty checks?" He threw the case onto the chair next to us and handed me the booklet.

"Royalty checks for what?" I asked him.

Edward's forehead creased in confusion as he shook his head. "Bella, you… did you not hear the song tonight?"

"No, I did…"

"Those were your lyrics; you get paid royalty for them," he explained. I watched as he took the booklet back from me and flipped it open to the list of people credited on the album. "See look, Bella Swan. You're listed under the song writers."

"Oh my God," I whispered and shook my head. "Edward…"

"You really never got anything from the label?" He asked, ignoring my shocked expression.

I shook my head and tried to focus. "Um… no they… Well they probably sent them to my parent's house. They had said I'd gotten some certified mail, but I just figured it wasn't anything important. All of my bills get sent to my apartment."

Edward laughed and shook his head. "Bella, there is probably thousands of dollars in those envelopes."

I groaned and leaned forward, resting my head against the arm of the couch. "Oh my… I can't…"

"Are you okay?" Edward asked nervously.

I nodded. "Just… a lot to process…"

"Come on," Edward stood up and reached out for my hand. "We can talk about the rest of this tomorrow."

I stood up, wobbled for a few seconds, and then followed him back into the bedroom. He told me to lie down and I shook my head, "I'm not tired… I just…"

"Bella, it's two in the morning," Edward argued with me.

I sighed and nervously looked around. "I can go back to my room… If you want…" I muttered.

He shook his head and pulled the CD booklet out of my hand, tossing it onto the bedside table. "I really want you to stay."

Nodding, I moved further back onto the bed. Edward started walking around the room, picking up miscellaneous clothes and throwing them towards his suitcase. He grabbed a bottle of water and sat it on the nightstand beside me, before shuffling off to find something else to do. I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was entirely too worked up to sleep.

"Edward," I said quietly. He stopped shoving things into his suitcase and looked at me. "Will you play for me?"

He momentary looked surprised before nodding. He picked up one of the acoustic guitars and headed towards the bed. I sat up, leaning against the headboard and crossed my legs in front of me, Indian style. I patted the bed in front of me, and Edward smiled before sitting down mirroring my own position.

"You seemed a little keyed up," I explained. He laughed and tested a few of the strings.

"I'm… nervous," Edward admitted quietly.

"Me too," I whispered and played with the hem of my pajama bottoms. "This used to be easy…"

"But it's kind of exciting, you know?" He asked me. He shrugged when I just looked at him, but started playing a soft melody on the guitar. "Like, if we were just normal people who had just started dating, we wouldn't know everything about each other. Everything would be new and exciting and we would be nervous and awkward."

I smiled and his cheeks started to blush, which only made me smile wider and start giggling. He smiled and continued with his explanation.

"What I'm saying, is that we… I dunno. We get to skip the whole 'getting to know you period', but still keep some of the nervousness. It feels… right, I guess."

After I nodded in understanding, we fell into a comfortable silence. Edward played and I sat there and watched as his fingers moved over the strings.

"I should be asking you to play for me," Edward said after a few minutes. "I haven't ever heard you."

Immediately I started shaking my head. "I'm not good at it."

"That isn't what Jasper said."

I rolled my eyes. "Jasper lied."

Edward laughed before stilling his hands and moving the guitar so that it rested on my knees. I shook my head, but he ignored me.

"Just do something… anything," Edward told me. He leaned back on his elbows, moving his legs so that they rested on either side of mine. "You can sing Mary Had a Little Lamb."

"I don't sing," I mumbled angrily.

Edward nodded and watched as I picked the guitar up. He looked entirely too excited and for a second I thought about telling him I was too tired to play. He wouldn't buy it though, and then I would just look more idiotic than I already did.

Giving in, I settled the instrument in front of me. It was much larger than mine and I had to sit up straighter so that my arm would reach around the body of it. Edward handed me the pick he had been holding and I sighed.

"I… don't really know any that aren't my own," I mumbled nervously. He nodded again and I just closed my eyes and started playing. I could feel Edward watching me but tried to ignore it and concentrate on what I was doing. My hands were shaking so bad that I messed up quite a few times, but managed to make it through most of the song. When I finished, I flexed my fingers and tried to stop shaking.

"Your guitar is really big compared to mine," I said quietly. Shrugging at my lame explanation of my shitty playing, I shifted nervously and reluctantly looked up at Edward.

"What was that song about?" He asked quietly.

"You," I whispered slowly. My face had to be scarlet, I could feel the heat radiating off of my cheeks.

Edward nodded and carefully took the guitar out of my lap. He got off the bed and put the instrument back in its case. I watched, worried that I had offended him in some way. I was about to apologize, but stopped when Edward turned off the lamp beside the bed.

"What…" I asked. The bed shifted as he got back on it. I moved so that the blankets could be pulled back, still trying to gage Edward's mood.

"Come here," he said quietly.

Something in my stomach fluttered at the sound of his voice and I lay down next to him on my side. His hands immediately found me and wasted no time in running through my hair, down my arms and across my back.

"I love you, Bella." His soft whispered fanned across my face before his lips softly touched mine.

Cupping his face in my hands, I nodded and kissed him back. "I love you too."

"I want to take care of you and make you happy," Edward said between slow and gentle kisses.

All I could do was nod my head. I knew if I opened my mouth, the only thing that would come out would be a strangled sob of emotion. I had waited for years for this, and suddenly it seemed completely worth the wait. This was when it was supposed to happen. Things had landed in place perfectly and finally. We were where we were supposed to be.

"Please don't cry," Edward whispered as his fingertips wiped the tears off of my cheeks.

"They're good tears though," I tried to explain. He laughed quietly and the sound made my heart swell. I took a deep breath and tried to control the emotion building in my chest. We laid there in a comfortable silence for a few minutes; his hand running up and down my back while I slowly played with the hair at the back of his head. My eyes were getting heavy but I forced them to stay open.

"I missed you," Edward whispered against the top of my head. His voice was slow and heavy, laced with the exhaustion we were both fighting.

Smiling, I nodded in agreement. "I missed the sound of your laugh."

"I missed the way your hair smells and how you always fidget with something," he continued.

"Do not," I muttered, making both of us laugh. "I missed your eyes and smile."

"Me too," Edward whispered. "I missed the feeling of your lips."

I leaned my head back and smiled when his lips once again found mine.

"Go to sleep," I whispered against his mouth.

Edward nodded and pulled me closer to him. "I love you," he mumbled sleepily.

My eyes slipped shut and the only thing I could hear was Edward's calm and deep breathing. I sighed and buried my face against his chest.

"I love you too, Edward."

*** ** ***

Muffled voices filtered into my ears, but I pushed them away. I didn't want to wake up yet; I was scared that everything was going to end up being a dream. What if I woke up and I was back in Austin, alone. I didn't want to be alone again. Sighing, I pulled the pillow closer to my face and fell back asleep.

"Bella," a voice called to me. I ignored it, because Alice's voice wasn't the one I wanted to hear. Her small hands were on my back, shaking me and pushing me into the mattress at the same time.

"Please go away," I groaned, rolling away from the weight of her hands and onto my back.

Someone laughed, a very familiar laugh, and I slowly opened my eyes. Edward was sitting on the side of the bed looking down at me.

"So it wasn't a dream?" I asked groggily.

He shook his head and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "Nope, you're stuck with me."

"I can handle that," I said through a yawn.

Edward laughed and slowly ran the back of his fingers across my cheek as my eyes slipped closed again.

"What time is it?" I asked slowly.

"It's five thirty."

"In the morning?" One of my eyes opened and I shook my head at the ridiculousness of the hour. Edward nodded and smiled. "Why the hell are we awake so early? And why was Alice here?"

"She's still here. I have to do a telephone interview with a radio station in New York and they are three hours ahead of us. I just didn't want you to wake up and me not be here. You can go back to sleep if you want to."

I nodded, but grabbed onto his hand as he got up off of the bed. With a gentle tug, I pulled him back down towards me and kissed him.

"Have fun," I muttered and rolled back over onto my stomach. Edward laughed and I heard him close the bedroom door behind him when he left. Shortly after I fell back asleep.

The next time I woke up, I felt the familiar feeling of someone next to me. I recognized the deep breaths as Edward's and slowly rolled towards him. Squinting at the alarm clock, I saw that it was now past noon.

There was so much that I needed to do, like shower and brush my teeth. I also needed to call my parents, guessing that my mother had probably watched the Grammys last night; my cell phone was probably filled with missed calls and voicemails from her.

I had left Austin Saturday without really thinking. I hadn't called my boss at the bookstore, and wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have a job when I got back. Missing three days of work without calling in would probably guarantee that. Mentally, I started calculating how much money I had in my account and momentarily winced when I remembered I had charged our three plane tickets on my credit card.

Rubbing my eyes, I groaned and tried to figure out what I was going to do. I sat up and grabbed the water bottle that Edward had left out for me last night. As I took a drink, I saw the CD booklet sitting on the bedside table. Sitting down the water, I picked up the booklet and carefully lay back down.

I quietly flipped through the pages, remembering what Edward had told me last night. _Well that took care of some of the money problems,_ I thought to myself. Maybe I could get my mom to go deposit them without freaking out. That was doubtful; I would probably need to ask my dad. My inner-ramblings came to a stop when I saw that my name was listed on more than one song. One, two… he had given me credit for five different songs!

The pages crinkled as I flipped through them and I tried to muffle them with the blanket. I finally got to the front and started reading the lyrics to the songs. I didn't even make it through the first one without crying, but I just wiped my eyes and made myself keep reading. By the time I got to the liner notes, I was practically sobbing.

_With you, I was at my best. Without you, I will learn to be better on my own. I pray for redemption and beg for forgiveness, knowing I don't deserve either. You asked me to be great, and I promised you I would try. This is that promise kept, only for you. I'll love you forever, beautiful girl._

****That was the last part of the liner notes, and there wasn't a doubt as to whom it was meant for. I wiped my eyes and tried to take a deep breath which ended up sounding like a strangling gasp instead. I closed my eyes and tried to be still, and when I felt Edward move next to me, it didn't do any good.

"Why are you crying?" Edward's sleepy voice asked me.

I shook my head, but just started sobbing all over again when he reached out for me and pulled me closer to him. His hand smoothed the back of my hair as his lips kissed the top of my head and quietly shushed me.

"I'm so… so sorry, Edward," I cried against his chest. "I should have listened… and I didn't. We could have been happy together…"

"Bella, you have to stop feeling guilty about what happened. We both made mistakes, but that doesn't… We can't change anything in the past," he said quietly. "We can be happy now, and that's what matters."

Shaking my head, I sat up and looked down at him. "How? How will any of this work?"

I hated the panicked look on his face, but realistically we had a lot to figure out in a very short amount of time.

"What… where do you even live?" I asked him quietly. "I don't want to go back to Seattle, Edward. I like my life in Austin, I like being close to my parents. But at the same time, I want to be where you are… I just…"

"Stop," Edward cut me off. I blinked slowly and watched as he sat up and rubbed his face. "If Austin is where you want to be, then it's where _we_ will go. I have some stuff I have to finish before I could go, but… Bella, I just want to be with you. It doesn't matter where."

"Really?" I asked quietly. He nodded, laughing at my expression of disbelief.

"I said I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it. I can make music anywhere," Edward said, his voice calm and collected. He seemed so sure of the choices he was making.

"My roommate… she probably wouldn't want a guy living with us. Although if she found out it was you, she probably wouldn't care. I can call and ask…" I was rambling, and Edward smiled when he covered my mouth with his hand.

"I'll get a house or something. Who knows, maybe Alice and Jasper will want to move too. We can make it work. I will make it work," he reassured me.

It almost seemed too easy, too perfect. I didn't want to be skeptical, especially when it was something I had wanted for such a long time, but having the rug pulled out from under me again would probably kill me this time.

"Everything was shitty for three years, Bella. We deserve to be happy… together," Edward said. His fingers reached out for mine and squeezed them when he found them. "Trust me, please."

That's what it boiled down to. Trust. Did I trust Edward enough to put as much faith in him as I had before? Could I trust him with my heart again? If we were going to be in a relationship together, I couldn't halfway do it. We both deserved more than that.

Nodding, I leaned forward and kissed him gently. "I trust you, Edward."

He smiled and pushed me back into the bed. Our hands explored a little more than they had last night, still staying on top of clothes, while our lips and mouths became reacquainted. Unfortunately, Mother Nature started knocking soon after and both of us gave in to her demands.

I went back to my own room and got dressed. I was on the phone with my dad, when someone knocked on the door. Pulling it open, I found Jasper smiling at me. I motioned for him to come in, and he waited patiently while I finished my phone call.

"Sorry," I muttered after I hung up. "I had to get dad to do some stuff."

"Not a big deal," Jasper smiled.

I sat on the bed and motioned for him to join me, but he declined. He paced around the room, looking out the window and then flipping through the room service menu. Jasper was nervous.

"What's going on?" I asked with a laugh. He tried to play innocent and I shook my head. "Out with it."

Japer finally sat down next to me and sighed. "Alice said I shouldn't bring this up right now…"

"Bring what up?"

"I…" Jasper cleared his throat and then sighed. "I want us to go into business together."

"Doing what?" I asked him.

"I think we should write music together, professionally." Jasper turned so that he was facing me.

Shaking my head, I silently argued that this wasn't something I could do. He didn't care, and ignored my protests.

"Bella, I've listened to your music. I know you can do this. Hell, you wrote part of the lyrics to a song that won a fucking Gammy!" Jasper yelled excitedly. "We can trust each other, and that isn't something you find easily in this business!"

"Jasper…"

"Will you at least think about it? Please? I don't need an answer right now. Just promise me you won't write this off. I've been thinking about it for a while now," he pleaded.

That surprised me. "How long is a while?"

"Since I read that first notebook you wrote. When I heard the CD you made, it only solidified the idea. Alice agrees with me, she thinks it could be really good for both of us." Jasper was trying to convince me, and aside from the fact that I was pretty sure I would suck at this, it sounded appealing.

"I need to think about it, Jasper," I sighed and shook my head. "I can't just… jump into this."

He nodded excitedly. "Sure! I know! Take all the time you need!"

I laughed at his excitement. "Do you have any idea of what all of this would include? Like, where we would live? What about Alice's job with Edward? What about when they start touring again?"

"We could live anywhere. Obviously, it would be a little more convenient if we lived in the same town, but we can write music anywhere. Alice and Edward would still keep working, we could even travel with them if we wanted to," Jasper explained.

I nodded and stared down at the floor, chewing nervously on the inside of my cheek.

"Please just think about it. Bella, this could be really good for us," Jasper held on to my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll think about it," I nodded and smiled at him.

Jasper practically jumped off the bed and teasingly messed up my hair as he walked by me. I tried to slap his hands away but laughed when he jumped out of my way.

"I'll see you at dinner tonight," he said before opening the door.

"Yeah, yeah," I smiled and waved as he walked out of the room.

As soon as the door shut I fell back against the bed and sighed. Honestly, what other life changing events could happen while I was here? I sighed and rolled off of the bed after a few minutes. I didn't know anything about the music business, and honestly didn't know if I could handle being a part of it.

I wasn't manipulative or conniving. My feelings were normally worn on my sleeve, and I had a tendency to be a little over sensitive about things. People would see through me in a second and probably eat me alive. Plus, now I was Edward Cullen's girlfriend, which was completely weird to admit to myself. If I wrote something that did end up becoming huge, would people think that it was because of his success? All of this was so fucking complicated enough. This would definitely just add to it.

Sighing, I sat in the chair next to the window and tried to figure out if this was something I could even do. I mentally tried to make a list of pros and cons, but it always came back to the same issues. I wasn't talented enough to pull this off. I wrote sad depressing songs that would make people want to slit their wrists, and that certainly wasn't what Jasper was looking for. I didn't want to agree to this and end up embarrassing Jasper and Edward.

Someone was once again knocking on my door, interrupting my moody concentration. I opened the door and couldn't help but smile at Edward. The smile didn't last long when I noticed how worried he looked. I invited him in and turned to face him after I shut the door.

"What's wron…"

"You have to do this, Bella." Edward's urgent voice cut me off.

"Do what?" I asked in confusion.

"Jasper… he told me. I think that… you have to do this," he quickly explained.

I sighed, hating that Jasper and Edward were so freaking persistent. I also hated that they doubled up on me. It wasn't fair.

"Edward, this isn't… I can't…" I stumbled over the words I was trying to process. When Edward gently held my face in his hands, I stopped trying to argue and looked at him.

"Give me a chance to talk to you about this before you just completely blow it off," he said quietly. His eyes watched mine, waiting and judging my reaction to his request.

"Why can't you just let me blow it off?" I asked him.

Edward smiled before shaking his head. "Because you never let me give up and now… I'm not going to let you do it either."

"I believe you told me I was annoyingly persistent," I reminded him with a smile.

He playfully pushed me on the bed and pulled the chair next to the bed so that he was sitting in front of me. "Now it's my turn to be annoying… and persistent."

He was annoyingly persistent, and adorable, and I sat there and smiled as he tried to persuade me.

**A/N: Ok, now I won't be updating until I get back from vacation. Still no sex… I know, I know. But they did fondle… a little. Have a good rest of the week! And ps, I was totally joking about the Twitter thing.**


	20. Living On a Prayer

**I don't own Twilight or any of these songs. I do own a cowbell however.**

***** This is nothing but cheese and fluff. I was told you guys liked that sort of thing. I'm more of an angst girl myself. ENJOY!*****

"**Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear…" Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi **

_**(Yeah you knew this song was coming… I mean come on…)**_

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" I quietly asked Edward.

He nodded while pulling Alice's rental car, bus… whatever it was, into the parking garage. I might have believed him if it wasn't for the fact that he had turned the headlights off as soon as we entered it. Alice and Rosalie were laughing from the third row of seats, while Jasper and Emmett just watched out of the windows, their eyes peeled for… something.

"We won't get in trouble?" I asked. Edward just shook his head and Jasper shushed me.

"I think we're good. I bet he's around front," Emmett said quietly.

"You said that last time and he saw us," Edward countered.

His brother sighed dramatically, but Jasper agreed with Emmett. "The security booth is empty."

"Who are we hiding from?" I asked louder this time, just to annoy Jasper.

"Not hiding, just avoiding. The security guys who watch the parking lot are kind of sketchy," Alice answered me. "We came here a few times when we were recording the album, and every night that we stayed late, the paparazzi somehow found out about it. It was a huge ordeal, so…"

"Now we sneak in," Edward finished for her. He smiled and reached over to grab on to my hand, gently squeezing it. "It'll be okay," he whispered.

I nodded and squeezed his hand in return. Aside from him trying to convince me earlier to work with Jasper, which I still hadn't agreed to, he had also talked to me about what I should expect from the media. I wasn't stupid; I knew things would be difficult. He made me promise him I wouldn't Google either one of us or listen to anything that people said. I agreed, knowing that it was only a matter of time before something came up that we wouldn't be able to avoid.

Dinner with everyone had been a lot like déjà vu. All of it was so similar to how our lives had been before, almost like the past three years hadn't ever existed. The only difference was Edward constantly touching me, which I didn't mind at all. His hand on my back, twirling my hair around his fingers was oddly relaxing. Alice staring at the two of us, smiling uncontrollably was not. After dinner Carlisle and Esme went back to their room to head to bed, while the rest of piled into Alice's enormous car and set off on some secret adventure. Well, it was a secret to me. Everyone else seemed to know what was going on.

After a few minutes of winding our way up through the parking garage, Edward finally parked the car and everyone started getting out. We were quiet as we walked through the garage until we got to the locked door that opened up into the building connected to the garage. Edward quickly typed in a numerical sequence on the lock and then cussed under his breath when he got it wrong.

"You're sure we're allowed to do this?" I quietly asked him.

He looked at me and smiled, "I'm Edward Cullen."

"Oh, that isn't conceited at all," Rosalie snorted. She started giggling and Emmett covered her mouth with his hand to quiet the sound. Alice, who was perched on Jasper's back, had her face buried in his shoulder to muffle her own laughter.

"8-4-3-6-2," Jasper whispered quietly. Edward nodded and retyped the sequence. There was a soft beep and door unlocked. The six of us walked inside, and as soon as the door shut behind us, the conversations resumed.

I followed behind them, holding on to Edward's hand. Once we got into an elevator, I tried again to find out where we were. "Can I know what we're doing now?" I asked all of them.

"Nope," Edward answered quickly. I frowned and he leaned forward to kiss me. "If I tell you, you will just refuse to participate."

"Oh that makes me really excited," I muttered. Emmett bumped my shoulder with his and I smiled.

We reached the right floor, and all of us exited into the hallway. I watched as Jasper, with Alice still on his back, lead the way. Once we got to the end of the hallway, Alice picked a key out of the back of her jeans and handed it to him. After he unlocked the door and they were inside, I saw the sign of the door. We were at a recording studio.

"What the hell?" I asked loudly. "Why are we…"

"Come on," Rosalie interrupted me and pushed me inside. She grabbed onto my hand and practically pulled me behind Jasper and Alice, following them through another series of hallways and into a huge room.

There were instruments everywhere. Guitars, a drum set, and a piano filled the room. There were microphone stands and chords running across the floor that was accented with different rugs. I watched as Alice jumped off of Jasper's back and ran through a side door. She was gone a few seconds before a light illuminated a window to a sound booth.

"Drums!" Rosalie and Emmett yelled at the same time.

"You got them last time!" she complained. Emmett smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and playfully pouted. "Please?"

"I get Bella's… and Edward's," he bartered. "And yours!"

"No! Edward sings mine so I can play the drums," Rosalie whined.

Emmett sighed dramatically before smiling and leaning in to whisper something in her ear. Based on the fact that Rosalie was blushing, I'm sure I didn't want to know what he had said.

"Deal!" Rosalie said excitedly and kissed him. She let him go and they both walked over to the drum set, talking and laughing.

I turned around to see Edward and Jasper leaning in the doorway to the sound booth. They were talking to Alice, who was pushing a lot of buttons and nodding her head. A red light that was over the door came on, and the three of them rejoined the rest of us.

"What are we…" I asked.

"Mine first!" Alice said excitedly and skipped towards me.

"Why are you always first?" Emmett asked her in a teasing voice.

"Because, I'm the most important," she answered simply.

Everyone laughed while I looked at Edward in confusion. "What are we doing exactly?"

"Making a CD," he answered with a shrug. "I thought it would be fun."

"I… what… I don't want to sing…" I stammered.

"Happy songs, Bella! Remember?" Alice asked me while shaking a tambourine.

I looked at her before turning back to Edward. "Seriously?"

He shrugged again as the room filled up with laughter and miscellaneous musical sounds. We hadn't done this since… well in years. It consisted of the six of us, and on occasion Esme and Carlisle, playing songs that each of us considered "happy songs." It was more like Edward, Jasper, and Emmett playing and singing reasonably well, while the rest of us just made huge asses of ourselves. The last time I had participated had been years ago, before Edward had ever signed a record contract.

"It will be fun," Edward said quietly. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me towards him. I gave him a skeptical look. "You don't you want to do it?"

"It isn't that I don't want to…" I answered him.

"You're nervous?"

I nodded and shrugged my shoulders. "I'm really not very good…"

"You don't have to be good, Bella."

"I don't want to play the guitar," I said quietly.

"Alice has another tambourine," Edward said. A tambourine sounded behind us and I smiled. "Just relax and have fun, like before."

I nodded and Edward leaned forward to kiss me briefly. We walked toward everyone else and I caught the tambourine Alice threw at me.

"Whose are these?" I asked, motioning to the instruments.

"Most of them are mine," Edward answered. He pulled a guitar over his shoulders, then smiled and looked at Alice. "Ready?"

"Yup!" she said excitedly.

"When was the last time you guys did this?" I asked.

"Like a month ago," Jasper answered. He smiled and plucked a few of the strings on his bass guitar. "It's a fun way to just relax. You know, to remember that music is still fun and not just work."

I nodded and laughed when Emmett started banging on a cowbell.

"Okay. Five count, Rosalie?" Edward asked. She nodded and everyone got quiet.

She counted off and Edward immediately started playing the familiar song. A few notes later, Jasper joined in. Alice started swaying side to side while slapping the tambourine against her hip, waiting for her turn to start singing.

"He's got a smile that seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories where everything was as fresh as a bright blue sky," she sang along with the rhythm Rosalie was setting. I smiled when she glared at me and started hitting my own tambourine against my other hand, shaking it so the cymbals on the side would chime.

Alice nodded at the chorus and Edward and Rosalie sang along with her. "Oh, oh, oh, sweet child of mine. Sweet love of mine."

She twirled between us, still shaking the tambourine with the beat. When it got closer to the next verse she stopped in front of Jasper and smiled while swaying her hips back and forth. When she started singing again, her eyes never left his. "He's got eyes of the bluest skies…"

Jasper smiled as she leaned into him while singing the rest of the verse. She kissed him quickly before dancing her way back to me. During the guitar solo she grabbed my arms and made me dance along with her.

"You're singing with me, Bella!" she yelled over the music. I shook my head, but she ignored me. "Do it! Ready?"

Sighing, I nodded and rolled my eyes. "Where do we go? Where do we go now?" I sang quietly.

"Louder!" Alice yelled and started jumping around.

"Oh, oh, oh sweet child of mine," the two of us finished loudly.

The song finished and everyone laughed, including me. Alice took a bow and then leaned forward to kiss my cheek. "Absolutely beautiful, my dear!"

The rest of the room clapped and I knew I had to be beet read.

"Who's next?" Alice asked, spinning to look at everyone else.

"Me!" Emmett yelled excitedly. He basically shoved Rosalie off the stool behind the drum set. She stood up, laughing, and then slapped his shoulder when he hit her ass with a drum stick. "Babe, are you going to sing with me?"

"You're singing and playing?" Edward asked his brother when Rosalie said yes.

"Uh, it isn't a difficult song," Emmett laughed. To prove his point, he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and did a quick sequence on the drums. "You aren't the only musician in the family, asshat."

Edward rolled his eye before smiling at me.

"I want to do the cowbell," Alice said quickly. She left me standing next to Edward and got it off the table and went to sit on a stool next to Jasper.

"What are you going to play?" Edward quietly asked me.

I shrugged and lifted my tambourine. He nodded reluctantly and pushed a stool closer to me using his foot. He wanted me to play an actual instrument, I knew that, but I didn't want to, especially with everyone in here. I sat down, tucking my feet into the bar that ran along the bottom of the stool.

"Everyone ready?" Emmett asked. His face was lit up with excitement.

We all nodded and Emmett started moving his head along with the beat in his mind.

"Mock— " He started singing. A simple drum beat followed.

"Yeah—" Rosalie sang after him, the guitar joining in now.

"Ing—"

"Yeah—"

"Bird—"

"Yeah—"

Alice started hitting the cowbell with deliberate and sarcastic enthusiasm.

"Mockingbird. Now, everybody have you heard? He's gonna buy me a mocking bird," Emmett and Rosalie sang together.

I giggled at Emmett's seriousness because the song was just so silly.

"Yeah, yeah… Whoa, whoa… Mama!" Emmett sang while Rosalie pranced around the drum set.

There was supposed to be a saxophone solo, but since we didn't have one, Edward and Jasper improvised with the guitars. Jasper's hand slapped a deep rhythm on the bass, while Edward plucked the melody. I hit the tambourine against my leg, keeping the beat that Emmett was setting, and smiled when Edward turned around to look at me. He moved to stand in front of me, his head moving with the beat of the music. Emmett and Rosalie started singing again, and Edward smiled at his brother's exuberance.

"You're going next," he mouthed silently. His eyebrows rose when I shook my head, silently asking me why not.

"Please… don't," I mouthed back to him. Edward sighed and shook his head but kept playing.

We finished the song and Alice gave a little extra flourish on the cowbell, making everyone laugh.

"Such a great fucking song!" Emmett yelled excitedly. His fingers twirled a drumstick as he looked around the room. "Who's next? It has to be Bella or Edward because I don't want to give up the drums yet."

"Why don't you guys go get a drink and let me make sure we're still good in the booth," Edward answered him, still looking at me. If he was trying to be subtle it wasn't working.

"I'll bring you guys a water," Alice said. Jasper waited for her at the door, and then they left together, following Rosalie and Emmett.

Edward moved to stand between my legs and leaned forward. I looked up at him, smiling when his lips touched mine.

"Why are you so nervous around me?" he whispered.

"I'm…"

"Don't say you aren't Bella, because I can feel it. Anytime I mention something about you playing or writing songs, you freeze. I can touch you and kiss you, that doesn't bother you, but if I ask you to goof around with your friends, you shrink away from me. From all of us," Edward said quietly.

His forehead leaned against mine, and I widened my legs to accommodate him and the guitar that was between us, letting him lean in closer to me.

"Edward…" I said quietly. "I'm just not used to this. It's been three years and… while parts of it feel so right, other parts of it are still awkward for me."

He nodded and opened his eyes to look at me. "I'm jealous."

"Of what?" I asked him. "Edward, you have nothing to be jealous of."

"I tried to teach you to play before, and I couldn't. And now someone else has shown you how, and you play with them… you let them hear your music. I just… I want to be a part of that too. I want you to share it with me, because I've always shared my music with you."

I stared at him, completely overwhelmed with what he had just said. "It isn't that I don't want to or don't trust you… I'm just… You're intimidating, Edward."

He pulled away slightly and I shook my head, holding onto his arm.

"You're a really good musician," I explained quickly. "You're a freaking Grammy winner, and I'm…"

"Don't," Edward said, cutting me off. "Don't start… you've never looked at me like that before and… you can't start now."

"What…"

"I don't want to be that Edward Cullen with you. I don't want you to look at me and see that. I don't care if you suck, Bella. I want you to be able to be yourself with me, with all of us. I love you and you can't hide pieces of yourself away from me," he said. "Please don't hide from me."

Edward's eyes were wide with panic and worry. I nodded, running my hands over his face and trying to reassure him. I didn't realize that he would take me being insecure around him like this. It wasn't that I was purposefully hiding from him, but I was so used to keeping everything to myself. I had learned not to share things with people, because it made keeping them at arm's length easier. Sharing my feelings, emotions, worries… none of that was something I did easily anymore. But I could see that it was something I definitely had to work on.

"I don't want to sing by myself," I whispered. My eyes held his, watching as he reacted to what I was telling him.

"I can sing with you."

Nodding, I ran my fingers down his arm and slowly ran them over the guitar strings. "I don't want to play with everyone else in here. But, I'll play for you."

He smiled as my fingers gently picked at the guitar strings. Edward's hand moved mine along the neck of the guitar, telling me which fret and chord to use. His fingers moved with mine as he taught me the first chords to his "happy song."

"G, C, G…" Edward said slowly. My fingers moved over the notes as he said them. "C, D, G"

I smiled and looked up at him as I played them by myself.

"You, my… brown eyed girl," Edward sang quietly along with the notes. "Do you remember when we used to sing…"

"Shla la la la la la la…" We sang together.

I smiled when he leaned forward to kiss me, cutting off the rest of the lyrics. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to me. It was the most awkward kiss ever, him leaning over me with a guitar stuck between the two of us, but it was probably the sweetest kiss I'd ever had.

"Are we still good?" Emmett's voice asked from behind us.

Edward sighed before standing up, but smiled at his brother. "Yup, we're good."

I caught the water bottle that Alice tossed me and blushed when she winked at me.

"Alright Bella," Jasper smiled and picked up an electric guitar. "Don't make me wait… please."

I laughed, but nodded my head. "Edward's going to sing with me."

"Oh, good. He won't hog the guitar solo then," Jasper smiled and plugged the guitar into an amp.

"Whatever," Edward laughed. He pulled the guitar off of his shoulder and leaned back into to kiss me. "You're singing with me?"

I nodded and slid off my stool. "I think we should all sing the chorus though, because honestly… how can you not?"

"Excellent point indeed!" Emmett yelled. He pointed a drum stick at me before sitting down.

"Cowbell!" Rosalie yelled before Alice could call it.

"Stevie Nicks plays the tambourine," I told Alice. She smiled when I handed her the extra one.

"Well, if it is good enough for Ms. Nicks, then I guess I can make do," she said. Her voice was laced with an indignant huff that was completely exaggerated.

Jasper played a few notes, while everyone got situated. Alice walked up to him and coyly ran a finger up his arm and over his shoulder. "Mr. Whitlock, your groove I do deeply dig."

"Too bad that's from one of the cheesiest songs ever. It had a fucking pull whistle in it," Edward said with a laugh. Alice ignored him and let Jasper pull her toward him.

"I tripped acid and watched that video, worst mistake ever." We all looked at Emmett and he shrugged. "VH1."

"Count down the beat," Rosalie said with a laugh. She rolled her eyes, but smiled when he started counting. Soon after he started drumming, his deep voice started making little "whoa whoa" noises that made all of us laugh.

"Do you want me to go first?" Edward asked me. I nodded and smiled as Jasper's guitar joined in.

Edward grabbed one of the microphone stands and moved it so that it was standing in-between us. He turned it on and smiled before starting the lyrics. "Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike, been down on his luck. It's tough, so tough…"

He raised his eyebrow, challenging me as we got closer to the next verse. I nodded and bit my lip before smiling at him.

"She said we've got to hold on to what we've got, it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not…"I sang quietly. I let Edward's voice carry over mine, but he didn't seem to mind. "We've got each other and that's a lot for love…"

"Here we go!" Emmett yelled. His head moved up and down as his arms beat out a steady rhythm.

I looked past Edward to see Alice jumping up and down in front of Jasper and Rosalie holding the cowbell over her head, beating it with a drum stick.

"Whoa! We're halfway there! Whoa livin' on a prayer! Take my hand; we'll make it I swear, livin' on a prayer!" All six of our voices sang in unison.

I sang along through the next verse, watching as Edward's eyes closed. It made me want to laugh because even joking around, he was still a serious musician. The rest of were goofing off, but Edward was still hitting each note perfectly.

"Come on, Bella!" Emmett yelled playfully. "This is your fucking song, don't let him steal it!"

Alice skipped over to me, jumping and dancing while slapping the tambourine against her hip. Edward watched me, seeing if I would take Emmett's bait. I bit my lip and then smiled at Edward. He raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded.

"We've got to hold on to what we've got! It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not! We've got each other and that's a lot for love… we'll give it a shot!" I sang loudly and by myself.

Everyone else joined in at the chorus and I took Alice's hand and danced around. She wove us in between everyone else, slapping Edward's hand away when he reached out for me. I laughed, but stopped in front of him.

He was laughing and smiling, looking so much like the Edward I had fallen in love with. Alice had skipped back over to Jasper leaving Edward free to reach forward for me. He held onto my hips, moving me with the music. Smiling, I pulled the hair tie off of my wrist and pulled my hair up into a ponytail.

"Oh shit, she's serious now," Emmett laughed.

"We've got to hold on to what we've got! You live for the fight when that's all that you've got!" I sang loudly. Edward joined in at the chorus and started jumping up and down as we finished the song. When it was done, the six of us erupted in a loud applause.

Edward pulled me to him, laying kisses across my neck as his hands ran over my back.

"I love you," I said softly so that only he could hear me.

He nodded and squeezed me tightly. "I love you too."

"This kid is going to come out being a fucking rock and roll genius, I am telling you!" Emmett said with a loud laugh. We all stood still, the only sound being Rosalie's hand connecting with the back of Emmett's head.

Edward let me go and slowly turned around to look at his brother. Rosalie was blushing, looking nervous and excited, while Emmett just shrugged and smiled. Alice had her hands covering her mouth and was practically vibrating from excitement. Jasper and I just looked at each other and then back at Rosalie and Emmett.

"You're…?" Edward asked slowly. Rosalie nodded as Emmett wrapped his arms around her.

"You're having a baby?" Alice squeaked.

"We're having a baby," Rosalie said, smiling and holding on to Emmett's arm.

The four of us surrounded the two of them, and the room became nothing but a blur of hugs and kisses mixed with congratulations.

"We didn't want to say anything until after the Grammys," Rosalie explained. Edward shook his head and hugged her.

"This is so much better than a fucking Grammy!" he said excitedly. "Mom and Dad don't know?"

"Nope. You guys are the first," Emmett said. His arm was slung around Alice's shoulder, making her look like a stuffed toy. "And I guess while we're making announcements we should tell you guys that we're getting married too."

I laughed at how casual he sounded, but hugged both of them again.

Rosalie held on to me when I hugged her, keeping me close enough to hear her whisper, "I'm so glad you came back. I didn't want to miss sharing this with you."

Unexpected tears filled my eyes and I nodded, holding her tightly but still being careful. "I wouldn't have missed this for the world. You know that."

Rosalie let me go and laughed while she wiped her eyes. She smiled when Edward came up behind me and hugged me to him, and then went to find Emmett. Edward's nose skimmed across the back of my shoulder before he kissed my neck and then the shell of my ear.

"Is this… something you want someday?" he asked me quietly.

Shock and nervousness ran through my body, knocking the breath of out my lungs. Edward moved so that he was standing in front of me, blocking my view of everyone else. He looked concerned as he watched my face. My eyes were probably as wide as saucers when he lifted my chin to make me look at him.

"Bella?" he whispered. I shuddered when his thumb ran over my chin. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"We haven't even had sex…" I muttered, blushing furiously. "I mean…"

He smiled and shook his head. "I didn't mean today or tomorrow. I didn't even mean next year."

"Then why would you ask me that? We just started dating yesterday…"

Edward shrugged before saying, "Because I know I don't want or need anything but you. I love you, and I always will."

He hugged me and I leaned my head against his shoulder. As his hands ran up and down my back, I watched Rosalie and Emmett talking to Jasper and Alice. I saw Emmett's hands carefully rubbing Rosalie's stomach as he stood behind her. I noticed how happy she looked while showing Alice the ring on her left hand. Was that something I could have with Edward someday? It was overwhelming to think about, especially since I'd had more than enough big news since I'd gotten to LA.

"I didn't say that to scare you," Edward whispered against my ear.

Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I hugged him tighter to me. "You didn't…"

"I just wanted you to know…"

My head turned to kiss his neck and I nodded. "I love you, Edward. I don't want anyone else."

"That's all I need to know," he whispered and kissed the top of my head.

Edward acted distracted the rest of the night, talking only when specifically asked something. When we got back to the hotel, I awkwardly followed behind him. Emmett and Rosalie got off on the sixth floor, Alice and Jasper on the tenth. I was on the sixteenth floor, while Edward was on the eleventh. Once the doors closed and we were alone, I nervously looked at the buttons.

"Um…" I muttered quietly. Without saying anything Edward reached forward and hit the button for my floor.

"Do you mind?" he asked me quietly. "I just… I've been in my room for over a week. I'm sick of it."

I shook my head and laughed. "No I don't mind, but you do realize my room is smaller than yours. It's… still a hotel room."

"I want to be with you," he said quietly. "I wouldn't care if it was in a cardboard box."

And just like that my sappy heart melted. He followed me out of the elevator and watched as I unlocked the door. I hadn't even made it past the closet when Edward's hand grabbed me. His mouth on mine muffled my yell of surprise.

"I'm so fucking stupid," he muttered under his breath. His lips skimmed across my jaw to my ear. "Please just… ignore anything I say from now on."

"Wait," I said, leaning my head back. "What are you talking about?"

Edward shook his head and pulled my hips closer to his. "I shouldn't have said anything tonight."

I pushed on his shoulders, slowly moving away from his lips and hands. "What are you…"

"Bringing up getting married and having a baby? Really? What the hell was I thinking? I wouldn't have been surprised if you had run away screaming," Edward groaned. I watched as he fell back against the bed. His eyes closed and he shook his head. "I'm sorry."

I moved to sit next to him, and smiled when his hand reached out for mine.

"It isn't... I mean…" I mumbled, trying to think of what to say.

"We've known each other for so long and I've… I've been in love with you for three years. It's just hard to realize that we've only been dating a day," Edward explained quietly. He rolled over on his side and looked up at me. "I really do want to take this slow. I don't want to scare you. I just… saw how happy Emmett and Rosalie were, and I got excited thinking that that could be us."

"There isn't anything wrong with being excited about the future, Edward," I told him. He nodded and I leaned down and gently kissed his lips. "And for future reference, I do want a family someday."

He laughed and pulled me down to him. Lying on my side, he wrapped his arms around me and held me against him. We were quiet for a few minutes before he sighed and tightened his grip around me.

"You're leaving tomorrow," he whispered.

I nodded and kissed his shoulder.

"I won't get to see you for three weeks." Edward's hands slipped under the back of my shirt when I nodded again. "We might not get any sleep tonight," he whispered, kissing my lips gently.

"I can live with that," I whispered back to him. My own hands slid under his shirt and I pulled it off of him without giving him an option of telling me no.

**A/N: Dear Super fly, I cockblocked this just for you. Xoxo, Fork. PS… thanks to Jadedandboring for looking this over for me. My little Miss Maggie was bogged with work, and I wanted to post this before I left. Do you guys have happy songs? Mines Living on Prayer, Don't Stop Believing, and My Sharona.**


	21. Spell

_**Don't own Twilight or anything else. What are Jasper and Rosalie's happy songs? Jasper's is The Joker by the Steve Miller Band. Rosalie's is Long Cool Woman by the Hollies.**_

_**Two songs in this chapter. I highly suggest that you listen to both because they express way more than I ever could.**_

"**All my life I've stumbled, but up here I am just perfect… as perfect as I'll ever be. I have you…" Spell, Marie Digby**

How had I managed to live three years without Edward? It had only been two weeks since I'd left LA and it already felt like years. We were constantly texting or calling each other just to try and ease the ache of being apart from each other. Late at night when there was nothing else to say, we would fall asleep while listening to each other breathe. It made it easier at the time, but waking up the morning after in an empty bed always felt wrong, like we had been cheated out of the end of a good dream.

But instead of sitting at home and counting down the hours until Edward would be here, I spent the majority of my time at Vivre. I still hadn't agreed to working with Jasper, but was seriously considering it. Being wrapped up in the Grammys and then in Edward, I had forgotten how much I actually liked writing. I had written two new songs since I had gotten back, and neither one of them were sad and depressing. It made me feel better to know that I wasn't limited to desperate lyrics. The words were lighter - more hopeful - while the music was airy and free flowing. Everyone at the store noticed the difference in my writing and they were nothing but encouraging.

I had been worried about what my friends would say once I got back to Austin. I wondered if they would treat me differently, knowing that I knew Edward. But, the worrying was for nothing. They acted like they always did. No one asked about the Grammys, or asked if Edward and I were together. Garrett, whom I was especially concerned about, only asked me if I was okay. Our friendship went back to being carefree and maybe a little easier now that there wasn't an awkward one-sided attraction. It made me happy that my life finally seemed balanced. I had my own life and I had Edward. And as soon as he wrapped up everything in Seattle, he would be moving to Austin. We would be together… finally.

"Bella!" Garrett yelled, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

I shook my head and looked at him. "Sorry… what?"

He laughed before shaking his head. His fingers pushed a folded piece of paper across the glass counter top. I picked it up and read it quickly. It was a flyer for an open mic night at a new bar that was nearly always impossible to get in to. Anytime they had an open night, the slots would fill up before you could even try to register. I nodded when Garrett told me that he had already signed up. I continued reading the same details as all the other clubs, must be original songs blah… blah… I looked at the date and frowned.

"This is tonight."

"Yup," Garrett nodded. He leaned across the counter and smiled. "I think we should do one of the new ones. We can see how people react to it."

"Yeah, Jessica could sing it. She would probably be really good actually," I told him.

"Good! I've already had her working on it in the back," Garret said. He pulled the paper out of my hands and shrugged when I mock glared at him. "Tonight at seven then?"

I laughed but agreed. "Yeah. I'm going to go now then so I can finish some stuff up before tonight." It was already five, and I wanted to be able to call Edward before the show.

"Tell him I said hello," he joked. My cheeks flushed and Garrett laughed, but didn't push the issue. "See ya in a few hours."

I waved and left the store. Making my way across the street to my apartment, I tried not to feel like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Garrett hadn't said that to make me feel bad, he was just trying to be funny, but I still hadn't really told Edward about Garrett. I was pretty sure the whole jealously thing about the guitar would only increase if he found out it was a guy who had taught me. Not to mention the fact that Garrett had kissed me. I would have to take care of it before Edward got here.

Sitting in the oversized armchair, I called Edward. My heart rate quickened as I waited the few seconds for it to connect. When it went straight to his voicemail, I frowned. Edward never turned his phone off. I listened to the generic recording of his number and waited for the beep.

"Hey," I said softly, feeling giddy and nervous. "I guess you're working or something. Um… They're doing an open mic night tonight, and Jessica is going to sing one of my songs. Kind of nervous about it… Anyway, I hope you're having a good day. I'll try to call you again before I leave tonight. I love you."

Trying not to feel disappointed, I got up and went to get ready. I didn't put very much effort into it and after showering, pulled on jeans and a casual top. I didn't touch my hair, leaving it down and uncontrollably curly as always. I tried to call Edward two more times, feeling more and more agitated when it kept going to his voicemail.

By the time I left the apartment I was running late and felt beyond frustrated. I hurriedly checked in at the back door and shoved my way through the mess of people lining the hallway. When I finally found Garrett, he was pacing in a small circle holding his phone to his ear. When he saw me, he snapped the phone shut.

"Where the hell have you been? Don't you answer phone calls anymore?" He asked. I frowned and looked at my phone. It didn't show any missed calls or text messages.

"I didn't know…" I told him. I held my phone up, showing him the empty screen. "Where are Jessica and Sam?"

"Jessica fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. Gramps and Emily are at the hospital with her and Sam is out front trying to find you. Bella you have to sing tonight," Garrett explained quickly. I started to shake my head but he stopped me. "We've waited five months to get a slot here. We can't not play; they'll never let us come back!"

"Then play something else! You sing and I'll play!" I tried to reason with him. "Garret, I suck! If I sing they will… I dunno… throw beer bottles at the stage or something!"

"You don't suck! All of that negativity is in your head, Bella. I know I said I wouldn't ever push you to do this, but you have to. Eventually you have to let go of… whatever it is that you keep holding on to. Who gives a shit if they don't like you? Sing for yourself, not someone else!"

I stood there completely terrified. Garrett kept trying to persuade me, picking up the guitar case and handing it to me. Sam rejoined us and immediately started nudging me toward the back, telling me I needed to warm up.

"Bella it's a three minute song. Three minutes out of the hundreds of thousands you will have the rest of your life. Please trust me," Garrett begged. He pulled my guitar out of the case and held it out for me, his eyes silently pleading.

"You so fucking owe me!" I snapped at him. I grabbed the neck of my guitar and huffed while I pulled it over my shoulder.

Sam laughed while Garrett nodded. The three of us quickly made our way through the hallway and out into the back alley. We rushed through a quick rehearsal, and by the time our name was called I was positive I would puke on stage.

"Up next we have Bella Swan, singing with The Fakers. Give it up everybody!" The MC's voice was enthusiastic and slightly annoying.

"Breathe," Garrett told me. It sounded like a whisper against the volume of people clapping.

Swallowing several times, I followed Sam and Garrett onto the stage. I nearly tripped over a cord, but steadied myself before I face planted. The boys gave me reassuring looks before taking their places. While Garrett sat behind the piano, Sam moved the mic stand closer to me. He lowered it to fit my height.

"Thank you," I whispered. He nodded and patted my arm. After we got situated, the crowd got quiet and I took a deep breath before stepping up to the microphone.

Gentle notes starting playing from the piano behind me and my eyes closed. I counted the measured beats and started moving my fingers, letting the guitar's soothing humming join the piano. The seconds inched closer to the start of the vocals. My lips pressed together, and I thought about the only thing that made me relax.

As I opened my mouth to sing, I pictured Edward standing in front of me. We were the only two people in the room, and as I sang his fingers gently ran over the top of my arms. His delicate voice whispered the chords to keep me from forgetting their sequence.

I smiled as his imaginary breath tickled my neck. My voice kept singing and fingers kept playing. My imaginary Edward slowly circled around me, humming along with the music. His fingertips danced across my shoulders and back, reminding me that he was there.

We were locked into a dizzying dance, my imaginary Edward and me. His calming presence draped over me, blocking out everything but the music and him. He walked around me, spinning a web of peace and warmth. I smiled and delicately moved my head with the piano notes that swirled around me. The music stopped as my voice drifted off into nothingness, letting the last note float.

The sudden sound of people clapping made me open my eyes. I blinked at the bright light shining on me, and smiled awkwardly. Garrett's arm pulled me into a sideways hug, and I laughed at his excitement. The three of us bowed our heads in appreciation before walking off the stage.

"That… You were incredible!" Garrett yelled.

"Thank you," I said softly. Blushing, I put my guitar back into its case and listened to Garrett and Sam recap the entire performance.

"You hit it perfectly. Seriously, I've never heard you sound like that before," Sam told me. "I don't know why you've been hiding that voice from us."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I laughed. "I sang like I always do."

"Oh no. No. No. No. You sounded totally different," Garrett argued. "God, I wish we would have had someone here to record it. You were fantastic, Bella. It was sexy but still teasingly innocent. It was amazing."

"Oh," I said lamely. I didn't know what else to say. Was I supposed to tell them that I had conjured my boyfriend up, having an imaginary version of him walking around me? That sounded crazy even thinking about it. "I guess I just connected with the song."

The boys continued talking; their enthusiasm made me smile wider. We were packing up Sam's instrument when my phone started vibrating from my back pocket. I pulled it out and smiled when I saw that it was Edward.

"I'll be right back," I told both of them. They nodded and I slipped out into the alley to answer the call on my cell phone. "Hey!" I said excitedly.

My voice rushed into a story mode, explaining what had just happened. I hadn't even finished the first sentence when he interrupted me.

"Where are you?" Edward asked me. His voice was loud, yelling over the sound of people talking.

"I'm in an alley behind the club we just played at! Where are you? I can hardly hear you!" I yelled, hoping he could hear me. He said something, but it was drowned out by the sound of an electric guitar. "Hello?!" I yelled louder.

When he didn't answer me I ended the call. I quickly dialed his number again, waited as it rang and cussed when it went to his voicemail. "Damn phones!" I yelled. Taking a deep breath, I tried again.

"Hello?" His voice answered after a second. It was much quieter now.

"Where are you? I could hardly hear you," I asked him.

Edward laughed quietly before answering me. "I'm like thirty feet behind you."

I quickly turned around. He laughed louder and quickened his pace while I stood there like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. When he reached me I shook my head, asking him what he was doing here.

"I live here now," Edward said sarcastically.

He pulled away the phone I was still holding against my ear and shove it in his pocket. Once his hands were free, they immediately worked themselves into my hair. Edward pulled me toward him and I went willingly.

We became nothing but a frenzy of roaming hands, crushing lips, and enticing tongues. His panting breath mixed with my wanting sighs, making a sultry song together. My skin tingled from his fiery touches mixing with the coolness of the air around us. My arms wound their way around his neck and I pushed the hoodie off of his head so that my fingers could thread themselves into his hair.

"We… have… to… stop," Edward panted. I nodded but kept kissing his neck. His head leaned back while his fingers tightened around my hips, pulling me harder against him. A ferial growl rumbled in his chest when I nipped at his earlobe. "I really don't want to do this in an alleyway," Edward's voice ground out. "If we don't stop…"

"Promise me you won't stop me later," I demanded. He nodded and I shook my head. "Say it."

Edward's lips moved against my ear and I shivered. "I promise I won't stop tonight until you absolutely beg me to."

A desperate moan escaped my mouth. Edward smiled and loosened his grip on me, but still found ways to keep his hands on me. I watched as his hands smoothed out my shirt… he was such a tease.

"You're here a week early," I told him. He nodded. "Why? How did you know I was here?"

"Well the short version is that I told the label I could work on their promotion bullshit here. Jasper and Alice were going to just drop me off at your apartment, but you weren't there. So we went by some record store and they said you were singing here," Edward explained.

"Oh."

"Imagine my surprise when someone says that you're singing… in public," he teased me. "We decided to watch. Alice and Jasper are still inside, but I wanted to come find you."

"So you saw the performance?" I whispered.

"Mmm," he nodded. "It was…"

"Horrible?" I finished for him.

Edward shook his head. "It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen in my life."

"Oh please," I muttered sarcastically.

"It was very annoying to have to stand in the back," he said, ignoring my remark. "I hope I can get a repeat performance later on."

I smiled and pulled on the front of his jacket. "That's funny. I was hoping for repeat performances tonight too."

Edward's laughed echoed around the empty alleyway. His mouth opened to say something, but the back door opened and Sam and Garrett started calling my name.

"Bell—" Garrett's voice yelled, but stopped when he saw me.

"Hey," I said casually. Sam and Garrett's eyes moved from me to Edward. They widened slightly when he moved to stand behind me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. _Yup, definite jealousy_, I thought to myself. "Guys, this is Edward Cullen. Edward this is Sam and Garrett."

They all muttered pleasantries and the awkwardness ensued. Thankfully we were saved a few minutes later by Alice and Jasper. I thanked Garrett when he handed me my guitar case and jacket. He asked me if everything was okay and I nodded. Soon after I was sitting in the back of some rental car, watching as Jasper navigated his way through downtown Austin.

"Am I taking y'all to Bella's apartment or the hotel?" he asked Edward and me.

I looked at Edward, hoping he would say the hotel. I loved Jessica and really hoped that she was okay, but I didn't want to worry about her overhearing anything tonight.

"Hotel?" Edward asked me.

I nodded, and Alice resumed the previous conversation. She was talking about looking at houses and apartment, something Edward probably should have been paying attention to. Instead he was too busy drawing patterns around my thigh with his fingers.

My teeth were already digging into my bottom lip as a distraction to his fingers and to try and keep myself from moaning. When his fingers slipped between my thighs and resumed their pattern making, I closed my eyes and grabbed onto his arm.

"So really it just depends on where you want to live, Edward. I've made some phone calls to meet with a few realtors tomorrow," Alice said.

"Sound good," Edward answered her. _How the hell could he be so damn calm?_ My nails were practically digging into his arm while his fingers brushed against my very sensitive center. "I'm going to need to get a car too."

_Cars?! He's concerned about cars?!_

Edward's fingers pushed against me, making the seam of my jeans rub against me and a quiet gasping breath left my mouth. Thankfully Edward was the only one who had heard it. My eyes opened and I saw him watching me. His eyes were wide and curious and a small smile sat on his lips.

We shouldn't be doing this, especially with Jasper and Alice in the car. But it had been so long since he had touched me like this, and the promise of what was to come only made it easier to let my inhibitions go. Alice and Jasper were talking about roads to take, arguing with the GPS. And in a split second decision I made up my mind.

"This better count as foreplay because I don't want anything but you when we get into that fucking hotel room," I whispered to Edward. His eyes widened at my words but he nodded.

I moved my legs out, letting his hand slip further between my thighs. As he pushed and rubbed against me, my hips moved with him. My eyes stayed connected with his, and I watched as they got more and more primal.

"Come on," Edward whispered. His voice was rough and tender at the same time.

I nodded as he moved quicker, and pushed back against the seat as a wave of bliss washed over me. My legs clamped shut around his hand, holding him where he was. I let my eyes slip closed; embarrassed by the way he was looking at me and by what we had just done. A soft squeeze on my thigh made me open my eyes and I looked back at Edward.

"I love you," he told me. His voice was louder now, not caring if Alice or Jasper heard him.

"I love you too." I said back.

His fingers went back to drawing patterns on my leg and we rode the rest of the way to the hotel in silence, listening to Alice's continued discussion on where Edward should live in Austin.

***** ** *****

"**I believe in what I see, and baby we were meant to be. Just believe…" All For Believing, Missy Higgins**

My hands were hurried, trying to pull off as many pieces of his clothing as I could. Edward kept stopping me, telling me to slow down, and I would for a few minutes. But then our kisses would get more intense and his fingers would slowly dance over my skin. Then I would forget what he had said and start rushing again.

"Bella, please…" Edward whispered. His hands stilled my fingers that were trying to unbutton his jeans.

"But I want you, Edward… please… you promised…"

I was cut off by his lips on mine. "I'm not going to fuck you, Bella."

"You promised!" I yelled, pulling away from his mouth.

His hand gently fisted in my hair, holding my head in place. "We're going to make love, Bella. I'm not going to rush this because I want us to enjoy every second of it. Do you understand?" Edward spoke soft whispers against my lips.

I nodded, feeling like an idiot. He was trying to be romantic, and I was rushing through this like a hormonal teenager. Deciding to just keep my mouth shut, I let him take the lead.

He slowly and carefully pulled my shirt over my head. In turn I kissed his bare shoulders, letting my hands touch and caress his skin. Edward unbuttoned my jeans, letting his fingers dance around my bellybutton and waist. As he knelt down to slide my legs out of the pants, my hands ran through his hair. I gently scratched his scalp while his lips kissed over my stomach.

"I love you," he spoke against my stomach, in between kisses.

"I love you too," I told him.

Edward helped me balance myself while his hands pulled my panties off of my body and down my legs. He stood back up, kissing and licking at my skin as he did so. When his lips finally came back to mine, I tentatively let my hands slide over his stomach to the fly of his jeans.

He didn't protest when I undid the button, instead he just cupped my face and placed small kisses against my lips. I finished undoing his jeans, and with far less grace that he had done with mine, I pushed them and his boxers down his legs. His kissing didn't stop; he just stepped out of his clothes and started walking the two of us back to the bed.

"I want you," Edward's voice was soft and caring. "I've wanted you for three years."

My hand slipped between us with the intention of making sure he was… ready. But when my fingers made contact, his hand was already there.

"Can I?" I asked in an embarrassed whisper.

Edward nodded and leaned his forehead against mine. My fingers moved over him, loving the contrast of soft silky skin over hard strained muscle. As I work on him, his hands traveled up my sides and around my back. When they reached the clasp of my bra I stopped moving.

"Can I?" he asked, repeating my words.

"Edward," I said quietly, shaking my head.

I started to pull away from him, shying away from the one thing that I hadn't ever done with him. It was stupid, I knew that. Edward had seen every inch of me, but I hadn't been completely naked with him. Ever. It was the same insecurities and fears from before that made me want to hide away from him.

"Hey," Edward's soothing voice stopped me. "I want to see you."

"You've seen them before," I muttered.

"Please," he pleaded in a soft whisper. "I love you."

I looked up at him while his hands moved over the fabric on my back.

"I love you," Edward repeated.

His fingers unhooked one of the clasps, and then another. Edward's eyes never left mine, gauging my reactions to what he was doing. When the last hook was undone, his hands slid across my back and up my shoulders. As his fingers slid under the straps of my bra, he leaned forward and kissed me gently.

"I love you," he said again. Edward kept repeating himself, continually reminding me that this wasn't like it was before. My arms uncrossed from my chest, and I let him pull the last piece of clothing away from me. His eyes still held mine, and I let him push me back against the bed.

I'd never felt so exposed in my entire life, but I'd also never felt as beautiful or wanted. Edward's hands moved over my body, caressing and touching as he moved between my legs. His hands slipped under my knees, bending them and pushing my legs further apart. My entire body hummed in response to his touches. He slowly lined himself up with me, and carefully leaned over me.

"Tell me," Edward said, resting his weight on his elbows. "Please tell me…"

"I love you," I told him. My back arched up against him as he slid into me.

"Again," he begged.

My hands held onto his shoulders and my hips moved with his, trying to keep him as close to me as possible.

"I love you, Edward," I whimpered. My head pushed back against the bed, but I refused to let my eyes close.

Edward's fingers wound through the top of my hair as his forehead rested against mine. His nose grazed over mine as he moved forward and backwards, slowly. My brown met his green, both of us refusing to break the link we had created. It was slow and beautiful, like the music he had written for me.

"Always, Bella," Edward's ragged whisper fanned over my face. "I'll always love you."

I nodded; my voice was blocked by the knot of emotion that sat in my throat. My hands moved over his shoulders and into the back of his hair. Tears rolled down the side of my face and into my hair as Edward continued the steady rhythm.

"Baby, don't cry. Please," he pleaded.

"I… love you…" I told him, gasping for breath and fighting off the familiar unraveling feeling that was starting in my toes and working its way up my legs. I didn't want this to end yet. I wanted to stay with him in this moment forever.

"I promised you, Bella. Until you tell me to stop," Edward heavy breath fell against my lips.

"Forever?" I asked him. My voice was strained from every muscle in my body tightening, waiting for the expected release that was coming. "Promise me forever, Edward."

"I'll give you forever. I promise."

His words unlocked the barrier that I had been holding onto. Edward's lips fell against mine, mixing kisses with whispers of devotion and moans of ecstasy. We both fell, wrapped around each other, begging and giving. It was pain and pleasure mixed into something invisible, yet heavy and almost tangible. It was everything good and perfect about both of us, leaving us panting and wanting for more.

"You love me," I breathed.

Edward nodded and his eyes slipped closed. "Forever."

_Forever._

A/N: All of this fluff is killing me, seriously. I'm just going to warn you guys that I'm not a sex every chapter kind of girl. It isn't realistic to have that much sex without chaffing or getting a UTI, and I'm not really interested in writing about that shit. So… yeah. Superfly… this is alllllll yours!


	22. Paparazzi

"**Baby, you'll be famous. Chase you down until you love me, papa-paparazzi," Paparazzi, Lady Gaga**

Last night with Edward had been... well it wasn't exactly perfect because of my self-esteem issues, but it had been pretty damn close. It was three years worth of repressed feelings finally coming to the surface and washing over both of us and making everything new… better. So if we were comparing last night to this morning, I would say it was a definite down grade.

Leaning over a toilet, puking and crying as Edward sat on the edge of the bathtub holding my hair while promising that everything would be fine, was so not how I wanted the morning after our semi-perfect-night to go. But the second that Edward had told me that a video of me singing had been sent to TMZ and was now on the internet for millions of people to see, I freaked. Then he refused to actually let me see the video, so I barricaded myself in the bathroom and watched it on my phone. And it was a really good thing that I was in the bathroom, because it wasn't three seconds later that I was heaving into the five-star hotel toilet.

It might have been an extreme reaction, and yeah, maybe I was making a huge deal out of something that wasn't "that bad," but to me… this was hell. I hadn't wanted to sing in the first place, but did it anyway. Playing for the few hundred people in that club had been bad enough, but now… now anyone and their damn uncle could see that performance! It was all of my insecurities laid out for the world to scrutinize. My voice, the song, my guitar playing, the way my body looked… God! This was literally a freaking nightmare!

After heaving until there was nothing left, and then sitting on the cold tiled floor listening to Edward trying to reassure me, I was exhausted. We got back in bed and I tried to calm down while Edward wrapped his body around mine. I cried, because it was apparently all I could do, while he promised me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. It was a sweet sentiment, and it made me feel better, but it wasn't realistic. To a certain point maybe he could protect me, but logically he couldn't. He couldn't stop people from voicing their opinions or leaving rude comments on the gossip sites that were posting things about me.

So what could we do? What could I do? Edward was a celebrity, and even if I wasn't, I would be associated with him. That meant pictures, videos, gossip… all of it, being thrown around. This was a part of Edward's life. Bottom line - was I willing to put up with all of this to be a part of his life too? The answer was absolutely yes. I would take the good with the bad, because at the end of the day, Edward was worth it.

When Edward's breathing evened out and I was sure that he was asleep, I slipped out of the bed and into the front sitting room of his suite. I grabbed his laptop and did the worst thing imaginable, I Googled myself. Expecting a few things about the Grammys and the new TMZ video, I was absolutely shocked at what I found. There were blogs, some being supportive and others being down right nasty. I found fansite Live Journal pages filled with pictures of the two of us. Some of them were recent, like from the Grammys, others were during his tour. I read the comments, swallowing back the bile in my throat.

I was a big girl, and not in the grown up sense. Weight had been an issue my entire life and it wasn't because I sat at home and ate an entire box of Cakesters, although occasionally that did happen. My thyroid didn't work properly and therefore required me to be on medication. Right after I'd started taking the meds I'd lost a significant amount of weight, but I wasn't ever going to be a size four. I had a theory that bigger people, especially girls, built up a sort of defensive mechanism to comments about their size. You'd hear it so often that eventually you would become immune to it. You'd tell yourself that people who said rude things didn't really know you and if they did, they wouldn't have said it to begin with. That and some people were just assholes. I might be fat but I could get a Lapband and become "skinny." Their personalities would always suck. It was a small consolation prize.

So I would say that for the most part, I could handle anything thrown at me. Or at least I had thought that until I started reading comments that people left. The names weren't that bad, and were honestly a little unoriginal. But when they started saying things like "what the hell is he doing with someone like her" or "how the hell would that even happen"… that was hard. Very, very hard, but I made myself keep going. It seemed that Perez Hilton was a fan of the "bigger girls" though, and was apparently very supportive of my relationship with Edward. That was really the only highlight of the entire damn Googling experience.

"What are you doing?" Edward's voice scared me, and I jumped when it interrupted my self-deprecating web browsing. He walked behind me, looking at what I was reading, and instantly started complaining. "Bella, you promised me you wouldn't look at that shit!"

"I can't just pretend it isn't out there," I explained. He shook his head and shut the laptop.

"Reading things like this won't help anything. All it is, is people being overly opinionated about shit that they have no right to have an opinion on!"

"So you want me to live in a fairyland where no one says mean things? Where everyone is understanding and accepts me the way I am? Or would you rather me face the truth and then when something like this TMZ bullshit happens, then at least I know what to expect?" I asked him.

Edward shook his head, but I could tell that he understood what I was getting at. It would hurt to see what people thought about me, but it was better than being completely oblivious and unprepared.

"I don't want things like this to hurt you," he said quietly. "This… isn't a part of my life that I wanted you to experience."

Shrugging, I looked up at him. "Good with the bad, right?"

Edward gave me a weary smile before pulling the chair next to mine out. He sat down and after watching me for a minute, nodded his head. "I understand what you're saying. But, I don't want you to go through what you went through this morning. I don't… want to see you hurt like that."

I nodded and traced the wooden pattern of the table with my fingers.

"I meant that I said last night, Bella. When I look at you I don't see what other people see and I don't want you to focus on what they see either. I want you to believe me when I tell you that you're beautiful and not think that it's because I'm sucking up to you."

"This morning… honestly it wasn't really about that. I mean, okay, it freaked me out. But it was more about the music. I don't think I'm very good and I wasn't ready for that many people to hear that song, let alone hearing me singing it or playing it. I'm not sure how to deal with people critiquing my words and music… and I don't think I'm ready for that," I admitted.

"It's hard," Edward nodded. "It's hard to write something that personal and have people tear it apart. "

"How do you deal with it?" I asked him.

He stared at the table for a few seconds before looking at me. "You learn to write for yourself."

I smiled and leaned my head to the side, watching as he shrugged sheepishly.

"Music can't be defined, but people try to fit it into these little boxes, labeling it and telling you that this is the type of music you make. They tell me that I'm 'Top Forty' material, but honestly I don't even know what the hell that means. I write songs without the intent to make money, although it is really… really nice when they do," Edward explained with a slight laugh. He smiled for a second before becoming serious again. "Is this why you're so hesitant to work with Jasper?"

"Partially," I nodded. "I don't know if I have the personality to do this. I get… defensive and overly protective. I don't know if I could sit there and let someone tell me that what I wrote was crap."

Edward laughed, but I knew that he knew I was right.

"I don't play mind games with people. I can pretend I'm some hard ass all day, but I'm really not. I get my feelings hurt over stupid things and I… I just don't think I could handle being in this business," I continued.

"All of those are very valid concerns, Bella, really. But it would be different with Jasper. You can trust him and he is able to deal with the shit that you can't. He would be the brain, but you would be the heart. Jasper if very technical and very methodical and your creativity would balance that," Edward reassured me. "If I thought that you couldn't handle this or that you would get hurt… I wouldn't have agreed to talk to you about it. But I honestly believe that you would be good at this, great at this."

"I don't know," I said quietly.

Edward reached across the table and held both of my hands in his. I looked up at him, smiling when I saw how encouraging and eager he looked.

"We would help you. Alice and Jasper… they would help you. I would help you."

"You really think I could do this?" I asked him.

He leaned over the table and kissed my lips softly. "I know you can."

***** ** *****

A week after the whole TMZ-Google-freak out, I was sitting on Edward's bed looking at houses with him. We'd gone every day this week trying to find something he liked, but had been unsuccessful so far. I'd have thought he was stalling if it wasn't for his daily complaint about living in a hotel.

"Do you really need four bedrooms?" I asked him. The houses he'd been looking at were in a very upscale part of Austin, which wasn't what I would picture Edward wanting. The neighborhoods they looked at were filled with politicians and housewives. Not really the type of place where an unmarried musician would live.

He shrugged and kept scrolling through the pictures that the realtor had emailed him. "This is in a gated community and they have onsite security."

"Are you worried about your safety? Housewives and teenage daughters might be all over you, but I'm sure you could fight them off," I chided him. He stopped scrolling long enough to give me a glare that I knew he didn't mean.

I smiled before lying back against the pillow and stretching my legs out. Edward continued to look through pictures of houses he wouldn't want.

"Why get a house? They have really nice condos downtown," I said after a few minutes. "How long do you think you'll be in Austin? Is it even worth buying something if you aren't going to be here to enjoy it?"

"That all depends," Edward answered, still looking at the screen.

"On?"

"You," he turned to look and me and smiled. "How long are you planning on staying in Austin?"

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. "That all depends."

"On?" He asked, copying my voice.

"It depends on if Alice and Jasper want to stay in Austin," I explained. Edward gave me a confused look before shutting his laptop and turning around to face me. "We, well… Jasper and I are supposed to meet later and… he was going to talk to Alice. If we're going to write together, then it would probably be easier if we lived in the same place."

Edward's eyes widened before he reached for me and pulled me off of the bed and into his lap. I laughed as he hugged me against his chest and kissed the top of my head, then my ear and eventually my lips.

"You're going to do it?" He asked enthusiastically.

I nodded, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. "We signed and filed everything yesterday."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have helped you figure-"

Shaking my head, I cut him off. "What Jasper and I do business wise needs to stay between the two of us. Alice sort of butted her way into the process, but they're married so I can't really blame her."

Edward frowned. "Not that I don't trust either one of them, but what if… how do you know what you're getting yourself into? There are a lot of ins and outs in this business."

"Austin is the 'live music capital of the world'; there are quite a few attorneys who handle things like this. We're splitting everything equally and since we really don't need anything besides a pen, paper and a few musical instruments… it wasn't really that difficult," I explained.

Edward's eyes were vibrant with excitement.

"I just… I can't ask them to stay here, or for you to stay here, if any of you want to go back to Seattle. I love Texas, especially Austin, but if you guys didn't want to stay here, then it would be really selfish for me to ask you to."

"I like Austin," Edward said, nodding his head. "And I don't care where I live, as long as it's with you. If you say Texas, then I'll live in Texas. You want to move to New York then I'd move there, too."

The memories that New York brought up definitely didn't encourage moving there, but it wasn't one of the places that Jasper and I had talked about anyway. We had decided that it would either need be LA, Seattle, Nashville or Austin. I really didn't care, as long as Edward agreed to go with us, but LA was probably my least favorite option. It would put us right in the middle of the type of life that Edward and I were hoping to avoid. Living there would mean daily encounters with photographers - if you could even call most of them that - which would lead to more articles on gossip sites.

Since the TMZ ordeal, there hadn't really been any problems. My parents changed their phone number and a few people had stopped by the record store to ask for autographs. I was sure they were more interested in seeing if Edward was there, but I signed it for them anyway. Austin was a big city, but not really big enough that people freaked out when they saw Edward. A few teenagers had squealed when they saw all of us eating dinner one night, but it hadn't been that bad. This was another reason why staying in Austin was appealing. It had all of the resources we would need musically, but was small enough that we could live a normal life. It was pretty much perfect.

Edward's arms tightened around me, bringing me back to the conversation, and making me look at him.

"I'm proud of you," he spoke softly. "I know this was scary for you, but I just… I know this is what you're supposed to be doing."

"Kind of like how I knew you were supposed to be a musician?" I asked him. He smiled and nodded before kissing my shoulder and then my neck.

"Kind of like how I know we're supposed to be together," Edward said, laying me back against the bed. My legs wrapped around his waist as he leaned into me.

"Really?" I whispered against his lips. My tongue slowly ran across his bottom lip as he nodded his head.

"Forever," he said, sealing the promise with a kiss.

We hadn't gotten further than my shirt coming off and his hand sliding into the front of my jeans when my cell phone started ringing. If it wasn't for the fact that I was expecting a call from Jasper, I would have ignored it. I tried to sit up to get the phone off of the bedside table, but Edward kept me pinned to the bed, getting my phone for me.

"Hello?" He asked grumpily. He rolled his eyes before handing me the phone. "It's Garrett."

I frowned at Edward's tone of voice but took the phone. When I said hello, Garrett started telling me how worried he was about Jessica. She was still on crutches and although she was telling everyone she could do things on her own, she was struggling. Since we all lived in the same building, Garrett was normally able to help her when I wasn't home, but he was working today and didn't want her home by herself. I didn't blame him. Jessica had tried to get into the shower a few days ago without someone helping her and had fallen, nearly breaking her other leg.

"I know you're spending time with Edward and if Sam and Emily weren't out of town then I would ask one of them," he said. "I tried to get her to just stay in the office and watch TV or something, but she really wants to go home."

"No, it's fine. Give me like twenty minutes and I'll be there. Tell her not to even think about trying to get up those stairs without me," I warned. He laughed and the two of us hung up.

Edward groaned against my chest while shaking his head. "What if I tell you that you can't go?"

I gently pulled on his hair, making him look up at me. "She really needs my help."

"I know," he grumbled and moved off of me. "Can I go too? I'd like to leave the confines of my hotel room today."

I smiled at his sarcasm and pulled my shirt back on. "You don't have to ask Edward."

The drive from his hotel to the store wasn't that long and before we had time to even agree on a radio station, I was pulling into the back parking lot.

"Do you want me to move your car while you help Jessica upstairs?" Edward asked as we got out. "I can drive around until a spot opens up."

I shook my head and locked the doors. "It will be fine here. Plus I hate parking on the street."

We were joking about my lack of driving abilities when we walked through the back entrance of the store. Jessica was sitting on the counter looking irritable and tired, while Garrett looked immensely relieved to see us.

"Bad day?" I asked Jessica. She nodded and Edward helped her off of the counter.

"It didn't help that I kept getting prank phone calls all damn day. I hate being in the middle of a song and then interrupted by someone calling and then hanging up," she grumbled. "I mean why call and not say anything?!"

Jessica kept complaining as we made our way out of the store. We had crossed the street and were walking up the sidewalk to our apartment building before I realized something was wrong. I froze with my hand clasped in Edward's and stared at the mass of people standing in front of the door. He was in the middle of a conversation with Jessica and hadn't noticed that I'd stopped until our arms stretched out and my hand slid out of his. He still hadn't seen them.

"Bella?" He asked. That was the last thing I heard before the space around me exploded with people calling mine and Edward's names while taking pictures.

I tried to turn around, but was stopped by some guy shoving a camera in my face, so I tried to move back toward our apartment. I couldn't move in either direction without running in to someone. I was so dizzy and disoriented; it felt like I was spinning even though I was standing still. I heard people saying my name and asking me questions, but couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that it felt like I couldn't breathe.

My body shut down, and I tried to concentrate on things that weren't swirling. I started counting the number of cracks in the sidewalk until feet interrupted the view. My eyes closed when people started bumping in to me and I started humming to block out the noise of their questions.

I felt someone grab onto my arm and wanted to pull away from them until Edward's smell enveloped me. His arms wound themselves around me before he started pushing me through the throng of people. I kept my head down and eyes shut which caused me to stumble over people's feet and the uneven concrete. Edward's arms just tightened, holding me up and keeping me from falling.

We finally made it to the stairs outside the building and I saw that a few of our neighbors had come outside. They started telling people to back up, threatening to call the police, while Edward basically pushed me up the stairs. I was almost inside when I heard Jessica's voice crying out in pain. I stopped and turned around and tried to pull away from Edward when I saw her sitting on the pavement crying.

"Bella, no!" Edward yelled, pushing me back towards the door.

I shook my head. People were basically trampling over my roommate, yelling at Edward and me, and someone had to help her.

"Jessica!" I yelled at him.

"I will get her! Just go inside!"

Another set of hands - my neighbor's - grabbed onto my arms and pulled me inside. Edward turned around, pushing through the clicking cameras and loud voices until he got to Jessica. I watched as he reached down, picked her up off the sidewalk, and then made his way back to the door.

"Is she okay?" I asked, wiping the tears off of her cheeks.

Jessica nodded, but kept crying.

"I've got her, Bella. Please just go upstairs," Edward's voice was frantic.

I started up the stairs, turning every now and then to make sure that Edward and Jessica were behind me. Once we got to our floor, I opened the door with shaking hands, and held it open while the two of them came inside. Edward set Jessica on the couch before pulling me inside and locking the door. I watched as he walked to the windows, checking that they were locked before shutting the curtains. He moved so quickly that it was making me dizzy to watch him. When he moved into my bedroom I sank down into the chair next to the couch.

"Are you okay?" Jessica whispered.

I nodded and got up to check to on her. "Are you? They didn't hurt your leg did they?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so. They just knocked me down and-"

"I don't fucking know!" Edward yelled as he walked back into the living room a few seconds later. A phone was held to his ear and he was shaking his head. "There has to be some sort of law against this! They can't just stand down there, can they?"

He closed his eyes and nodded his head, looking far more anxious than he had been in a long while. After muttering something else he pulled the phone away and looked at Jessica and me.

"How would they know where I lived?" I asked him.

"I don't know."

"Why were they here?" I asked again.

"I don't know." He shook his head.

His tone of voice, the way he was standing there… this whole fucking situation was just eating away at my nerves. I stood up and glared at him, frustrated with the fact that he couldn't tell me anything except that he didn't know. Jessica looked between the two of us, sinking down further into the couch.

"Well what _do_ you know, Edward?!" I yelled.

"I DON'T KNOW, BELLA!"

I turned around and walked into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me and hating the tears that were starting to run down my face. Pacing around, I tried to fight back the urge to hit something. My fists closed and opened as I took a deep breath, reminding myself that this wasn't a huge deal. Then I laughed humorlessly because those assholes finding out where I lived was, in fact, a big deal.

I'd handled the paparazzi reasonably well at Edward's after parties, the VMAs, and the Grammys, but that was different. We had been in public, on a sidewalk or red carpet, when I'd been forced to face them. But this was at my house. This wasn't some public event, or even on some random sidewalk. I lived here, slept here… I was supposed to be safe here. Now it felt like I was caged in with some predator pacing around, waiting on me to try and escape.

Hating how I felt, I lay down and buried my face into my pillow. I tried to think of anything but what had happened but it didn't work. I laid there replaying the situation over and over, cringing each time. It took a quiet knock on the bedroom door, and the feeling of Edward lying down next to me, to get the images in my mind to stop.

"I'm sorry," we whispered at the same time. The bed shook when he quietly laughed; I smiled and turned my head to look at him.

Edward's hand ran up and down my back.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you," he said softly. "I was mad and worried… I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

I rolled over onto my side, giving him more room. When Edward moved closer to me, lying on this back, I laid my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head, holding me against him.

"I was frustrated and I took it out on you," I said apologetically. "I was... scared."

Edward nodded. "I know."

We both took a deep breath, letting the silence settle around us. A few minutes later, Edward's phone started ringing. I could hear Jasper's voice on the other end and tried to make out what he was saying. It didn't do me any good. When he hung up, Edward turned onto his side making me lie back against the bed. He looked down at me, his face mixed with apprehension and doubt.

"Alice and Jasper are downstairs," he said quietly.

"Okay." I nodded and tried to sit up, but Edward stopped me.

"I want you to move out of this apartment." His voice was soft but full of determination. "To some place safer, with security."

"Okay."

Edward's eyes searched my face, for what I didn't know. I laid still, letting him work out what he was thinking. When his eyes found mine, I stared back at him, wondering what he was looking for.

"Bella," he whispered. "I want to take care of you and protect you. I don't want to worry that something might happen to you…"

"We'll be okay," I told him, trying to reassure both of us.

"Will you do me a favor?" He asked me. I nodded without hesitation.

"Will you move in with me? Please?" Edward's hand held the side of my face as his eyes watched mine.

My heart was beating so hard that I'd have been surprised if Edward couldn't hear it. I stared up at him, looking for something, anything, to tell me that he wasn't sure about this. There wasn't anything there; instead I only saw the same love that he would have found in my eyes. So I took a deep breath and gave him the only answer that made sense.

"Yes."

**A/N: I'm figuring we have like ten (maybe less) chapter left to go. But, I can tend to be a little wordy and I think up new stuff all the time. So who knows? Thanks to everyone who's reading, reviewing, recommending... you guys are awesome. Maggie and Trin, you guys make me happay.**

**So… I've been thinking of doing an "interview" with Edward and Bella and posting it on the Twilighted thread for this story. Do you have something you want to ask one of them? If so Twit it to me, post it on the thread or leave it in your review. I'm not promising I'll follow through with this, but I'm considering it.**

**Thanks again guys!**


	23. Sing Me Sweet

**I don't own Twilight. I do own a rubber band ball.**

"**Sing me sweet. Sing me low. Say you'll never let me go cause' I've gone long enough waiting for wonderful" Sing Me Sweet, Matt Nathanson**

*** ** ***

Looking around at all of the things from my old apartment that needed to be packed, I couldn't help but hate myself for being such a packrat. It was like I had some sort of compulsion that kept me from throwing things away. Clothes that didn't fit, shoes that had lost their mates, books that I had more than one copy of… all of it was shoved into my tiny bed room. Worse than that, I still had stuff at my parents' house too.

"You okay?"

I nodded and turned around to give Edward a reassuring smile. He had been asking me this a lot lately, and I couldn't really blame him. The past couple of weeks I had been acting like a paranoid lunatic. After the paparazzi incident I had basically shut down. I didn't sleep. I didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything but start working on a few songs with Jasper. It wasn't until Alice had basically dragged me from the hotel to buy stuff for their new house and our new condo that I realized it had become a problem. It wasn't okay to be on the verge of a panic attack in Target. It wasn't okay to be paranoid while sitting at a red light. And I sure as hell couldn't live the rest of my life holed up in a hotel room. So I took a step back and tried to reevaluate my situation.

Was it normal to be freaked out because, literally over night, I had gone from nobody to someone who was on the cover of _In Touch_ magazine? Yes. Was it normal to double and triple check the lock on the hotel room door? Probably not. Was I willing to find a way to deal with all of this? If that's what it took for Edward and I to be together, then absolutely yes. I had to find a way to balance the "famous" part of our relationship with the everyday life that we both wanted. The problem with that was I didn't know to prepare for that balance. Edward and I hadn't ever been in a relationship before and I sure as hell hadn't ever been considered a celebrity before. So I decided to do the only thing I could, take it one step at a time. We found a place to live, making sure it would be safe for both of us. I'd learned to leave my heightened sense of paranoia in the back of my mind. Now I was determined to let myself be happy - let us be happy - which is why I was now standing in the doorway to my old bedroom, holding a bag of packing tape and sharpie markers.

Edward set the folded stack of boxes on the floor before wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me to him. I leaned my head against his chest, smiling when he kissed the top of my head, enjoying the peaceful moment between us.

"I think you have an obsession with books."

Looking up, I saw Edward's eyes warily staring at the three bookshelves against the wall. Each shelf was completely filled with books that I'd been collecting since I was a child. I laughed when he kissed the top of my head again and then set off to start packing.

"Are you taking everything?" Edward asked while putting a box together.

I tossed him a roll of tape before getting my suitcases and duffle bags out the closet. "Yeah, everything but the furniture is mine."

The two of us worked in a comfortable silence for a while; Edward packed books while I went through my closet and drawers, packing my clothes. I didn't even realize that he was paying any attention to me until I opened my underwear drawer. Then he was practically standing over me, reaching into the drawer for my underwear.

"Why have I not ever seen these?" He held up a pair of black lace cheeky panties, looking a little too cocky.

I snatched them out of his hand and shook my head. "We're here to pack, Edward."

"We can take a break," he whispered against my ear.

Edward grabbed onto my waist, holding me against him while his lips skimmed across my throat. It didn't take long for us both to be shirtless and sprawled across the bed while his lips teased me and my hands explored his body.

When he managed to get my jeans off of my hips and his hand inside of my panties I decided to up the ante. With a hell of a lot of skill and determination, I was able to not be totally sidetracked by Edward's fingers and my hand found its way into his shorts. My fingers skimmed over his sensitive skin, causing Edward's movements to falter. I smiled smugly and used my knees and feet to push his shorts and boxers past his hips.

"Bella," he half hissed, half moaned.

Not five seconds later he had managed to wipe the smugness off of my face and replace it with something that probably looked like near orgasmic shock. My eyes rolled in the back of my head and I nearly bit my bottom lip off.

The touching and teasing became a battle of wills that was sporadically interrupted when one of us would become so caught up in the emotions running through our bodies that we forgot what we were doing.

"Give in," Edward groaned against my neck.

I shook my head while in the middle of arching my body up against his, moving my hips with his fingers. "You…give…" Edward added another finger and every coherent thought in my mind was gone. "Ohmysweetlordjesus!"I yelled.

Fortunately for me, while I was in the middle of seizing underneath my boyfriend, my hand happened to tighten around him. It wasn't too tight or hard; apparently it was just right, because Edward groaned and thrust his hips towards me.

"Together?" I panted.

He nodded quickly and all of the games and teasing were left behind. His lips found mine and I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth, trying to enjoy Edward's touches while concentrating on making him feel just as good.

Edward's thumb added the slightest bit of pressure and I realized that I was definitely done for. My hips pushed up against him while my hand jerked spastically. Luckily my spastic jerking seemed to work and Edward was soon moaning and muttering incoherently against my neck before his weight settled between my thighs.

I smiled when his lips kissed along my neck and collarbone before he sat up and pulled an old towel out of the pile of clothes on the bed next to us. Smirking, he cleaned off my hand and then stood up to pull his boxers and shorts back up.

"That was… a fun break."

Laughing but agreeing, I stood up and pulled my jeans back up on my hips. I was about to get a clean pair of panties out of my drawer, but stopped when Edward handed me the cheeky lace ones that had distracted him to begin with.

"For later," he whispered and kissed the back of my neck.

I took the underwear he was offering and excused myself to the bathroom where I washed my hands and changed. When I came back Edward was in my closet, pulling out the boxes that were sitting on the top shelf. I walked by him, kissed his still shirtless back, and went back to packing my clothes.

"What the hell?" He asked while laughing.

Looking up, I saw Edward digging through a box full of pictures and keepsakes that I wasn't really keen on him seeing. I crawled over the bed, lunging for the box, only to have Edward turn his back to block my access.

I reached around him. "Edward, give me the box!"

He laughed and shook his head, holding it above his head and out of my reach. When I started jumping, he finally took pity and lowered it. I tried to pry it out of his hands but he tightened his grip.

"Why can't I look? There are pictures of me in here!"

I just glared at him instead of answering. Edward gave me a smirk before turning his back again and fully opening the box. I groaned and gave up my attempts; he would find them sooner or later, anyway.

When he noticed that I'd given up, he took the box to the bed and sat it down. I started chewing on my thumbnail, watching as he pulled out years worth of memories.

"Really?" Edward asked, holding up a crumpled fairy wand.

I grabbed it out of his hand. "Don't be mean."

His shoulders shook with silent laughter as he pulled a stack of pictures out of the box. He sat the box on the bed before flipping through them. Edward smiled and commented on some, but mostly stayed quiet. I went back to packing my clothes, looking over his shoulder every now and then to see what picture he was looking at.

"We were so young," Edward muttered. I turned around and he held up a picture.

I nodded and smiled. "That was at your twenty-first birthday party."

"Which would have made you twenty and therefore underage, yet you're drinking. We were such bad influences on you." He shook his head, feigning seriousness.

I just snorted and moved the box he had been digging through and sat down next to him. I pulled out the smaller, more tattered, box that was inside of it. I shuffled around in it until I found what I was looking for and handed it to him.

"What is…" Edward's voice trailed off as he read the smudged handwriting on a cocktail napkin. It didn't take but a few seconds before he started laughing.

I recited it from memory. "Bella Swan is the most intelligent person I know. If I ever tell her that she is wrong, she has permission to punch my face. Bella Swan is always right, and I am always wrong, sighed Edward Cullen, July 13th, 2003."

"This isn't really valid anymore, I mean… I was obviously drunk when I wrote it. I misspelled my own name," Edward playfully argued. "In fact I misspelled permission too."

We both laughed and I watched as he picked through the small box, making quiet comments about ticket stubs or smaller pictures that I had in there.

"Where is this from?" Edward asked. He handed me the plastic fake ruby ring and I slid it on my finger. "I remember you wore that at the Grammys."

I nodded and smiled. "You got this for me from a quarter machine, promising that you would get something 'better' when you made it big."

"Why don't I remember that?"

I shrugged. "It was a long time ago, Edward."

"During our summer?" His voice was quiet and hesitant, like he was trying to remember.

I nodded, not wanting to interrupt him, but couldn't keep from smiling because he had called it "our" summer.

"Mississippi?" Edward asked.

Shaking my head, I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "North Carolina."

"On the beach, at the fair!" he said excitedly. "I remember now. I actually thought about kissing you that night, but I didn't think you would want me to."

"What?" I asked, leaning away from him.

Edward shrugged, looking embarrassed, but we were interrupted before he could explain.

We heard the front door fly open. It hit the wall behind it and made both of us jump. Instantly, my heart rate increased as fear filled my chest for a few seconds until I heard familiar voices. Jessica was complaining about Garrett always hovering over her, while he argued back that he just didn't want her to get hurt again.

Edward smiled and leaned forward to kiss my forehead. "I'm pretty sure I loved you a lot longer than I realized," he whispered.

I nodded and tried not to look shocked when Jessica and Garrett appeared in my doorway. Jessica whistled while Edward pulled his t-shirt back on and I laughed when he winked at her before going back to the bookshelves.

"When's the big day?" Garrett asked. He had come into the room and was helping me put all of the pictures that we had gotten out back into the box. I smiled when he handed me a few of that had fallen off the bed.

"All of the furniture is being delivered tomorrow and then I guess we just have to start unpacking," I answered. "It's going to take forever packing all of this stuff, though. I didn't realize I had this much… junk."

"Need any help?" Jessica offered. "I can't move anything, but I can throw shit in a box."

"Bathroom stuff?" I asked, and she nodded.

Edward put together a box and took it into the bathroom for her.

Garrett took another box and moved to my desk. "Is this okay?"

I nodded and thanked him for his help. Once his back was turned, I started shoving the rest of my bras and panties into the nearly full suitcase. Edward came back into the bedroom, catching me trying to pack stealthily, and gave me a smirk before returning to my miniature library.

It took several hours, but eventually we had my entire bedroom packed. All of the boxes were labeled and lined up against the wall, ready to be picked up the next day, and we were sitting around talking. Jessica was in her bedroom on the phone while Garrett was in the middle of telling Edward about my first few guitar lessons and how I had started writing, when Edward interrupted him.

"So you bullied her into it?" he asked.

I playfully shoved his arm. "Edward."

Garrett shrugged and looked at me. "I knew she had the talent, she just wouldn't open up. She was so closed off from everything… you have no idea. She literally looked like the saddest girl in the world. Then when she finally started writing and letting us play her songs it just all sort of came together."

"I see. So you play right? In a band?" Edward asked Garrett.

"Yeah, Sam, Jessica, and I are in a band."

Edward nodded and started twirling a piece of my ponytail around his fingers. "Do you write your own music? Or do you just take Bella's?"

I hit his leg but he ignored me. _Why the hell was he being so rude?_

Garrett just looked at him for a minute before nodding his head. "I write and so does Sam."

"Are you any good?"

"Edward, really-"

"I was good enough to teach Bella. Good enough to keep her from slitting her wrists in a bathtub after you broke her heart."

"Garrett!" I yelled. They both ignored me, intent on just glaring at each other.

_When the hell had this turned into a pissing contest?_ I understood that Edward was a little jealous of Garrett, that was only natural, but he didn't have a right to be rude. Just like Garrett had no business bringing up the past, especially when he didn't know the whole story.

Edward's eyes softened slightly before he turned to look at me. "Are you ready to go?"

"Uh, I guess."

He nodded and got off of the couch before helping me stand up. He left to go tell Jessica goodbye and I took advantage of his absence.

"What the hell, Garrett? Thanks for bringing _that _up!" I whispered harshly.

"He shouldn't be a dick."

I rolled my eyes at his explanation. "I'm sorry for Edward acting like this but that doesn't-"

"Ready?" Edward asked, coming back into the living room.

Garrett leaned back in his chair, glaring at Edward, while I nodded and grabbed my purse. I stood up, looking awkwardly between the two of them, hoping that by some chance they would magically become friends. That didn't happen. Edward grabbed two of the bags filled with my clothes and moved to the front door. I threw the last duffle bag over my shoulder before looking at Garrett.

"So someone will be here tomorrow when they come to pick up the boxes?" I asked him.

"If Jessica isn't here, I'll come by."

I nodded. "Thanks. I guess… I'll see you… later."

Garrett stood up and gave me a quick hug. "Give me a call. We can jam or something."

Edward opened the door, signaling that it was time to go. I gave Garrett another small hug and made my way out of the apartment. I waited while Edward shut the door and the two of us made our way down the stairs.

We were quiet while he put my bags in the back of the utterly obnoxious truck he had gotten. When I pulled the keys out of his hand he just looked at me.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Driving. You don't know how to get to my parents' house." I opened the door and crawled into the vehicle, shutting the door and ignoring Edward's questioning look. I started the car and waited for him to get in; after his seatbelt was on I backed out of the parking spot.

"You're mad," Edward said after several minutes of silence. I turned the blinker on to get onto the interstate. "And now you're ignoring me."

"I'm not-" I started.

"Really?" he interrupted.

"Okay I am mad, but I'm not ignoring you. I was just thinking of what I wanted to say."

Edward shifted in his seat, shaking his head. "You're mad because I called Garrett out on using your songs."

"No, I'm mad that you even brought it up. He doesn't 'use' my songs, Edward. I give him permission to play them and in all actuality he helped write some of them. I just don't understand why you're jealous."

"I. Am. Not. Jealous," Edward growled.

I briefly looked at him before looking back at the road. "Really? Because you're sure as hell acting like it."

"Pull over."

"Edward, seriously can we not have an adult conver-"

"That is why I want you to pull over!" he yelled. I turned my head to glare at him which made him take a deep breath and start over. "Please pull over so I can talk to you about this."

I took the next exit available and pulled into a small rest stop. After throwing the truck into park, I turned in the seat and looked at Edward. He slowly took his seatbelt off before facing me. We didn't speak, just looked at each other, waiting for the tension to alleviate somehow.

Finally, Edward spoke. "I don't trust Garrett."

I shook my head. "Why? You don't even know him."

"There is something about him that just… sets me off. I don't like the fact that he basically guilt tripped you into writing, or that he made you play the night that Jessica got hurt. I just… I can't explain why, but I do not trust him."

"Edward…"

"Bella, I just don't like him."

I sighed before rubbing my forehead. "He's been a good friend to me."

"I'm not telling you that you can't see him or hang out with him! All I am saying is that I don't trust him and I want you to be careful around him! If he does something… I swear to God-"

I unhooked my seatbelt and threw it off my shoulder. "You don't have a reason to be jealous of him or worried about him, Edward! He knows I love you, he's known that since he met me! Garrett is my friend! If it wasn't for him, for everyone else at that store, who the hell knows where I would be right now!"

The vehicle was filled with the anger radiating between the two of us, but neither one of us said anything. We just sat there watching each other. After a minute I shook my head and looked away. It didn't take long for Edward to lean toward me, turning my face back towards him.

"You can't ask me to not protect you," he said quietly.

I pulled his hand away from my face and held it in my own. Edward's fingers tightened around mine.

"There isn't anything to protect me from," I whispered softly.

"Yet," he corrected.

I sighed before responding. "I can't change how you feel about Garrett but you have to respect the fact that I trust him."

Edward started to interrupt me, but I spoke over him.

"You also have to realize that you can't stop every person on this planet from saying things about me. You can't stand over my shoulder watching my every move and judging every decision I make, especially with this business with Jasper."

"I'm not… judging you. I just…" Edward shook his head slowly. "I don't want you to get hurt, Bella. I've been doing this a long time; I know what these people are like and if I can keep you from experiencing some of the things that I did, then I'm going to fucking do it."

"Edward, I understand what you're saying and I really appreciate the sentiment. But I do not want my relationship with you to have influence over what Jasper and I do. I know that because the two of you have worked together and because we have all known each other for… well forever, that people are going to associate us together. But if I am going to sell a song, then I want it to be because it's good, not because my boyfriend is Edward Cullen."

He looked at me for a moment before sitting up and nodding his head. I watched him, hardly able to believe that he'd agreed so easily.

"Will you promise me something?" Edward asked me. When I nodded he continued. "I won't bring the Garrett thing up again unless I really feel like it needs to be discussed, but please promise me that you will be careful around him. Around all of them. Fame and money do crazy things to people, Bella."

I sighed, but reluctantly nodded my head in agreement. There wasn't a single bone in my body that believed Garrett, Jessica, or any of the rest of them would ever try to take advantage of me. But if this was what it took for Edward to relax, then I would agree.

"Say it, please."

I smiled and leaned across the seat to kiss him. After a quick kiss I rested my forehead against his. "I promise I'll be careful around them."

He smiled, obviously placated, and after another kiss we both put our seatbelts back on and headed back to my parents' house. The packing there didn't take nearly as long, as I had taken most of my things to Austin when I'd moved, and in less than an hour, we had everything packed in his truck. We stayed for dinner, which was a little awkward since my father wasn't exactly thrilled to hear that his only daughter was shacking up with a famous musician, but we both escaped unscathed.

After dropping off a few things at our new place, we returned to the hotel. I had just finished changing into my pajamas when Edward came walking into the living area with two guitars in his hand. It didn't escape my notice that one of them was mine.

"And what do you have planned?" I asked him.

He smiled while handing me the guitar. "You said you would write a song with me."

"Oh," I muttered. Honestly, I had forgotten about it. When Edward had mentioned writing a song together, I really didn't know if he had meant it. Watching as he got my writing journal and pens, I realized he was serious.

He sat the pen and journal on the couch next to me before grabbing one of the chairs from the table and pulling it towards me. Smiling, he sat down in front of me with his instrument resting on his thighs.

"I didn't think you were serious about this," I said, watching as he started tuning the guitar.

"Why wouldn't I be serious about it?" he asked me. I shrugged, not really having an answer. "You don't have to be nervous; it's just for the two of us. I promise."

He looked a little too mischievous when he said that, but I let it go. "Alright, let's write a song."

I flipped to an empty page in my journal and looked at Edward expectantly. He smiled and moved to where he was sitting on the edge of his seat. I sat up and mirrored his actions.

"What do you want to write about?" I asked him, absently tuning the guitar in my lap.

"Us."

I stopped and looked up at him. He raised an eyebrow while holding the pen out for me to take.

"What else would I want to write a song about?"

I took the pen and shrugged my shoulders. "Puppies?"

He started playing something I didn't recognize followed by the most obnoxious impromptu lyrics I'd ever heard.

"She's got black lace panties that tease me. I want her to squeeze me." He winked when I looked up at him. "Hoping for a matching bra that covers her ti-"

"Alright!" I interrupted. "We can write a song about us, but it can not mention anything regarding my underwear."

Edward laughed. "Okay."

"Or fairy wings," I added.

"See now you're just being silly. Who would write a song about fairy wings?"

"Who would write a song about black lace underwear?" I countered.

"Uh, a lot of people actually. Do you remember The Thong Song?"

Despite my best efforts to keep us on track, the rest of the evening was spent making up the most random lyrics I had ever heard. I knew eventually we would actually write a real song together, but after the stressful couple of weeks that we had been through, writing a song about Emmett wearing black lace panties made reminded me that music was fun. The mental image of Edward's brother actually wearing lace underwear would probably give me nightmares for months, though.

**A/N: The image of Emmett in black lace panties makes me giggle uncontrollably. Thanks for being patient during my writers block/work crisis. I'll try to get back to posting more regularly.**

**Maggie, Mel, Jadedandboring, PKitten, and Molly… Thank you from the bottom of my heart.**


	24. Paperweight

**I don't own Twilight. I own eleven pairs of sunglasses though.**

"**Happy to lay here, just happy to be here. I'm happy to know you. Play me a song, your newest one. Please leave your taste on my tongue." Paperweight, Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk**

There are moments in your life that you can imagine ahead of time what the experience might be like. For example: your first kiss, first date, how your life will be after you finish high school, maybe even what your wedding will be like. I, myself, had envisioned several things I hoped would happen in my future, including Edward and I living together, but even as I watched the movers bring in boxes and furniture it still seemed surreal. It felt like I was watching one of my day dreams from years before and even now, a full nine hours after officially moving in, it still felt like it might not be real.

I grabbed another armful of books and started putting them on the bookshelf in the office. It was odd but completely comforting to see my things mixed with Edward's. His records lined up against the CDs that he'd made for me, my books mixed with his surprisingly large comic collection; all of it seemed to fit so well together. It was like they had waited years to placed next to each other and now that they were… it all made sense.

"These are all labeled 'office'," Edward muttered. He pushed a box towards me with his foot while holding another one in his arms.

Shelving the last of the books in my arms, I took the box from his arms and sat it on the desk. After cutting the tape off of the top, I was pulling the flaps of the box back. As I was reaching into it, Edward's lips kissed my shoulder as his arms wrapped around my sides.

It had been a hectic day, directing traffic around the house according to what furniture or boxes they brought in and unpacking boxes. I was sore and very tired. Alice and Jasper, along with Jessica, Garrett, Sam, and Emily had all come by to offer their help with unpacking and getting things straightened. In all actuality, the boys spent the majority of the day in Edward's studio and office while the girls worried about things like decorative towels and curtains. I didn't mind that the boys were distracted and not actually helping, especially since it meant that Edward and Garrett had spent time together, not fighting. It was one less thing I had to worry about.

"Will you tell me what you're thinking about?" Edward asked. He sounded worried.

I turned around in his arms, smiling to reassure him. "I'm thinking that it is a little… unreal that after all of these years we're finally here. Together."

The smile that covered Edward's face made my heart skip a beat and my knees feel a little weak.

"You want to know something?" Edward asked. I nodded and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine. "There is no place else I would rather be, than right here with you, surrounded by all of these boxes."

My eyes slipped closed as his fingers traced the outline of my jaw. I kept them closed, waiting for the feeling of his lips against mine, but when it never came I peeked up at him with one eye still shut. He was watching me, smirking at the expectant look that must have covered my face.

"Did you need something?" Edward asked, his voice laced with humor.

I narrowed my eyes before playfully pulling my face away from him. Ignoring his laughter, I went back to the box I'd just opened. He muttered something about going to get the last of the office boxes and playfully smacked my ass before leaving the room. Shaking my head at his teasing, I started pulling things out of the box and setting them down on the desk.

There wasn't much that Edward had brought with him from Seattle, mostly just clothes and musical instruments, but there were a few personal things from the apartment he had shared with Emmett that he'd shipped. Most of them were pictures, records, and a few other things that had just been thrown haphazardly into the boxes. So, it surprised me to find a large rectangle shaped item wrapped in heavy brown paper. After pulling it from the box, I carefully unwrapped it.

As the paper fell to the floor, I stared at the large frame that held two pictures of us, one from when we were both still teenagers and another that had been taken at the first show of his tour, and the original copy of the letter I'd written him so long ago. Its two pages bordered the pictures and the four pieces were framed with a black mat. My eyes quickly scanned the faded words I'd written, while my heart beat frantically. An odd sense of nostalgia washed over my body, leaving me feeling heavy and light at the same time.

"Do you like it?" Edward's voice asked from behind me.

I nodded without turning around, still looking down at the frame in my hands. How could I not like it? It was a simple sign of how my words had affected him and how joining his music and my words had made something uniquely beautiful. It represented everything that the past thirteen years had meant to us; the good, the bad, our past and now… our future.

"When did you have this made?" I asked softly.

Edward moved to stand next to me. "I had it made to give to you for your birthday." His voice was quiet and ominous. My fingers tightened their grip on the wooden frame. "I was going to give it to you after the Austin show. I wanted to show you how much all of it meant to me. How much you meant to me."

"And I never showed up," I whispered.

From my peripheral vision I saw Edward's shoulders shrug. I knew he didn't hold it against me, but I still felt guilty about ignoring his attempts at a sincere apology. We both had wasted so much time holding onto things from the past that we couldn't change, and even if we were on the right path now, it was still hard to look back on our mistakes.

"You know it doesn't matter, right?"

I turned my head to look at Edward. "I know," I admitted quietly.

He carefully took the frame out of my hands and leaned it up against the wall. "What matters is that we're happy now. And that we will continue to be happy together."

I nodded in agreement before gathering another armful of books and sliding them onto the shelf. I was stopped when Edward took them out of my arms and threw them back onto the desk.

"What are you--" The force of Edward's lips on mine silenced my question. His hands grabbed my hips and pushed me back until I was flush against the wall.

"We've been unpacking since seven this morning," he whispered against my neck. "And I've thought about nothing but getting everyone out of here and finally being alone with you in _our_ house."

I giggled and shivered as his fingers slid under my shirt and tickled my sides.

"Even when you were showing off the studio?" I asked. He ignored my question and pulled my shirt over my head instead. I leaned my head back before gently pushing on his shoulders, trying to make him stop.

Edward groaned before detaching his lips from my neck. "Are you seriously cock blocking me right now?"

I couldn't stop the obnoxious snorting laughter that followed his question. "Edward, just because I don't want to have sex with you on the floor doesn't mean I'm cock blocking you. I just think there are several other places we could do this; the gigantic shower and our new bed being two of them."

"Oh."

I smiled before grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him after me. Half way down the hall, we were both tripping over the clothes we were desperately trying to pull off each other. Miraculously however, we managed to make it into the shower and within a matter of minutes we were nothing but slippery limbs and roaming hands. We took turns washing each other, which started out sweet and romantic but turned teasing and frustrating in a matter of minutes.

"Edward," I warned.

He smiled, ignoring me, and continued to run his soapy fingers across my very hard and very sensitive nipples.

I leaned up on my tiptoes, capturing his earlobe between my teeth and gently bit it while pushing him backwards. When the backs of his knees met the stone bench behind him, his hands moved down my stomach to my sides.

"And you said you didn't like the shower bench."

I ignored Edward's comment and playfully pushed him down onto the bench I'd said I wouldn't ever use. His hands pulled my hips closer as I pushed his wet hair off of his forehead. As his lips kissed my stomach I straddled his lap and lowered myself onto him. Edward's lips moved up between my breasts and my neck.

"Love you," he whispered reverently. All I could do was nod since the only sound that would come out of my mouth was a moaning sigh.

My hands fisted in the back of his hair as his hands guided my hips up and down. His moans and my whimpers echoed off of the tile surrounding us while the steam and mist made it all seem like it was something out of a dream, rather than reality.

His tongue licked water droplets off of my shoulder and neck as my thighs tightened around his sides. My knees ached from being pushed into the stone beneath them, but it felt entirely too good to stop. I ground myself into Edward's lap, trying desperately to get as close to him as I possibly could.

"Bella, slow down."

I shook my head and his grip on my hips tightened, nearly forcing me to stop completely.

"Look at me." Edward's voice was calm but forceful. I lowered my eyes to his and nodded when he told me to slow down again. "Relax," he said softly.

My forehead leaned against his as he started guiding my hips up and back down. I drew my bottom lip between my teeth and held tightly onto Edward's shoulders. One of his hands released my hip and gently pulled my chin down towards him. His thumb pulled my lip from my teeth and slowly slid across it.

"See," he said quietly. "Slower can be better."

To emphasize his point, his hips pushed up against my thighs letting him slide in deeper. My mouth fell open as a deep moan filled my chest and started traveling up my throat. Before I could even mumble anything, Edward's hand slid around my neck to pull my mouth to his. His tongue slid against mine as his mouth caught the moan that I'd been holding back.

"You were right," I managed to mumble.

He smiled before pulling my face back to his. "Finally, she admits it."

We lost ourselves in gentle kisses and slow love making until neither one of us could control what was building between us. Edward held my body flush against his as every muscle I had clinched in anticipation. When the slow burning fire that had been sitting in the base of my stomach spread though my arms and legs, fingers and toes, I held tightly to Edward's shoulders. His lips never stopped kissing mine and his fingers never let go of my body, even when he thrust his hips towards me, finding his own release.

I leaned against him panting and moaning as Edward left soft kisses against my shoulders. I smiled to myself when he started commenting on the fact that I'd admitted he was finally right about something. I could let him gloat because even with two bruised knees and having to admit that Edward was right, it was worth it. The gigantic shower with the ugly stone bench had definitely been a perk, especially when it involved Edward kneeling between my legs massaging my knees afterwards.

TG~TG~TG~TG

"Next month? Are you serious?"

I looked up from the song I was working on to see Edward shaking his head. He was on the phone with Emmett, obviously not expecting to hear whatever it was his brother had just told him.

"We wouldn't do that, asshole. We'll all be there, you know that."

The two of them continued their banter for another twenty minutes before Edward hung the phone up and tossed it on the bed where I was sitting. I put my pen down and looked up at him.

"What's going on?"

"They're getting married next month," he explained. "Apparently Rosalie doesn't want to wait until after the baby is born."

"Is it a big wedding?" I asked. Edward shrugged. "Where is it going to be? Are you going to be in the wedding? Do we need to do anything to help?"

For every question I asked, Edward didn't have an answer. Other than the date, he didn't have any information. I shook my head before picking the phone up and redialing the number that Edward had just disconnected from.

"Miss me already, asshat?" Emmett's voice asked.

"Aw, Emmett… I always miss you."

"Bella!" he yelled into the phone. I yanked it away from my ear while Edward laughed. "I figured it would be Eduardo calling to bitch and moan about something else."

"Nope," I laughed. "I was calling to get the details about the wedding."

"Oh, you'll need to talk to Rosalie then." Emmett yelled her name.

I listened while the two of them argued about him not being able to just bring the phone to her.

A few seconds later she got on the phone. "I shouldn't have ever given him the option to call Edward. I knew he wouldn't tell him everything."

"If you'll just give me the general details you can email me the rest later. I just wanted to make hotel reservations."

She didn't need much prompting before she went into a full detailed summary of their plans. "The wedding is going to be on April twenty-third at six in the evening. Esme found this little white church that is like something from a movie. It's in some town called Forks. I'd never heard of it but she drove me down there and I just fell in love with it."

"Forks? Do they have hotels there? Or do we need to stay in Seattle and drive down the day of?" I asked her. Rosalie started naming off the hotel they'd reserved and I quickly wrote down the information.

"It isn't going to be a big ordeal Bella, just family and close friends."

"Does Edward need a tux or anything?"

Before the question could even finish leaving my mouth, Edward was shaking his head while mouthing the words "hell no." I kicked his leg.

"No. We just want everyone to be comfortable… Emmett said jeans t-shirts would be fine by him but I overruled that decision. If Edward can just wear a suit and tie, that would be great."

"Okay," I agreed but knew full well that Edward wouldn't be comfortable in a suit and tie. Neither would Emmett for that matter. "We will fly up a few days before to help with everything. If you need anything before then, just let me know."

"Don't you want to know what color dress you need to wear?" Rosalie asked, laughing slightly. "You'll be a bridesmaid after all."

The term "always a bridesmaid and never a bride" flashed through my mind while she explained what she wanted me to wear but I shoved the thought away. Edward and I were no where near ready for that… if it was even something he still wanted.

"So just find a black dress. I don't care what it looks like as long it's completely black," Rosalie finished. "Oh! And black shoes too! No jewelry though! I'm taking care of that part."

I laughed while nodding. "Alright, I'll find a dress and shoes."

Rosalie got quiet for a few seconds before sniffing softly. "We miss you guys."

"Us too," I agreed. "Love you guys."

I loved living in Austin and being so close to my parents, but I missed my Seattle family too. Edward hadn't said anything about missing his parents or brother, but I was pretty sure he felt the same way I did. Austin was nice… but it wasn't home.

Rosalie and I talked a little while longer before hanging up. An hour later, Alice and I arranged our flight back to Seattle and booked our hotel rooms in the little town called Forks. I had just hung up with Alice when I noticed Edward staring at me with his mouth slightly gapped.

"What?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "I just didn't realize there would be so many details. It wasn't like that when Alice and Jasper got married. All I had to do was go get fitted for that stupid tux and then make sure Jasper wasn't late to the wedding."

I wanted to remind him that Alice had been the bride and therefore everything had been planned months in advance. I just smiled at his naivety because he really had no idea how much planning Alice, Esme, Rosalie, and I had done.

"So," he muttered, throwing himself on the bed next to me. "What were you working on?"

"Nothing really, just some stuff Jasper and I talked about." I turned the journal to where he could read what I'd written.

He nodded while his eyes scanned the page. "What about our song?"

"What about it?"

"When are we going to start working on it?" He pulled the journal away before kissing me quickly. "I've had this melody in my head and I can't stop thinking about it. I think it would be perfect for our song."

I nodded and slowly ran my fingers through his hair. Edward lay down so that he was lying across the bed on his stomach. His forehead leaned against my leg while his long legs fell over the side of the bed. "So you want to do the music and I'll do the lyrics?"

He shrugged before rolling over onto his back so he could look up at me. "I think we should do both. You write part of the music and I'll write part of the lyrics. Maybe I could do the piano and you could do the guitar."

Edward started humming the melody that had been in his mind while his fingers drummed out a rhythm against his stomach. It was slow, but had a good beat behind it. A simple guitar accompaniment would fit.

"What do you want it to say?" I asked him. "I mean have you thought about what you want the lyrics to say?"

He stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, still humming, before looking back at me. "I think the chorus should be something that we both want, you know, from each other. And then we can each take turns in the verses."

I nodded and kept playing with his hair.

"Maybe in our verses it can be what we would want the other to remember. You know?"

"So what's the one thing we both want?" I asked, already having an idea in mind.

"Well, I want to love you and I hope you want the same thing," he said quietly.

I smiled before leaning forward and gently kissing Edward's forehead, then his nose and finally his lips. "That's what I want, too."

He smiled up at me before singing softly. "I want to be loved by you always."

I hummed the same melody from before as he sang the lyrics again. Without stopping, Edward reached over to pick up my journal. He handed it to me before sitting up and kissing me.

"You should write," he said against my lips.

"And what are you going to do?" I pulled against his shirt trying to keep him close to me.

"I was going to go play around with the music. I can hear more of it now, especially the piano portion. It's a little slower than the original melody, but I think it could work," he explained. "Want to help?"

Throwing the blanket off of my legs, I nodded and got off of the bed before grabbing my guitar case from the corner of the room. Edward took it from me and practically pulled me behind him as we walked toward the studio.

Four hours later, Edward was still sitting at the keyboard while I scribbled words down as I thought of them. Hearing the full spectrum of the music that he had heard in his head fueled my creativity. As he played, I hummed what I thought the guitar part should sound like and wrote the lyrics that were forming.

There were thousands of things I wished Edward would always be able to remember about me and about our relationship, but specifically I wanted to remind him that good or bad, we were in this together. We had both made mistakes, some of them small and some of them enormous, but together we overcame them. I didn't expect Edward to be perfect and I loved him for who he was,was, faults and all. He was and always would be perfectly imperfect and I wouldn't change that even if I could.

Whatever life threw at us I knew that Edward was the person that I wanted to spend forever with, and I needed him to know that too. Life wasn't perfect and it sure as hell wasn't always fair. If life was going to give me challenges and place things in my path that I couldn't handle on my own, then I wanted Edward to be there with me. I'd tried to things on my own, and even if a small part of it could have been success, a large part of it was also failure. Ignoring my fears and locking myself away from everything and everyone I knew was not the way to handle life's problems. I needed Edward just like he needed me. We balanced each other and my world simply didn't work without him in it.

"So even when life is shitty, I'll still be the one you want?" Edward asked from behind me.

I shrugged and handed him the journal so he could finish reading it. "You asked me what I would want you to remember and this is it. I don't ever want you to feel like I deserve some one better because there isn't anyone else I want."

When he didn't say anything, I turned around in my chair to look up at him. His eyes kept moving over the words on the page reading and re-reading what I'd written. When he continued being silent I started to get nervous.

Was this too much, too soon? I didn't want to bring up issues that both of us had moved past but at the same time, what I had written was the honest truth. I was on the verge starting some serious backtracking when Edward kneeled down in front of me. I could tell from the look on his face that he was thinking about what he was going to say. I bit my lip and waited.

"I love you, Bella. You know that don't you?" His voice was quiet and timid, so unlike his normal cocky behavior.

I nodded. "You know I feel the same way, right?"

Edward smiled before standing up and pulling me with him. His hands cupped the side of my face before he leaned forward to kiss me gently. I smiled when his thumbs made small circles on my cheeks.

"Come on," he said. He let go of my face to grab hold of my hand. I followed behind him to the keyboard that he'd been playing earlier.

"What are we doing?" I asked him. He pushed a tall stool towards me and I sat down.

Edward moved to stand behind me and his hands held mine before placing them on the keyboard in front of us. His fingers moved mine over the keys as his lips left soft kisses against my shoulder and neck until he reached my ear. His hot breath on my neck made me shiver.

"I'm going to teach you how to play the piano," he whispered against my ear.

I only halfway listened as he started teaching me but didn't bother to tell him that half of what he was teaching went over my head. He could have stood there for hours pressed up against my back, moving my fingers over the white and black keys and the only thing I would have cared about was that his body was so close to mine.

"Got that?" Edward asked.

I nodded my head even though I didn't have a clue what he was asking about.

He laughed softly. "So what key is this?"

"No idea."

He laughed and I shrugged, not even ashamed to admit that I hadn't been paying attention. I turned on my stool so that I could look up at him.

"I want to do something," I said slowly. He nodded, waiting for me to continue. "Can we record something?"

"Now?"

When I nodded, he walked into the small room that the sound board was in and I watched as he flipped a few switches until the red light above the door came on. When he rejoined me I nervously bit my lip.

"What are we recording?" Edward asked. "I don't think the piano piece is ready…"

His voice trailed off as I pulled my shirt over my head. His eyes were wide with surprise as he continued to watch me pull my clothes off and slowly make my way towards him.

"Us," I answered quietly. "I want to record us."

His eyes looked over my body, starting at my feet and ending with my eyes. I started to get nervous, thinking that this had been too forward. But when Edward practically ripped his shirt off before pulling me to him, I knew that he was just as willing as I was. I would take him up on the piano lesson later. Right now I didn't want anything else but the feeling of Edward's body against mine.

**A/N: Writers block is not my friend and I apologize for keeping you waiting. I'll try to be quicker from here on out. I promise.**

**Ally aka ChampagneAnyone is hosting a Groupie read along! It will be June 20****th**** and I hope you guys can participate! I have no idea what an author does at a read along but I will be on twitter ready and willing to answer your questions. If I have time, I might even post a little Groupie outtake. What sort of outtake would you want? Who's POV? Hit me up with some ideas!**

**And I have a question. Who would you lay your groupie card down for?**


	25. You and Me

**I don't own Twilight but this Edward and Bella are mine.**

"**You and me, me and you, there couldn't be a better two to be blessed and know the meaning of true love." You and Me, Rosie Thomas**

"Are you… you're Edward Cullen. Right?"

A teenage girl with braces and frizzy hair stood there staring at Edward. Her hands were shaking so badly that it made it hard not to feel sorry for her, especially since I used to have that same reaction to him. When Edward nodded she squealed a little before digging her phone out of her bag.

"Could… I… get a picture… with… you?" she asked breathlessly.

Edward smiled before handing his bag to Jasper. "No problem."

I watched in amusement as Alice took the girl's phone and quickly snapped a picture of the two of them. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that the picture would be plastered all over the internet within the hour, but I was starting to learn that it came with a territory… even if I didn't like it.

We had booked the earliest flight out of Austin, hoping to avoid a massive amount of people, and so far it had been successful. Other than a few squawking teenagers and a handful of seriously disturbing older women (several of whom grabbed Edward's ass), things went pretty smoothly. Before long, the four of us were fastened into our seats and watching as they explained how to use our seat bottoms as floatation devices.

Thirty minutes into the flight, I was playing solitaire on my iPod and trying not to get annoyed with Edward's constant fidgeting. He would shift in his seat, grumbling while trying to get situated. When it didn't stop fifteen minutes later, I yanked the earbuds out of my ears.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked quietly.

"First class or not, there is not enough fucking leg room!" Edward complained. He stuck one of his legs out into the aisle and pushed back against his seat. "I feel like I'm just crammed in here."

I sighed before pulling the armrest that was between us up, giving him more space. "If you lean against me both of your legs will be able to stretch out into the aisle."

His eyes darted from me to the floor as if he was trying to decide if this was a good idea. I laughed and pointed at Jasper and Alice, who were sitting on the other side of the aisle. He was leaning into her with his legs sprawled out, basically demonstrating the solution I'd offered.

"You won't be uncomfortable?" He asked.

I shook my head and he rearranged himself into a more comfortable position. This was no different than him practically lying on top of me every night when he fell asleep. I reclined my chair back and angled my body so that my back was against the wall of the airplane.

After he got situated and both of his legs were given sufficient space, I kissed his shoulder and started to put my earbuds back in. Before I could grab the right one, he took it from me and shoved it in his own ear. We spent the majority of the flight like that, scrolling through songs and playing games on my iPod. After beating him for the fifth time at Uno, he pretended to pout until I gave in and played checkers, which I never won at.

The Seattle airport was a completely different story than Austin's. There were people everywhere and it took forever to even make it to the car Alice had arranged for us. People stopped us, asking for pictures and autographs which lead to a crowd surrounding the four of us. Alice was Alice and did her job of moving Edward through the airport while staying calm and collected. Jasper sort of herded people together, keeping them from trampling Alice and Edward. I stood there looking like an idiot. I clung to the garment bag that draped over my arms, not caring that my dress and Edward's suit were probably going to be wrinkled beyond recognition by the time we got out of there.

After actually getting into the vehicle, I was exhausted. The rest of them seemed perfectly fine and I tried not to look like I was on the verge of freaking out. I took deep breaths to try and slow my heart beat while staring out of the window of the car.

Without saying anything, Edward put his hand on the back of my neck. He continued talking with Jasper while his thumb drew small circles against my skin. I leaned against him and watched as the city passed us by.

"You're okay," he whispered against my ear. I nodded and relaxed the grip that I had on the garment bag sitting in my lap, smiling when Edward kissed the top of my head.

**~TG~TG~TG~TG~**

"Emmett, you're going to have to learn to share!" Alice yelled. We all laughed as she ran around the couch, holding the Wii controller against her chest and out of Emmett's reach.

After checking into the hotel and a fantastic dinner that Esme had made, all of us were sitting in the Cullens' living room taking turns playing games on the Wii. Things had been fine until Emmett, Edward, and Alice had gotten too competitive. Now it was quickly becoming something close to anarchy.

"No running in the house!" Esme called from the kitchen.

"Throw me the controller!" Edward dodged the couch cushion Emmett had chunked at him.

Alice jumped behind Jasper, still yelling at Emmett. "You're about to be a dad! You can't always win or be first at everything!"

"I still have three months!" he yelled back at her.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and sighed. "He's been like this for thirty-five years. I seriously doubt that he will change just because we have a baby."

"Hey!" Emmett protested.

His momentary lapse of focus gave Alice the chance she was looking for. Darting from behind Jasper, she ran to Edward and gave him the other controller. A second later, Emmett had her thrown over his shoulder while she laughed uncontrollably as he tickled her.

Carlisle came back in the living room and shook his head. "Emmett, if she pees on you again because you refuse to stop, it will be your fault."

Alice squealed when he unceremoniously dumped her in Jasper's lap but everything stopped when Esme threatened to make them watch _The Sound of Music _if they didn't calm down. Apparently it was a punishment for everyone but Esme, Rosalie, and me since the three of us who actually liked the movie. Once Emmett had settled on the couch next to Rosalie, the conversation turned civil again.

We talked about the wedding and the baby. Everyone was joking about their frustration about the fact that they weren't telling people what they were having. I smiled and watched everyone talking, finding it hard to believe that in just a few short months Emmett and Rosalie would be parents. It seemed like someone had hit the fast forward button on our lives, making the last ten years seem like a blur. We weren't kids anymore and for some reason that was both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

I missed the carefree days that we'd had in our early twenties. We had been young and optimistic, our outlooks untainted by life's tribulations. Now, in our early thirties, things just seemed more… real. Decisions I'd made at twenty-one didn't have the same impact as the ones I made now. Before, I would have done what I thought was best for me. Now, I made decisions based on what was best for Edward and me, together. Although we had only been dating a little over three months, we had become an "us" and it was a feeling I was quickly growing accustomed to.

We stayed at Carlisle and Esme's a lot later than any of us had realized and once we were in the car, driving back to the hotel, the time difference started catching up with us. It was only one in the morning in Seattle but it was three AM in Austin. After changing into my pajamas, I crawled into the bed and tried to stay awake until Edward finished showering. I listened to the water hitting the tile and smiled when the smell of Edward's soap and shampoo wafted though the room.

"Are you awake?" Edward asked quietly.

I nodded even though my body felt like it was half asleep. The bed moved behind me as he got in it, and I smiled when his warm and damp skin touched mine.

"Are you okay?" he whispered against my shoulder.

"Just tired," I answered.

"Oh." He sounded relieved. "Okay, good."

The tone of his voice made me curious, so I rolled onto my back to look at him. Although the room was mostly dark, I could make out the worry that sat in the deep crease between Edward's eyes. I slowly reached up and ran my fingers through his wet hair, letting my nails massage his scalp.

"You were so quiet tonight," he said softly. "I just didn't… You haven't been back to Seattle since you left. I didn't want you to be upset."

I stared up at him, completely blown away by the fact that I hadn't been in Seattle for nearly four years. Slowly shaking my head, I once again thought about how fast all of it had flown by. I'd kept in touch with Angela and even Mike, but I hadn't ever come back to see them.

"No." I smiled to reassure him. "I'm fine. I just can't help but think about how fast the last ten years have flown by. I don't feel like any of us should be old enough to have children, but we are."

Edward smiled before leaning down to kiss me. "But think about how much we still have left to do. Alice and Jasper will eventually have kids and you and I will get married."

My heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second before pounding wildly in my chest. "We will?"

"Well," Edward sat up a little. "I want to but if you don't…"

A nervous adrenaline coursed through my body, leaving me jittery and excited. I sat up, pushing Edward back so he was sitting next to me.

"Are you asking me to marry you?" I asked him in a shaky whisper.

"Not officially but… yeah. I think it's something we should start thinking about if it's what you want, too."

I tried not to be disappointed that this wasn't a real proposal, but even as I nodded at his logic, my heart sank a little. It was stupid to feel this way, especially since he was telling me that _someday_ he would officially ask me. It was highly ironic that he had been the first one to even mention marriage in LA and I had been the one to balk at the idea. Now only months later, I was pretty much ready, willing, and eager.

"It is something you want. Right?" Edward asked hesitantly.

"Of course it is!" I practically yelled at him. After covering my mouth, I quietly apologized. "Sorry, it's just that… that is something I've wanted since I fell in love with you."

Edward tucked a piece of stray hair behind my ear while smiling. I shivered when his hand curved around my neck and his thumb traced over my jaw.

"We'll be happy, Bella," he said, pulling me towards him so he could kiss my forehead. "I promise."

I leaned against him, wrapping my arms around his sides and nodding as he continued to whisper reassuring promises. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, but his words calmed the nerves that I didn't even know had been frayed. Somewhere in the very back of my mind, the saying "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" resurfaced. I ignored it as Edward pushed me back onto the bed. He left feather light kisses against my neck and shoulders as his body covered mine. I closed my eyes and held onto his shoulders, letting his lips and fingers make me forget everything but the two of us.

**~TG~TG~TG~TG~**

"You may now kiss the bride!"

Everyone clapped and laughed as Emmett dipped Rosalie backwards to kiss her. It was sweet and somewhat scary, since she was close to seven months pregnant, but he carefully straightened both of them back up before gently kissing her belly.

Their wedding had been perfect, very small and low key, which was exactly what Rosalie had wanted. There weren't more than thirty people there, but it was just the right amount to fill the small church that they'd found.

Despite the fact that Emmett and Edward had complained nonstop about wearing suits, they, along with Jasper, looked extremely handsome. To be honest, I had focused more on Edward than the actual wedding until Alice nudged my back to make me pay attention. The rest of the ceremony, I stared at the back of Rosalie's head and tried to ignore the green eyes that were focused directly on me.

Rosalie looped her arm through Emmett's and the two of them set off back down the short aisle. I kneeled down to fix the back of her train when they stopped to hug their parents, and took Edward's hand when he offered to help me back up. His arm reached around my back to hold on to my waist as the two of us followed behind his brother and Rosalie.

"You seemed a little distracted up there," he teasingly whispered before kissing my temple.

I leaned into him and shook my head, hating the fact that I could practically feel the heat radiating off of my face from blushing. "Nope, you must be imagining things."

"Oh, trust me," he breathed against my ear. "I was and I will show you what it was later."

I stopped, making Alice run into my back, while Edward just laughed and tugged me closer to him. My face had gone past red and was probably a nice shade of maroon now.

Forks was a small town, only marginally bigger than my hometown in Texas. Its options for a reception location were definitely limited. There was the local bar, which wasn't really an option since none of us drank anymore, the civic building which had already been rented out by some church group, and a tacky little restaurant called The Lodge. It had dead animals up on the wall, along with antlers and other various items that were used while hunting.

They had cleared out the back room of the restaurant to accommodate the wedding goers and by Emmett's request had left the jukebox and pinball machine that sat in the corner. The entire place seemed classically hokey which made it even better.

"I want my picture taken with the fake moose," Alice said, motioning towards it with her head. Not ten minutes later, she had convinced the entire wedding party to gather around it, posing with the dead stuffed animal.

"Only Alice," Jasper muttered. I smiled and followed them to the table we'd been assigned to.

After we ate dinner and watched Rosalie and Emmett cut their cake, the jukebox started getting attention. Edward picked a classically cheesy song for their first dance which then turned into a contest to see who could out cheese the other. When Disney movie theme songs started being played, I excused myself. The constant noise and loud music were making me edgy, so I wandered outside for a second to clear my head.

Considering that it was still early spring, the weather was actually nice. It wasn't cold or rainy, which was the norm for this area, but there was just enough chill in the air to make you shiver if the wind blew in the right direction.

I dusted off an old bench on the restaurant's porch and sat down. The music could still be heard, and every now and then I could hear Emmett's boisterous laughter, but for the most part it was quiet. There was a slight chirp from crickets and the rustling of leaves as the wind blew through the trees. It was peaceful and made me feel homesick, which was odd since I'd never even been to Forks before.

"Why do you keep disappearing?" Emmett's voice surprised me. "This is a party, Bella. No moping allowed."

He sat down next to me and I punched his arm. "I'm not pouting! It's just nice out here…"

Emmett looked around the dense trees and nodded his head. "I guess if small towns are your thing then I could see the appeal. I'm more of a city kinda guy though."

I opened my mouth to agree with him but I didn't know if it was really true anymore. I liked living in Austin and had loved living in Seattle but there was something to be said for small towns. People seemed to live life a little slower in places like this, focusing on things like family and values instead of money and titles.

"You're still not used to the whole 'being around a bunch of people' thing are you?"

His question caught me off guard and my face must have shown it.

Emmett shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't anything to be embarrassed about, Bella. You went through something and dealt with it the only way you knew how. It might just take some time to readjust."

I hadn't really talked to anyone about my solitude issues since Edward and I had talked about them in LA. I guess I had just assumed that since I was living with Edward, spending time with Jasper and Alice, and still seeing my friends from the record store that I had moved past them. It was a little disappointing to realize that that wasn't the case.

"It isn't always like this," I admitted quietly. Emmett draped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a reassuring squeeze. "I… I love being with Edward. I love spending time with you and Rosalie, Jasper and Alice. I just… don't feel comfortable around people who aren't my family, like you guys."

I stared down at the cement beneath my feet and frowned. I'd thought that I had come so far from how I had been before. I shared my feelings, thoughts and concerns with people in my life. I didn't shy away from expressing myself with Edward and quite frankly had become a little ballsy in certain areas of our relationship. But it still bothered me to be surrounded by groups of people I didn't really know that well. Was this part of my paranoia or part of my reclusive tendencies? Either way, I didn't like it. It worried me that I hadn't even realized I was shying away from people until Emmett had mentioned it. But now, it was plainly obvious that aside from hanging out at our house, Jasper and Alice's house, or Jessica's apartment, I didn't go anywhere.

Emmett shifted in his seat, reminding me that he was still sitting there. I shook my head and looked at him. "This is your wedding reception, Em. I shouldn't… I didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer. I just needed a second to think."

Emmett laughed quietly. "I needed some fresh air and you just happened to be sitting out here. Besides, you're pretty much a sister to me. If you need someone to sit here and not talk, then I can do that."

Leaning my head back against his arm I quietly whispered my appreciation. Emmett nodded and the two of us sat there, staring at the twilight darkness settling around us.

Several minutes later, his voice broke the silence. "You aren't broken, Bella."

I turned my head to look at him. He gave me a small smile before shrugged his shoulders. Sometimes it really amazed me that Emmett could know exactly what to say even if you didn't know that you needed to hear it. I leaned into his side and gave him a hug.

"You're going to be a great dad, Emmett," I said softly.

Like Edward always did, he kissed the top of my head before clearing his throat loudly. "Alright, enough emotional bullshit. Let's go back inside and dance."

I laughed as Emmett pulled me up from the bench and I followed him back inside. Journey was playing from the jukebox and the majority of the people who had been at the wedding were dancing to their classically eighties lyrics. Emmett wasted no time in finding Rosalie and I waved to Jasper and Alice as they danced beside Carlisle and Esme. Edward was sitting at one of the tables and smiled as I made my way to him.

"Hey," I said, sitting next to him.

"You okay?"

I nodded as I laced my fingers between his. "Better than okay."

**~TG~TG~TG~TG~**

"Is it sad that I'm not really in any hurry to go back?" I asked Edward.

He laughed before throwing the last of his clothes into the suitcase. We were leaving to head back to Austin that afternoon and other than already being sick of staying in a hotel, I wasn't really ready to leave Seattle.

Edward crawled over the bed until he was hovering above me. "I miss our bed," he said softly. "And the shower bench."

I laughed and playfully pushed on his shoulders even though I had to agree with him. That bench was hell on my knees, but it made showering together extremely fun. He kissed me before lying on his side next to me and continuing the serious side of our conversation.

"We'll be back for the baby shower in June, and you know my mother is going to want to do something for my birthday. Maybe we could just stay for a few weeks until the baby is born," he suggested.

"Mm," I nodded. "Like a little vacation."

"Vacation in Seattle, nice," Edward said sarcastically. "What happened to Fiji? Or Hawaii?"

I made a face and shook my head. "I don't like bathing suits."

He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose. "No bathing suits are required if you get a private beach."

A loud knocking on our door and the phone ringing interrupted my sputtering response. Edward laughed as he pushed himself off of the bed. I sat up and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?"

"Where's Edward?" Alice asked frantically.

"He's answering the door," I answered quickly. "What's wrong?"

Before Alice had a chance to answer me the front door slammed against the wall as it was forced open.

"What the hell-" Edward asked before I heard him yell in pain. "What the fuck?"

I shoved myself off of the bed, dropping the phone on the floor as I ran towards the front room. I stopped in the doorway when I saw Emmett holding Edward by the front of his shirt against the wall. As if in slow motion, his fist connect with Edward's jaw and I screamed as Emmett starting yelling at his brother.

"Emmett! Stop!" I yelled, running towards both of them.

Edward pushed him backward, ignoring my attempts to stop them. I was shoved into the minibar as they both started throwing punches at each other, breaking furniture as they pushed and shoved their way around the room.

I watched them, completely shocked and unable to do anything but stand there crying. Thankfully, a few seconds later, Jasper and Alice ran into the room and Jasper successfully managed to pull Emmett off of Edward.

"I fucking warned you!" Emmett growled, struggling against Jasper's grip. "I told you if this happened I would beat the fucking shit out of you!"

Edward stood there panting, with blood covering the front of his shirt and his face already swelling. I looked at everyone in the room, wondering what the hell had happened. Three nights ago at the wedding, everything had been fine!

Alice shut the door before turning around to stare at Edward. "We need to talk."

**A/N: Oh a cliffy! We haven't had one of those in a while! So, in case you couldn't tell, the angst is on its way back. It won't be too bad. I promise.**

**The majority of you said that you would lay down your groupie card for Rob, which is totally not surprising. Haha! I would gladly hand mine over to one Mr. Rupert Grint. That Ginger hair gets me every time. Also, any of the Followill's, those boys are delicious! **


	26. Under the Bridge

** I don't own Twilight, but do own tickets to go see ZZ Top tonight! WOOH!**

"**I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way." Under The Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers**

"We need to talk," Alice said calmly.

"I haven't fucking done anything!" Edward yelled, glaring at his brother. Jasper's grip tightened around Emmett's arms when he tried to pull away from him again.

Coming out of the shock that had left me standing there staring at the four of them, I moved toward Edward. The blood on his shirt made me gag but I swallowed back the bile. Ignoring Emmett's stream of profanities, I tentatively held Edward's arm.

Once his brother's eyes focused on me, the anger started all over again. Emmett's voice roared above Alice's as he pulled away from Jasper.

"What about what you did to her, Edward? How the fuck do you think this makes Bella feel?"

I cringed away from his monstrous voice but stayed between the two of them, in front of Edward and holding on to his arm, as if it might keep him from fighting with his brother again. I hated the fact that my mind automatically assumed the worst and as Edward's other arm pulled me back against him, I tried to ignore the doubts that were making my body shake. Edward hadn't used in over three years. We lived together and if he was doing that shit again, certainly I would know about it. Wouldn't I?

"I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about, Emmett! You come in here throwing me up against the wall without explaining anything!" Edward yelled back. I tightened my grip on his arm.

"Both of you knock it the fuck off!" Jasper screamed over both of them. "If you'll stop acting like a bunch of assholes and let Alice explain then maybe we could get past the fucking testosterone driven fist fights!"

"Explain what?" Edward stared at Alice. "What the hell did I fuck up now?"

Alice held up a plain CD case and shook her head. "FedEx delivered this today."

Edward and I looked at the CD then back to her. "What is it?" I asked quietly. His arm tightened around my body as we waited for Alice to explain.

"The CD we made in LA." Alice sighed before continuing. "Someone got a copy of it and its all over TMZ and Perez Hilton. A few radio stations are playing clips of it."

Relief was the first thing I felt, mainly because I had honestly believed that it might have been the recording we had made a few weeks ago. And that was not something I wanted the rest of the world to hear. But then I remembered what all had been on the CD from LA. The songs weren't bad, even if it was embarrassing to once again have my voice thrown all over the internet, but there had been some pretty private moments recorded; Edward and I talking about my damn insecurities and Emmett and Rosalie telling us that they were having a baby.

"I didn't…" Edward said quietly. "I only made two copies of that CD and both of them are sitting on a shelf at our house in Austin!"

Emmett's anger boiled over again. "I don't give a shit how many copies you made! I don't care where the fuck they are! What I do care about is the fact that my wife is freaking the hell out because millions of people now know that we're having a baby!"

"Stop," Jasper warned, grabbing the back of Emmett's shirt.

"I told you, Edward. I fucking told you that you had to be careful! I admitted to tripping on acid on that fucking CD! Do you think my boss is going to be happy about that? Or Rosalie's family? Hell Edward, what the fuck do you think Mom and Dad are going to say?"

Edward shook his head. "Em, I didn't… I wouldn't ever do this on purpose!"

"I guess it shouldn't matter, right? What's another drug using son? At least I knew enough to stop myself before turning into a fucking addict!"

"No!" I screamed, grabbing Edward's arm as he pushed me aside.

Jasper wrapped both of his arms around Emmett's chest and started pulling him backwards. I scrambled around the broken coffee table and stood between them, pushing Edward backward.

"STOP!" Alice screamed. "THIS ISN'T HELPING ANYTHING!"

"I wouldn't hurt my family on purpose, Emmett! You know that! And fuck you for coming in here throwing that shit around! You know I don't use anymore!"

"Please stop," I pleaded.

Edward's chest heaved under my hands. I gently slid my hands up to his neck and pulled his head down to look at me. His eyes were full of furry and remorse, making my heart ache. Edward's jaw tightened before he took a deep breath and looked back at his brother.

"If something happens," Emmett warned. His voice shook from the effort it took to control his anger. "If anything happens to Rosalie or my kid, I will make you will regret it. We didn't sign up for this celebrity bullshit, Edward. And I will be damned if _my_ family will be pulled into it just because you were too fucking stupid to not cover your ass!"

I flinched when he shoved Jasper off of him and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Alice shook her head before turning to Edward.

"The label is having their attorneys look into forcing the recordings being pulled but I seriously doubt it will do any good. We can either release a statement or ignore it."

"Ignore it," Edward said. His voice was cold and detached. "Tell the hotel I'll pay for the damages."

We watched as he stepped over the broken furniture and disappeared into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Wrapping my arms around myself, I stared at the closed door.

"Should I try to rearrange your flight?" Alice asked softly.

I shook my head. "I'll take care of it."

Leaving Alice and Jasper standing there, I followed Edward into the bedroom, shutting the door behind me just like he had. I leaned against it, hating how familiar it was to see him sitting on the floor looking like the entire world sat on his shoulders. I closed my eyes and reminded myself that he wasn't the same Edward from years before.

After wetting a washcloth in the bathroom, I sat in front of him. He continued to stare at the floor, only flinching when I gently wiped away the dried blood on his face. We didn't speak for several minutes.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Shaking my head, I carefully held the cold rag against a bruise forming on his jaw. "You didn't do anything wrong, Edward."

"My brother hates me," he muttered.

"He doesn't hate you. He's upset and being overprotective because of the baby and Rosalie. You know he didn't mean what he said, Edward. Emmett is hotheaded and gets out of control when he's mad about something. He loves you."

I watched as he pushed himself off of the floor, leaving me sitting there. He threw the suitcase onto the bed and started pulling clothes out of it.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Edward pulled his shirt over his head before throwing it in the trashcan. "I'm going to take a shower before we have to leave for the airport."

"We can stay if you want."

He shook his head. "I want to leave."

I nodded as he walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Looking down at the blood covered rag in my hand, I felt ill. It wasn't because of the stains that covered the white cloth, but the sense of impending fear that had settled in my chest.

**~TG~TG~TG~TG~**

The flight back to Texas was horrible. Edward sat in his seat staring straight ahead, not talking to anyone. His sunglasses covered most of the bruise under his eye but the one on his jaw was only getting worse.

I wanted to comfort him, to make him realize that we would be fine, but anytime I tried to touch him he would just move away from me. After two hours of being pushed away, I left him alone.

By the time we walked through our front door, both of us were beyond irritated. Maybe it was a little selfish for me to be mad at him for basically shutting down, especially since that had my method of coping for years, but it wasn't like this didn't affect me either. I didn't expect him to hold me and promise me that everything would be fine, but I would have appreciated anything other than the one word answers he kept giving me.

I was setting my purse on the couch when the front door slammed behind Edward. I jumped from the noise but remained silent as he stormed through the house. Ignoring the stream of profanities that followed behind him, I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. But when there was a loud crashing sound coming from the office, I couldn't just stand there.

I watched from the doorway as Edward dumped row after row of CDs onto the floor. His feet stepped on them as he moved across the room, snapping most of them into pieces.

"What are you doing?" My voice was calm, even if I wasn't.

"Two copies of that CD were in this room when we fucking left! I know for a fact that I didn't leave a copy at the recording studio! So the only other explanation is that one of the ones from this house is the one that was leaked!" he screamed at me.

I stared at him, feeling like I'd been punched in the chest. "You really think that I would do that?" I asked him. "You think that I would do that to you? To your family?"

Edward shook his head. "Not you."

"Then who the hell else? Alice and Jasper?" I yelled at his back. "Jesus, Edward you can't stop trusting your closest friends!"

He threw down the stack of CDs that he'd been holding and glared at me. "I'm not worried about _my_ friends, Bella."

I shook my head but he ignored me.

"What the fuck do you really know about him?" Edward continued yelling. "What do you know about any of them?"

"When the hell would Garrett have been over here to get the CD? He can't get in here unless one of us lets him in and when he has been here, he's never been alone!"

"Then where is your fucking copy of the CD?" Edward's voice thundered around the room. "God, you can be so fucking naive!"

I stepped over the mess of broken plastic and pulled my copy out of the row where I had put it. After throwing it at him I shook my head. "Before you start blaming me or my friends for things that we didn't do, you should make sure to know what the fuck you're talking about!"

Edward ignored me and pulled the CD out of its case before putting it into the CD player. I watched him as all of our voices spoke through the speaker. After listening for a second, he pulled my copy out and put his in. It was the same thing.

"Garrett didn't steal my copy, Edward. Neither did anyone else from the store. None of them even knew anything about it! So unless you want to stand there and tell me that he somehow managed to get in here and listen to every fucking CD that we have, just to find that one, then I suggest you find another scapegoat!"

He stared at me for a second before looking down at the CDs that he had in his hand. "I don't trust him, Bella," Edward said slowly.

"I didn't trust Jane!" I said bitterly. "I told you from the first day I fucking met her, Aro, and the rest of them that they were bad for you! I also said that about James and Katie! You chose to ignore my opinions and do what ever the fuck you wanted! So tell me Edward, which one of us has the best track record of accurate judgment?"

"Why the hell do all of you keep throwing that in my face?" Edward threw the CDs against the wall before taking a step towards me. "I fucked up, okay? I was a drug addict and an asshole! I took advantage of my fucking best friend and made her hate me! I spent two years in a damn relationship with someone who royally fucked my life up! Is that what you want to hear, Bella? Do you need to hear me say you were right? How many times do I have to apologize before you realize that I'm not fucking perfect?"

"I have forgiven you, Edward."

He shook his head, staring at the floor between us. I took a step closer to him and leaned my head down, trying to get him to look at me. He reluctantly raised his eyes to meet mine.

"We can't fight against each other. If we don't trust each other then how are we going to make a relationship work?" I quietly asked him.

Edward's hands reached out for mine. "I do trust you."

"No," I whispered. "You don't. If you did, then you would trust my judgment. I wouldn't ever let someone in here if I had an ounce of doubt that they weren't trustworthy. I wouldn't do that to you."

He didn't say anything, just watched my face before pulling me towards him. As his arms wrapped around my shoulders, I held on to his sides and pressed my face against his chest.

"I'm just…" Edward sighed. "I'm so tired and shouldn't have taken any of this out on you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I kissed the middle of his chest. "Maybe you should call your brother. You've both had a chance to calm down and you know he didn't mean what he said, Edward."

"I know," he agreed.

After I carefully kissed the bruise on his jaw, I handed Edward the phone. He grumbled something before dialing Emmett's number and walking back into the living room.

I only halfheartedly eavesdropped on their conversation while unpacking our stuff, but by the time they'd hung up it seemed like things were semi-resolved. I was in the middle of separating out laundry when Edward joined me in the bedroom. He was sprawled across the bed, watching as I threw clothes into different piles.

"Does your face hurt?" I asked him. He shook his head, but I knew he was lying. "Do you want some Tylenol?"

"No, I'm fine."

I threw the last pair of jeans into the stack before walking to the bed. My fingers wove through Edward's hair and my nails scratched against his scalp gently. I smiled when his eyes closed.

"There's nothing you want to make you feel better?"

"Just you," he answered. His hands pulled me down onto the bed next to him. I curled into his side, resting my head against his arm. It didn't take long for both of us to fall asleep on top of the covers.

**~TG~TG~TG~TG~**

My knees bounced up and down from pent up nervousness as I stared at the painting on the wall opposite me. I suppose it was meant to be calming, with its muted colors and countryside landscape, but the longer I looked at it the more anxious I became. It wasn't the painting, I knew that, but I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision.

I hadn't talk to Edward about this or even Jasper or Alice. In fact, my decision to see a therapist hadn't been discussed with anyone. It was a choice that I'd made before we had even left Seattle and had only been more solidified once we got back.

Edward had had a drug problem and he knew it. Regardless of the reasons that lead him to rehab, it had been his determination that helped him overcome his past. He had set aside his insecurities and fears and done what he had to do. Even if we weren't together at the time, I knew that I was part of the reason he had gone. He had bettered himself for me and I owed him the same dedication. There was something wrong with me, and I had to stop pretending I could fix it by myself.

A door to the right of me opened and I watched as a woman around my age made her way into the room. Her arms were full of spiral notebooks, her purse, and two cups of coffee. She smiled warmly when the door closed behind her.

"Bella?" she asked, dumping the books on her desk. I nodded and took her hand when she offered it to me. "I'm Doctor Afton. It's nice to meet you."

"You too," I said quietly.

She grabbed one of the notebooks, a pen, and a cup of coffee before settling into the chair across from mine. Flipping the book open, she clicked her pen and looked up at me.

"So, what can I help you with?"

I pulled at the fabric of my shirt and shrugged my shoulders. "I… think there is something wrong with me. Actually, I know there is. I just don't know how to fix it… or make it stop."

Dr. Afton nodded her head. "When you say something's wrong with you, what do you mean?"

"I..." My head shook as I tried to think of a way to explain things to her. "I don't like… people."

"As in you're violent? Or you just don't like people in general?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "No, I don't like being around people I don't know."

Her hand moved across the paper. "Have you always had these types of feelings?" I shook my head. "When did you start noticing that you felt that way?"

This was the moment I'd been dreading. I took a deep breath and looked at her. "My boyfriend is Edward Cullen," I said quietly.

Her eyes widened for a second before she nodded for me to continue.

I shifted in my seat. "We…were friends for a really long time, before he became a big musician, and a few years ago the two of us did something really, really stupid. To make a long story short, we didn't talk for nearly three years. And during that time I pretty much cut myself off from everyone and everything I'd known."

"Self isolation," Dr. Afton said.

Nodding my head, I continued. "Well, we ended up reconnecting and now were living together and I'm really happy with Edward."

"But?" she prompted.

"But, I wasn't really ready to deal with screaming fans and paparazzi. I didn't realize that because we are in a relationship together that I would become a celebrity, too."

"Is this something that you've discussed with Edward?"

I nodded. "He keeps telling me that I'll be okay, that he won't let anything happen to me. I believe him and it isn't that I'm worried about someone shanking me or anything…"

Dr. Afton laughed lightly.

Smiling, I shrugged my shoulders. "I just don't… I don't like the feeling of other people, strangers, having any insight into our relationship. It's something that we literally went to hell and back for… I don't want to share it with every single fan that he has."

"Bella, would you say that this 'dislike of people' that you have is fearful or more of a protective instinct?"

"It scares me," I admitted. "It scares me to be in a situation that I don't know anything about, especially when large crowds are involved. But then I also hate the feeling of not having any control over what people will say or do."

"Well," she sat up in chair and smiled. "I think you have every right to want to protect your relationship. That's a natural instinct. But, if it is bordering on a social disorder then you might need to find ways to channel that anxious energy."

Dr. Afton folded her hands in her lap and leaned her head to one side.

"I'm going to be honest with you, Bella. From what you've told me, the biggest issue I think you might have is the fact that you don't really know how to handle situations that you aren't comfortable with. On your admit form you said, 'I felt like the only choices I had were to panic or run away'. That isn't healthy."

"I know," I admitted. "Which is why I'm here."

"And that's the first step. As cliché as it sounds, it's the truth." She said kindly. "You can't fix anything if you don't admit there is a problem. If you're willing to work through your feelings and really get to root of your anxiety, then I believe that you can find a healthier way to deal with these issues. And in turn, live a happier life being better equipped to deal with social settings that you normally wouldn't be comfortable in."

When I nodded, she leaned back in her chair and picked up her notebook again. With her pen ready to start writing she looked up at me. "So, tell me about your history with Edward."

_Where do I freaking start?_

**A/N Ok… what did you guys think was going to happen? I have to say a huge thanks to Maggie, Trin and Mollydamnit who have preread and beta'd three chapters in three days! Love you girls! Miss Ally, I hope you feel better soon!**


	27. Shelter

**I still don't own Twilight or this song.**

"**Listen, when all of this around us will fall over I tell you what we're gonna do. You will shelter me, my love, and I will shelter you." Shelter, Ray Lamontagne**

"You aren't crazy." Dr. Afton scribbled something on the notebook on her lap.

I don't know if I necessarily agreed with her but it did make feel better that she wasn't writing me off as a lunatic. But it was only our fifth session, so I'm assuming she still had plenty of time for that.

"I want to talk about Edward." She folded her hands in her lap and smiled at me. "Have you told him that you're coming to therapy?"

I shook my head and continued tracing the fabric that covered the arm of the chair. "No."

"Are you scared he will be upset about it?"

"No. I just… I don't want him to think it's his fault."

I saw Dr. Afton writing something in her notebook and it made me want to sigh. She always asked me why I hadn't told Edward and my answer changed every time. The truth was that I was scared. I was scared that he would judge me. Scared that he would think I was weak. I was scared that he would blame himself and put even more imaginary weight on his shoulders. Things were just so different between us recently. Not necessarily worse or better… just different. I didn't want to add something to the scale that would tip it in one direction or the other.

"Edward lied to you and had a drug addiction, Bella."

"I know."

"And you ran away from him and everyone else to avoid facing what had happened."

Again I wanted to sigh. "I know."

"So that would means your situation was caused by both of you. Both of you made mistakes. Both of you learned from them and now both of you need to move past what happened."

Easier said than done. "I'm not mad at Edward anymore. I don't hold any of what happened against him."

Dr. Afton leaned forward. "That may be true but you still deal with repercussions of what happened. And I really don't think that you will ever really move past them until you are completely honest with each other."

Edward wasn't stupid; he knew that there was something wrong with me. He was just too polite to blatantly tell me that I was acting psychotic. I didn't know if he knew just how bad it could get, especially when I didn't completely understand either. It was an up and down process, reasoning with myself that things would be fine and believing that I could handle it, then falling apart when something happened. There was no rhyme or reason to any of it; it just depended on how I mentally responded to the situations I found myself in. But understanding it or not, I had to deal with it, and that meant telling Edward about therapy.

When I got home that afternoon it surprised me how quiet our house was. Normally there was a TV or music to break the silence but the only sound I heard was the hum of the air conditioner. It didn't help my nerves. After sitting my purse and keys on the table by the door, I set off to see if anyone else was here. Once I reached the hallway, I realized why it was so quiet. The red light glowing from above the door told me that Edward was recording something.

I quietly pushed the door open and found him hunched over the keyboard, his fingers quickly moving over the black and white keys. A look of deep concentration covered his face which made the bruises on his face seem harsher than they had been when I'd left this morning. I was still annoyed with Emmett for overreacting and mangling Edward's beautiful face, but who was I to judge how someone handled situations like that? My method of coping was shutting down, which was only marginally better than overreacting completely. I sighed before sitting down in one of the rolling desk chairs behind the soundboard and watched through the glass window as Edward kept playing.

He was beautiful. Not just physically, although no one could deny that he was extremely attractive, but he had a beautiful soul. He gave freely, loved without expectations, and tried so hard to make up for his shortcomings. There were things from Edward's past that still haunted him, I knew that. I also knew that he put a lot of blame on himself for things that had happened, not just between us but with other people too, which is why I didn't want to tell him about me going to therapy. Edward had faced real problems, serious problems, and had overcome them. That was something to be proud of. But here I was, freaking out because people took pictures of me and put a video of me on YouTube. It made me feel stupid and ungrateful. I had someone that loved me, really loved me, who was also my best friend. I had a place to live and a great group of friends. So why the hell couldn't I focus on all of the good in my life instead of the damn insecurities that made me doubt every step I took?

Edward pulled the earphones off of his ears and stood up before walking towards the door. I smiled when he opened it and saw me sitting there.

"When did you get back?" Edward asked. I watched as he pushed buttons and flipped switches on the board.

"Just a few minutes ago. I didn't want to interrupt you."

"I was just messing around," he said quietly.

Edward pulled the other chair next to mine and sat down. His eyes closed as my fingers carefully traced the bruise on his jaw. "Looks better today. It's starting to turn yellow."

"Mmm," he nodded before pulling my hand away from my face. I watched as he kissed my palm and turned in his chair to look at me. "Did you get everything done that you needed to?"

I bit my lip and started fidgeting with Edward's fingers. It was a dead giveaway that there was something I wasn't telling him and it didn't take but a few seconds before Edward's hand squeezed mine.

"What?" He asked. "What's wrong?"

Shaking my head, I immediately started to reassure him. "Nothings wrong, not really," I sort-of-kind-of lied. "I just need to talk to you about some stuff."

He nodded, waiting for me to continue.

"I um," I said quietly. "I need to um… tell you something."

Edward moved to the edge of his chair. "If there isn't anything wrong then why are you freaking out? Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"No," I said quickly, shaking my head. "Edward, I'm fine. I just… I um… well I kind of…"

"Jesus, Bella! You're making me a nervous wreck!" He groaned. Edward rolled his chair to where it sat in front of mine. His hands rested on my thighs as he leaned towards me. "Whatever it is, please just tell me."

His beautiful face was covered in anxiety and worry and it made my chest ache.

"I started seeing a therapist." I whispered. "I didn't want to tell you until I went and knew that this was something I was going to keep doing. And then I just… I don't know. I didn't want you to be angry or disappointed that I was seeing someone."

Edward's mouth pulled into a frown. "Why would I be mad or disappointed?"

I shrugged; acting like I didn't really have an answer, but under his worried stare I gave him the answer he wanted and I was scared to give. "Because I'm stupid, Edward. I shouldn't freak out about things and I just… I don't want you to think less of me because I can't deal with anything like a normal person."

His hands moved to my hair and I watched as he shook his head. "Bella, I wouldn't ever think that." I leaned my head into his touch and closed my eyes when his lips kissed my forehead "Will you tell me why, though? Why you're seeing someone?" He asked.

"There are a lot of reasons," I explained. I hid my face against his shoulder. "I just… I don't really know how to deal with a lot of things that have happened. In Seattle I-"

"Bella, I won't let anything happen to you."

I shook my head. "It isn't… this has nothing to do with you protecting me. I need to learn how to deal with things. I just shut down when something happens. That isn't healthy or normal, Edward. You know that."

"Is it..." His hands squeezed mine. "Is it stuff from before? With us?"

God, I wanted to lie and tell him no. I didn't want to bring this up again, especially since I knew he would blame himself for all of it. He always did. But, avoidance wasn't the answer either, so I bit the bullet and slowly nodded. "Part of it," I said quietly. "But not all of it."

Edward's head started to drop before I stopped him.

"It isn't your fault that I ran away, Edward. It isn't your fault that I stayed away either. I didn't have to leave Seattle and come to Texas. I didn't have to hide behind a fake life to try and forget what happened. Those were choices I made, not you."

"Bella," he said softly. His fingers slowly ran across my cheek. "You're happy, aren't you? You're happy with me?"

I moved off of my chair, kneeling down on the floor in front of him. His haunted eyes watched me. "I've never been happier in my life than I am with you. You're my best friend."

Edward moved onto the floor with me. His arms wrapped around my sides, pulling me against him. I held on to his shoulders and left small kisses against his neck.

"Please tell me what's wrong, Bella. I want to know."

I reluctantly let go of him and the two of us sat on the floor. Edward listened as I tried to explain what I _felt _and what I _knew_ my problems were. I could feel his eyes on me, watching my face, but I was too embarrassed to meet his gaze. Instead, I stared at his legs and played with the frayed hole on the knee of his jeans. I let my fingers slide under the fabric and run over the skin on his knee as I told him about things that I had discussed with Dr. Afton. Edward remained quiet, letting me talk without interruptions, but offered silent support by holding on to my free hand or letting his fingers brush pieces of hair off of my face.

Nearly two hours later, I looked up at him and shook my head. "Then at the wedding I realized that this wasn't normal. I didn't even see what was happening until Emmett said something. I just don't know how to fix this by myself."

"You're not alone, Bella. You know that right?" Edward asked. I nodded and his fingers wrapped around mine. "I know that I've fucked up in the past but I want to help you if that's what you need. What you want."

"I know," I whispered.

Edward pulled me towards him and leaned back until we were lying on the floor. I curled my body around his, resting my head on his chest, and let the feeling of his fingers working through my hair relax me.

"I know it isn't easy," Edward's voice spoke softly.

I rolled onto my side and looked up at him. The arm that wasn't wrapped around my shoulders was folded underneath his head. His eyes were staring at the ceiling, lost in whatever memory he was reliving. It took a few seconds but Edward finally realized that I was waiting for him to finish his thoughts. He looked down at me, giving me a sad smile, and then focused his eyes back on the ceiling.

"Admitting that you need help isn't easy," he clarified. "Admitting that there is a problem and you have no idea how to fix it or control it isn't easy.

My arm tightened around his stomach and I closed my eyes in an attempt to make the images I was remembering disappear. It didn't help. I could still see him, still hear him, and still feel the crippling fear that had sat in my chest so many years ago.

"Calling you the night that Jane left was one of the hardest things I've ever done." Edward's voice was so quiet that I hardly heard him. "I knew that you had been right about all of it and I didn't want you to see me so… fucked up. I didn't want you to see what I had become."

"But that isn't who you really are," I whispered. "I knew that the person sitting on that floor wasn't you."

Edward rolled to his side, moving me onto my back so that I was looking up at him. His fingers lightly ran across my cheeks and then my lips. His eyes searched mine, making me feel exposed and nervous. I waited for him to say something but he just stayed there, leaning on his elbow, hovering over me and looking down at my face. It made me feel vulnerable, like he was looking for something that I wasn't really sure he would find. I closed my eyes against the intensity of his stare and held on to his shoulders.

"Please look at me."

I did what he wanted and tried to swallow around the knot that had formed in my throat. Edward's hand cupped the side of my neck while his thumb ran across my bottom lip and then my jaw.

"You're my best friend," Edward said softly.

I nodded slowly as his lips slowly brushed against mine. It wasn't sensual but there was a sort of reverence to the feel of his kiss that it made it feel more important than all of the others we had ever shared.

His forehead leaned against mine as his lower body settled against me. The weight of his hips on top of mine and his legs between my legs felt comforting. Like his body was anchoring me to this moment, reminding me to never forget it.

"Thank you for _seeing_ me." Edward's words fell against my lips in a small whisper.

It was ridiculous to think that I hadn't ever really seen Edward. In fact I was sure that I saw more of him than anyone else did. I knew his weakness and understood how they actually made him stronger. I saw everything that made him perfect and everything that made him flawed. I saw past the famous musician and tortured soul. I saw the weight he carried even though he tried to hide it. I recognized the uncertainty and fear that set in his eyes. I saw Edward in a lot of ways that other people never would. But the best part was that I was starting to realize that he saw me, too.

**XxXxXx**

I was in the middle of attempting to make dinner, attempting being the key word, for Edward when the damn intercom from downstairs rang. Mid-stir, I ran to the intercom to find out that Garrett was stopping by. I told security to let him up and ran back to the stove before something caught on fire or blew up.

"Bella?" Garrett yelled from the front door. His fist hit against the door, knocking loudly.

"Kitchen!" I called back. Ignoring the look on his face as he looked at the dozens of pots and pans that covered the stove and countertops, I continued to measure out the correct amount of flour.

He leaned his forearms against the bar and smiled. "Didn't we already learn that you cooking wasn't exactly a great idea?"

I rolled my eyes, continuing to ignore his smug grin. "Did you come by just to make fun of me or is there something you needed?"

Garrett reached over the bar and grabbed a couple of baby tomatoes before I slapped his hand with a spoon. He pretended to complain before plopping onto a barstool and pulling a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket.

"I thought you might be interested in this."

I watched as he unfolded it and laid it on the bar facing me. His hand smoothed the paper out and smiled. My eyes quickly scanned over it before looking back to him. "The Austin Independent Music Festival?"

Garrett nodded. "We want to enter the band."

"Yeah?" I smiled before going back to whatever this damn sauce was.

"Yup. We just have one small problem."

I stopped stirring and looked up at him. "And what's that? Jessica trying to beat out Sam for the drums?"

Garrett's smile had faded slightly. "We need your help."

The spoon I'd been holding fell into the pot and I immediately started shaking my head. "No. Do not even-"

"Bella, come on. Just one song and you don't even have to sing! We just need an extra guitar!" Garrett moved around the bar and into the kitchen to stand next to me. "You know I wouldn't ask unless we really needed you."

I shook my head and tried to fish the damn spoon out of the now lumpy sauce. "Garrett, you know I don't play in front of people."

"I know that but you've done it more than once and every time you did it was amazing. I also know that even if you don't want to admit it…when you walk off of that stage you love the adrenaline high that it gives you."

"Garrett…" I sighed and shook my head. "I can't do-"

"You can." He took the spoon out of my hand and threw it into the sink. "You know you can. You just refuse to even consider the fact that you might be better than what you think you are."

"Please don't."

Garrett sighed and crossed his arms across his chest before leaning back against the counter next to me. "What do you have to be scared of Bella? You've played with us before. You know all of the music."

I reluctantly turned to look at him. He smiled his goofy smile and I shook my head. "I can't decide anything about this right now. I need to talk to Edw-"

"Yeah," Garrett interrupted me. "Take some time to figure it out. Just don't write this off, Bella. Promise me you'll at least think about it."

I slowly nodded. "I'll think about it."

Garrett smiled before turning back to the stove and raising an eyebrow. "Well now that we've gotten that out of the way, what the hell are you going to do about all of this?"

The laughter that came bubbling out of my mouth surprised me. His smile widened and the two of us set out to try and fix the mess that I had made. Garrett made idle conversation while the two of us worked side by side.

I'd forgotten how easy it was with Garrett. How conversation between the two of us wasn't ever forced or awkward anymore. Since Edward had come to Austin I hadn't been spending as much time with my other friends and I knew that wasn't a good thing. I hadn't ever been the type of girl to drop her friends just because she got a boyfriend, but it seemed like that's who I was becoming. I didn't like it.

"I'm sorry that I haven't been coming around as much."

Garrett shrugged before tossing the dishtowel he'd been holding onto the counter. "We figured you've been busy."

I nodded and went back to the salad I was making. "I just… you know. We've had a lot going on. Moving and then Edward's brother's wedding… It was just a lot going on."

"You don't owe me an explanation, Bella. We all miss you but we get it. You've got… everything you wanted. We're happy for you."

He probably didn't mean to sound bitter but that didn't mean I didn't hear it. I frowned down into the bowl of lettuce.

"Don't." Garrett wrapped an arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "You have nothing to feel guilty about."

I nodded and leaned my head on his shoulder. "Thanks for helping with dinner."

"No problem. Just making sure that you don't get food poison-"

"I'm home baby!"

I jumped when Edward's voice yelled through the house and moved away from Garrett. I wasn't quick enough. Edward's eyes narrowed in on the man standing next to me and his mouth formed a hard line.

"Hey," I nervously smiled. "Did you have a good day?"

Edward's eyes flickered to me and then back to Garrett. "Yeah… yeah it was fine."

I practically ran around the bar to stand next to Edward and might have put a little too much enthusiasm in the hug that I gave him. His arm wrapped around my shoulder while his eyes stayed focused on Garrett. Why did I feel guilty? I wasn't doing anything wrong. It was perfectly fine for me to have my friends over here. It wasn't like we were sitting in a dark room making out. We were standing in a kitchen cooking. There was nothing wrong with that.

"Well," Garrett wiped his hands off and dropped the towel back on the counter. "I guess I should be getting back."

He moved around the bar but tapped the piece of paper before walking past the two of us. "Don't forget to think about it, Bella. See ya around." Garrett smiled as he walked past us while Edward's arm stayed wrapped around my shoulder until we heard the front door shut.

I slowly pulled away from Edward and moved back towards the kitchen. My voice was all squeaky and weird when I talked but I tried to ignore it.

"Well, I tried to make dinner, but I'm pretty sure that the only thing that will be edible is the salad. We might want to order something from the café. I can go pick it up if you want." I looked up from my rambling to see Edward watching me. I smiled and continued to pick up the mess I had made in the kitchen. "Did you get to hang out with Jasper?"

"Bella," Edward's voice was eerily calm. I looked up from the sink and saw him holding up the piece of paper that Garrett had left on the bar. "What the fuck is this?"

**AN: Maggie, Molly, Mel and Trin… love you. The Groupie is having a read along on June 20****th**** and is being hosted by AllyinPerth AKA ChampagneAnyone who writes The Guardian. Be sure to check it out!**


	28. War Out of Peace

**Still don't own Twilight. Or Kellan Lutz. Or Rupert Grint.**

"**Is it what you want****? ****Is it what you need****? ****We go back and forth****, ****making war out of peace****. ****And you won't let go****. ****And I won't give up****. ****We go round and round****but is it ever enough****? ****Is it ever enough?" War Out of Peace, Tristan Prettyman**

"What the fuck is this?"

I looked at the piece of paper and then back at Edward. "Information for the Austin Independen-"

"No," Edward interrupted. His hand slapped the piece of paper down onto the bar. "This is a contract, Bella. It's a fucking contract for the Austin Independent Music Festival that lists you as a member of the band and the song writer."

I quickly dried my hands and picked the paper up. When Garrett had first shown it to me, I hadn't read past the first sentence. Now that I actually read the whole thing, I quickly realized that this was signing up for a lot more than just playing with the band.

"I didn't…" Slowly, I shook my head. "I didn't read it through."

Edward sighed heavily before sitting down on one of the stools. "Please tell me you didn't sign anything."

"I'm not an idiot Edward." My voice was snarky. "Garrett just asked if I would play with them and-"

"You aren't really considering doing this, are you?" Edward's voice was incredulous.

"And what if I do?" He instantly started interrupting me again. My voice got louder to cut him off. "They are my friends, Edward. You don't see me saying you can't go hang out with Jasper."

"I can trust Jasper," he said through gritted teeth. "Garrett isn't-"

"Don't even go there." I shook my head. "We've been through this. Garrett hasn't done anything to you or to me and I really don't want to argue about this _again_. If I decide to play with them then-"

"And how do you plan on playing, Bella? What about the whole stage fright thing?"

My heart fell to the pit of my stomach as I stood there. I waited, hoping that Edward would apologize and give me some excuse that would explain why he was being so mean about things. It didn't happen. He sat there with his elbows leaning against the marble bar top and his eyes narrowed in my direction, but didn't say one word.

Edward and I had been in arguments since we had gotten together. Some were about stupid shit, like him drinking out of the milk carton or leaving the toilet seat up, while others were about more serious problems. Not once during any of those arguments had I ever felt spiteful. I would stay calm and be rational. But now… now I was just mad.

His eyes watched me as I reached for the drawer that held random shit like batteries and matches. When I pulled a pen out, he stood up. With deliberate sarcasm I clicked the pen and grabbed the paper that Garrett had left for me.

"Bella," Edward's voice was an angry warning.

I flipped to the last page and signed my name before throwing the pen back onto the counter top. I shuffled through the paper until it was all back in order and then neatly folded it into thirds.

"Even if this was just about you not trusting Garrett, you could at least be here for me. You could be supportive and understanding instead of bringing up my insecurities," I said with controlled anger.

"I didn't-" Edward shook his head. I ignored it.

He continued to try and explain what the hell he had meant while still not saying the one thing I needed and wanted him to say. But an apology shouldn't have to be requested, so I just side stepped him and grabbed my keys.

"Where are you going?"

"Out. I'll be back later." I shut the door leaving Edward and his damn jealously to enjoy each other's company.

xXxXxXx

I watched as Jasper's eyes read and then reread the contract that Garrett had given me. I might have been angry but that didn't mean I was stupid. If I did decide to play with the band, there is no way that I would jeopardize my work with Jasper. Song writing was pretty straight forward - what you wrote was yours - but we had just sold a few songs to a label based out of Nashville and I wasn't looking to get either one of us in trouble. So before I gave my final decision to anyone, I made sure that Jasper would be ok with me doing this.

"If you win then the band and the song would join TMG for a one album contract and would play Austin City Limits." Jasper muttered. "That isn't a big label, it's Texas based only, but still… it's something. If they play your song then it would belong to TMG, but that really wouldn't affect anything of ours."

He slid the paper back across the table towards me. I nodded and reread the front page.

"Are you going to do it?" Alice quietly asked. She had been silent through all of this, only reading over Jasper's shoulder and nodding in agreement when he said something.

I shrugged my shoulders and refolded the paper. "I don't know yet."

"What did Edw-"Alice stopped midsentence when Jasper's hand laid over hers. I was thankful that he was intuitive enough to know that this wasn't something I wanted to talk about. "I made a pie, Bella. Do you want a piece?"

Before I could tell her yes or no, she was out of her chair and walking into the kitchen. When her back disappeared I looked at Jasper. "I shouldn't have come by here tonight."

He shook his head. "She isn't mad. She just doesn't like the whole Edward/Bella fighting thing."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Me either."

"So, he doesn't want you to play with them?"

"More like he doesn't want me to play with Garrett." I sighed loudly. "Seriously Jasper, he is being completely unreasonable about this. I don't understand why he is so damn jealous."

Jasper, being Jasper, just leaned his head to side and stared at me. We both knew that I understood perfectly well why Edward was jealous. But, just because I knew why didn't mean it made sense.

"He got jealous about you dating Mike, even though you two were just friends at the time. Did you really think that would change anything once you got together?"

I drummed my fingers against their dining room table and slowly shook my head. "He has no reason to be jealous, Jasper. Garrett is a friend - just a friend."

"And you're Edward's best friend. You're his girlfriend and the two of you have a lot of history together, not all of which is good. So again, do you really think he wouldn't be overly protective or jealous?" Jasper leaned his elbows on the table. "I can see both side of this, Bella. I really can. But I also know that Garrett didn't always see you as 'just a friend'. As a man, I can guarantee you that Edward picks up on that shit too."

I groaned and let my head fall onto my table. "Boys are stupid."

Jasper laughed as he patted the top of my head.

After leaving Alice and Jasper's, I drove back across town to the little record store that sat on the corner of 24th street on the Austin drag. I had to park a few blocks away and walked through the crowds of people that were filtering through the clubs and bars that also filled the downtown area.

When I reached the store, I ignored the closed sign on the door and used my key to unlock the door. As expected, Garrett was sitting behind the counter. He was restringing a guitar and smiled when he saw that it was me.

"Couldn't stay away, eh?"

I locked the door behind me and ignored his question. "I need to talk to you about some stuff."

He nodded but kept working. "Shoot."

"The stuff you left for me at my house, about the festival, it was a contract." I leaned my elbows against the countertop.

"Yeah, for the band." Garrett nodded without looking up. I laid my hand across the strings, making him look up at me. "What?"

"That contract had my name typed on it," I said slowly. "You had that all typed up without even asking me if it was okay to use the song or if I even wanted to play with you guys."

I tried to watch Garrett's face for any sign of deceit but the only thing that I saw was genuine surprise. He shook his head quickly.

"Bella, I didn't… That isn't how I meant for this to look. Jessica and Sam, we just thought that it would be a good song choice for the band and I assumed that you wouldn't have a problem with it. We've been playing your songs for years."

"But what about my name listed under the members of the band? You know how insecure I am when I play in front of people. I just can't-"

Garrett's hand covered my mouth to make me stop talking. He leaned down, leaning against the counter until we were eye to eye. "I am so tired of hearing you say 'I can't'. How can you always sell yourself so short?"

"I don't-"

"Does Edward just let you do this? Does he think you can't do anything but play his fucking Group-"

"Don't!" I yelled while smacking his hand away from my face. "Do not call me that! You don't know a damn thing about my relationship with Edward!"

"Really?" Garrett stood up and crossed his arms across his chest. "He broke your heart, Bella. And we spent months trying to help you get better. I saw the fear and the fucking pain in your eyes that were from him. So don't stand there and tell me that I don't know. I do know, all of us know."

My jaw was clenched and my hands were fisted at my sides.

"You want to know why I didn't think twice about putting your name on that contract? It's because to me, to us, you are already a member of this band. We keep hoping that someday you'll remember how much fun it used to be. That you'll remember that you had friends here before you went to LA and came back Edward Cullen's girlfriend."

"I haven't forgotten you." I shook my head. "Garrett, you have no idea what… how hard all of this has been. How much I've had to adjust to. It isn't... You just wouldn't understand."

He nodded and went back to working on the guitar between us. "And you'll never understand how hard it is for us to see you get lost in his world again."

"I'm not lost."

Garrett slowly shook his head before looking at me. "Bella, if something happened, if Edward left or the two of you didn't work out, what then?"

"That won't hap-"

"Your whole life is wrapped up in him, in whatever the two of you have going on, and I get it. I've been there. But what's going to happen if all of this ends and you've alienated yourself from everyone but him again? Who the hell is going to be left to help you?"

He just didn't understand. Edward and I, we couldn't be with anyone else but each other. It was certain. It was fate. It was destiny. Garrett was my friend, and he was right, they had all helped me come back from a very, very dark place. But none of them knew Edward like I knew him. None of them knew me like Edward did.

They didn't understand the feeling of absolute peace that his presence gave me. They couldn't understand how my soul was tethered to his. They wouldn't understand that I was his and he was mine. We weren't made for anyone else. We were each other's and always would be. Forever.

"I love him," I said quietly. "It isn't like it was before."

Garrett shrugged his shoulders and slowly sank onto the stool behind the counter. We stayed there, staring at each other and letting the argument between us settle into a calm indifference.

Several minutes later, Garrett apologized. "I shouldn't have called you a groupie. I'm sorry."

I nodded. "It's ok."

"I just… I don't want to lose you, Bella." He slowly ran his hands over his thighs while looking at me. "None of us do. You were part of this family and now you're gone. We miss you."

"I miss you guys too. I really do." I walked around the counter and sat on the stool next to his. "I'll try to be better about coming by and hanging out. I really will."

Garrett nodded. "Jessica really misses you, you know. It isn't just me."

I laughed at his sarcastic defensive tone of voice and hit my shoulder against him. He smiled and the two of us fell into an easy conversation about the festival and the song that they had picked to play. I told him that I would have to think about playing with them but didn't have a problem with the band playing my song. We were in the middle of talking about changing a few verses when we were interrupted by a knocking on the front door.

Garrett jumped up and basically crawled over me to get to the other side of the counter. I curiously watched as he unlocked the door. A very loud and very girlish laughter filled the store and I watched as Garrett led a tiny, smaller than Alice, sized girl towards me.

Her black hair was very straight and long. She had a large portion of it piled onto the top of her head with what looked like a million hairpins. She was nearly orange from her fake tanning sessions and her eyeliner was thick and curled out at the edge like Cleopatra. Her stiletto heels were covered in sparkling rhinestones and they made a _clink, clink _sound that matched the gum she was popping in her mouth.

"Bella, this is Gianna."

She stuck her hand out towards me. She had long nails done in a French manicure and her wrist was covered in chunky plastic bracelets that clanked together with the slightest movement. "Everyone calls me GiGi!"

I smiled but had to fight the urge to laugh and the ridiculousness of this girl. I wasn't really sure what Garrett's normal type would have been, but I definitely didn't see GiGi filing the slot. "Everyone calls me Bella. It's nice to meet you."

She gave me a quick smile before twirling around and looking up at Garrett. "Are we ready to go Garr-Bear?"

I felt my eyebrows rise up on my forehead while Garrett blushed. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. He muttered something about locking up the office and kissed the top of her head before walking towards the back of the store.

"Well," I said, sliding off of the stool. "Have fun tonight."

Garrett was twirling his keys around the tip of his finger as he walked back towards us. "You don't wanna come out for a drink?"

GiGi looked like she was not very pleased with that idea. I shook my head and gave him a quick hug. "I've got to get back home. I'll let you know what I decide about the festival."

I left the two of them standing there and made my way out of the store. As I was unlocking the front door I overheard GiGi whispering.

"She looks a lot like that girl that all the magazines say Edward Cullen is dating."

My heart froze as my hand twisted the doorknob.

"Different Bella," Garrett lied. "Come on, let's go."

The bells on the door jingled behind me as I walked out of the store and made my way back to my car.

xXxXxXx

The house was dark when I got home. My hands felt along the wall until I found the light switch and once I had turned them on, I turned around. The sight of Edward sitting on the couch just watching me, made me scream and jump back against the door. My hand flew to my chest and I shook my head.

"Jesus, Edward! You scared me!" I closed my eyes. "Why are you just sitting in here in the dark?"

He continued to sit there and watch me. "I was waiting for you to come back."

I threw my keys on the table and tried to regain a sense of normal breathing.

"Jasper said you left their house over three hours ago," he said quietly. "Where did you go?"

I tried really hard to not get annoyed by the fact that he had called around to check up on me. I took a deep breath and sat in the chair across from him. "You didn't have to call Jasper. You could have just called my cell phone."

"I tried to, you left it here." Edward held my phone up. "Where did you go, Bella?"

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. "I went to go talk to Garrett, Edward."

He was quiet, much too quiet, and it made me nervous. He was nodding his head while staring at the coffee table between us. His jaw was rigid and set and his nostrils flared. I stood up and moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of him.

"I really don't want to fight with you," I leaned forward and rested my hands on his knees. "Please, Edward."

He swallowed but raised his eyes to meet mine. "You left to go be with him."

"No." I shook my head. "I left because you hurt my feelings and because I didn't want to stand here all night and fight with you. Jasper and I talked about some stuff and I needed to go straighten some things out with Garrett."

"What things?"

My patience was wearing thin with this entire thing. I took another deep breath and squeezed Edward's thighs. "I wanted to know why he put my name on that contract without talking to me about it first."

Edward nodded and covered my hands with his. "I don't want him to take advantage of you, Bella. I don't… like him."

I pushed away from the coffee table and sat straddled across Edward's lap. His hands sat on my thighs as I pushed him back against the couch. I sat on my heels and shook my head. "Edward, you know I wouldn't ever hurt you."

"I'm not worried about you hurting me."

"You worry about Garrett having feelings for me." I held on to his forearms.

Edward's eyes got darker and his jaw became set again. "Rosalie told me that he kissed you the night before you came to LA."

"He did," I nodded. "But I didn't kiss him back."

Edward's hands moved up my thighs to my hips. "He thinks of you as more than a friend, Bella. It's obvious to everyone and I don't like it."

He was so jealous but had absolutely no reason to be. Did he not see that there was no comparison between Garrett and him? I wanted to laugh but I knew that it wouldn't help the situation. "Millions of females around the world have a thing for you. Most of them wouldn't think twice about ripping your clothes off and doing whatever you asked them to do."

He rolled his eyes but I kept going.

"There are women out there who have sex with their boyfriends and husbands but pretend it's you. They have posters of you on their wall and pictures of you saved on their computers. I am one woman competing against millions of screaming fans."

"It isn't competing if there isn't anything for them to win, Bella. You know that I don't feel a damn thing for any of them."

"Exactly!" I said loudly. "I have absolutely no feelings for Garrett! There is no reason for you to be jealous of him!"

Edward shook his head and looked at me. "If I hadn't been such a jackass to begin with then you wouldn't have ever needed him as much as you did. I would have been here and I would have been the one to teach you to play the guitar and how to write music. I would have been the one, Bella."

"You are the one. There hasn't ever been anyone but you, ever."

He raised an eyebrow and leaned his head to the side. "Tommy Fletcher."

I shook my head. "You didn't even know him! That was way before I ever met you."

"Mike Newton."

"I didn't ever love Mike and you know that."

He sighed before giving me a small smile. "Thank God."

I appreciated the fact that this had toned down the seriousness of our argument but I needed to make sure that he understood me. "No one else loves me like you do, Edward. Garrett helped me, and I will always be appreciative of that, but he doesn't know me like you do."

His head leaned back against the couch and he watched me. "How do I know you, Bella?"

Slowly, I leaned forward and kissed him gently. "You know what my mouth tastes like."

Edward smiled and nodded. "And?"

I leaned back and slipped my flip flops off of my feet. "You know that I have a birthmark on the bottom of my right foot and another one on the inside of my big toe."

He laughed. "And?"

Smiling, I pulled my shirt over my head and let it fall on the floor. His hand traveled up my sides, my stomach, in between my breasts and over my shoulders. Edward's fingers ran down my arms until my fingers were threaded between his. "You know exactly how my skin will react under your hands."

"Mmm." He nodded and pulled me forward.

His lips, fingers, and hands caressed and touched my body. They removed clothes and ran through the hair that sat against my back. I reminded Edward of all of the things that he knew about me that Garrett didn't.

Garrett didn't know what my sighing and moaning meant. He didn't know what it felt like to have my legs wrapped around him and my bare chest pressed up against his. Garrett wouldn't ever know what his name would sound like rolling off of my tongue in a wanting plea. His shoulders wouldn't ever know the feeling of my fingers digging into them. His hair wouldn't ever be between my fingers while I begged for more. Garrett wouldn't ever know what it felt like to be welcomed into my body with loving and devoted whispers.

With couch cushions and clothes scattered around us, I watched as Edward's body moved over mine. I watched his eyes darken as his movements became faster. My hand slid down his shoulder to his chest. I held it there, feeling his heart beating against my palm.

I whispered, "It's just you, Edward."

His forehead leaned against mine and I took everything he would give me. I let his hands mould me. I let his lips mark me. I laid there under the only man who had ever owned my heart and surrendered myself to him. It wasn't to make up for the argument that we had had. It wasn't to prove to him that he did. in fact, own me. I surrendered to Edward entirely, because even though millions of people around the world knew his name, he only cared what it sounded like coming from my mouth.

He fell asleep on that couch, legs tangled together with mine and our naked bodies covered by the thick blanket that had been folded next to the couch. I listened to Edward's deep breathing, trying to match mine to his and calm the thoughts that were running through my mind. It didn't work and I stayed awake, thinking of our past and the future.

Both of us were plagued with insecurities. I was scared of not ever being able to be "normal" for Edward. I was scared of losing him and losing myself again. I was so scared of people seeing me, seeing who I was, and telling me I wasn't good enough. It didn't take long for me to realize that Edward's insecurities weren't that much different than mine. He wanted us to have a normal relationship that wasn't haunted with mistakes from the past or torn apart by the fame he had earned. Edward was scared to lose me, lose the only sense of security that he had been able to find in his crazy world. And he was terrified that people would see him, see his past, his mistakes, and judge him for it. We were both drowning in our insecurities even though we were both fighting like hell to stay above the surface.

I had gotten mad at Edward tonight for being insensitive about my fears, my insecurities. What I didn't realize was that by me blowing off his jealousy issues with Garrett, I was doing the same thing. Even if I knew that he had no reason to be jealous, he didn't see it that way. Just because he thought that I didn't suck as a musician didn't mean that I could get over my stage fright.

Dr. Afton had given me a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." She had written it on a note card and told me to put it somewhere that I would see it every day so it would remind me that without taking chances I was stagnant. If I was stagnant then there would be no conquering my fears. It was still sitting at the bottom of my purse along with the contract for the music festival.

I stared at our ceiling, watching as the shadows moved from one side to the other until the early morning sunlight fell through our windows. I had resolved a plan in my mind and as I watched the purple and blues become oranges and pinks I prayed for the strength to follow through with it.

Our living room was completely covered in the morning light by the time Edward started moving. His lips kissed over my collarbone and neck until his lips reached my chin. I smiled when he looked up at me.

"Mmm," he sighed. "That's something else I know about you."

"What?" I asked.

"I can always tell when you have a secret." He slowly sat up. "It sits right there in the corner of your mouth and makes your lips twitch."

My eyes looked down at the blanket that covered my body. "You aren't going to like it."

"Nope," he shook his head. "I knew I wouldn't be happy about it last night."

He leaned back against the couch, moving my legs to where they sat in his lap.

"I have to do it, Edward. I want to do it."

"Why with him? If you want to play in the festival that bad then join with Jasper. Hell, sing with Jessica. You don't have to do this with _him_, Bella." Edward's hands ran over his face and into his hair, where they stayed. "It isn't just the damn jealousy. It isn't some territorial thing where I don't want you playing music with some other guy. I. Do. Not. Like. Him. Period."

When I didn't say anything, he looked at me.

"Edward, I want to do this. You can come to all of our practices; you can tell me that I can't be alone with him. Just please don't ask me to not do this because I stayed up the entire night convincing myself that I could."

He sighed heavily before shutting his eyes. "Promise me that you will be careful."

"I promise I will be careful."

Edward's eyes opened and he shook his head. "If he pulls anything, I'm going to kick his ass. I mean it." I smiled before crawling into his lap. His arms wrapped around me as I kissed his neck. "I'm not kidding," he mumbled against the top of my head.

**AN: These kids are stupid. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. I'm allowed to say that because I'm the author. We got a lot of new readers from the read along, so welcome! All the usual suspects, thank you. **


	29. No Ones Gonna Love You

"**If things start splitting at the seams and now it's tumbling down, hard. No one is ever gonna love you more than I do." No One's Gonna Love You, Band of Horses**

"Isabella Marie Swan!" I glared at Edward but he just shook his head. "Put your damn hands back in that bowl."

Huffing, I did what he said and put my fingers back into a bowl of crushed ice. "If you're going to make me sit here and ice my fingertips, _again_, then will you please pull up Rosalie's baby registry so we can get her a gift?"

"I would love to." Edward smirked before kissing the top of my head and sitting next to me on the couch. "First let me see your hands."

"You just told me to put them back in the ice."

"Always the smartass." He shook his head and carefully pulled one of my hands out of the bowl. "Do they still hurt?"

"No." I watched as he examined my fingertips. "They'll be fine. I've just been playing a lot more than usual."

"Mmm," Edward muttered. "Rehearsals every other day for two weeks is a little excessive in my opinion, especially for just one song."

He wasn't a fan of the band practice sessions that Garrett was insisting on. To be honest, neither was I, but I also didn't want to make a complete ass of myself at the festival. I had been working relentlessly on getting my part of the song perfect. Aside from practicing with the band, I had also been working on it at home. Edward had been so patient, sitting and helping me work past the parts of the song I was having problems with. There was no way I would have been able to do this without his continuous support. I ignored his grumblings and kissed the side of his head.

He smiled before looking back up at me. "Five more minutes and then you can take them out."

While my fingers stayed in the bowl, Edward pulled up Rosalie and Emmett's baby registry online. I laughed as he scrolled through the items, asking what the hell they were going to do with all of the shit they had put on there.

"You have to have a lot of stuff for babies," I said, looking over his shoulder at the screen. Everything was pale greens and yellows. There wasn't pink or blue to give anything away. "It annoys me off that they won't tell us what they're having."

"A boy," Edward said quietly before going to the next page.

"Did Emmett tell you that?"

He shook his head while reading the description of whatever he was looking at. "No, I just know."

"How do you know?"

Instead of an answer I got a look of confusion. "What the hell do you do with a breast pump?"

I couldn't help but snort at his tone of voice. I sat the bowl of ice on the coffee table and took the laptop from him. "It's for breast feeding."

"Definitely not buying that." He sighed dramatically. "Just pick the most expensive thing and buy it."

"Edward!" I laughed and shook my head. "This is for your niece or nephew. We aren't just picking something random and buying it."

"Well then you just pick something from you. I've already gotten something from me." He grabbed the remote control off of the table and turned the TV on.

Surprised, I turned to look at him. "You did?"

He nodded and started flipping through the channels. "I'm having a miniature Taylor guitar made."

And _that_ was just one of many reasons why I loved Edward Cullen.

xXxXxXx

I held my breath and watched as Edward played the final notes of the song that we had written together. Today was the first time that we had really put all of the pieces together and played them as a whole. The result was… indescribable. It didn't matter that no one else would ever hear it; if anything it made it even better.

"Well?"

He didn't have to ask. My smile said everything that I couldn't. "It's perfect."

Edward took the guitar out of my hands, and after carefully setting it on the stand, leaned over my chair and kissed me. "So you wanna record it?"

I pulled on the front of his shirt to bring him back to my lips. He smiled when I nodded my head, but was cut off from saying anything by my mouth pressed against his.

It was a shame that I had an appointment with Dr. Afton because I really could have enjoyed another private recording session with Edward. But I was cutting it close to time already. So I reluctantly pushed him back, promising to continue all of this later. It took another fifteen minutes to actually get out of the front door thanks to Edward following behind me. Once I got in my car, I could still taste his tongue on my lips and feel his hands on my back. I smiled like an idiot the whole way to her office.

"You look like you're doing much better." Dr. Afton's smiled before opening her notebook and clicking her pen. "How are things going?"

It took a considerable amount of restraint to not break out into song and jump around her office in giddy hysterics; that's how great things had been lately. So instead of going all Tom Cruise via Oprah show on her, I smiled politely and nodded my head. "Things are really good."

Something had changed in my relationship with Edward since the night we had argued about the music festival. In the beginning I wasn't sure if the extra attention that Edward was giving me was because of the whole Garrett-jealousy thing, but blew it off. All of the affection and undivided attention was because we were both in that "happy and in love" place. We worked on our song together, laughed at the stupidest things, and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It felt like we had reached a point where our friendship and relationship had blended together to make this ridiculously happy atmosphere. It was damn near perfect.

After an hour of get-Bella-better therapy I drove the forty miles to my parent's house. My dad waved from the garage as I pulled into the drive way, which surprised me. I was just stopping by to pick up a box that I had accidently left when I'd moved. I wasn't expecting anyone to be at home, and it was a nice surprise.

"Are you playing hooky from work?" I asked when I got out of the car.

My dad shook his head and laughed. "I'm entitled to a day off."

I smiled when his arms enveloped me in a hug. He smelled like he always did; Old Spice mixed with a woodsy scent. It reminded me of being a little girl and going fishing with him.

"You in a hurry to get back?" He asked, patting my back. "Or do you have some time to spend with an old man?"

"No, I can stay." I shook my head. "What did you have planned?"

I followed him back into the garage and watched as he worked on some project that my mother had given him. I was pretty sure that it was new yard furniture that he was putting together, but so far it was just a heap of metal sorted into piles.

"How's Edward?"

I smiled and handed my father the screw driver he had asked for. "He's good. I think he's started to work on some new music for the next album."

My dad nodded. "And how are you?"

"I'm good too, Dad."

He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. "How are you really?"

I hated the sadness that dulled his eyes when he asked me that and wished that I wouldn't have ever told them about me going to therapy. Both of my parents worried too much.

"I'm really okay. Better than okay, actually," I slid off of the stool I'd been sitting on and grabbed the instructions that were just thrown into a box and ignored. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Well see, that's how this whole parenting thing works." He ignored my eyes rolling. "I'm serious, Bella."

"I'm serious too. I'm really… better. Things are better," I reassured him.

My dad nodded while wiping his hands on a rag that he'd pulled out of his back pocket. His hands knotted the fabric together while he looked back at me. I smiled, hoping it would help. All it did was make him pull the instruction booklet out of my hands.

"Your mother and I worry about you. We don't…" His voice trailed off.

I sat back down. "What?"

"You love Edward."

I nodded even though it wasn't a question. "Yeah, I do."

"I don't doubt what the two of you feel for each other. And your mother and I both like him, Bella. So don't think that's what this is about."

"Okay," I said slowly.

"When this relationship of yours… when it goes to the next level, how are you going to handle that? Being married isn't easy, Bella. Being married to someone famous certainly won't help things. We just want to make sure that both of you understand that."

I crossed my arms across my chest and shook my head. "What are you saying, Dad? You don't want me to marry Edward if he ever asks me?"

He groaned and leaned back against his work bench. "That's not what I'm saying at all. We just… Bella you don't realize how much you depend on someone when you're married to them. Are both of you going to be strong enough to support each other? Are you going to be able to stand by him and hold him together even when your problems are on the front page of every magazine, every newspaper?"

I watched as he threw the rag he'd been holding onto the bench and moved closer to me.

"Number one, I don't want you to get hurt. That is my main concern. But I also don't want your relationship with Edward to be strained, or God forbid even damaged, because of something neither one of you have control over. If you tell me you're better, then I'll believe you. We aren't trying to tell you what to do or how to live. We just want you to be happy."

"Being with Edward makes me happy."

My father nodded before giving me a small smile. "Then that's all that matters."

xXxXxXx

"Here let me help you."

I shook my head and ignored Edward's outstretched arms that were trying to grab the box out of my hands. "I've got it."

"Uh huh," he laughed. "You're about to fall over. Give me the box."

Reluctantly, and with shaking arms, I handed over the box of books that I'd gotten from my parent's house. With little effort Edward carried the box into the office and sat it on the desk.

"More books? Really?"

I couldn't help but smile at his incredulous look even though I wasn't really feeling that playful. The discussion with my dad had put my mind in a resentful place even though I knew he hadn't meant to upset me. It was a valid concern.

I told myself I was better. I acted like I was better. But was I really? Sure I had signed up to play in the music festival and yeah I hadn't really freaked out about anything lately, but did that mean that I was past all of my social-phobia bullshit? Since we'd gotten back from Seattle I hadn't really put anything to the test, per say. I hadn't been chased by photographers or shoved against the wall by crazy fans. So how did I know? The answer was that I didn't. I didn't know if I was better and wouldn't know until I faced a situation that had triggered the damn panic attacks to begin with.

"I want to go out tonight," I randomly blurted out.

Edward stopped and turned around to look at me. "What?"

"I want to go out. You know, dinner, going down to Sixth Street and listening to music or something. I want us to go out."

He dropped the book he had in his hand onto the desk and smiled. "It's a Friday night."

"I know. We could go to that club, the one that the uh… you know the…" I snapped my fingers trying to figure out what the hell I was trying to say. "The club that that guy owns. The guy you met when they built the recording studio in the house."

"Liam?" Edward asked with a laugh.

"Yeah, the Irish guy." I nodded. "We could go out and just… leave the house. If you don't want to go down there then maybe we could see a movie or something. Whatever you want to do."

"And you're sure about this? You know that it will probably be packed with people."

"I would really, really, like for us to go do something. I think it would be fun." I smiled and hoped that he wouldn't see this as some sort of exercise to see if I'd been cured. Edward leaned back against the desk and watched me. I smiled wider and shrugged my shoulders.

He pushed away from the desk and walked towards me. "Like a date."

I ran my hands up his arms as they reached around my back and nodded my head. "A real date."

"We've never had an actual date." Edward leaned his forehead against mine and smiled. "Sure you wanna do this?"

"I'm sure," I whispered against his lips.

xXxXxXx

Considering that I had known Edward for most of my adult life and that he had seen me naked, I really shouldn't have been so concerned about what I was going to wear on this date. Four pairs of jeans and close to twenty tops later, I was finally in something that didn't make me hate my reflection in the mirror. Unfortunately our bed was covering in discarded clothes that would probably be shoved to the floor when we got home.

Edward, as always, looked so damn hot that I had to fight to keep my hands to myself during dinner. The smirk that sat on his face told me that he knew just how enticing I thought he was. Smug much?

Liam O'Brian was a big supporter of Austin's independent music scene. He promoted local bands and was one of the organizers for the Austin City Limits music festival. Edward had hired his company to build the recording studio in our house and then two of them had hit off. He seemed like a decent guy and, like so many other people in Austin, was a complete hippie.

After leaving the car with the valet, Edward and I were taken through the back entrance of the club and into the private lounge that sat like a balcony above the open floor and stage. There were artfully distressed leather couches that matched the rest of the eclectic atmosphere but it was the open bar at the back of the room that made me nervous. I hadn't even considered the fact that there would be alcohol and worried that it would make Edward uncomfortable. When Liam asked if we wanted anything to drink, my stomach fluttered but I was worried for nothing.

"I'll just have water," Edward answered, seemingly at ease. "You want something, Bella?"

I smiled. "Just water."

Liam left us to go get our drinks and a few of the other people in the lounge came up to introduce themselves. It was easily noticeable that everyone up here was used to being around "celebrities" because they acted as if Edward wasn't some famous musician. Instead he was just some guy that really enjoyed music. It made me happy that he seemed to be relaxed and enjoying himself.

When the opening band started playing, we moved to the railing of balcony and watched. They did a lot of covers from the eighties, which the crowd loved, and resulted in me singing along and making a full of myself while Edward just smiled and watched me. I didn't care. Some songs were meant to be sung along to. End of story.

"Having fun?" Edward's lips whispered against my ear.

I nodded and he moved behind me, leaning his hands on the railing and trapping me between his arms. He quietly started singing along with the music leaving his lips close to my ear. I leaned back against him and laughed when he got the lyrics completely wrong.

"You wanna know something?" He asked.

"Hmm?"

Edward's hands left the railing when his arms wrapped around me. "This is the best 'first date' I've ever been on."

I turned around in his arms and leaned my head against his chest. "Do _you_ wanna to know something?"

His lips were against the top of my head. "What?"

"I normally don't put out on the first date, but I'm pretty sure I can make an exception for you."

Edward's laugh was loud and slightly inappropriate but I didn't care. I smiled against his chest and tightened my arms around his waist. It was nice to feel normal again.

xXxXxXx

"Garrett is really starting to piss me the fuck off."

I shook my head and tried not to laugh at Jessica's tone of voice. She shoved the clothes she was looking at to the side before sighing.

"I don't know how you put up with his ass, Bella. He is so damn controlling."

Handing her the size she was looking for made Jessica stop and actually look back at me.

"He just wants us to be ready for the festival. Everything will go back to normal when it's over. You'll see." I tried to sound positive.

Jessica held the shirt up against her and looked in the mirror. "I doubt it. He's always been a tyrant and so damn pushy, literally!"

She pointed to her leg and I frowned. "What?" I asked.

"Garrett is the reason I fell down the stairs," she rolled her eyes. "He was rushing me to move faster and get in the car so we could get to the club early. His pushing was what made me fall. He was breathing down my neck and following behind me. Like I said, he is an asshole!"

My cell phone interrupted the question I was going to ask. I smiled when I saw Alice's number on the screen.

"Hey," I answered. I didn't get a friendly greeting in return.

"Do you know where Edward is?"

"He said he had some stuff to do today but I'm not sure what it was," I explained. "Why?"

"Just wondering. I'll keep trying his cell. Bye Bella."

Alice hung up and I shook my head. Jessica kept complaining about Garrett as we moved to yet another store. An hour later my phone rang again.

"Hey, where are you?" Alice's voice was forcefully cheerful.

I stopped walking. "I'm shopping with Jessica, Alice. Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing. Everything's fine I was just checking to see what you were doing," she lied. "I'll see ya later."

She hung up before I could say anything else but I knew there was a lot more going on then what she was telling me.

"Do you mind if I head back home? Alice needs my help."

Jessica shook her head and kept flipping through clothes. "I'll see you tonight at practice."

I gave her a quick hug before making my way back into the maze they called a parking garage and found my car. The entire drive back to the house I tried to call Edward, Alice and Jasper. None of them answered. By the time I pulled into my parking space I was an absolute wreck and worried out of my mind.

My hands shook and my legs felt like rubber as I walked to the elevator. I silently prayed that nothing seriously bad had happened as it took me up to our floor. I dropped my keys twice before I was able to get the front door opened.

I didn't even finish shutting the door behind me I heard the yelling. I'd only managed a few steps forward when Alice came into the living room, slowly moving towards me. Her face was red and streaked with tears. I froze, completely paralyzed by panic.

"What-"

She shook her head and held onto my hands. "You need to leave."

I pushed her hands away from me. "Why? What's going on? Where's Edward?"

"Bella," Alice tried again to hold on to me. "He will be fine, okay? You just… you don't want to see him like this. Go to your parents and-"

I opened my mouth to argue with her but stopped when a loud crashing sound made both of us jump. It didn't stop there. There wasn't just one crash but a series of crashes that began to scare me more than the sound of Jasper's voice yelling for someone to stop.

Pushing Alice out of my way, I ran down the hallway towards the sound of splintering wood, dull piano keys and more screaming. I stopped at the door to the office and covered my mouth to keep from crying out.

A guitar flew into the Plexiglas window that separated the office from the studio. I yelled from shock and fear when the instrument shattered. Again, Alice tried to grab on to me but I pushed her off. I walked to the door and slowly opened it.

My heart froze in my chest when I saw Jasper standing in front of Edward with his hands held up like he was surrendering. Edward kept screaming and grabbed the closest thing to him. I opened my mouth to beg him to stop but I wasn't quick enough. My plea was muffled by the sound of _my_ guitar begin thrown against the wall. Surprisingly, both Jasper and Edward heard it over the smashing sound.

Jasper moved so that he was standing in front of me while trying to push me out of the room. I ignored him and watched as Edward's eyes followed my movements.

"Edward." I pushed on Jasper's arm to try and get him to move. "Edward, what… are you okay? What…"

He slowly shook his head and fell into a heap on the floor, next to an overturned keyboard, several shattered guitars and the remains of a glass top table. Immediately I tried to go to him.

"Bella, come on," Jasper held on to my arm. "Just let him calm down. I don't want you to get hurt."

The sound of Edward sobbing cemented the fact that I wasn't leaving. I twisted my arm out of Jasper's grip and quickly stepped around him. Slowly, I lowered myself onto the floor next to Edward. I tentatively reached out and let my hand hold on to his arm. When he didn't push me away, I moved closer.

His shaking arms wrapped around my sides while his head fell into my lap. He kept crying and mumbling apologies that I didn't really understand. I looked over my shoulder at Jasper and Alice, both of which looked just as upset as Edward was.

I gently threaded my fingers through his hair. "Please tell me what's going on. Whatever it is… please just tell me."

"Its over," Edward said quietly. "It's all over."

His explanation didn't clarify anything. Once again, I looked back at our friends for understanding.

Alice quickly wiped the tears on her cheeks away and moved forward. Jasper followed her. Alice sat on her knees next to Edward and slowly rubbed his back. When she finally looked up at me, new tears were gliding down her face.

"They know," she said quietly. "Everyone knows what happened."

**A/N: Hmm. Fear not, the next chapter is nearly complete. Thanks again for your patience with my slow updating.**


	30. Look at Me

**Still don't own Twilight.**

"**Look at me. Look into my eyes. Tell me, do you see that I am always by your side? Or has the world got you down on your knees? Come to me. Look at you. Look into your heart. Tell me is there room for you to make a brand new start? Or has the world gotten to you and made you dark?" Look At Me, Keri Noble**

I should have known. It should have been obvious. There were very few things that could have broken Edward and left him a mess of bleeding hands and crying eyes. His past, his mistakes, his failures, being displayed for everyone to read and talk about, it broke him.

For this place to have been such a nightmare a few minutes ago it was eerily quiet now. The noise of wood and glass crunching under Jasper's shoes and Alice's sniffling were really the only sounds. Edward's face was buried in my lap, his arms still holding on to me, but he wasn't talking.

Alice sighed before wiping her face off again and letting Jasper help her up. "We need to-"

I shook my head and she stopped. I had hundreds, thousands, of questions for all of them. But right now I needed to focus on man holding on to me. There would be a massive amount of discussion that would go in to how Edward would deal with this but it didn't have to start right now. Alice nodded in understanding.

Leaning down, I kissed Edward's head. His face moved against my leg but still didn't say anything. "We need to move off the-"

His arms tightened around me.

"Edward," I whispered. "I'll come with you, okay? Just… were sitting on broken glass and you're bleeding. Just come with me to the bathroom, okay?"

It took a few minutes but he eventually agreed. Jasper helped him up off the floor and I walked with him to the bathroom in our bedroom. As I shut the door I heard Alice saying she was going to get a broom. I sighed before turning around, and what I saw killed me.

Edward, my perfectly imperfect Edward, was standing in the middle of the room looking so humiliated and ashamed. I hated it. I hated this situation and whoever had caused it. But my anger wouldn't help anything, so I focused on taking care of him.

"Your hands," I said quietly.

He looked down at them and then back at me. "I didn't mean… I…"

I shook my head when he couldn't finish the sentence and gently kissed his cheek. "I can take care of them."

Edward nodded.

"Do you want to shower? It might make you feel better."

Again, he nodded and shuffled into the bathroom. When I heard the water start, I went into the closet and got him clean clothes to change into. I was sitting them on the bed when I saw Edward out of the corner of my eye. He was in the shower, letting the water fall down his body, fully dressed. I swallowed back the sob that was crawling up my throat.

He looked up at me when I opened the shower door and didn't say anything when I got inside with him, also fully dressed. He moved to the side so that I would have room but I held on to his arm and shook my head.

Edward's eyes watched me as I slowly unbuttoned the shirt he was wearing. The heavy, wet fabric made a slapping sound when I pushed it off of his shoulders and let it fall to the tile floor. His jeans were much harder to get off but thankfully he helped by stepping out of them.

With slow and careful movements I held his hands under the water and washed away the dried blood that was caked around his knuckles. He didn't wince or show any other sign of emotion, just stood there and watched me.

"I punched the wall," he admitted when I'd finished.

I nodded my head. "Do you think they're broken?"

Instead of answering he just opened and closed his hand to show me they weren't. The two of us were silent while I finished helping him wash. He got out as I turned off the water and held a towel out for me to take. I shook my head.

"You dry off," I told him. He frowned but wrapped the towel around his waist and went into the bedroom.

I struggled to get my own wet clothes off but finally threw them onto the pile with Edward's. After drying myself off and grabbing the first aid kit, I followed Edward's steps and joined him in our bedroom.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at nothing and remaining silent. I tightened the towel around me and sat down next to him. I put the box of medical supplies on the bed and opened it.

"You don't have to say anything," I said quietly. "But I need to make sure you're okay, Edward. You have cuts all over your arms and face and I know your hands have to hurt."

Again he made a fist and stretched his fingers out. "I'm okay."

I nodded and unscrewed the small bottle of Neosporin. He didn't stop me from taking his hand and putting it in my lap. I gently applied the ointment to his knuckles.

Several Band-Aids and two Advil later, we were both redressed and lying in bed together. My hands were in his hair while my lips were pressed against his forehead. Edward's arms were tightened around my sides, holding me against him.

"I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Edward."

"You shouldn't…" He shook his head. "I didn't want you to have to deal with this, Bella. I don't want to make any of this harder for you than it already is and-"

"Stop," I cut him off. "Like I said, _you_ didn't do anything. You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you and I am going to help you, no matter what."

We were quiet for several minutes.

"I'm scared that you're going to wake up one day and decide that I'm not worth all of this," Edward said quietly. "That one day I'll wake up and be alone…again."

I shook my head. "I'm not running away again, Edward. And you are worth it. You're worth all of it."

He didn't agree, I could tell by the look on his face. But he nodded and pulled me closer to him. He tucked my head under his chin and sighed. I closed my eyes and wished that Edward didn't try so damn hard to be perfect for everyone, especially me.

"Everyone makes mistakes, Edward. The fact that you learned from yours, that you moved forward, that says a lot about your character. Don't focus on what you did but how you overcame it."

"It isn't just that, Bella. Drugged out musicians are a dime a dozen. Rehab isn't shocking. It's the fact that you, my parents, my brother, our friends… all of you are tainted by my mistakes now. My parent's friends will know that their son's a coke head."

I sat up and looked down at him. "_Was_, Edward, you don't do that anymore."

"It's humiliating. Just because I went to rehab and joined _NA_ and got a sponsor… that doesn't change the facts. I'm a fucking statistic now and disappointment to my family. What a fucking legacy, right?"

"Edward-"

He interrupted me. "What about kids that I might have someday? What the fuck am I supposed to say when they come home and ask me if it's true that I was a drug addict? That's a really great conversation to have with your kids."

"Your mother was a drug addict, Edward. Did you think less of her when you found out? Did it make you love her less?"

He looked up at me, his eyes clouded and dull, and slowly shook his head.

"Exactly. People make mistakes, Edward. No one is perfect. And I would be prouder of the fact that you did screw up, that you did make wrong choices, and learned from them. _You_ made the decision to get better. _You_ made the choice to move forward. I'm proud of you for that and you should be too."

I leaned down and kissed his face gently.

"You aren't a disappointment to me or to anyone else, okay?"

Instead of answering me, Edward's eyes closed and he pulled me back to the bed next to him. I went willingly and didn't push the issue anymore. Arguing wouldn't help anything right now.

xXxXxXx

Hate didn't even begin to describe the feelings I had towards Jane-fucking-Bryant. If I could legally get away will murdering her, I probably would.

Alice kept reminding me that we didn't have proof that Jane was the one that shared the details of Edward's addiction and stint in rehab. We couldn't prove that she was the one that gave incriminating photographs to various media outlets. They couldn't prove it but I fucking _knew_ it. This had her name written all over it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she was the one behind all of the creepy ass shit that had been going on lately. But again, I didn't have proof.

As far I had known Jane didn't know where we lived. But how do I know she didn't find out after my stupid performance was put on YouTube? That she didn't put two and two together? The article on TMZ specifically alluded to the fact that Edward was moving to Austin and Jane knew my last name, knew where my parents were from… how hard would it have been for her to find out where I lived? Probably not very hard at all.

I'd tried to talk to Edward about it a couple of times. In the beginning he seemed open to the idea but recently he would give me a look that clearly said he didn't want to talk about it. I didn't push the issue, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to broach the topic again when some of this was behind us.

As it was, life was pretty damn chaotic right now. After Edward's "team", meaning Alice, Edward's attorney, and a few people from the label, had decided to take a proactive stance, our lives had been filled with interview preparations. He was doing an exclusive interview that would dispel all of the rumors that were floating around while also promoting his, until recently, private work, with various charities that dealt with drug addicted youths. The plan was set and things seemed to be moving forward, but that didn't mean that things were back to normal in our house. If anything, things were drastically different.

Edward wasn't sleeping; he hardly ate and nearly never wanted to leave the house. He would sit in the studio and write for hours at a time and be oblivious to anything outside of that room. I couldn't blame him; when life got hard it was sometimes easier to retreat inward. I completely understood but that didn't mean it was easy to watch. I missed him, missed our blissfully happy moments. More than anything though, I missed seeing his smile and hearing his laughter. I missed it so, so much.

The fact that there was hardly any music around us anymore didn't help the depressing atmosphere. I was borrowing a guitar from Jessica since mine was now in the landfill and only practicing when Garrett demanded I be there. Having a personal emergency didn't seem to qualify as a good excuse to miss so many practices. So, on top of all the other bullshit, I was also fighting with Garrett on a nearly daily basis. He was pissed that I didn't seem to "care anymore," but Edward was my priority. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he didn't like me going to band practice and I wasn't about to make his life more difficult. Garrett and Sam could deal with it, especially since they were the only ones who seemed to mind. Jessica completely understood why I wasn't there.

"Black or Grey?"

I looked up to see Edward holding two shirts up. I smiled and pointed to the black one. He nodded and retreated back into the closet. I finished getting dressed and was putting the final touches on my makeup when he walked into the bathroom.

I smiled at his reflection in the mirror. "You look nice."

"I look like I'm going to a funeral," he muttered.

Edward was nervous, I knew that, but I still had to fight to keep myself from rolling my eyes. I tossed my mascara back into my makeup drawer and took a deep breath.

xXxXxXx

I stood next to Jasper and watched while Alice and Alec, a PR rep from Edward's label, gave Edward a quick pep talk. The woman who was interviewing Edward, Denise Honeycutt, was setting up her things and talking to the photographer that had come with her while they waited. It was all very professional and very scary. I didn't know what she would ask him and hated it. He'd been hurt enough lately.

Once he was seated in the chair and the interview had started, Alice came to stand with us. I gave her a halfhearted smile that was returned. The three of us collectively sighed and watched Edward.

After a few minutes I whispered to Alice, "Is there anything new?"

She shook her head. "Edward says it wasn't Jane."

"How would he know that?" I crossed my arms across my chest.

Alice shrugged her shoulders before giving me a quick look. "Have you ever considered James? I mean he would have plenty of motivation for this."

"How would he have gotten the pictures, Alice? Those aren't recent. It would have to be someone from Seattle, from before."

"What about-"

Jasper quietly cleared his throat and the two of us focused back on the interview. I wished I hadn't because the look on Edward's face made me sick to my stomach. For the millionth time since this whole thing had happened, I wished there was something I could do make this easier for him.

He was right before, about drug habits and rehab not being a real shock to anyone in the music industry, but it was an embarrassment for Edward. To have something that was such a personal struggle become public was a definite blow to his self esteem. It didn't matter that we told him that we didn't think less of him or that his past didn't make him who he was. In Edward's eyes this was a personal attack. To him, this was devastating and humiliating. He felt like he had shamed his family and friends even though it wasn't true.

Alice's arm bumping mine brought me back from my worrying. Edward was unclipping the microphone that was attached to the front of his shirt while the woman who had interviewed him was giving instructions to the photographer.

I smiled when he walked towards us but it didn't change his expression. He sighed before shoving his hands in his pockets.

"She wants to do a few pictures," he mumbled the obvious.

That started a conversation between Alice, Jasper and Edward but I just stood there watching him. God, I was so tired of this, of the constant struggle that we seemed to be going through. I slipped my arm around Edward's and held on to his bicep. I smiled when he looked down at me and kissed his shoulder when wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to his side.

"We're ready when you are."

Looking over Edward's shoulder I saw Ms. Honeycutt standing behind us, smiling that fake cheerful smile that was meant to put people at ease but just annoyed me. I squeezed Edward before letting him go.

"You know," Denise's finger tapped against her chin. "A couple of shots of the two of you together would be really great to go with the article. How about it?"

Edward immediately started shaking his head. "I don't-"

"It could help with your image, Edward. You know, paint you as a man in a serious relationship. Not someone that goes out and parties till all hours of the night."

We both turned around to look at Alec.

"I _am_ in a serious relationship and I _don't_ go out and party. That isn't an image, Alec. That's who I am."

My hand squeezed Edward's arm to try and calm him down.

Alice interceded. "I don't think he meant it like that, Edward. He just means that image is a big part of how people see you."

"I think it would go really great with the story," Denise chimed in. "Especially since you talk about the support of your family and friends, and how much they have helped you."

"I'll do it," I said quickly. Edward's head whipped around to look at me. "If it helps you then I'll do it. Let me help, please."

Denise gave me a quick smile before turning on her heel and walking back to the ugly white backdrop they were using.

Edward held on to my arm and leaned down. "Bella you don't have to do this."

"It's just a picture. Lets do it and then we can go home. Okay?"

He looked at Alice and Jasper, obviously hoping that one of them would side with him, but they both nodded.

"It can't hurt, Edward," Alice said softly.

He sighed before following after Denise. I nervously looked at Alice.

"Do I… I mean is this okay?" I motioned to my clothes. "When I got dressed this morning I wasn't really planning on having a photo shoot done."

She smiled. "You look fine."

I nodded and turned around to join Edward. I pulled at the bottom of my shirt as I walked. Nervous didn't begin to describe how I felt but I couldn't worry about that right now. Edward was watching me like he was waiting for the break down that he was sure to come. I gave him a reassuring smile and held on to his hand while the photographer moved us around.

When we were finally in position Edward shook his head. "You didn't have to do this."

I looked up at him and gently pushed his messy hair off of his forehead. "I love you."

His eyes closed and his lips pulled up into a small grin. I ignored the clicking of the camera because it really didn't matter. None of it did. I didn't care what people said about the pictures. All that mattered was that for a few seconds I'd managed to make Edward smile again.

xXxXxXx

"Bella, we have to hurry."

I nodded and continued to fish through my purse. "I know but it isn't in here! Go downstairs and tell Alice and Jasper I'll be two seconds."

Edward shook his head and grabbed my suitcase handle from me. "Just hurry."

I ran down the hallway, back to our front door, and quickly unlocked the door. Once I got into the office I started pushing stuff around on the desk in the hopes of finding the gift receipt for the baby gifts we had gotten Rosalie and Emmett. I could have sworn that I'd put them in my purse but couldn't find them now.

It wasn't surprising; lately it felt like I was losing my mind. But that's what happened when you were only getting a few hours of sleep a night because your boyfriend couldn't sleep and stayed up writing for hours on end. It also didn't help that I was in the process of finding a new guitar, finishing a few songs with Jasper, and working continuously on the song for the damn music festival. Add in scheduling a two week trip to Seattle where there would be a baby shower and birthday party and it made for a hectic last couple of weeks. Oh, and the fact that my boyfriend was also having a midlife crisis because someone had leaked his deepest and darkest secrets didn't help either.

Life had been a complete cluster fuck lately but I was hoping that some time away would be good for all of us. We would go to Esme and Carlisle's and relax in their pool. Spend time with family and old friends and just forget about all of the bullshit back here. That was my hope anyway.

I dropped a stack of paper back on the desk and groaned. This wasn't starting out well. I was about ready to give up but decided to give the lap drawer another quick look.

After pulling the drawer open, I moved aside random shit that Edward would throw in there. I saw the corner of a packing slip from _Babies-R-Us_ and yelled excitedly.

"Finally!"

I yanked the slip out of the drawer which resulted in several pieces of paper coming out and scattering along the floor. I slammed the drawer shut and bent down to pick up the papers. After tossing them back onto the desk I stood up. I had nearly walked away but an envelope with the letters _Ja _peeking out from underneath another page made me stop. My finger ran under the page and slowly pushed it off of the envelope.

_Jane- 206.875.3396. 4:30, Wed._

My heart froze and the air that I had in my lungs left if a quiet gush. With a shaking hand, I reached down and picked up the envelope. The handwriting was Edward's and the envelope that he had used to write on was date stamped two weeks ago.

I grabbed the phone off of the desk and quickly dialed the number that Edward had written down. It went straight to a voice mail that only repeated the number I had dialed. I hung up and put the phone back on its base.

_It could be anything_, I told myself. Maybe he had just called her to ask if she was the one that leaked the pictures and story. If that was true then why was a time and day written next to her number? Okay, maybe it was a completely different Jane. I stared at the writing and shook my head. What were the chances of him talk to another Jane that had a Seattle area code in their phone number?

My cell phone started ringing and I numbly answered it. "Yeah?" I asked quietly.

"Are you coming?" Jasper asked. "Or should we just go to Seattle without you?"

"I'm headed down now," I answered.

Jasper hung up and I tossed my phone and the envelope with Edward's handwriting into my purse. In the time it took me to meet all of them downstairs and get into the car, I had tried to calm down enough that no one would notice how upset I was. It didn't work. The second I was in the car and the door was shut, Edward was frowning at me.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

I turned to look at him and started to shake my head. I wanted to ask him what the phone number and date and time meant. I wanted to not believe that he would hide something like this from me. My mouth opened but nothing came out. Instead I just nodded and looked out of the window.

Edward's hand squeezed my thigh. My arms held my purse closer to my chest.

**AN: Maggie, you rock on with your side eyes and Kanye shrugs. Thanks to everyone who reviews. The Groupie went over 2000 reviews and that was very surprising and exciting!**

**I'm posting an EPOV tonight too in the outtakes, so check it out if you want.**

**Some of you might say that Edward is/was totally overreacting. Bella will deal with that later on but if you wanna know why now then check out his outtake.**


	31. Hazy

**Nothing has changed since yesterday. I still don't own Twilight.**

"**I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed. You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said. It's all that I can hear. It's more than I can bear. What if I fall and hurt myself? Would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself? Would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me? Cause' without you things go hazy." Hazy, Rosi Golan**

"Good God!" Emmett said loudly. "Why are you so damn white? Put a fucking shirt on before you blind someone!"

Edward flipped his brother off but stayed where he was; sprawled out on one of Esme's lounge chairs next to the pool. Emmett smiled before tipping the chair over and dumping Edward into the pool.

I smiled at the two of them acting like complete children but stayed away from the action and splashing water- under the yellow and white striped umbrella on the porch. Rosalie, who was sitting next to me, rolled her eyes and flipped to another page in her magazine.

"What the hell am I going to do with a baby and an over grown man-child?" She shoved her sunglasses over her eyes and sighed. "Lose my damn mind, that's what."

"I think Emmett will be a good dad," I said quietly. "He's just trying to get Edward in a better mood."

"Yeah," she muttered. "He's okay right? I mean, I know it's a lot right now but he'll be fine."

I nodded my head slowly. I'd answered this question a lot lately and always told the same lie. The truth was that I didn't know if he would be okay but I had to believe he would. Being back in Seattle seemed to have helped a little but who knew if it was a permanent shift in his mood. I told myself that it was the fact that we had gotten away from everything and were getting to spend time with his family that was making the difference. I tried really, really, hard to convince myself that it had nothing to do with the phone number that I'd found inside the desk. That stupid envelope was still in my purse, shoved at the bottom where no one would see it, but I hadn't asked Edward about it. Call me a coward, but I wasn't sure I really wanted to know. I didn't want to fight with him. I didn't want to make him feel like even more weight was added to his shoulders. I wanted to play the avoidance card that had always been so convenient in my past, but I knew I shouldn't. Today was Wednesday, and even though I had no way of knowing if today was the day he had written about on the envelope, I couldn't stop myself from worrying.

Rosalie reached over the table and squeezed my hand. I looked up at her and returned the smile she had, even though I didn't want to. She let me go and the two of us watched Edward and Emmett play around. Emmett was trying to out run his brother and ended up busting his ass on the sidewalk. Rosalie snorted but covered her mouth.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to run by the pool?" I yelled at both of them.

Emmett flipped me off which resulted in Edward slapping the back of his head before he helped him up. I smiled and went back to the book that was sitting on my lap.

xXxXxXx

I'd left Edward with Rosalie and Emmett and gone back inside to lie down. Even though we were staying at a hotel, we had been spending the days at his parent's house. I'd lain down on Edward's bed and fallen asleep with my favorite song from the CD he had made me playing on repeat.

When I woke up, Edward was lying behind me with his arm draped over my side. I smiled and rolled over to face him, pulling the earbuds out of my ears. His eyes, which had been staring at the wall opposite us, slowly focused on me.

"Hi," I whispered.

His forehead leaned against mine. "Hi."

After wrapping my arms around his sides, I hung on to the back of Edward's t-shirt and prayed, again, that things would go back to some sort of normalcy. I was so scared for both of us, for the future, but I kept reminding myself that my paranoid and insecure tendencies weren't going to help either one of us right now.

"What's the plan for tonight?" I asked carefully.

He shrugged. "I think we're supposed to get all of the baby gifts from the shower that are still at Alice's house and take them to Emmett and Rosalie's. Why? Did you want to do something?"

I shook my head and slowly released the breath I'd been holding. If Edward had made plans with Jane then he would have had to make up some reason to not be there tonight. I kissed his neck. He didn't fight me when I pushed him on to his back and even smirked a little when I sat up and straddled across his lap.

"There is something I want to do," he said quietly.

I ran my hands up his shirt and pushed it over his head. "What's that?"

Edward sat up on his elbows and looked at me after I'd successfully removed his shirt. "I want to take you somewhere."

"Like a date?" I asked nervously.

He gave me another grin. "Kind of."

When I nodded, his grin got bigger. He rolled me over onto my back and I laughed as his lips tickled my neck and shoulder. After he had thrown my sundress over his shoulder I lay back against the pillows and waited. Edward looked at me for a second before crawling over the bed to reach me.

"Bella," he said quietly.

I ran my hands over his hair until they were on either side of his neck. "Yeah?"

Edward's eyes looked over my face. "I love you."

He didn't know how much his words reassured me. I leaned up and kissed him slowly, reverently. His hands pulled me closer to him and I went willingly.

"I love you too," I whispered against his ear.

And there it was, finally, our normalcy. His hands on me and my lips on him, this was who we were. The weight of his body on top of mine and the feeling of how perfect the two of us fit together, this was our blissful happiness. I held on tighter. God how I'd missed this, missed him.

Edward's head fell onto my shoulder as he pushed his hips into mine. My legs tighten around his waist in a vain attempt to hold him to me. The feeling of him inside of me was completing and I hated him pulling away, even if was only for a few seconds. He knew what I liked, knew what pushed me over the edge, and gave it to me.

My hips lifted off of the bed when I thought that he would slide back out but I was only met with his body pushing me back to the mattress. My fingers dug in to the muscles on his shoulders as Edward swiveled his hips against mine. His whole body was tense and I knew it was because he was fighting the need to pull away.

"Stay," I begged him. "God, please stay right here."

"Bella," his voice was strained.

I nodded even though I didn't want him to move. Edward slowly slid away from me and I bit my lip to keep from whimpering. It was all worth it though, the second he pushed back against my body. The force of his thrust caused both of us to moan loudly and the headboard to slam into the wall.

"Again." I was barely able to speak.

Once, twice, three more times. I was absolutely clawing at Edward's back as my body unraveled beneath him. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath. Edward's breath came out in deep pants against my ear and tickled my neck.

He lifted his head and he shifted his weight above me onto one arm. With his free hand he brushed my hair off of my face and smiled as he tucked it behind my ear. I watched him and nearly started crying because it wasn't just a small smile, or a grin that was barely there. It was a full blown Edward smile, the kind that made my heart melt.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asked with a laugh.

I smiled up at him. "Because you're beautiful and perfect."

Edward sat up and I watched as he reached over the end of the bed to grab my dress and panties. I followed suit and sat up, holding a pillow against my chest, and watched as he got redressed. Edward reached onto the floor next to me to grab his shirt. I held on to his arm to keep him from turning away from me.

"Hey," I said quietly. "What's wron-"

Edward pulled my hand off of his arm and kissed my knuckles. "Emmett's coming up the stairs."

"How do you-"

I was interrupted by a loud knock on the door and was followed by Emmett yelling "I'm telling Mom when she gets home."

Edward rolled his eyes, leaned forward and kissed the top of my head before leaving and shutting the door behind him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

It was always one step forward and ten steps back with us. I shook my head and tossed Edward's pillow back on the bed before going to the bathroom and cleaning up.

xXxXxXx

It took three cars to get all of the baby gifts from Alice and Jasper's old house to Rosalie and Emmett's. The boxes and bags filled the nearly completed nursery that was decorated in pale shades of yellow and chocolate brown.

"I'm going to add more gender specific colors once the baby gets here," Rosalie said wistfully. Her hands were resting on her stomach while she looked around the room.

"You know you could just tell us and make this a lot easier on all of us," Alice complained. "I mean, if I knew what you were having I would have gotten you a crap load of more stuff."

I laughed and told both of them good-bye before meeting Edward outside and getting into the car we'd rented. After I'd put on my seat belt, Edward put the car in gear and we headed to whatever it was he had been planning.

"So are you going to tell me what were doing?"

He grinned and shook his head. "Nope."

I shook my head at his playfulness and we passed the time with an easy conversation. He was in the middle of telling about a song he'd written for this next album when we pulled into a parking lot. It was next to an old run down building that had a neon sign in the window that was in the shape of a guitar.

"Do you remember this place?" He asked once the car was in park.

"Kinda," I lied. The truth was that I didn't remember at all.

"I brought you here once," he said as he took his seatbelt off and smiled. "We hadn't known each other very long and we were only inside for a few minutes while I got guitar picks."

The fact that Edward remembered such a small detail about our past made me smile. He looked at the store then back to me. "Come on."

I followed him inside and looked around at all of the guitars that were hung on the wall. There were old chairs grouped around a small stage that held a drum set and a mic stand.

"Hey," Edward called from the door.

An old man that was standing behind a cash register looked up and smiled at us. He dropped the book he'd been reading and walked around the counter. Edward left me standing at the door and met the guy in the middle of the store. They laughed and hugged for a few seconds before Edward looked back at me.

"El Jefe, this is Bella."

I smiled and shook his hand. "It's nice to meet you."

"The name is Eleazar," he corrected Edward. "And it's nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot about you."

My eyes playfully narrowed at Edward. "Don't believe any of it."

I followed the two of back to the register and while they caught up, I looked at the wall behind them. It was like Seattle's entire music history was on display with various pictures, magazine and newspaper articles, and concert flyers that were faded with age. I leaned in for a closer look.

There were pictures of Eleazar with some of Seattle's most famous musicians through various decades starting with the most recognizable, Jimi Hendrix. I smiled and looked closer at the picture. It had to have been taken before he had really gotten famous; they were just young kids.

"Amazing, huh?"

I nodded at Edward's question and kept looking. It really was amazing. There were pictures ranging from Quincy Jones to Pearl Jam and Nirvana. Looking at this wall was like a "whose who" of the Seattle music scene. There were pictures of 7 Year Bitch and Alice in Chains, back when Layne Staley was still alive. Newer bands like Death Cab for Cutie and Band of Horses. There were even pictures of Kenny G and Sir Mix-A-Lot. I smiled and moved farther down the wall. A flyer that had a picture of Mia Zapata on it was framed. I knew it was one of the ones they had passed out when trying to find out who had killed her. I reverently touched the glass.

"She was a good kid," Eleazar said quietly. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about her."

I turned to look at him. "You knew her?"

He nodded towards the wall. "I knew all those kids. I don't have much family so, you know, they were my kids."

Edward followed behind me as I kept looking. It was both fascinating and sad to see this man's life through the years with all of these extraordinary music talents. Too many of these people had died way too young and it was truly devastating to see them all together and realize how many there were.

I stopped at a picture of a young kid playing on the stage at the front store. He was classic Seattle grunge with the plaid flannel shirt, torn jeans and Doc Martin boots. I shook my head and smiled. "You really haven't changed that much."

Edward leaned down to look at his picture. "I still have that shirt. It's in the closet at my parent's house."

"Now that picture," Eleazar put his hand on Edward's shoulder. "That picture was taken the night that Edward nearly got me arrested."

I watched as my boyfriend started to argue with him but Eleazar spoke over him.

"We used to have concerts out here, you know for smaller bands that couldn't get gigs anywhere else. Well, we weren't allowed to have kids under twenty-one because of the alcohol they served. I'd told Edward that, at least thirty times, but he didn't listen to me. So I'm outside working the gate and Irina comes running to tell me that some kid playing on the stage inside was killing people with his performance."

"Killing in a good way," Edward added to the story. I laughed and looked back at Eleazar.

"So I come inside to find little Edward Cullen up there singing his heart out," he finished. "Most stubborn student I ever had and that's saying something."

"You taught Edward?" I asked.

The old man in front of me smiled proudly. "Taught him everything he knows."

"Now you're just lying, El Jefe." Edward shook his head. "My dad taught me but I took extra lessons from El."

Eleazar ignored him and smiled at me. "Now that we've sufficiently embarrassed Edward, let's focus on you. Do you have any idea what kind you want?"

Confused, I looked at my boyfriend and then back at Eleazar. "What kind of what?"

"Guitar," Edward answered. "I'm buying you a new guitar to replace the one I… well you know. I want to do this for you."

Eleazar shuffled around us and started walking towards the back of the store. "While you two discuss it, I'll go get your stuff from the back. I've got the two you had me to order. I don't know why you keep insisting on Taylors but I guess a man's got to stick with what works."

Once he'd left I grab Edward's hand and shook my head. "You don't have to do this."

"I _want_ to do it," he leaned forward and kissed the top of my head. "Please."

Two hours later I was the proud owner of a new Martin guitar. It wasn't until Edward asked me what I was going to name it that I realized I'd never named my old one. I shrugged my shoulders and ran my fingers over the glossy wooden finish.

"What are you going to name yours?"

He turned his new guitar over and showed me the back of it. Something was engraved in the wood on the neck.

"What's it say?" I asked. When he didn't answer I looked up at him.

"Cricket," Edward said quietly. "Since you won't let me call you that anymore I figured maybe you wouldn't mind if I named my guitar after your long lost nickname."

I smiled and carefully traced the engraved letters. "I don't mind."

xXxXxXx

"It's been so good to see you," I said against Mike's shoulder.

He hugged me tighter and nodded. "I know. It's been way too long."

I laughed when Lauren pushed him out of the way and threw her arms around my neck. She squeezed me and then let me go but left her hands sitting on my shoulders.

"So we'll see you at the wedding right? It won't be anything spectacular but it would mean so much if you were able to come, Bella."

I smiled and gave her another quick hug. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Angela and I waved when Mike and Lauren finally got in their car and pulled away from the restaurant we'd picked for lunch. Once their car disappeared, Angela looped her arm through mine and leaned her head against my shoulder.

"We've really missed you," she said quietly.

I nodded and squeezed her arm. "I know. And I'm going to try really hard to come back and visit more often. You know, Edward's probably going to have another tour for his next CD so I'll have a lot of free time. Maybe I can rent a house up here for a month or so. We could hang out all the time."

Angela laughed and handed me the keys to her brand new car. "You have to give this a shot, Bells. Seriously you'll die."

I looked at her car and then back to her. "It's a Volvo, Ang. Not a new Porsche."

She shook her head and opened the passenger side door. "Just get in."

I did what she said and got behind the steering wheel. We drove around for a while and I had to admit that it was a nice car. A little soccer-mom for me, but still, it was nice.

"How's Edward?" She asked.

I shrugged and didn't look at her. "He's okay."

"Uh huh," she laughed. "How is he really?"

"There is just a lot going on right now. He'll be fine once everything calms down."

Again with the generic response to the same question people kept asking me. The truth was that he was so up and down that there was no way of knowing if he was better or not. He'd be fine and then a few hours later he'd be moody again. It had been tolerable until last night when he'd been so damn upset about something that I ended up staying with Alice and Jasper while Emmett stayed at the hotel and tried to calm Edward down. If it wasn't for the fact that Emmett had promised me he hadn't left him, I would have been seriously concerned about him being alone. I hoped that him being able to spend the day with his father and brother would leave him in a better mood tonight.

"Maybe while you guys are here we can all get together," Angela suggested. "I really want you to meet Ben."

I smiled at my former roommate and nodded. "I'll see if Edward wants to go."

We kept driving around and I accidently ended up downtown. Traffic was an absolute nightmare but it gave Angela and me a chance to catch up. We were both hysterical, while laughing and reminiscing about the "old days". I ended up laughing so hard I started crying and had to wipe my eyes to be able to see the road properly. I stopped at a red light and tried to catch my breath while Angela shook her head, still giggling.

"Hey," she pointed out of the window. "Isn't that Edward?"

I followed her eye sight and saw Edward across the street, yielding to traffic that was coming through the intersection. _Why was he down town and driving Carlisle's Mercedes?_ I asked Angela to hand me my cell phone and I watched through the windshield while the phone rang.

"Ask him about dinner," my friend reminded me.

I watched as Edward got the phone out of his pocket, looked at it for a second and then tossed it into the passenger seat. My heart rate tripled when the call went to voicemail. I hung up and called again, only to watch him do the same thing. After the third time I hung up and tried again, only this time it went straight to voicemail. He had turned his phone off.

My hand dropped the phone and I watched as Edward turned into traffic, taking a road that didn't lead back to his parents, Emmett's, Alice's or the hotel. The second that our light turned green I made an illegal turn to follow after him.

"Bella!" Angela yelled. I ignored her as she braced herself against the door. "What the hell are you doing?"

I follow behind Edward for more than twenty minutes, staying two cars behind him and ignoring Angela's attempts at a reasonable explanation for all of this. While I drove I prayed that Edward wouldn't be doing what I thought he was doing. And if he was, if he was meeting up with Jane, then what the hell was I going to do? What was I going to say to him?

My suspicions were only fueled when he turned his father's car into the parking lot of some beat to shit duplexes. I slowly drove past the exit, watching while Edward pulling into a parking spot.

"Maybe he is seeing an old friend," Angela whispered.

"Yeah, I bet he is." I pulled over to the curb and put her car in park. After taking off my seatbelt, I reached into my purse and pulled out the tattered envelope I'd been hiding. "Wait here."

I once again ignored my friend and got out of the car, shutting the door in her face. I ran back to the entrance to the duplex and didn't stop until I saw Edward getting a black bag out of the backseat of the car.

The few seconds that I stood there and watched him, was long enough for me to realize that I couldn't let him do this. It didn't matter if he was meeting up with Jane to buy drugs, have sex or discuss the national-fucking-debt. She was and always had been a horrible influence over him. I loved Edward and I had walked away and let her have him before. I wasn't going to make that mistake again. I quickly walked towards him, closing the space between us.

Edward shut the car door and was turning to walk towards the building in front of us. I quickly grabbed his arm and tried to keep myself from crying when he spun around to look at me.

"You don't have to do this," I said quickly. "Whatever it is, whatever you think it is that she can give you… Edward you just… don't! Please!"

His eyes were huge while he looked at me. "Bella."

The whole not crying thing wasn't working. My eyes were blurry with tears but I kept holding on to his arm.

"Please don't do this," I begged him. "Edward, I love you and I know that things aren't perfect right now but please don't go back down this road with her! If you need me to be different, if you need something else then I can try! I'll do whatever you want!"

"What are you-" he shook his head. "Bella you need to leave, okay? This isn't what you think it is and I promise I will explain everything. But you've got to leave."

I held the envelope with his handwriting to him and swallowed thickly. He looked down and closed his eyes.

"This isn't what you-"

"You're late," A loud voice said behind us. "And you were supposed to come alone."

I screamed a little and nearly fell over when Edward moved so that he was in front of me. I quickly wiped my eyes and looked over Edward's shoulder at the man standing at the front of Carlisle's car. He looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't be sure who he was. My hands held on to the back of Edward's shirt, keeping him close to me.

"She was just leaving," Edward said calmly. He didn't turn around to look at me but kept watching the guy in front of us. "Go, Bella. I'll be home later."

My grip on his shirt tightened. "I'm not leaving you here."

"Enough," The guy moved around the car and yank the black backpack away from Edward. "Aro isn't going to keep waiting. She's coming with us."

Edward reached behind him to grab a hold of my hand. "Bella has nothing to do with this. She'll leave and we can go inside to finish this."

I squeezed his hand, hoping he would understand that I wasn't leaving. I didn't care that this was now involving Aro Volturi or his steroid using guard dog wearing a fucking wife beater. Once he had said Aro's name it all came flooding back. Aro was one of Seattle's biggest drug dealers and Jane's employer. He had tried for years to get Edward involved in selling, before Jane had even come into the picture. There was no telling what the he wanted from Edward now but I sure as hell wasn't going to leave him here by alone.

"I said she's coming." His voice was final. "Get up against the car."

Edward turned around and pushed me back towards the car. He leaned down and whispered. "Do what he says and don't say anything, okay?"

I nodded and tried to hold on tighter to his hand but he let it go and placed his hands on the hood of Carlisle's car. He was patted down the sides of his stomach, pockets and both of his legs. Once he was finished, Edward reached for my hand but stopped when the guy shook his head.

"She'll have to be searched too." He spun his finger at me, signaling for me to turn around like Edward had.

"Marcus," Edward basically growled. "She's clean and you know it. Let's go inside and get this over with."

I nearly screamed but managed to cover my mouth in time to muffle it. Marcus had reared his fist back and hit Edward so hard that he fell back against the hood of the car, knocking the mirror off of the door in the process. When Marcus's eyes turned back to me I involuntarily took a step backwards.

"Turn around and put your hands on top of the car."

I did what he said. The feeling of his hands on my shoulders and back made me want to pull away from him but I locked my knees and stayed where I was. Slightly turned my head, I tried to see if Edward was okay. He looked furious but I shook my head when he took an unbalanced step towards me.

"Nice," he hissed in my ear. I swallowed back the bile that was bubbling in my throat and tried to think of anything beside the fact that his hands were sliding down my chest and stomach.

"Marcus," an unfamiliar and authoritative voice barked.

His hands stopped on my hips before he quickly let me go by pushing me away from him. I fell against the side of Carlisle's car and probably would have fallen onto the asphalt if Edward wouldn't have caught me. I ignored his whispered apologies and carefully touched the red whelp that was surfacing on the side of his face.

"Just making sure they weren't hiding anything."

Edward held me against his chest. "Caius, just let Bella leave and I'll go inside, okay? She doesn't need to be here for this."

"I'm not leaving you here!" I said angrily.

Caius shook his head and picked the backpack up from the parking lot. He unzipped it and looked inside before tossing it back to Marcus, who caught it and disappeared up the stairs.

"Aro knows you're not alone, Edward. He wants to see both of you."

Caius turned to walk away, and without giving Edward an option to tel me no, I followed after him. Edward's hands grabbed onto my waist, making me stop. He quickly spun me around and shook his head.

"Do not leave my side again and for God's sake keep your mouth shut!" He whispered angrily.

"What are you even doing here, Edward?" I asked, just as angry. "Why the hell are you still involved in this bullshit again?"

Caius snapped his fingers. "Now, Mr. Cullen."

Edward glared up at his silhouette and then looked back at me. He stepped around me and took the first step up the stairs before stopping.

"I'm here to get Jane," he quietly answered. "Please, Bella just… don't do anything stupid."

**AN: And the plot thickens. Thanks Mags, like always.**


	32. Your Decision

**Hey guess what! I still don't own Twilight. This is one of my favorite songs ever though.**

"**Time to change has come and gone****. ****Watched your fears become your god****. ****It's your decision. You feed the fire that burned us all****when you lied****. ****To feel the pain that spurs you on****, ****black inside****. ****No one plans to take the path that brings you lower****. ****And here you stand before us all and say it's over****. ****It's over." Your Decision, Alice in Chains**

_I'm here to get Jane._

My first reaction was to give Edward a black eye that would match the one Marcus had given him. That lasted all of three seconds before Caius cleared his throat and reminded me that these weren't people you messed with. Edward grabbed my hand and I followed him up the stairs.

Anger and fear fought for domination- fear won out. The fingers of my free hand curled into the fabric of Edward's shirt and I stayed as close to his back as I possibly could. That resulted in me nearly tripping over his feet a couple of times. Edward's other arm reached behind him and held on to my arm, as if he was holding me in place, while he held our clasped hands against his stomach. We slowly followed Caius through a doorway, and when the door slammed shut, my scream of surprise was muffled by Edward's back. I was shaking so hard that my teeth were chattering together. Edward squeezed my hand.

"Edward, so glad you could fucking join us."

Reluctantly I looked over Edward's shoulder as he nodded towards Aro. The guy hadn't changed much since I'd last seen him. If there was ever someone plagued with little man syndrome, it would be him. He was probably an inch taller than I was and thin as a pencil. His white blonde hair didn't help his pale complexion, and if it wasn't for the fact that his eyes were a cold, steel grey, he might have passed as an albino. For what he lacked in physical size, he made up with a calculating mind. I hadn't ever spent much time around Aro but I did remember that he wasn't a stupid, drugged out, crack head. He was very intelligent and very dangerous.

"I'm doing you a favor here, Cullen. You should remember that. I didn't have to be so fucking lenient. Understand?"

Edward nodded.

Aro nodded and held his hand out. Marcus handed him the backpack and the two of them talked quietly for a few seconds. I was able to peel my eyes off of them and take a quick look around the room. It was exactly what I would expect for a crack den or drug house, whatever this was. The room was dark, only a couple of small lamps throwing light around. It smelled like dust and mold. There were a couple of other people sitting around on tattered mismatched pieces of furniture, two men I didn't know and a few scantily dressed women that I vaguely recognized. They looked drugged out of their minds, swaying slightly in the chairs they were sitting in. A guy sitting at a card table shifted enough in his seat for me to notice the gun he was holding in his lap. I bit back the panic and pulled myself closer to Edward, hiding my face against his back. I really didn't want us to die here.

"I could have charged you interest, you know? But I figured since you're being all noble and bailing that stealing whore out of trouble then I would cut you a break. I trust its all here?"

Edward nodded again and I heard the bag being tossed to someone else. Loud footsteps pounded against the floor and I flinched, nearly screaming again, when a heavy shoulder brushed past mine.

"Ah, yes," Aro laughed. "I nearly forgot that you brought a guest with you. Bella, how are you? It's been a while since we've seen each other."

I knew if I ignored him it would only piss Aro off. I reluctantly looked back over Edward's shoulder and nodded. He squeezed my fingers even tighter.

"I'm f-f-fine," I stuttered.

Aro cocked his head to the side and playfully narrowed his eyes. "I'll be honest Bella. I didn't give you much credit back when I first met you. You seemed a little… pathetic actually. But obviously we all underestimated you."

I swallowed and just held on tighter to Edward.

Grey eyes moved between the two of us before a creepy smile covered his pale face. "Nice to see that you finally got what you wanted. I hear you're in Texas now, writing music and shacking up with Cullen. It's interesting to see how things work out."

The fact that this guy knew anything about our life together made my skin crawl.

"I have a cousin in Texas, actually." Aro continued in a bored voice. "Only been there a few years though, moved there from New Mexico I believe."

"Aro." Edward's voice was forcefully calm. "I paid you and everything is settled. Where is she?"

We got another cruel smile before he nodded and the guy who had been sitting at the table disappeared down a hallway. I nervously looked between the doorway and Aro, not really sure which was worse, Jane coming through that doorway or Aro staring at us. Either way I hated this whole fucked up situation.

"She might be a minute," his bored voice continued. He walked over to a small side table and picked up a flat, round mirror. "Probably trying to make herself look decent." His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Aro walked towards us, making Edward take a step backwards, pushing me with him.

"Oh come on," Aro laughed. "I'm being friendly here, Edward, just offering you something to take the edge off." He held out the mirror that had lines of white powder on it. Aro smiled and raised an eyebrow. "This always was your drug of choice right?"

Okay, fuck fear.

Anger was making a strong come back. I let go of Edward's shirt and slapped the mirror out of Aro's hands.

"Get that shit away from him!" I yelled angrily.

Edward reacted quickly, but not fast enough to keep Marcus from grabbing a hold of my arm. I tried to pull away from him but was yanked away from Edward and thrown down onto a couch that smelled like… well not something I really wanted to be sitting on. Caius had shoved Edward against the wall, his hand holding him there by the throat.

"Not a smart move, Bella." Aro shook his head while mockingly clicking his tongue. He pointed down at the floor before looking at me. "Do you realize how much money you just cost me?"

I started to tell him I didn't give a shit but Edward spoke over me. "I've got five hundred bucks in my wallet, Aro. That should cover it. Let her go. Now."

"You're not really in a position to be making demands, Cullen. But again with this nobility," Aro laughed and shook his head. "This is for the woman you love so I guess I'll let you have this one."

He turned around to look at me, his eyes turning cold, mean. "You ever disrespect me again and I'll cut my name into your flesh as a permanent reminder that I'm not to be fucked with. Got it?"

The fear was back.

I nodded and Marcus, once again, grabbed my arm and shoved me at Edward. He caught me before I could hit the floor and pushed me back behind him. I held on to the back of his shirt and watched as he pulled the money out of his wallet and handed it to Caius. He was in the middle of counting it when we heard a muffled groaning noise. Edward and I both turned our heads in time to see the guy from the table, dragging something-someone- by their hair, into the living room.

"Oh my God." I let go of Edward and covered my mouth.

Jane was thrown down onto the floor where she just curled herself into a ball and kept moaning. Edward shoved his wallet at me before covering the distance to Jane in two wide steps. I watched as he leaned down over her, whispering something I couldn't understand. She weakly cried out as his arms slipped under her body and lifted her off the floor.

"I always knew that bitch wouldn't be worth fighting for," Marcus laughed. "Glad I let you have her, Cullen."

He ignored him and looked at me before nodding towards the door. "Go."

Aro didn't try to stop me from moving towards the door so I quickly opened it. Edward was outside and heading down the stairs by the time I was barely stepping over the threshold.

"Remember what I said, Bella," Aro warned.

I ignored him and slammed the door shut behind me. Edward was already getting Jane in the car when I started running down the stairs. He left the drivers side door open.

"You're driving." It wasn't a request but a demand.

In an attempt to hurry, I tripped and fell, face first, down the last three steps. I quickly tried to push myself up and cussed when I saw a long cut on my arm. I stared at the dark red blood that started oozing down my arm until Edward's voice yelled at me.

"Bella! Hurry the fuck up!"

I wiped my forearm on my shirt and got into the car.

"We're going to the hospital," Edward said quickly. "Dad's meeting us there."

I watched in the rearview mirror as his hands gently pushed Jane's matted hair off of her face. I clinched my jaw and threw the car into reverse and gunned it out of the parking lot. It wasn't until I saw Angela's car sitting down the block that I remembered that I'd left her there. Ignoring Edward's complaints, I slowed down and rolled down the window. Angela just stared at me, obviously shocked.

"Follow me!" I yelled quickly. I saw her nodding as I sped down the street.

"You fucking brought Angela?" Edward yelled from the back seat. "Jesus Christ, Bella!"

My hands tightened around the steering wheel. "I really don't think you have a right to sit there and yell at me for making bad decisions Edward!"

He ignored my insult. "Hand me my phone."

I took the phone from the passenger seat and threw it back to him. He caught it without saying anything. I focused on the road and hardly listened to Edward's frantic discussion with his father.

"No there was a complication," he said after a few seconds. "Bella showed up. No she's fine, we're both fine."

The longer it went on, the more I realized that all of this was planned.

"You'll be at the bank entrance?" Edward asked quickly. "With a stretcher."

Edward hung up and I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, wincing when my arm stung. Looking down I saw the blood that was pooling on Carlisle's expensive leather seats. I cussed under my breath and again, tried to wipe the blood away. The car swerved and I deserted my efforts to focus on driving.

"Pay attention, Bella! The last thing we need is a fucking car accident."

I slammed my fist against the steering wheel and ran a yellow light. "I'm sorry for trying to not get blood all over your father's car, Edward! Why don't you just tell me everything else I'm doing wrong?"

Edward leaned Jane against the door and crawled between the seats and over the console. Once his ass was planted in the passenger seat he took my arm. I wanted to yank it away from him and act like a petulant child but I was too focused on trying not to kill us all.

"How did you cut your arm?"

I laughed at a situation that wasn't even funny. "You didn't see me fall down the stairs?"

Edward didn't answer me, instead just pulled his shirt off and wrapped it around my arm. I looked at him for a second before shaking my head. Of course he hadn't seen it; he'd been too focused on Jane.

"When were you going to tell me what the fuck was going on?" I asked bitterly.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Bella, this isn't the time for this discussion."

"Oh I agree," I nodded my head and pulled into the delivery area of the hospital. "The _right_ time to talk about it would have been before you even did it!"

I threw the car in park and watched as Edward jumped out. I turned the car off and slammed the door shut behind me while Edward carried Jane out of the car. I walked around the car and shut both of the doors he'd left open before noticing the people standing there. Carlisle was helping Edward put Jane on a stretcher while Esme, Alice, and Jasper were all watching me. I shook my head and walked past them, following behind Edward and Carlisle.

Esme caught up with me and gently wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Come with me."

I wanted to shove her away from me but I had way more respect for her than that. Instead I let her guide me away from the direction Edward and his father were going. She spoke soft, comforting words the entire way to a room that was waiting for me.

"Sit, Bella." Esme said gently.

I did what she said and sat on the bed. A few seconds later a woman in scrubs came inside, revealing a worried looking Alice and Jasper in the hallway. I ignored them and focused on the person talking to me.

"I'm Doctor Tully, Doctor Cullen asked me to check you out," she said kindly. "You doing okay?"

I held my arm up, revealing Edward's blood stained shirt. "I cut my arm."

Esme gave me a worried look so I elaborated. I didn't want her thinking that I'd been the victim of a knife fight. "I fell down some stairs and cut it on the railing, I think."

Doctor Tully nodded and carefully pulled the shirt away from my arm. I stared at the wall while she cleaned it and gave me twenty-eight stitches. After she looked over the rest of me, Dr. Tully asked if I wanted something for the pain. I shook my head no. I couldn't feel much of anything so it didn't really matter. Esme started talking about something unimportant and I sighed.

"Can I just lie down for a few minutes?" I asked her. "I just need some time alone to…"

My voice trailed off but Esme nodded. She kissed the side of my head and went into the hallway. I overheard her telling Alice and Jasper to go with her to the waiting room. That was good; I didn't really want to see anyone or talk about anything. I sat on the edge of the hospital bed and counted the tiles that covered the floor. I'd gotten to ninety-seven when there was a knock on my door. I sighed but told them to come in.

Angela stuck her in the door, looking tired, confused and worried. I smiled in an attempt to reassure her. She came all the way inside and shit the door behind her.

"You left your purse in my car," she said quietly.

I nodded and took it from her, muttering a quiet "thank you."

The fact that she didn't pester me for information was a true testament to how well she knew me. Her small hand only held on to mine for a second before she smiled.

"Is there anything you need?"

Almost instantly I was telling her no but stopped mid-word. There was something she could do for me. I squeezed her hand and looked up at her.

"Can you get me out of here?"

"Are you leaving against medical advice?" She asked carefully.

I laughed at her nursing profession taking over. "I'm pretty sure I'm not technically a patient."

She helped me off the bed and walked beside me through the halls. Angela knew better than to keep up a stream of pointless conversation. Once we were inside her car I sent Jasper a text message telling him I'd left and would call them later.

"Where are we headed?" Angela asked.

My phone vibrated with a response that asked me if I was leaving for good. I closed my eyes against the tears forming.

"Anywhere," I quietly answered her. "As long as it's in Seattle."

As she pulled out of the parking lot I sent a message back to Jasper.

_I can't sit at a hospital all night waiting while he is with her. Tell Edward to call me when he's done._

xXxXxXx

I hadn't let myself think since I'd made the choice to get out of Angela's car and follow Edward. I'd tried to put all of my emotions on hold and focus on getting both of us out of that situation alive. Looking back, I couldn't believe that I'd actually slapped that mirror out of Aro's hands. But there was some primal need for me to protect Edward, and even if that meant keeping temptation away from him, then that's what I would do. No matter how stupid it made me look after the fact.

I leaned my head against the railing of the three small steps that led up to my old house, and closed my eyes. I was so tired but knew there wasn't a snowball's chance in Hell that I would be able to sleep. My mind wouldn't stop turning over the details of what had happened while trying to figure out the missing pieces. My heart wouldn't stop aching at the fact that Edward had, once again, lied to me. Even if it was only a lie through omission it was _still_ a lie and it _still_ hurt.

Footsteps on the sidewalk told me that someone was walking down the street. Given that it was now past three in the morning and that the person's footsteps stopped directly in front of me, I knew it wasn't just some random person. I sighed and reluctantly opened my eyes. Edward was standing in front of me, his hands shoved in the pockets of the scrubs he was wearing. He looked horrible.

"I was scared you would leave," he said quietly. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you did."

I shook my head. "I told you I wasn't going to run away again, Edward."

He nodded and I moved so that he would have room to sit on the stairs next to me. Once he had, his head fell forward while he rested his elbows on his knees and buried his fingers in his hair. I looked at him for a second before turning back to stare at the street in front of us.

"I'm sorry," Edward finally said. "So, so, fucking sorry."

I picked at the torn and stained jean fabric that covered my knees. "Why didn't you just tell me? Have I not proved that you can trust me? That I won't judge you or your decisions? I might not agree with them but I would have helped you, Edward."

"This wasn't about trust." He shook his head and looked at me. "That's not what any of this was about."

"Yeah, it was." I argued. "I can't trust you if you keep lying to me. And I feel like you don't trust me when you never talk to me about your problems. You hide things and sneak around… how the hell am I supposed to trust that?"

He took a deep breath. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to go with me. I didn't want you to see that. I didn't want you to be a part of it- a part of the mistakes I've made in the past."

Anger boiled in my chest and I pushed myself away from the steps and slowly paced in front of him.

"Why are you so fucking blind, Edward?" I asked angrily. "I don't care what you did or who you did it with! I love you! All of you! I love your mistakes and your stupid idiotic tendencies! I don't care about your past!"

"I care!" He yelled. "I care because I don't want-"

He shut his mouth and shook his head, trying to rethink his words.

"Don't want what?" I demanded. "Tell me! I deserve to know!"

"I don't want to disappoint you! I don't want you to think less of me!" He shoved away from the steps and stood in front of me. "I've tried so fucking hard to be what you need, Bella! I've tried to be what-what- my parents need! I can't be perfect!"

"No one expects you to be perfect, Edward!"

"You do!" He frantically shook his head. "You say it all the time! You said it the other day at my parent's house!"

I pulled at the ends of my hair. "That isn't what I meant, Edward."

He started to turn away from me but I grabbed his hand. He reluctantly looked down at me.

I spoke with deliberate enunciation. "You are perfectly imperfect."

He didn't say anything, just keep watching me. I moved closer and held on to his other hand, ignoring the stinging in my arm.

"You are-" I shook my head and swallowed back the tears. "Edward, you're perfect because of your flaws. I don't expect you to be _without_ them and I love you more for _having_ them. God, since day one I've felt that way! Since the night I first met you, I've seen exactly _who_ and _what_ you are! I love you just the way you are and I really wish that you would see that there isn't anything wrong with that."

He took a deep shuddering breath and closed his eyes when I gently wiped tears off of his cheek.

"It's when you try to be so in control and to fix things that don't need to be fixed…" I whispered. "When you don't ask for help and when you lie to me, that's when I'm disappointed. It isn't because you screwed up when you were eighteen. It's because you don't trust me enough to help you _now_."

Edward shook his head. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Then stop fucking lying to me," I said tiredly. "Just tell me the truth."

He nodded and I pulled him back to the steps. He sat down next to me and I patiently waited for him to start talking. Edward ran his hands over his thighs and stared at the curb in front of us.

"I thought that she was the one that leaked everything," he said slowly.

I nodded.

"So I called her to ask, and if it was, then to find out why the fuck she would have done that. The last time I'd talked to her, you know before the show in Chicago, she seemed fine with what had happened between us. I honestly thought that it was totally over between us. That we had closure."

Again, I nodded for him to continue.

"I knew something was wrong when I called her. She didn't want to tell me what the hell was going on but finally admitted that she'd borrowed some money from Aro and hadn't been able to pay it back. So I offered to give it to her."

I sighed but kept my mouth shut.

"That's what you found in the drawer. The number was for her roommate, Tanya, who was picking up the money I was wiring. The date and time was when she needed it by. I hung up the phone that day and never thought I would hear from her again. I knew she hadn't been the one to give those pictures out so I left it alone. It was just a one time thing- me helping a friend out."

_A friend that you used to be in a craptastic relationship with. A friend that you know is an addict._

Edward shook his head as if he was able to read my thoughts. "Everyone deserves second chances, Bella. I wouldn't be who I am without one. Neither would you."

I picked at my knees and waited for him to continue.

"Tanya called me two days ago, three days ago now, to see if I'd heard from Jane. When I asked what was going on she explained that she hadn't heard from her in over a week. I put two and two together and got Aro's number. And once I talked to him, I realized how really fucking bad this whole situation was."

"What did she do?" I asked quietly. "What did she do to make him mad?"

Edward sighed before continuing. "She stole sixty thousand dollars from him."

"You wired her sixty thousand dollars?" I asked loudly.

He shook his head. "I originally gave her two thousand."

"Good God," I rubbed my forehead.

"Aro told me he had her and I knew that meant that he was beating the crap out of her on a daily basis, punishing her for stealing and disrespecting him. I couldn't walk away and leave her there, Bella. I couldn't just act like I didn't know."

"And calling the police never crossed your mind?" I asked. "Jesus, Edward do you even think?"

"If I would have called the cops then my name would have been associated with this. That would mean even more bad publicity and possibly a threat of Aro's people coming and finding me, killing me and hurting you. I didn't have a lot of options, Bella."

I shook my head.

"I didn't go over there without people knowing. Emmett, Dad, Jasper… they all knew where I was and what I was doing. If something had happened then they would have gone to the police."

"And why didn't you at least take one of them with you? Why go by yourself?" I asked him.

"Emmett is about to be a dad, Bella. And Jasper has Alice. I couldn't threaten to destroy their lives like that. I did what I-"

"And what about me? What about my life? Our life together? What if something would have happened to you, Edward? What if Aro or Marcus would have killed you? Did you think about me at all before you decided to do this?" I angrily wiped tears off my cheeks.

He at least had the decency to seem ashamed. "You would have asked me not to go. And I wouldn't have been able to tell you no."

"No," I shook my head. "I would have _told_ you not to go! And if that makes me a selfish, cold hearted bitch, then so be it! You aren't just my boyfriend, Edward! You're my best friend and I waited thirteen years for you!"

He pulled me onto his lap and I didn't even try to stop him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried against his chest like this was some damn made for TV movie. The problem was that this was real life, our life. There was no changing the channel or easy resolution that would happen within the next hour. Hell, I didn't know if there would be a resolution at all.

"I'm sorry," Edward's arms held me against him.

"I don't know what hurts more, Edward. The fact that you lied or that you did this, knowing that it had a very real possibility of destroying our relationship. Am I that easy for you to just forget about? To just throw away?"

"I love you," Edward answered me. "I just… I did what I thought I had to do."

I never thought I would reach a point where hearing him say those words to me wouldn't mean anything, wouldn't fix anything. How could he possibly mean it and still have done what he did. Taken the chance he had.

"Bella," Edward's voice broke when he said my name. "I will never give you another reason to doubt how I feel about you. I will spend the rest of my life giving you everything you need from me. I just have to ask you to trust me on this."

I reluctantly sat up and looked at him. "Trust you on what?"

His fingers gently brushed away the tears on my face. "I can't just leave her there. I've been a recovering addict and I know how hard it is."

Shaking my head, I pulled away from him and tried to stand up.

"Bella, please stop."

"Why?" I asked him. "I'm sitting here telling you that my heart is fucking broken because of this and you're asking me to trust you? To let you play nursemaid to your ex-girlfriend who nearly got you killed, twice! Why should I stop and listen to you? Why should I fucking care anymore?"

"Because if I wouldn't have had you, my family, and our friends then I probably _would_ be dead right now. I needed someone to believe that I could change, and right now so does Jane."

I crossed my arms across my chest and glared at him.

"I know that you don't have any reason to trust me." Edward shook his head. "But, Bella, I swear to God I will spend the rest of my life earning your trust back. I will make this up to you."

What the hell was I supposed to do here? I could run away and hide from everything that was happening. I could go back to Texas, pack my shit, and move out. I had every right to be mad but how I was supposed to tell him no, not to help someone that was alone, scared and broken. How was I supposed to make him walk away from this? We silently stared at each other, his eyes begging and mine questioning.

"If you ever lie to me again," I finally spoke. "I'll leave, Edward. From now on you tell me the truth about everything. I don't care if you think it will hurt me, you tell me everything. There are no more secrets between us."

He nodded his head. "I promise."

Edward stood up and I didn't stop him from hugging me to his body. I leaned my head against his chest and held on to his waist.

"I wanna go home," I told him. "I'm fucking tired and seriously need a shower."

Edward nodded against the top of my head. "Do you want me to stay with my Mom and Dad?"

"No. I want you to stay with me."

His lips kissed my forehead before I let him walk me back down the sidewalk. We got in Carlisle's car that was missing a mirror and had tried blood all over the front and back seats. Edward held my hand the entire way to the hotel but neither one of us said anything.

The second that the door to our room closed, I started striping out of my clothes. I threw all of them in the trash can, including my bra and panties. I turned the hot water on and was waiting for it to warm up when Edward came into the bathroom.

"Do you need help?" He asked quietly. "With your arm?"

I shook my head and looked down at the taped bandage that covered my skin. "She said I could shower as long as I didn't leave it under the water for too long."

He nodded and left me to finish. After I was washed and clean, I took two Tylenol PM and slipped my pajamas on. When I left the bathroom, Edward was sitting in the living area talking to someone. I assumed it was his father with the medical questions he was asking.

I crawled onto my side of the bed and shut my eyes. While I waited for the medication to kick in, I tried to reassure myself that this was the last time something like this would happen. My reassuring didn't work. I fell asleep with a nagging suspicion that all of this was far from over.

**AN: More thickening, like gravy. Did I just compare my story to gravy? Yup, I did. My Maggie has worked on 4 chapters in three days and not killed me for changing stuff after she fixes them (all typos are my fault) so big hugs for her. I know FF (dot) net has jacked up some of the chapters. I have no idea how to fix the situation. Just keep refreshing the page and eventually it might work. If not, let me know and I'll email you the chapters you can't open.**


	33. Until I Fall Away

**Still not mine but the Gin Blossoms did tweet to me a while back. That made me excited. They're one of my favorite bands from the 90's. **

"**I want to tell if I am or am not myself. It's hard to know how far or if at all to go. I've waited far too long for something I forgot was wrong. I don't know all the answers, I think that I'll find or have them within the time. But it's all that I'll have in mind. Until I fall away, I don't know what to do anymore." Until I Fall Away, the Gin Blossoms**

Things were all wrong. My life was all wrong. He was wrong. They were wrong. Everything was just wrong.

I stared at the ceiling and listened to Edward's quiet phone call with his father. Neither one of us had slept very much last night. I'd started crying and Edward had tried to comfort me. I got so tired of his apologies that I had to ask him to leave me alone. He'd spent the rest of the night on the couch. I'd spent the rest of the night trying to understand how he could do this to me.

The lies were one thing, and honestly not even the worst part of what had happened. It was his blatant disregard for my feelings, for our relationship… for me. I'd never felt more alone or unwanted when there was someone lying right next to me.

I thought he loved me. I thought that we were past all of this bullshit. Isn't this what we had both struggled and fought for? Wasn't this what we both wanted? How could he just lie to me? Why was it so easy for him to walk away, leaving me in that apartment?

When I heard Edward ending his phone call with Carlisle, I quickly brushed my cheeks off and waited for him to come into the bedroom. If he was going to the hospital, then he would need clothes. His suitcase was sitting next to mine, right beside the bed. Edward's head carefully peaked around the corner. I looked at him for a second before focusing back on the ceiling.

"Did you sleep at all?" He quietly asked.

I shook my head.

"Do you want breakfast? Coffee?"

Again, I shook my head.

Edward nodded slowly and stayed leaning against the doorway, looking at the floor. I traced over the wrinkles on the sheets, smoothing them out one by one.

"How is she?" I finally asked.

I don't know why I was asking. I didn't really care. What had happened to her was sad, but she'd done it to herself. She didn't just take sixty thousand dollars without thinking about what could happen. She was lucky Aro hadn't killed her.

"She'll be okay." He moved away from the door and carefully sat on the bed.

When he realized I wasn't going to tell him to go away, he lay on his side, facing me. I kept my eyes on the ceiling.

"They broke three of her ribs," he softly continued his answer to my question. "Her arm was broken in two difference places and they dislocated her pelvis. Some of her facial bones were fractured."

I swallowed thickly. "How long will she be in the hospital?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "Dad said it could be a month or more. It just depends on how long it takes for her body to heal."

After a _very_ pregnant pause, I looked at him. "I can't stay in Seattle for another month, Edward."

If I went going back to Texas by myself, I could nearly guarantee that that would be the beginning of our end. I wasn't going to stay here and wait while he nursed her back to health. I just couldn't.

Edward shook his head. "We're leaving next weekend, just like we were always going to. I'm not going to ask you stay here or go back to Texas alone."

I felt my face contort as I tried to keep myself from crying but it didn't work. Edward carefully wrapped an arm around me and I moved towards his body. He didn't say anything while I cried against his chest, just ran his fingers through the back of my hair.

"I'm sorry," he eventually whispered against the top of my head. I didn't have the energy to tell him to stop.

xXxXxXx

Something heavy was on top of me. My neck hurt, I was thirsty, and I really needed a bathroom.

I slowly opened my eyes and tried to focus on the object closest to me. It was Edward's arm. I groaned and looked in the other direction only to find Edward's head on my pillow, right next to me, still asleep. He was practically lying on top of me, his chest pressed against my back and his arm lying on the bed next to mine. I shifted under his weight which thankfully made him roll over onto his back.

Looking at the clock, I realized that we both must have fallen asleep while I was crying. It was past noon now. It took me a second to become lucid enough to get out of the bed, and once I had, I stumbled my way into the bathroom. God, my reflection was atrocious. I blinked against the florescent light, and did what I had to do without looking at the mirror above the sink.

"Bella?" Edward's groggy voice asked.

I spit out the toothpaste in my mouth. "I'm in the bathroom."

I heard him moving around in the bedroom and hurried to get out of his way. He'd probably want a shower before he went to the hospital. I pulled my hair up into a messy knot on the top of my head and opened the door.

"I'm don-" I stopped talking when I ran into Edward's chest.

His hands held on to my waist and the angry, bitter part of me wanted to push him away. But then I felt his hands sliding up my back and his lips on my forehead. I leaned against him, rubbing my cheek against his chest. It was comforting to have him holding me.

"I really am sorry, Bella."

I shook my head and slowly pushed away from him. "Stop apologizing to me, Edward."

He let go of me and nodded his head. I hated that he looked so damn rejected.

"I get that you're sorry, okay? And I believe you."

"But?" He asked quietly.

"But actions speak louder than words, Edward. And trust isn't regained overnight." I started to walk around him when Edward held on to my arm. I stopped and looked at him.

"I love you," he said quietly. "And I meant what I said last night. I'll do whatever I have to, to make you never doubt that again."

xXxXxXx

A hotel bar didn't get much action in the middle of the day. There were a few people having late lunches, but for the most part, I was alone. No one paid any attention to the fact that I was sitting behind the piano with a glass full of vodka on the bench next to me.

It had been years since I'd had a drink, but somewhere between the time Edward left to go to the hospital and me ignoring Alice, Jasper and Rosalie's phone calls, I decided it might be a good idea to just have one. That was over an hour ago. The glass was still full and the alcohol was watered down.

"You need a refill?

The voice behind me was familiar but I ignored it. Instead, I let my hands slide over the piano keys.

"Are you seriously going to ignore us forever, Bella?"

I took a deep breath while Jasper walked around the side of piano. He took the glass off of the bench, waved a waiter over and gave the glass back.

"Two iced teas, please."

I shook my head as the waiter walked away. "You think a conversation over iced tea is going to fix this, J? Because I'll tell you right now, you can take that tea and shove it up your ass."

He smiled before pulling a chair next to the piano and sitting down. "It got you to speak to me didn't it?"

I looked up at my oldest friend. "I'm serious, Jasper. What are you doing here?"

"Look," he leaned forward. "I'm sorry, okay? We didn't know what was going on until Edward called Alice and asked her to meet him at the bank. I tried to talk him out of it, everyone did."

"And none of you felt the need to call me?" I snapped. "I'm not a child, Jasper! I'm his fucking girlfriend and if _anyone_ should have known what was going on, it should have been me!"

"He made us promise-"

I shook my head and interrupted him. "Fuck your promise, Jasper!"

Pushing away from the piano, I ignored the waiter bringing our damn tea and walked back to the elevators. The thing was way too fucking slow and gave Jasper a chance to catch up with me. When the doors opened, he got inside with me and punched the number to my floor. I leaned back against the wall.

If he wanted a peaceful conversation, then he was coming to the wrong place. I might have kept my voice down in the bar but if he was following me inside things were going to get ugly. We remained silent until the door to the room shut behind Jasper.

"I thought I was protecting you," he said calmly. "We all did."

I shook my head. "And what if something would have happened to him? Did any of you think about that? I mean, for fuck's sake Jasper! Put yourself in my shoes! What if this was Alice? What if she had been the one to walk into a situation like that and then you find out that _everyone_ knew she had been planning it! How would you feel?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets.

"It's humiliating! You would feel humiliated and overlooked and…and…abandoned! You would feel like you weren't good enough, all over again! You would feel like your entire world was on the verge of being taken away from you!" I screamed at him.

Jasper took a step towards me when I started crying. I took a step backwards and he stopped.

"It was hard enough to sit there and see him with her! It hurt enough to see him ignoring the fact that I was even in the same fucking room! Then to just make things worse, I find out that all of my friends knew about it, too! All of you fucking lied to me, Jasper!"

"Bella, please just calm down. Okay?" He took another step towards me. "You have every right to be mad. No one is saying you don't."

"Mad?" I laughed at him. "Being mad is the least of my problems, Jasper. I'm… hurt and…and…scared. I'm confused and just…tired. I'm tired of struggling."

This time when Jasper moved forward to hug me, I didn't stop him. He was right, I was mad and I had every right to be mad, but the anger didn't worry me as much as the fear did.

xXxXxXx

It had been two days and things still sucked. I'd been given so many apologies that they were all starting to blend together. I just nodded my head when someone would tell me they were sorry and move on. Maybe it was shitty of me, but I didn't want to hear it. Their apologies didn't change what happened or made me feel any better about the situation.

"How's the arm?"

"It's okay." I shrugged at Jasper's question and continued to open the ridiculous amount of boxes that contained all of the gifts Rosalie and Emmett had gotten at their baby shower.

We, meaning everyone but Edward and Carlisle who were still at the hospital, were helping to get last minute pre-baby things done around Rosalie and Emmett's house. The boys were putting together an obnoxiously huge stroller while Rosalie was sorting out baby clothes to be washed. Alice sat next to me opening boxes of baby bottles, pacifiers, and toys that had to be sterilized before they were deemed "ready" by the mother hen in the house- Esme. She was in the kitchen using every ounce of hot water that they had to wash anything and everything that an infant might even think about shoving in their mouth.

For the most part everyone had ignored the obvious elephant in the room. Other than a polite "have you heard from Edward," no one had mentioned anything about the whole Jane situation. They also hadn't mentioned anything about the fact that Edward had been at the damn hospital to sit with her since before the sun had risen today. I opened another box of teething rings and tried to bite back the bitterness that sat in my stomach.

Alice's elbow hit mine to get my attention. "We're still having Edward's party, right?"

I shook my head. "I don't really know if that would be appropriate."

"Why?" Emmett asked. "Might be a good distraction for everyone."

Rosalie gave me a sympathetic look but remained quiet.

"He hasn't had a real birthday party since he was…" Alice shrugged and looked back at me. "When was the last party Edward had?"

"Twenty-first," Jasper answered. "That was the last birthday party he had."

I ignored all of their talking and went back to the boxes in front of me. It wasn't that I didn't want to celebrate Edward's birthday, I just didn't think that a big party was what he would want.

"It could be fun," Esme added to the conversation. "And everything is already planned."

Alice sat up on her knees and looked at me. "Please, Bella."

I tossed the empty box towards the trash can and set the pacifiers I'd opened in the "to be washed" pile. "I don't know why you're asking my permission. This is Edward's birthday."

"Will you still participate if we do it? You know it wouldn't be the same without the three of us." Alice motioned to Rosalie. "We've already gotten everything ready, Bella."

I just nodded my head and kept working. If I'd opened my mouth, I am sure my response would have been something along the lines of "fuck you and this fucking party." I didn't want to cause more problems than what we already had.

The sound of a car pulling into the driveway was both calming and nerve wracking. On one hand I really wanted Edward with me, and on the other hand, my initial reaction to seeing him coming back from the hospital was never good. It made me jealous, angry and hurt all over again. I would unintentionally be cold towards him, which then made him feel guilty. That made a small part of my subconscious happy and another part disgusted. I hated not knowing which way was up or down. I was tired of not knowing if Edward and I would ever be okay again. I hated all of this.

The front door opened and I reluctantly looked to see who it was. Edward shut the door behind him while brushing rain drops off of his face. He gave me a tentative smile as he walked into the living room.

"Hi honey. " Esme patted his cheek before grabbing more baby crap to wash.

He slowly sat down next to me, kissing the top of my head, before picking up a box of baby bottles to unpack. No one asked about Jane or when Carlisle would be home. Instead, they started a conversation about college football that ended up developing into playful argument between Alice and Emmett. It was a nice distraction and I was glad it had kept everyone from watching the two of us.

"I missed you," Edward said quietly.

I nodded without looking at him. "Me too."

Emmett stepped over both of our legs and leaned down to kiss Rosalie. They gave each other stupid smiles while his hand rubbed circles on her pregnant belly. It was very sweet and very annoying. I sighed before pulling my knees up to my chest. When was the last time Edward and I had kissed? Really, kissed? We'd had sex at his parent's house. Was that the last time?

I slightly shook my head, frustrated that I couldn't even remember. Everything had been overshadowed, looking small and unimportant. It was defiantly sad that I couldn't remember the last time I'd kissed my boyfriend. Tears made my eyes burn but I quickly blinked them away.

I sat with Edward's family and our friends for another two hours, faking a normalcy that nobody believed. I shoved food around my plate and avoided conversation during dinner. When we finally left, I sat in the car with my hands in my lap. Edward and I didn't talk; instead we were both lost in whatever thoughts we had.

Edward was emptying his pockets on the dresser when I sat down on the edge of the bed. I watched him, sort of fascinated by the fact that he separated the change in his pocket into piles, grouping all of the same coins together. I wondered if he had always done that.

"It hurt."

He looked back at me, confused by my random statement. "What hurt?"

My hands slipped between my knees. "Watching you with her. I mean, I get it. She was seriously injured and it was a completely fucked up situation. But it hurt to feel like you didn't even see me, didn't care that I was standing there. It was like you didn't care."

Edward shook his head. "Bella, I was completely panicked. I didn't… I wouldn't-"

"Like I said," I interrupted. "I get it. But it still hurt."

He slowly walked towards me, I'm guessing to make sure I wouldn't tell him to go away, and kneeled down in front of me. His hands rested on top of my thighs, his thumbs rubbing small circles against the fabric covering my legs.

"I see you, Bella." His voice was quiet and apologetic.

My fingers gently touched his lips.

xXxXxXx

I hadn't wanted Edward's party to be a big deal, but when he had given Alice permission to plan it, I knew it would end up being a production. I wasn't wrong. While Edward was, once again, at the hospital with Jane, I'd spent the afternoon with Alice and Rosalie trying to get our shit together for the party. I know that Alice hadn't known, months ago, that any of shit would happen. If she had then she probably wouldn't have planned anything this big. But invitations had gone out, food had been ordered and plans had been made. There really wasn't any going back now. The fact that I had to dress up didn't make my outlook any brighter. I hated the costume she'd had made, hated that I wasn't excited about Edward's birthday, and hated that I was turning into a resentful bitch.

I sighed while opening the door to our hotel room and stopped just inside the doorway when I saw Edward sitting on the couch waiting for me.

He looked just as tired as I was. "Hey."

"You're back early." I threw the keycard on to the table.

"Yeah," he patted the space next to him. "I wanted to talk to you about some stuff."

"What?" I asked hesitantly. He gave me a reassuring smile as I sat down.

"When Jane's out of the hospital she'll have to go to a drug rehabilitation center." I nodded and he continued. "I want to pay for it."

My initial response was to tell him he'd paid for enough, but then I remembered that Jane was alone. Other than her roommate, who wasn't a great example of someone with their life together, she didn't have anyone to help her. She didn't have family and all of her "friends" were drug addicts or dealers.

I sighed before looking up at him. "And what about when she's done with rehab? Are you going to buy her a house and find a job for her?"

God I sounded so bitter and I didn't really mean to, but eventually she would have to stand on her own. If Edward was planning on supporting her for the rest of her life then I wouldn't be able to do this. Helping her now was one thing, continuing to help her for years to come was an entirely different story. I didn't want her to constantly be a part of our lives.

"There are some decent halfway houses that the center supports. They're in Utah so that would keep her away from Seattle. I'd probably give her a little money to start out with, but no, after that she would have to stand on her own."

"It's ultimately your money, Edward. If you feel like this is something you have to do, then do it. But if she's going to be coming back every few years looking for a hand out and constantly asking for help… I can't do that." I made sure he was looking at me before I continued. "If she's going to be a continuous part of you life then I can't be. I won't be."

"There isn't a choice between the two of you, Bella. She's someone that needs my help but you're… You're my life."

And I didn't need his help? I didn't deserve his time and attention? I looked down at the small space between us and sighed. "I want to believe you. But how do I know that this won't happen again? How do I know that… Edward I can't keep doing this. How do I know that this won't keep happening?"

His finger slid under my chin, and lifted it to that I was looking at him. "You'll have to trust me. I know you don't right now, but I will never give you another reason to not to, Bella. I promise."

God, I wish I could believe him. At this moment, there wasn't anything I wanted more. It was so strange to still be completely in love with him but be so angry and hurt at the same time. I didn't want him near me but I couldn't bear to see him go. I wanted him to hold me and promise me that everything would work out, that we would be okay. But I was still so bitter.

"Please tell me what you're thinking."

I pulled is hand away from my face and held it in my lap. He watched me as I slowly shook my head.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Edward. I'm tired of being confused and mad. I don't want to be scared that this is something we can't move past. I'm sick of wondering if things will ever be okay for us. Will we ever have… just a normal relationship?"

His eyes were so sad it made it hard to look at him.

"Losing you isn't an option, Bella. I'm not letting go of this, of you. I'll do whatever I have to, to make this work. I'll give you whatever you want-"

"I just want you!" I said exasperatedly. "That's all I've ever wanted! But if having you means that I have to deal with being lied to or ignored and forgotten, then I don't want it. I want to be able to look at you and know, without a doubt, that our relationship is what _you_ want."

"You are what _I_ want, Bella. You're… everything to me!" Edward argued.

"Then why was it so easy for you to put yourself in a situation that could have so easily destroyed us? Why was it Alice and Rosalie that you considered and not me? Why was I so easy to ignore and then yell at when you're the one that lied to me?" I shook my head. "If I'm everything to you then why do I feel like nothing?"

He didn't have an answer. I didn't really expect one anyway.

"Are you…" Edward took a deep breath before looking me again. "Are you thinking of leaving?"

I looked down at the floor. "I don't know. I don't… want to leave you. But I don't want to keep going in circles. I just don't think I have enough fight left in me to keep doing this, to keep struggling."

"And what if I fight for you? For both of us?"

His tone of voice made me look up at him. Edward's jaw was set, his eyes hard. I swallowed and slightly shook my head.

"I don't kno-"

"Because I will, Bella. I'll spend every day of the rest of my life fighting to keep this together if that's what you need." His hand squeezed mine. "Just don't give up on us. Please."

I closed my eyes and his free hand gently held the side of my face as he kept pleading. I held on to his wrist, not sure if I was trying to pull his hand away or keep it where it was.

"Please," Edward whispered. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine. "I can't… without you…"

Once again, I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my face. My heart was aching, feeling like it was being torn into pieces. But when his thumb gently wiped the tears away from my eyes I realized that even though he was the reason I hurt, he was also the one person who could put me back together. I swallowed thickly and took a shuttering breath.

"Tell me you won't lie to me anymore," I whispered.

He didn't hesitate. "I won't lie or hide things from you, ever again."

"Promise me that you'll never make me feel like I'm nothing to you. That I won't ever feel like you can't see me."

His lips gently kissed my face. "You are everything to me. You're everything I see. Bella, there will never, _ever_, be anyone but you. And I swear to God that I will never make you doubt that, ever again."

I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. "Promise me, Edward."

"I promise that I will spend every day of my life proving that you aren't nothing to me. I promise I will make sure that you know that I see you, that I need you. And that I love you."

Slowly, I pulled his hand away from my face. He watched me as I held his palm against my chest, directly over my heart.

"Do you feel that?" I asked him.

He nodded, keeping his eyes on mine.

I whispered, "Please don't break it again."

**AN: And the ending I wanted to put was "Please don't break it again or I will punch your face" I thought it would be too over the top though. Some of you will be pissed and feel like she gave in too easily... some of you will be happy... some of you will just not care one way or another. Either way let me know what ya think!**


	34. After the Storm

**Nope, still don't own Twilight.**

"**And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. And now I cling to what I knew. I saw exactly what was true. That's why I hold with all I have." After the Storm, Mumford & Sons**

It took a few seconds for me to fully wake up, recognizing the familiar weight of Edward's body. His arm was around my waist and his breath fanned against my neck. I stared at the wall next to me and remembered that today wasn't just another day, it was Edward's birthday.

I rolled over onto my side so that I was facing him, and whispered his name. He mumbled something before rubbing his face against the pillow and opening one eye to look at me.

"Happy birthday," I said quietly.

"Mmm." Edward stretched his arms. "Thank you."

He smiled before running the tip of his finger down the bridge of my nose. A part of my bitter subconscious still wanted to pull away from him, still wanted to be mad, but holding on to that when I'd already made the decision to move forward, wasn't what we needed. Things were still awkward between us the past few days. Touches were unsure and hesitant. Playful tendencies were few and far between, and definitely weird when they did happen. Like everything else, it was just doing to take time to mend. So I returned the smile he was giving me and hoped it didn't seem forced. As it turns out, I didn't have to worry because we were interrupted by the phone ringing. He groaned before rolling onto his back and picking his phone up.

"Hello?"

Emmett's voice was so loud I could hear him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASSHOLE!"

I couldn't help but laugh when the two of them started bickering. I laid there and waited for him to finish the call. It didn't do much good; seconds after he hung up Esme called. Then there was Alice and eventually Carlisle. The last phone call was surprisingly short.

"Next year, I'm turning my phone off for the entire day."

"Well then they would all just show up where you are and tell you in person. A phone call is way better than Emmett showing up at six in the morning," I reasoned.

He yawned and nodded his head. "Very true."

"When are you leaving?" I hated brining up the subject. But at some point today we would have to deal with it. "I have to go help Alice and Rosalie get ready but if you wanted to-"

"I'm not going to the hospital today," Edward interrupted.

I stared at him. "You aren't?

He shook his head. "I was kind of hoping that maybe I could spend the day with you. If you weren't busy, I mean. I know Alice needs help later on but I dunno, I thought it would be nice."

I slowly nodded. "Yeah. It would be."

Edward rolled back onto his side before his fingers carefully tucked loose hair behind my ear. When he spoke, his voice was a quiet whisper. "We could go get breakfast, then just spend the day doing whatever you wanted."

"But it's your birthday, Edward. We should do what you want."

He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "Spending time with you _is_ what I want."

xXxXxXx

"Do you miss this?"

I nodded while trying to keep my hair from blowing all around my face. "I'll never forget how incredible it was to see the ocean for the first time. Jasper brought me here on my first day in Seattle. I remember I just stood there crying because it was just… so much."

The two of were standing against the wooden railing of the pier that stretched along the waterfront. It was still early and a cool wind whipped around us. We'd had breakfast at Edward's favorite greasy diner, where he consumed more pancakes than I ever would have thought possible, then after getting coffee, had wandered out here. In our younger days, we would come down to the pier to talk or escape. I held the paper coffee cup in both of my hands while we stood in silence, watching the waves move back and forth and smiling at some of the memories this place offered.

"Do you miss Seattle?" I asked after few minutes of silence.

Edward sighed, making me look at him. I watched as he leaned forward, looking down into the water. "I miss stupid parts of it."

"Like?"

Edward smiled before turning around, resting his back against the railing. "I miss how the rain smells here. It's totally different than how it smells in Texas."

I couldn't help but laugh. "That's because rain in Texas smells like dirt."

"Seattle is just different." Edward's eyes followed a bird that was flying in the distance, while mine just watched him. We remained quiet for a minute before he nodded towards the coffee cup I was holding. "It was a total coincidence that I met Jasper at that coffee shop. Bauhaus was completely out of the way from his apartment. He just happened to show up that night."

I looked down at the cup and then back to him.

Edward pushed his hair off his forehead and smiled. "If Jasper and I wouldn't have met then I never would have introduced him to Alice. Then she never would have been so fucking persistent about the two of us meeting. She wouldn't have made you dress up and basically shoved you in my direction at that Halloween party."

I rolled my eyes at the mention of that hideous costume. "Yeah, I'll be sure to thank her for making me look like a complete idiot the first time I met you."

He shook his head. "What I mean is it's like… Seattle reminds me of so much of my past. The good and the bad, you know? But I've had so much time to just think lately, really think, and I finally understand what you meant."

"Meant about what?" Again, I tried to stop my hair from flying around my face.

Edward's hand trapped the strands between his fingers and carefully moved them behind my ear. My eyes closed when his fingers lingered on my neck. He leaned in to me, close enough that I could feel his breath against my ear.

"The past is the past for a reason," he said quietly. "And the only thing I want to focus on, from now on, is my future with you."

When he moved closer, my body instinctively turned towards him. His hips pushed mine back against the pier railing before his arms gathered me to his chest. My arms wrapped around his sides, holding him to me, while Edward rested his chin on the top of my head.

"Edward." My voice was quiet, hardly carrying over the sound of the water.

He answered with out letting go of me. "Yeah?"

"If I…" I stopped to think about what I was trying to say. "I think that I need to apologize to you."

Edward's arms loosened around my shoulders before he leaned back to look at me. "For what?"

"I never meant to make you feel like you had to be perfect for me," I slowly answered. "If I… said or did anything that made you feel like you weren't good enough or…"

He shook his head. "You didn't. I just-"

"I love you," I interrupted him. "I loved you when you were just some cute guy that I was trying to get to notice me and teach me how to play the piano. I… loved you when you absolutely pissed me off or annoyed me. I loved you when you were just singing out here, thinking that you wouldn't ever be more than that. Through all of your great ideas and idiotic decisions, all of your mistakes and failures… I loved _you_. Not who I thought you could be or who I thought you were… but _you_. And that won't ever change."

Edward was silent as he looked down at me, while his eyes studied my face slowly.

"I'll love you forever," he whispered. "And _that_ won't ever change either."

My eyes closed as he pulled me back against his chest. I took a deep breath, savoring how much it felt like home. The sea water, the wet wood, the trees and grass… and mostly Edward, they all smelled like home.

Standing on the pier that morning I realized three things. The first: Austin might have been where he lived but it definitely wasn't home. I wanted to move back to Seattle. Second: even if a part of me was still bitter and resentful, even if Edward was willing to reassure me every single day that he loved me, _I_ had to make the choice to believe it, believe him. And third: I couldn't believe him if I couldn't let go of what had happened. Forgiving didn't mean forgetting, but it did mean letting go of the anger and hurt and taking a step in the right direction, together.

I squeezed Edward's sides before letting him go.

"Why are you smiling like that?" He looked down at me and laughed.

I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "Because I can."

xXxXxXx

"My head feels heavy," I complained.

Rosalie nodded in agreement. "I feel like if I didn't have a huge belly to balance things out, I might be top heavy and not in the boobage sort of way."

The two of us were standing in front of a mirror, staring at the made up reflections that really didn't look anything like the real us. Our eyes were lined with thick black eyeliner; our lips covered in a pale pink lipstick, and our hair piled high on top of our heads into a bouffant. I carefully reached up and touched my hair, only to frown when I felt how stiff it was.

"This is going to take forever to wash out," I complained again.

"Yup," Rosalie sighed. "Alice is lucky; all she has is a wig."

Speak of the devil. Alice walked in with her wig all piled high on top of her head, looking utterly ridiculous. She had a garment bag thrown over her arm while tottering towards us in a dress that was supposed to resemble something The Supremes would wear, which instead looked like something Mrs. Roper from Three's Company would have picked. They were horrid.

"Tell me again why we let her pick who we would dress up as." Rosalie took her dress, which matched Alice's, and shook her head.

"I actually voted against it," I argued. "I wanted to go as Janis Joplin. But no, we have to go as The Supremes, because it will be 'so much fun'."

"The Supremes were one of the first female groups to make a name for themselves in a time when men were really the only musical acts around, unless you went to church, then you could only sing in the choir." Alice argued. "There were three of them and three of us. It totally makes sense and the costumes are fun!"

I wanted to argue that during the entire decade of the sixties, The Supremes were not who I would describe as most influential. I also wanted to tell her that while throwing Edward a party that centered around music from the sixties was a great idea, that didn't mean that we all had to dress up as someone from that era. But, I was beginning to feel like an ungrateful bitch, so I just applied more pale lipstick and kept my mouth shut.

"Besides," Alice added. "When you see Edward's costume, you'll totally thank me."

I rolled my eyes when she couldn't see me and stepped into the damn muumuu of a dress. She zipped the back of up while Rosalie turned around in the mirror, looking at her reflection.

"This isn't half bad really." Her hands rested on her stomach. "It's actually kind of comfortable."

I smiled while putting on my shoes. At least the pregnant lady was happy.

After we had dressed and were able to sufficiently walk without toppling over, Rosalie and I were trying to help Alice finish the last minute details. I was in the middle of fixing a centerpiece when two hands held on to my waist.

"I would kiss the back of your head, but I'm scared I might hurt myself."

I started laughing while turning around to make my own snarky comment about the massive amount of hairspray that had been used in creating the disaster on top of my head, but stopped when I saw what Edward was wearing.

"Leather pants?" I asked quietly. The loose button up shirt didn't really hide much of the view.

"Part of the costume." He lazily shrugged his shoulders. "These actually fit, and uh, yeah. I am better prepared this time around."

I nodded slowly. "Well, Jim Morrison was famous for his leather pants."

Edward laughed. "I picked him because of the music, not because of the way he looked in leather pants."

I reached up and touched his messy hair that was now a dark brown color. "Will this wash out?"

"Yeah." His eyes looked up at the mass of hair that was coated in flammable chemicals that sat on my head. "Will that?"

His hand carefully touched my hair, it was sad that I couldn't feel it. He made a face that obviously meant he didn't like how it felt.

I laughed before turning back to the table and finishing the center piece. "I'll probably have to spend the next three days in the shower, washing and conditioning my hair. You'll have to go back to Austin without me."

Edward's hands settled back on my hips, while his body moved behind mine. His lips were against my neck, just under my ear, and I completely stopped moving. The contours of his body pressed against mine and those leather pants didn't leave very much to the imagination.

"If you're going to be in a shower for three days," he whispered, "then I'm sure as hell going to be in there with you."

He kissed my ear before letting me go. It took a second for me to regain some sense of composure. I looked over my shoulder in time to find Edward walking towards Emmett and Jasper. He looked back at me, smiled that damn cocky smile, and then turned back around.

The playfulness was back.

xXxXxXx

"Bella, come on!"

I shook my head while Alice pulled me towards her. She ignored me, along with Rosalie, and both of them started swaying back and forth while singing along with the song that was playing.

"But it's the Supremes!" Rosalie yelled over the music.

I gave Edward a traitorous glare when he helped Alice and gave me a shove in their direction. He just shrugged and smiled, crossing his arms over his chest, and watching while we made complete fools of ourselves.

"Don't act like you don't know the words," Alice started snapping her fingers. "I know you do."

People were stopping, watching while the three of us moved along with the music. I shook my head, completely embarrassed.

"Some day, we'll be together. Yes we will. Yes we will." Alice sang loudly.

My face had to be radiating waves of humiliation, especially when the two idiots standing next to me, started some sort of unorganized side to side step motion. I helplessly looked up at Edward, only to find him laughing with Jasper and Emmett. Rosalie grabbed my arm to make me turn, and I politely raised my middle finger at the three jackasses laughing at us.

"Hey!" Emmett protested.

Alice, who was obviously the Diana Ross of the group, took center stage and started singing the rest of the lyrics. Rosalie and I stayed behind her, trying to keep from laughing while continuing our side to side swaying.

In an attempt to do some sort of twirl, Alice's arm accidently hit the wig that was sitting on top of her head, it fell to the floor and sat her feet looking like some sort of pathetic animal. She stopped dancing and looked down.

"Well shit." Her voice carried through the room which led to several people laughing.

Alice kicked the thing out of her way before continuing the song. I snorted, while Rosalie erupted into a fit of obnoxious giggles. Her laughter ended up being contagious because a few seconds later, we were both holding onto each other, laughing like hyenas.

Guests eventually started resuming their previous activities, leaving the three of us to wallow in our hysterics privately.

"It isn't _that_ funny." Alice's mouth was twitching in an effort to not join us.

"I know but I… I can't… stop!" Rosalie shook her head. "I just… ju-"

Her voice stopped and her grip tightened on my arm.

"What?" I asked her, still laughing. "Did you send yourself into labor with all of the dancing and laughing?"

Rosalie looked up at me, her eyes wide with worry. "I think… yeah. I think so."

"You're in labor?" Alice yelled.

Emmett's voice carried across the room. "What?"

In a split second, we were surrounded by people trying to help. Emmett had his arms wrapped around Rosalie's body and I could have sworn he was on the verge of picking her up and running out of the room.

"Alright," Carlisle said calmly. "Everyone calm down."

Emmett helped Rosalie to a chair, where she slowly sat down. Carlisle kneeled down in front of her.

"It isn't time yet," she said quietly. "We were going to be induced... I mean… we…"

Emmett kissed her hand that he was holding. "It'll be okay, babe."

Carlisle nodded his head before holding on to wrist, obviously checking her pulse. "These could just be false contractions."

She shook her head. "No, these feel different."

"Maybe we should go to the hospital," Esme said quietly. She was stroking Rosalie's hair. "Just to be on the safe side."

After a few seconds Carlisle stood up. "I think that would be best. Esme, why don't you help Emmett get Rosalie in the car. I'll call the hospital and let them know you're on your way. They'll call Dr. Brewer and let him know what's going on."

Emmett didn't hesitate before gently lifting Rosalie out of the chair and carrying her out of the room. Esme followed, looking worried.

"You should stay," Carlisle turned to us. "Enjoy the rest of the party. I'll call you when we know someth-"

"Are you kidding?" Edward shook his head. "I'm going to the hospital."

"It could be nothing, son."

He shook his head. "I'm going."

"Me too," I held on to Edward's hand. "Everyone will understand."

Alice nodded. "You go and Jasper and I will stay here to sort things out. We'll meet you at the hospital."

We rode with Carlisle, Edward and I completely silent while his father tried to reassure us that things like this were normal. I bit my lip and hated the fact that his commentary did nothing to soothe my nerves.

xXxXxXx

"We look a bit silly."

I smiled at Esme's words and looked around the waiting room. It was filled with people dressed in various costumes. Once it was confirmed that Rosalie had in fact gone into labor, we had all been camped out, waiting for the baby to arrive. That was three hours ago.

"My first grandchild is being born and I'm dressed like this." Edward's mother looked down at her Doris Day-ish dress and shook her head. "At least the pictures will be interesting."

"How long does this take?" Edward groaned. He was pacing around the room with his hands set on his hips.

Esme laughed. "I was in labor with Emmett for twelve hours."

Edward looked at the clock on the wall and shook his head. "We only have two hours left."

"Left till what?" Alice asked.

"Till midnight. If this kid and I are going to share a birthday, they're going to have to hurry."

Another hour passed and the waiting continued. Carlisle and Esme quietly talked, and answered the frequent phone calls from Rosalie's parents who were making the long drive to Seattle. Alice was curled up on the couch with her head leaned against Jasper's leg and her eyes shut. He was reading a magazine while running his fingers through her short hair.

"Twenty minutes," Edward mumbled.

I kissed his shoulder before he gave me a sad smile. I squeezed his hand that I was holding in my lap. "What's wrong?"

He shrugged. "I just think it would be really cool if we had the same birthday."

"Well," I sighed. "Maybe the baby doesn't want to share with you."

Edward smiled before pulling my hand to his mouth and kissing it.

We hadn't ever planned on being in Seattle when his brother and sister-in-law had their baby, but it was easy to realize that if we hadn't of been here, we both would have regretted it. There was some weird anticipation that bordered on worry and excitement, while the six of sat in the waiting room counting down the time that passed.

Edward sighed. "Five minutes."

I squeezed his and watched the second hand move around the clock on the wall. It had just gotten past the seven when a loud voice broke the silence that filled the room.

"I'm a dad!" Emmett yelled.

Everyone converged on him, asking a million questions that he only smiled at.

"Well?" Edward playfully hit his brother's shoulder. "What is it?"

"It's a baby."

Edward rolled his eyes while Esme hit Emmett's other shoulder. "A boy or a girl?"

"A boy," he said proudly. "A healthy boy, seven pounds, four ounces, and he was born at eleven fifteen."

Everyone started talking at once.

"That was nearly an hour ago!" Alice protested. "What the hell, Em."

He shrugged. "We wanted to spend a little time with him, alone."

Esme wiped the tears off of her cheeks and hugged her oldest son. "I'm so happy for you"

"I knew it was going to be a boy! Ask Bella, I called it months ago!" Edward pulled me against him, smiling from ear to ear.

"Can we see him? And Rosalie?" Carlisle asked.

Emmett nodded and led his mother and father down the hallway. Alice ran after them, followed by Edward. Jasper and I smiled at each other, hanging back and allowing their family to enjoy the time together.

A few yards away, Edward stopped and looked at me. "Why aren't you coming?"

He held his hand out for me and I shook my head. "We'll go in after you all have seen him."

"Oh come off it," Emmett called over his shoulder. "You two hurry the hell up!"

We both laughed and I ran to catch up, grabbing Edward's hand when I reached him.

xXxXxXx

"He looks exactly like Emmett did," Carlisle whispered. His lips kissed the mess of dark curls that were already covering the babies head. "Even has the dimples."

I handed Rosalie a glass of water while everyone fawned over the newest addition to the Cullen family. She smiled sleepily and held on to my hand.

"You and Edward can hold him," she said quietly. "Don't be scared."

Everyone but the two of us had held the baby. Jasper and Alice had looked extremely sure of themselves as they passed the tiny bundle back and forth, but Edward and I didn't really share the same confidence. I knew nothing about babies and I was sure he didn't either. We were both happy to look on while other people took the hands on responsibility.

Edward looked up from his spot next to his father, looking terrified, and shaking his head. "No, I'll just look."

"You'll 'just look' until he starts walking? I don't think so." Emmett carefully took the baby out of Carlisle's arms and moved towards his brother. "Come on. It's easier than you think."

"You'll be fine," Esme encouraged.

"I don't think this is-" Edward stopped talking when Emmett handed the baby to him.

Rosalie gave a tired laugh. "Use your arm to support his head."

I held my breath while Edward took the full weight of his nephew and held him close to his chest. His eyes were huge, wide with fear and excitement, but after a minute his posture relaxed as he looked down at the infant in his arms.

I watched him, completely entranced by the way he looked. I knew there was no way that either one of us would even begin to consider having a baby, but watching as he slowly walked around the room, cradling his nephew, made something inside of my chest flicker. It was a strange emotion, not something I had ever felt with him before.

Rosalie squeezed my hand and nodded her head towards Edward when I looked at her. His eyes looked up at me as I walked towards them, and the flickering emotion got stronger. I played with the fabric of my dress while I watched the two of them.

"It isn't as scary as I thought it would be," he said quietly.

I looked at the baby in his arms. "You're going to be a great dad someday, Edward."

He smiled. "You think so?"

When I nodded my head, he leaned forward and ignored my panicked expression, while passing his nephew to me. I stiffened and quietly prayed that someone, anyone, would realize that this wasn't a good idea. Unfortunately, no one came to my rescue. I bit my lip as Edward settled the baby in my arms and shook my head when he completely let go of him.

"Edward, I-"

He smiled before leaning forward and kissing my forehead. "And you're going to be a fantastic mother," his voice whispered.

My eyes looked up at him and the flickering emotion in my chest became a full fledged flame.

xXxXxXx

It was well past two in the morning by the time we got back to the hotel, and although we were both exhausted, I knew there was no way we would be able to fall asleep yet. I was in the bathroom trying to remove the hundreds of bobby pins from my hair, when Edward joined me. He leaned against the door frame and watched me for a minute.

"Do you need some help with your hair?"

I shook my head. "Do you need help with your pants? I don't think we have any scissors so you might be in trouble."

He smiled but didn't answer. His eyes kept watching me, even after I had gotten all of the pins out, and had started trying to brush through the tangles.

I shook my head at my reflection. "I'm going to have to wash all of this out."

My back was towards the door as I turned the water on in the shower and waited for it to heat up. I was about to pull my dress off when Edward moved behind me. He moved my hair off of my shoulder before kissing my neck and pulling me back against him.

"Let me help you," he whispered.

When I nodded, Edward slowly turned me to face him. My eyes looked up into his and follow his gaze when he looked down at his hand that was pressed against my chest, above my heart.

"Bella," his voice was hardly a whisper.

I couldn't say anything, but I knew that he could feel my breath quicken while my chest moved under his palm. His eyes looked back up at mine, and held my gaze, while his fingers reached behind me and found the zipper to my dress. As his fingers pulled at the small piece of metal, his body leaned towards mine.

My hands held his face, and gently guided him towards my mouth. The second that our lips touched everything became a frenzy. Our lips were greedy, as if trying to make up for the several days that had passed without them touching. Edward's hands held me against him, and I knew that even if I couldn't remember our last kiss before this, I would never be able to forget _this_ kiss.

**AN: I would say we have like, 3-4 chapters left for the actual story in BPOV. There will be some EPOV outtakes. Hope you liked it, if not, well… you can't make everyone happy.**


	35. Trust

**I don't own Twilight.**

"**Little girl be careful. There are people out there who'll steal your soul. You can't trust everyone. The more you suspect, the more you'll know." Trust, Old Canes**

"It's weird that he looks so much like you, Emmett." Edward shook his head while looking down at his nephew. "I mean like, really weird."

I looked over Edward's shoulder, watching as the baby's eyes looked around his uncle's face, and couldn't help but smile. He looked so comfortable with a baby in his arms, like it was the most natural thing in the world, even though until yesterday, he hadn't ever even thought about holding an infant.

"Maybe next time we'll have a girl." Emmett's enormous hand gently smoothed down his son's already curling hair. "And she'll look like Rosalie."

From the bed across the room, came a loud snort.

"Next time?" Rosalie laughed. "There will be no discussion of a 'next time' for at least four or five years."

Emmett started to say something, which was sure to be the _wrong_ thing, but was saved by Edward speaking over him.

"So, does this kid have a name yet? Or are you two still arguing over what it should be?"

"Well," Emmett said slowly, drawing out the word. "We actually wanted to talk to you about that."

We both looked up from the baby, to see Emmett sitting on the edge of Rosalie's bed. They were smiling stupid smiles while looking awfully pleased with themselves.

"What?" Edward immediately asked.

"We've thought about this a lot, and we decided to name him after you. The middle name anyway, because the idea of two Edward Cullen's running around is frightening." Rosalie laughed. "But we would like to name him Matthew Edward, if it's okay with you."

We watched while Edward looked down at the baby in his arms. It took a few seconds, but eventually, a huge smile spread across his face.

"You really want to name him after me?" He asked quietly.

Rosalie nodded, but it was Emmett that answered. "Yeah, but we also want to ask you guys to be his godparents."

"What?" Edward and I asked together.

He nervously looked at me, then back to his nephew. I stared at Rosalie and shook my head.

"This is… a huge…" I swallowed to stop my stuttering and tried again. "I don't know anything about children. I mean… what if…"

Rosalie slowly sat up. "This isn't something we just decided overnight. We've thought about this a lot."

"You're my only brother," Emmett looked at Edward. "And since Rosalie doesn't have any siblings, you're the only family he would have if something happened to us, besides the grandparents, obviously."

"Alice," Edward said quietly. His eyes were still looking at Mathew. "What about Alice and Jasper?"

Emmett shook his head. "I love Alice like a sister, but you're the one we want to do this." His eyes left Edward to look at me. "Both of you."

"We aren't even married, Emmett." I ignored Edward's head popping up and the heat that flooded my face when he looked at me. "Not that I would ever want this to happen, but what if… what if Edward and I break up?"

"It is only a matter of time before you two get married." Rosalie's gaze leveled with mine. "You know it just as well as we do. This game that the two of you have been playing for the past-"

"Fourteen years," Emmett interrupted.

Rosalie nodded. "Right, for the past fourteen years, will eventually lead you exactly where you should have been all along."

There wasn't really any point of arguing with them because it was true. I couldn't see myself with anyone else, and I knew that Edward felt the same way. We were inevitable and everyone knew it. But this was a huge responsibility. Not only were we going to become his guardians if something happened to Rosalie and Emmett, but we were also going to be responsible for helping shape his future. This went well beyond uncle and maybe-a-someday-aunt relationship. Godparents were supposed to be an example, supposed to lead them through troubled times and help guide them to make the right choices.

Emmett sighed, loudly. "Will you stop being so fucking emotional about shit and just say yes?"

"Emmett!" Rosalie slapped the back of his head. "Language!"

The two of them were still arguing when he looked over at me.

"What do you think?" Edward asked quietly.

His brother's loud voice made me smile. "He doesn't even know what fuck means, Rosalie!"

I moved closer to Edward, leaning my head on his shoulder while looking down at Matthew. He was still looking up at his uncle, not even fazed by his parent's bickering.

My hand reached over to carefully touch Matthew's fingers. "I think that we can't cause any more damage than what his parents will."

xXxXxXx

Rosalie and Emmett's house was alive with the sound of baby noises. The best part was that none of the noises were from the actual baby; they came from the adults that were sitting around him. Alice was holding some stuffed animal, making it tell some ridiculous story while Jasper tickled Matthew's stomach. He didn't seem very impressed with any of it.

Esme was sitting next to me on their couch, folding burp clothes and blankets. "For Matthew to look so much like Emmett, he acts a lot like Edward did."

"Always so serious," Carlisle added. "He would just look at you like you were crazy."

I smiled and watched through the back window as Edward helped Emmett finish grilling whatever we were having for dinner. Although all of us had argued that Rosalie and Emmett didn't need to have this family gathering at their house, they had insisted. We were leaving to go back to Austin tomorrow morning, and even though this was their first day at home with the new baby, Rosalie had refused to let us order pizza for our last meal in Seattle.

"Baby Matthew doesn't think that I'm crazy," Alice cooed. "He thinks Aunt Alice is a funny girl. Don't you, Matty?"

"Definitely thinks you're crazy." Edward walked through the backdoor, his hands full of dirty dishes. "But that's the usual consensus around here."

They started playfully arguing with each other, earning several eye rolls from Jasper and myself. They were being so loud that I hardly heard Edward's phone ringing. I picked it up, off of the coffee table, and held out for him. "Someone's calling you."

Edward shook his head and motioned to his hands that were shoved in a sink full of water. "Can you get it?"

I answered the phone but when Emmett walked through the door, and the sibling rivalry continued, I couldn't hear anything on the other end. "Hold on, please."

Sidestepping Emmett, I walked into the backyard and shut the door behind me. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Who is this?"

There was a long pause, making me think that whoever had called hung up. But before I could check the screen, a small voice said my name. "Bella?"

"Yes?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't recognize the voice or the number.

"This…"the girl on the phone took a deep breath. "This is Jane."

I stared at the back fence and tried not to drop the phone. My mind was racing, trying to deal with the fact that she had called Edward's phone and that Jane was attempting to have a conversation with me.

"B-Bella?" She asked again. "Are you there?"

I leaned back against the door. "Yes."

"I, um… I was expecting Edward to answer."

My eyes closed as I tried to fight off the hatred that filled my chest. "He's with his family and couldn't get to the phone."

"No, I mean…" She sighed. "I actually wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

Jane was quiet for several seconds. "Is there anyway you can come to the hospital? I'd like to talk to you, alone."

xXxXxXx

I was a stupid, hypocritical liar. I knew this was a bad idea, knew that meeting with Jane would only cause more harm than good. But did that stop me? Hell no. I'd hung up with her, gone back inside, lied to everyone about meeting up with Angela for a few minutes, and left. No one doubted my story or even tried to stop me. Hell, Edward didn't even notice that I'd taken his cell phone with me.

When I reached the door to Jane's room, I knocked twice before she told me to come in.

She looked slightly better than she had the last time I saw her, but still looked fragile and scared. Her face was covered in yellowing bruises while parts of her body were covered in plaster casts. Her eyes were the same though, the same wild blue that I'd always been so jealous of, stared back at me.

"Thank you for coming," she said quietly. "I was so worried that Edward would have answered, but I didn't know how else to get a hold of you. He probably wouldn't have wanted you to-"

My arms crossed across my chest. "What do you want?"

One of her hands fidgeted with the blanket on her lap. "Your father is a police officer, right?"

I nodded, wondering where the hell she was going with this.

"Edward, doesn't think it would be a good idea for me to talk to the police. He thinks that I should just forget what has happened and go on with my life." Her eyes stared at the foot of the bed while her fingers kept moving. "He thinks that even if they did arrest Aro and he was put in jail, there could still be consequences for going to the police."

"But?" I asked her.

"But," Jane finally looked up at me. "If I go to a police officer that I could trust…"

"My father's a police officer in Texas," I shook my head. "I doubt that he knows anyone in Seattle that could help you."

"What if I had proof that Aro was doing business in Texas?"

A memory from something Aro had said swirled though my mind. I swallowed thickly. "What kind of proof?"

Jane's hand slipped under her blanket. "They always remembered Edward, you know. Aro thought it was funny that a former client of his was now a famous musician, but he never thought twice about it. I mean, if he came forward to tell people that Edward was an addict that would only mean more heat for him."

My fingers dug into my skin while I waited for her to answer my question.

"But then Aro's cousin came to visit. His cousin showed Aro some video on Youtube and he immediately remembered who you were." She slowly shook her head. "Aro told him that he knew you and Edward."

I took a step closer to her bed. "Is he the one that leaked all of this shit about Edward?"

Jane's hand tightened around something under her blanket. "I didn't… You have to believe that I didn't tell them anything. Aro got mad when I told him I didn't know anything about you, or really anything about Edward, but they found out."

"They found out what? Who the hell is his cousin, Jane?"

Her hand pulled out from the blanket and I saw what she'd been holding on to. A cell phone was visible through her tiny fingers.

"I don't know his name," She slowly shook her head. "But I know that he knows someone you know, someone that would have been able to tell them things."

I watched as she carefully pushed a few buttons on her phone before handing it to me. My hand shook as I took it from her.

"I knew that it wasn't right," Jane said softly. "I couldn't do anything to stop it, but I knew that if things ever got really out of hand that I could at least show Edward who it was. No one, other than you, knows that I took that picture."

Bile rose in my throat as I looked at the small screen in my hand, at the picture of the person who had caused so much hurt and heartache in our lives.

"Did he say why?" I quietly asked. "Why they wanted information about us?"

Jane shook her head. "It wasn't his idea. He was just showing Aro the video of you singing. It was Aro's idea to use Edward-"

"For publicity," I answered for her. "Because I'm connected to Edward and news about me would give him publicity." I nodded towards her phone. "It would promote them."

"I hate Aro for what he did, to me and to Edward." Jane sat up as much as her body would let her. "But I know if Edward had any say about this, he would tell me to just let it go. I've tried to talk to him, when he was up here, to tell him what I knew…"

I sent myself the picture in her phone before handing it back to her. "So Edward doesn't know about this? You didn't show it to him?"

Jane shook her head. "He told me he didn't want to hear it. Edward just wants all of this to be over with, which I can't blame him for, but this won't just go away, and now you know why."

I slowly sat down in the chair next to her bed, trying to get a handle on all of the information that I'd just been given. On one hand, I could understand Edward's point. Going to the police would only cause more problems. But if we just ignored it, if I pretended to not know anything, nothing would get better.

"You said that you had proof that he's selling in Texas. What proof?"

Jane reached back under the blanket and handed me a tattered and torn envelope. Inside of it, was a piece of paper with an address and what looked like a bank account number written on it. I stared at the hand writing, hating the guilt and anger that curdled in my stomach, making me nauseous.

"Do you know where that is?" she asked quietly.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know where it is."

xXxXxXx

"I don't want to leave," Edward whispered. His lips kissed across my shoulder and collarbone. "But I am definitely ready to sleep in our bed again."

My eyes closed as I tried to focus on what Edward was doing to my body. I told my brain to pay attention to his lips, to his fingers, but it didn't work. I kept seeing the picture, kept reading the address. It was all I could think about.

"Bella." Edward's fingers tucked my hair behind my ear. "Baby, what's wrong?"

I shook my head instinctively, and hated myself for lying to him. After everything that we'd been through the past few weeks, lying was the one thing I shouldn't have been doing. But I didn't want him to fly off the handle. I didn't want him to catch a flight back to Austin and end up in jail for killing someone, or maybe more than one someone.

"Didn't we promise not to do this?" He quietly asked me. "We promised no more secrets, right? So whatever it is, just tell me."

Of course he would say the one thing that would make me want to cave. My hands pushed against his bare chest and he moved away from me without hesitation. I got out of bed and started pacing around the bedroom.

I had to tell him, I knew that. But I wanted to wait until I knew more about what had happened. I wanted to have more answers than questions. I wanted to talk to my father and get his advice on what to do. Edward reached off of the bed and grabbed my hand. I stopped pacing and looked down at him.

"What the hell is going on?" His voice was slow and irritated.

I couldn't keep it in anymore. "Jane called me today."

Confusion covered his face. "What? When?"

I took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. "She's the one that called your phone. You know, when I answered it."

Edward nodded. "And?"

I didn't even know where to start. How the hell was I supposed to explain this when I didn't even understand what the hell had happened. I reached across him, grabbing my phone off of the nightstand, and found the picture Jane had shown me.

"She wanted to show me this." I handed him the phone and watched him.

Edward's expression went from confusion, to understanding, then to anger.

"Motherfucke-"

"Please," I grabbed his arm and shook my head. "I can't… Edward you can't freak out on me, okay? I don't even know what the hell is going on but I know that I can't figure any of this out if you don't calm down."

Edward pulled away from me and took over my pacing.

"I knew it! I fucking knew it!" He yelled. "What the fuck did she tell you? I want to know everything, now!"

I sat on the bed and explained as much as I could, while Edward walked around like a caged animal. His hands opened and closed, his nostrils flared, and I knew that he was using every ounce of strength he had to control his anger.

"Did you know about any of this?" He asked me, throwing the envelope down on the bed.

"How can you ask me that?" I looked up at him. "Do you think I would have been okay with this? That I would have been fine with them using you, using us? Jesus, Edward!"

He shook his head. "I meant about the drugs. Did you know they were selling?"

"If I did, do you think I would have just kept my mouth shut? My dad is a police officer, Edward. If I had known I certainly wouldn't have been hanging out around there."

He finally sat down next to me. "I knew there was just something…"

I rubbed my forehead and interrupted him. "Please don't say I told you so, okay?" My voice broke when I unexpectedly started crying. "I know that this is my fault. I didn't… know. I didn't ever think that this could happen and you were right. God, I'm so… _so_ sorry."

"Hey," Edward's voice was calmer. He put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. "I'm not blaming you, okay? I'm blaming them. I'm mad at them, not you."

"We don't know if it was all of them," I shook my head. "I don't think Jessica would have done this. She isn't like that, Edward."

He picked my phone back up and looked at the picture again, ignoring what I'd just said. "So all of this was to promote their fucking band? I knew something was off with them. I never fucking trusted them."

I wiped off my cheeks and shook my head. "You never trusted Garrett."

Edward sighed, sitting my phone on his leg. "I know."

"Who would have thought it would be Sam that was behind all of this?"

We both looked at the picture of Sam and Aro, staring at it until the screen went black. When Edward looked back at me I shook my head.

"What are we going to do?"

"When we get back to Austin I'll go talk to your dad." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "We'll figure it out together."

**A/N: Well now what? Huh?**


	36. Running Up That Hill

**Nope, still don't own Twilight.**

"**You don't wanna hurt me, but see how deep the bullet lies. Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder. There's a thunder in our hearts, baby. So much hate for the ones we love? Tell me we both matter, don't we?" Running up That Hill, Kate Bush, covered by Placebo**

"I don't like this." Edward paced around me, shaking his head. "I _really_ don't fucking like this."

I nodded, so he would know I had heard him, but didn't say anything in response. Instead, I watched as Officer McLannahan taped a wire to the side of my abdomen.

"You won't even realize it's there." She gave me a reassuring smile that I didn't return. "Just try to relax."

Edward scoffed before stopping in front of me and crossed his arms across his chest. I couldn't look up at him. But, I didn't need to either. I knew what I would see in his eyes. The same anger, the same fear, the same hurt… the same everything. Nothing had changed since last night, other than the fact that we now had a plan; a plan that Edward absolutely hated. A plan that my father and boyfriend were furious at me for coming up with and volunteering for.

Once the wire was fitted to me, Office McLannahan packed her things and left Edward and me alone. He locked the door behind her while I finished buttoning my shirt.

"What if something happens?"

I shook my head. "Edward, nothing will happen. We don't even know if Garrett had anything to do with this."

He cussed under his breath and kicked the leg of the chair. "You aren't best friends with someone who is a fucking drug dealer and don't know about it. Sam was selling out of your old apartment building for Christ's sake! Let someone else do this, please!"

"Garrett won't talk to anyone else." I pulled my hair up into a ponytail before turning to look at him. "You heard my father, Edward. We have a very small window of opportunity here. They can only hold Sam and Emily for twenty-four hours unless we can get concrete proof that they were selling here."

"So you think that by showing up, telling him that you and I are finished, that Garrett will tell you everything? Just like that?" Edward shook his head. "Jesus, Bella! The naivety has to stop at some point."

I ignored his attitude and hateful words, chalking them up to stress and exhaustion. Instead, I focused my attention on the fear and pain that his anger couldn't hide. My hands slid up his chest and around his shoulders, until my fingers were linked together at the back of his neck.

"I love you," I slowly whispered.

Edward sighed before leaning forward, resting his forehead against mine. "I love you too. But if anything happens, I'm going to be pissed as hell that you wouldn't let someone else do this."

I smiled before kissing his frowning lips. "You'll be downstairs with Dad. If something happens, you're both less than thirty seconds away from me."

Edward's eyes stared into mine, searching for any sign of doubt that I had. But, lucky for me, I'd learned how to hide that shit a long time ago. A knocking on the door and my father's voice interrupted us.

"Bella, we need to go."

I started to pull away from him, but stopped when his hands tightened around my waist. My mouth opened to give him more reassurance about our plans, but I was stopped by his lips forcefully meeting mine. Another knock made us stop, but Edward still didn't let me go. His chest heaved with controlled anger while his eyes watched me.

"I fucking hate this."

I gave him another slow kiss before whispering, "I know."

xXxXxXx

From my rearview mirror, I watched the three unmarked police cars that followed behind me. There were several Travis County police officers in them, along with my father and Edward. Once I'd pulled into the familiar parking space, two of the cars passed by me while the other parked across the street.

The windows were tinted but I could still feel all of their eyes watching me as I got out of my car and walked towards my former apartment building. Everyone had been quick to try and reassure me, telling me to stay calm and collected. But I wasn't really sure any of them realized that fear wasn't my problem. Anger was.

As my feet carried me up the stairs that led to Garrett's apartment, I couldn't stop the feeling of absolute fury that rolled through my body. I had trusted Sam and Emily. Both of them had tried, like Garrett and Jessica, to get me out of my depressive funk after I'd moved to Austin. I'd written songs with them, shared meaningful lyrics and music. Hell, I had been a bridesmaid at their damn wedding! I took a deep breath as my fist knocked against his door and silently prayed, for Garrett's sake, that he hadn't had anything to do with this.

His heavy footsteps told me he was coming, and with a few seconds to spare, I was able to mask the anger and replace it with depression. When he opened the door, I stared up at him, hoping that he would buy it.

"Hey Bel-" His voice stopped as his eyes looked over my face. "What the hell happened?"

I shook my head. "Can… I come in?"

Garrett nodded while moving away from the door. Once I'd crossed the threshold, he shut the door behind him.

"What happened?" He asked from behind me. "You look like you've had your heart ripped out."

"Edward and I…" My voice trailed off as I turned to look at him.

Garrett frowned. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head before stepping around him. "No. Would you be?"

"No." He sighed before moving closer to me. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

My shoulders shrugged while my fingers pulled at the hem of my shirt. "He just… There was too much."

"Is this about the… drug thing?"

I cautiously looked up at him.

Garrett took another step towards me. "Some people won't ever change, Bella. I know… I mean my mom basically gave us up because she couldn't stop using."

"When we were in Seattle, some things happened that… I don't even know where to begin with this…" At least it wasn't a lie. I honestly didn't know where to go with this conversation.

In the process of me stuttering, Garrett and moved to where he was standing directly in front of me, I sighed before looking up at him.

"You can tell me, Bella."

My head nodded while I reached into my back pocket and got my cell phone. I felt his eyes watching me as I quickly found the picture from Jane and I tried to make my hands stop shaking.

"I know what Sam did." My voice was low and I spoke slowly. "Edward… found out."

Garrett didn't move. Even when I turned my phone to him, showing him the picture of Sam and Aro, he didn't move.

"Do you know who this is?" I asked.

His eyes looked at the picture before meeting mine again. Garrett still didn't speak.

"Please." I shook my head. "Tell me you didn't have anything to do with this."

Garrett took a step away from me and I followed. My hand reached out, grabbing on to his shirt before he could turn away from me.

"Why?" I asked him. "Why would you do this?" He tried to move away, but I kept following after him. My grip tightened on his shirt as I pulled Garrett back around to face me. "What the fuck were you thinking?" I yelled at him.

"Bella, stop." Garrett's fingers tried to pry mine away from his clothing. "This isn't what you think it is."

I shook my head. "Then what is it? If this isn't you selling me out, sharing things about my personal life to make money, then what the fuck was it?" When he didn't answer me, I hit his chest with my hands. "Tell me! Tell me what it is!"

Garrett grabbed both of my hands before pushing me back against the wall and holding me there.

"This wasn't about making money." His eyes bore into mine. "Not for me anyway."

"Then why?" I asked again. "Why would you do this to me?"

Garrett's fingers loosened around my hands but he didn't back away from me. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and reverent. "He doesn't deserve you."

I wanted to yank my hands away from him and punch his jaw. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. I wanted… I took a deep breath to make myself calm down. This is exactly what we wanted, needed. I needed Garrett to trust me. I needed him to tell me what had happened. I looked at the floor and tried to mask the emotions that I was sure my face would give away.

"Edward broke you," Garrett whispered. His finger slipped under my chin, lifting my face to look at him. "He broke your heart, broke your soul… Bella, why can't you see that it is only a matter of time before it happens again?"

I moved his hand away from my face but didn't look away. "Tell me."

He looked hesitant. "I can't…"

My fingers held on to his. "You want me to believe that you didn't do any of this to hurt me? Then you have to tell me. I deserve an explanation, Garrett."

"I didn't want it to go this far." His free hand went into his hair. "I just needed you to see that…"

"Please tell me. I really… I want to understand this," I pleaded.

"The night…" Garrett sighed before continuing. "The night that you sang with us and then I saw you in the alley with him… I just kind of snapped. You know? Sam went to Washington and found out that his cousin knew Edward. He thought that if we… if we used Edward's name for publicity, then the band would get more exposure." Garrett let go of my hand and shook his head while pacing back and forth in front of me.

"So you're the one who told all of those photographers where I lived."

He took a deep breath before nodding. "It was Sam's idea."

"And the CD?" I asked him. "How did you get the CD that we made in LA?"

Garrett moved to the couch and fell down onto it before looking back at me. "When you moved and… I helped you pack. The CD was on the desk. When you left, I got it and made a copy."

I couldn't move or speak. My mind tried to come to terms with what he was telling me, but I didn't want to believe any of it. Knowing that Sam and Emily had used me was one thing. Having Garrett admit to it was… worse. So much worse. He was one of the first people I had let back in, had trusted.

"Emily knew the name of the rehab facility Edward used. She found an envelope with the name of it on there and put two and two together." He continued without me having to ask. "Since she works at the hospital all she had to do was call and ask for his medical records. She faked a release of information with Alice's name on it since she was an emergency contact."

I tried to blink away the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks while Garrett moved off the couch and cautiously walked towards me.

"It was only a matter of time before he hurt you again, Bella. He used you as a fucking security blanket and this only proves that I was right. A few bumps in the road and he ditches you, just like I thought he would."

I ignored his jabs at Edward. "Did you sell drugs for Aro, too?"

Garrett slowly shook his head. "No."

"Did Sam?"

"Bella, please don't be mad at me. " Garrett whispered. His fingers brushed against my cheek when I shook my head. "I did this to prove to you that you were better off without him."

I fell back against the wall, my chest heaving with the effort it took to not lash out at the person standing in front of me. I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat as Garrett moved even closer and my eyes closed when I felt his breath against my face.

"Answer me."

"Yeah," he sighed, leaning in to me. "Sam was selling for his cousin."

My hands instinctively went to Garrett's shoulders when he reached around me. My fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt while I processed everything that he had just told me. I had what we needed. We now had proof that Sam was selling for Aro and could get Emily on forgery. So if I had all of the information I needed, then why couldn't I move? Why was I standing here, holding on to someone that had purposefully hurt me? Why couldn't I let go?

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" Garrett's whispered words made my look at him. He smiled and wove his fingers through my ponytail. "Since I first met you, I knew that this was… something different. We're perfect for each other."

I frowned and shook my head. "No."

"No?" He questioned.

For the first time, since I had met Garrett, I could see him clearly. There was blue where green should have been, brown instead of red. His eyes were more almond shaped than round like Edward's. His hands were smaller, his fingers thicker. His hair was too long and not messy enough. My head shook again while my hands pushed his shoulders away from me.

"No."

He took a step back towards me, trying to calm me down. "Bella."

"Oh fuck you!" I yelled before pushing him away again. "Perfect for each other, Garrett? Really?"

His hands tried to grab mine.

"I trusted you!" I pushed his chest again. "I defended you! I fought for you because I just _knew_ that you wouldn't do something like this!"

Garrett finally managed to grab my wrists. "Bella, stop."

"YOU STOP!" I yelled at him.

"Why can't you understand that I did this to show you how fucked up Edward is? How much he uses you? Why can't you fucking see that?" Garrett yelled back at me.

Fury flew through my body, making my blood boil and pound behind my ears. I twisted my arm, trying to pull away from his grip but couldn't succeed. When frustration mixed with my anger, I started screaming.

"You don't even know him!" I tried to yank my arms away again. "You think he is so fucking horrible but you don't have any idea who he really is!"

"He hurt you!" Garrett yelled in my face. "He fucking broke your heart, Bella! Do you not remember that? I saw it! I had to fucking put you back together!"

When I finally succeeded in loosening his grip on one of my arms, I reared my hand back before hitting Garrett in the jaw. We both screamed when my fist made the connection, both of which were from pain. A white hot burning sensation shot up my arm but I didn't care. As Garrett stumbled backwards I hit him again, this time aiming for his nose.

With the force of the second blow he fell backwards, tripping over leg of one of the barstools. His grip on my other arm tightened and when he hit the floor, he pulled me along with him.

I kept trying to hit him, aiming for any part of his body that I could, but he effectively stopped that when he rolled us over to where he was hovering over me. His hands pinned my arms to the floor while he sat on my thighs.

"Get the fuck off of me!" I screamed at him.

"Calm down!" He yelled back. "Jesus Christ!"

I glared up at him, watching as the blood from his nose fell down his face and onto my shirt. "Let me go."

"Not until you've calmed the fuck down," he growled at me. His weight pushed against my arms, making them ache from the lack of blood flow.

I shook my head while tears stung my eyes. "You're hurting me, Garrett."

"Promise me you won't fucking hit me again."

Before I could answer him, the door behind us flung open. I turned my head as Garrett scrambled off of me, his eyes watching the several uniformed police officers that were filling his living room.

I cried out when one of the officers held on to my hand to help me up. Looking down, I noticed that it was swollen and my knuckles were bleeding.

"What the hell is going on?" Garrett asked. "Bella, what…"

Ignoring him, I left Garrett standing in his living room, sputtering questions that I had no desire to answer. When I reached the hallway my father's arms wrapped around my shoulders. I leaned against him while cradling my hand against my chest.

"Are you okay?" He quietly asked me. I could tell from his voice that he was trying extremely hard not to go inside and beat the shit out of Garrett.

I nodded. "I think I broke my hand."

My father carefully looked at my hand before agreeing. "Come on. I'll take you to the ER."

"Where's Edward?"

As my dad led my down the stairs, he laughed quietly. "We had to keep him downstairs. I swear if that kid had made it up the stairs I would have had to arrest him for homicide."

Sure enough, the closer we got to the bottom floor, the louder Edward's voice got. He was in the middle of cussing at a pair of officers that were keeping him from the stairwell when he saw me. He shoved one of the men aside and barreled up the stairs towards me.

"What the… Are you okay?" His hands fluttered around my face, touching my cheeks and hair. "What happened?"

Ignoring the pain in my hand, I wrapped my arms around Edward's neck and hid my face against his neck when he held me against him.

"We should get her to the hospital," my father interrupted. "Her hand is swelling pretty fast."

"Come on," Edward whispered against my ear. His hands tugged on my waist, trying to get me to move, but I shook my head. "Bella, your hand…"

"You were right." I quietly cried against his shoulder.

"What-"

"You knew from the beginning that they weren't good people. You told me that fame and money changed people and I didn't… I didn't want to believe you."

Edward kissed the top of my head before leaning away from me, making me look at him. I quickly blinked, trying to see through the tears that clouded my vision. When his fingers carefully wiped away the moisture under my eyes, I saw him give me a sad smile.

"I've never wished that I'd been more wrong about something."

There was no "I told you so" as Edward helped me down the rest of the stairs and into the passenger seat of my car. Even as we watched Garrett being escorted to one of the unmarked police cars, Edward didn't say anything. He just held my hand, started the car, and slowly pulled away from the curb. When we stopped at a red light, I looked down at our hands that were sitting against my leg.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "If I would have listened to you then-"

Edward squeezed my hand. "Bella, look at me."

My head slowly lifted and my eyes reluctantly found his.

"I love you," he said quietly. "And you have nothing to be sorry for."

I leaned across the console and let my head rest against his shoulder. Before he pulled away from the light, his lips gently kissed the top of my head and his fingers squeezed mine.

**A/N: Before you people start bashing me about the Garrett thing, keep in mind that it all happens for a reason. I promise.**


	37. These Two Hands

**This one is kinda short… but it had to be. I don't own Twilight or this song, but these characters are allllllll mine.**

"**One breath, one step is keeping me here. I've nothing left and nothing to fear. I've come too far now... These four walls could never hold me, and these two hands could never hold me back. I'm just before the open door and I'm so much more than these two hands." These Two Hands, Hana Pestle**

"Is there anything else you would like to add, Miss Swan?"

I slowly shook my head after rereading the police statement I'd just filed. My father gently squeezed my shoulder before handing me a pen. My fingers clumsily held on to the small piece of plastic while I attempted to sign my name.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "It's hard to hold… my hand…"

"Not a problem," Detective Jenks gave me a small smile before tearing off the yellow carbon copy of my statement. "You're more than welcome to leave now, if you like."

I looked up at my dad. "Is Edward finished?"

He shook his head. "He's still talking to the detective from Seattle. I can take you home though."

"Can I wait?" I quietly asked. "I'll sit outside if you need me too."

"You can stay as long as you want. In fact, why don't you wait in my office? I've got to go file these." Detective Jenks held up the papers in his hand. "You'll have some privacy and there is a couch in there."

I hated to be a bother, but the idea of being somewhere quiet was appealing, so I let them lead me to his office. My father left the lights off, and even though I offered him a spot on the couch, he sat in one of the chairs across from the desk.

"Why don't you just lie down? It could be a while."

"You don't have to wait with me, Dad." My head leaned against the arm of the couch and I reluctantly let my eyes close. "I'll be fine."

I heard him mutter something under his breath but couldn't find the energy to ask him to repeat himself. Instead, I pulled my legs up onto the couch and tried to just… not think. It had been over forty-eight hours since I'd slept and I couldn't remember eating anything recently either. I seemed to have been moving on some sort of autopilot function, leaving blank spaces in the memories of the past few days.

I remembered seeing Jane, and telling Edward what she had told me. I didn't remember leaving Seattle or coming back to Austin. I could recall bits and pieces of our conversation with my father, and other detectives from the Austin police department. But really, the only thing I could keep thinking about was _them_. Sam, Emily and Garrett had all played a part in this entire mess, leaving Jessica as the only true friend that I had made since moving to Austin. Sadly, she was just as hurt by all of this as I was. They had betrayed her trust, too.

With the hurt and betrayal, there were also a million different other emotions that I was trying to deal with. Most of them I understood, like the anger and guilt. But there was also a sense of finality that seemed surreal. Maybe it was because we had been dealing with this bullshit for months and now we finally knew who and what had caused it. Aro, and pretty much anyone else who had worked with him in Seattle, had been arrested a few hours ago and charged with drug trafficking across state lines. Sam followed their same fate, as did Emily. Garrett had been released after giving his statement to the police, but he didn't exist as far as I was concerned. I didn't want to remember him. I didn't want to think about him. I just wanted all of it to be over.

I tried to keep myself from crying, because I was tired of it. I hated the way it made me weak and worthless. But when tears started falling down my face, I realized that there wasn't a chance in hell that I could stop. I heard my dad's chair move as I roughly wiped my eyes with my unbroken hand.

"Sleep, honey." My father's voice was quiet as he slowly ran his fingers through the top of my hair. I nodded and waited for the calming peace that exhaustion would give me.

xXxXxXx

"Hey." I felt someone touching my face and tried to turn away from them. That brought on a quiet laughter that was slightly familiar. "Bella, we're home."

I had to force my eyes to open and even then I couldn't really focus on anything. It was still dark, which didn't help with any of the blurred images in front of me. I slowly shook my head before I dumbly asked, "What?"

"Come on." Strong hands helped pull me up. "You can go back to sleep once we get upstairs."

It took a few minutes for me to kind-of-sort-of wake up, but even then it felt like I was walking in a dense fog. I leaned against Edward as we took the elevator upstairs and then followed him to our front door. Once inside, I briefly thought about just laying down on the couch, but the idea of our bed won out.

Edward went for the kitchen while I walked down the hallway to our bedroom. I didn't bother with the light; instead I just kicked the shoes off of my feet and lazily sat on the edge of my side of the bed.

"Take this before you fall asleep." Edward shook the orange pill bottle in his hand. "Jessica went to the pharmacy for you while we were at the station. The pain meds will help you sleep."

"I don't think that will be an issue." I held my hand out and tossed the pill in my mouth when he handed it to me, followed by the bottle of water in his other hand. After I swallowed, I looked up at him. "Thank you."

Edward didn't say anything in return; he just kneeled down in front of me and started unbuttoning my shirt. I watched him for a few seconds before reaching forward and gently touching his cheek. He smiled and continued his work, only pulling away from me when he pulled the shirt off of my arm.

"You're taking care of me," I whispered.

He nodded before telling me to lay down. The second that my head hit the pillows, my whole body seemed to melt away. I could hardly pay attention to the fact that Edward was pulling my jeans off, or even try to thank him for pulling the blanket over my nearly naked body.

I tried to smile when I felt his lips against my forehead, but fell asleep before he could finish telling me that he loved me.

xXxXxXx

Edward had tried several times to teach me to play the piano. I still wasn't great at it, but I could play a few scales without screwing it up. Well, I could before I broke my hand anyway. I sighed before letting my uninjured fingers tap the keys beneath them. The notes sounded off but I kept playing them, one by one.

"You okay?"

I nodded at Edward's question. "Yeah, just… I dunno. Disappointed?"

He moved another stool next to mine and as I started to play the only song that I really knew, he took over the right handed keys. I smiled when he started singing. I was slow and clumsy with my left hand, making a mess of the simple notes, but it didn't stop him from playing with me.

When we had finished, Edward looked at me. "It's okay to be disappointed. I would be surprised if you weren't."

I shook my head. "It isn't just them… it's…" I sighed before closing my eyes. "I really thought that I was better. I was almost normal again."

"Bella, don't-"

"I know, Edward. I know that I shouldn't let what has happened change anything but it has. I was…_trying_." I paused before looking at him. "The festival wasn't just… music. It was about proving something to _myself_. It was letting go of all of my fucking insecurities and just _living_ my life again."

He didn't stop me when I pushed away from the piano. Instead he just turned to where he could watch me pace around the room.

"And now… now because of _them_… I'm back where I started! I feel so trapped in my own head that I can't… I'm suffocating all over again! I can't play, I can't write! I'm just… here. And I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of existing without living!"

"Then do the festival." Edward stood up and walked towards me. "Fuck what Garrett and Sam did. Play the festival without them."

I held up my broken hand. "How? I can't play."

"Jessica can play and you can sing." When I started to shake my head, Edward put his hands on my shoulders. "There comes a time when you have to start being a voice, Bella, instead of just a fucking echo."

His hands moved to where they were on either side of my neck. He gently tilted my head to make me look at him.

"Since I've known you, you've always held back. You thought no one saw it; that you could just slid under the radar without people noticing, but I saw it. I saw you. I've heard you, Bella. I know that you have a voice in there, one that you're just too scared to share with people. But I can promise you that once you do, once you let go of everything, you will realize that you are so much stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for."

"I'm scared," I barely whispered.

Edward shook his head. "Scared of what, Bella?"

"Failing."

He let me go and I watched as he left me standing there to go back into the office. He walked to the bookcase and returned a few seconds later with a notebook. His fingers quickly flipped through the pages before handing it to me.

"What does that say?" Edward asked.

I looked down at the familiar handwriting.

"It says '_Even if this turns into a mistake, at least I can say I tried. And I can't fail at trying_." I answered him.

Edward took my old journal back from me and nodded. "What happened to the girl that wrote that?"

I hated the truth, but I had to say it. "I don't know."

He dropped the notebook on the stool he'd vacated and shook his head. "I can tell you where she is." His hand gently moved to my chest, resting over my heart. "I know you_ feel_ it, Bella."

"What if I suck?"

Edward shook his head. "You won't."

"What if I forget the lyrics?"

He smiled. "What if you wake up thirty years from now and regret never doing this? What if you look back on your life and always wonder what could have happened if you just would have tried?"

Could I do this? It had been hard enough to convince myself to just play in the band. Now I was considering singing, by myself. What if I made a fool of myself? What if I got up there, in front of thousands of people, and completely lost my nerve?

Edward's hand gently pressed against my chest, making me look up at him. He held up a pen and smiled. "Let go."

"I…"

His hand applied more pressure. "Bella, let go."

This was it; my proverbial fork in the road. Did I stay the same scared, weak Bella that I had been for the past four years? Did I want to stay the type of person that I'd grown to despise? I knew the answer was no. I didn't, couldn't live like this anymore. But I had told myself this before. I'd reasoned with myself and said that I would change, but then something would happen, and I would fall apart all over again. I was tired of being broken. I was tired of living a half life. I was… tired… of all of this.

With a shaking hand I reached forward and took the pen out of Edward's hand. "I'll need your help."

xXxXxXx

"Well?" I sighed. "What do you think?"

Jasper and Jessica looked back at me, before looking at each other. They each held new contracts for the music festival that put the three of us in a new band, where we had one drummer, one guitarist and a lead singer. I bit my bottom lip and waited for one of them to say something.

"You know I'm in." Jessica nodded. "How could I not be?"

I smiled and looked at Jasper.

"It's been a long time since I've played, Bella." He looked back down at the contract in his hand. "I mean I think that what you're doing is… fucking amazing. But I don't know if I'm what you need for this."

I reached across the table and held on to his hand. "You're exactly what I need for this, Jasper. You're my oldest friend and someone that I _know_ I can trust."

Those words meant something totally different now. It wasn't just something I threw around to make someone feel better about themselves and he knew it. I trusted Jasper with my hopes, my dreams, my words… my music. I knew that he would stand by my side, leading me when I needed it and making _me_ lead when I didn't want to.

"I need you, J." I squeezed his hand. "Please."

He smiled before nodding his head. "Alright."

Jessica hit her shoulder against his before looking back at me. "When do we start working?"

"Now?"

**A/N: Two more chapters and an epi. Crazy ride, huh? I will be posting a lot of Edward POV after I finish this story. This chapter is for Miss AllyinPerth, aka, ChampagneAnyone. You are a fighter through and through baby doll. I love you.**


	38. Unbreakable

**If there were ever any lyrics that captured my Bella, these are it. I wish that I was creative enough to have come up with them, but I didn't. I also don't own Twilight.**

"**God, I want to dream again.****Take me where I've never been****. ****I want to go there****, ****this time I'm not scared****. ****Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable****. ****No one can touch me****. ****Nothing can stop me****. ****Sometimes it's hard to just keep going****but faith is moving without knowing****. ****Can I trust what I can't see**** t****o reach my destiny****? ****I want to take control but I know better." Unbreakable, FireFlight**

"Second verse."

I looked down at Edward and shook my head. He was lying between my legs, his chest resting between my thighs, his chin on my stomach, and his hands curled under my hips. He was smirking, his lips curled to the side of his face. For the past hour he had been "quizzing" me about lyrics, making me repeat them, and even if it was meant to help me, I couldn't concentrate with him being this close to me.

"What?" He laughed. "What's the second verse?"

His laughter vibrated against my pelvis, making me squirm underneath him.

"Oh no." Edward shook his head as his hands tightened around my hips. "What's the second verse?"

"Edward," I warned.

He smiled before kissing my hip. "Bella."

"I can't focus with you…" I watched as he used his nose to lift the hem of my shirt and completely forgot what I was saying when his lips made contact with my skin.

"With me what?" Edward asked against my stomach. He looked up when I didn't answer and gave me an innocent smile before squeezing my hips. "Second verse, Bella."

"You're distracting me," I lamely complained.

"No," He shook his head. "I'm providing you a valuable service. You-"

I interrupted him. "So far all you're doing is teasing me."

"You don't think you could be distracted while you're on stage? I'm just trying to teach you how to work past those distractions." Edward gave me another smile before unbuttoning my shorts. I sat up on my elbows and laughed while he pulled them down my legs.

"Are you telling me that while I'm singing someone will be kneeling between my legs?"

He pulled his shirt off before crawling back up to me. I smiled when he shook his head and wrapped my legs around his hips.

"The only person doing anything between your legs is me." Edward kissed my neck, pulling the strap of my tank top off my shoulder. "And it sure as hell won't be on a stage in front of thousands of people."

"So see," I laughed. "You were just teasing me."

"Bella shut up and let me kiss you."

I laughed once before Edward's lips met mine.

xXxXxXx

"You've got fifteen minutes for soundcheck."

Jasper nudged my back, trying to move me towards the mic stand. Unfortunately my feet were stuck where they were while I looked out at the nearly empty amphitheater where the festival would take place tomorrow.

"Bell-"

"It's freaking huge," I whispered. "How… What…"

"You'll be fine," Jessica playfully hit my shoulder with hers before walking towards the drum set behind us.

"Come on." Jasper pushed on my back and I clumsily walked towards the front of the stage.

I waited as Jasper and Jessica got ready, and looked out at the enormous empty space in front of me. How the hell was I going to be able to pull this off? There weren't twenty people out there now and I was nervous. What would it be like tomorrow night when the place was completely filled?

Jessica started counting a beat and I fumbled to get my ear monitor into my ear. It wasn't but a few seconds later that Jasper joined her on the guitar, telling me that I only had ten seconds before I had to start singing. I swallowed around the large knot in my throat as I reached for the mic stand.

We rehearsed the song three times, and all three times, I messed it up. First I was singing too fast, then not fast enough. Once I even forgot the damn lyrics. If this was any sort of indication of how tomorrow was going to go, then it would be a freaking nightmare.

Jasper and Jessica were quick to reassure me but it didn't really help. Humiliating myself wasn't really something I _wanted_ to do but I was more concerned with embarrassing the two of them. They had both worked so hard the past couple of weeks. I hated the fact that it could all be ruined because of my dumb ass.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bedroom listening to a track we had made with just Jessica and Jasper playing. I silently sang along, trying to memorize my leads and cues. When the bed moved beside me, I realized I wasn't alone. Opening one eye, I saw Edward sitting down next to me. He took the iPod off of my stomach and once he saw what I was listening to, stopped it and carefully pulled the earbuds out of my ears.

"There is such a thing as too much practice, Bella." He wound the cord around the player and set in on the bedside table before looking at me. "Jasper called me."

That wasn't really surprising. "Yeah?"

"He said you were a little high strung when you guys finished the soundcheck."

For obvious reasons Edward hadn't been able to go with us today. I was both thankful and resentful for that. I would have loved for him to be there to support me but I'm also glad that he didn't see me make a complete fool of myself. I looked down at my lap until Edward squeezed my thigh.

"Talk to me."

I sighed before sitting up and looking at him. "How do you do it, Edward? How do you stand up in front of all of those people and let them judge your music?"

He shrugged. "I just don't think about it."

"That doesn't help me at all."

"No I mean," Edward shook his head before starting over. "It isn't about what they think of the music. It isn't what they think about me. If one person hears that song and it helps them through something or helps express feelings that they can't deal with then it's all worth it."

"You don't get nervous?" I picked at the knee of his worn out jeans.

He laughed. "Are you kidding? I used to get so nervous that I would throw up before I went on stage. Everyone gets nervous, that's a natural reaction."

"Then how do you get past it?"

Edward looked at me for a second before getting off of the bed and holding his hand out for me. "Come on. I'll show you."

I took his hand and let him lead back into the studio. He told me to wait by the door, so I stood and watched as he moved around the room, arranging the mic stand and putting a CD into the player.

"Okay." Edward smiled and motioned for me to come to him. "You stand right here." He took my shoulders and gently moved me so that I was standing behind the microphone. Once I was in place, he kissed the back of my head. "Ready?"

I nodded and nearly jumped out of my skin when he used the remote to start the CD player. Jessica's drumming filled the studio, followed by Jasper's guitar. It was already loud but Edward turned it up to where you could feel the base vibrating the floor.

"You're going to piss off the neighbors!" I yelled over the sound.

"Fuck the neighbors," Edward yelled back. He moved so that he was standing in front of me and smiled. "What do you feel?"

I shrugged and looked down at the floor. He lifted my chin before shaking his head and moving his hand to rest of my chest. "Tell me what you feel."

"I feel the base." I answered loudly.

"You feel the _music_," Edward corrected. He turned the music off and smiled. "Now shut your eyes."

I sighed. "You're making me feel stupid."

"Trust me." He leaned forward and quickly kissed me. "Close your eyes."

I did what he asked and smiled when I felt his hands on my hips. "You wrote this song, Bella. You know the music, you know the lyrics. The only reason why you're messing up is because you're thinking too hard."

His hands let go of my hips and I felt him move behind me.

"You're focusing on the audience and not the music. You're distracted by fear instead of living in the moment." Edward's lips pressed against the back of my shoulder. "Don't be scared. Just let go and feel it here." His arm wrapped around me as his hand pressed against my chest. "Don't think. Don't hesitate. Just feel it. Okay?"

I nodded as he kissed my neck.

"Sing for me," Edward whispered. He kissed my ear and turned the music back on before I had a chance to respond.

With his arm wrapped around me and his hand pressed against my chest I sang through the entire song perfectly, twice. If only I could stand on stage with Edward Cullen wrapped around me. Then I wouldn't have any worries.

Once he turned off the music I leaned back against his chest and sighed. "I wish you could be on stage with me."

Edward kissed the top of my head. "Just because I'm not physically there doesn't mean that I'm not with you."

I turned around in his arms and hid my face against his chest. "I know."

Maybe it was childish to want him with me, treating him like some sort of security blanket, but Edward made it so much easier to forget everything else around me.

"Here," Edward reached around me and grabbed a Sharpie marker off the top of the keyboard. "Give me your hand."

I watched as he turned my hand over before pulling the cap off of the marker with his teeth. When he started drawing a blue heart on my palm I smiled. "What's that for?"

"Now you have a piece of me with you." Once he finished coloring it in, he smiled before blowing on the drying ink. "You hold my heart in the palm of your hand, Miss Swan."

"You are so adorably cheesy, Edward."

He smiled before leaning forward to kiss me. "And you love it."

xXxXxXx

I stared at Edward, watching as lips moved, giving me words of encouragement. I tried to focus on what he was saying but all I could hear was the _thump, thump_ sound of the blood rushing through my veins, pounding behind my ears. I swallowed several times trying to fight off the nerves that made my stomach churn.

"Bella." His voice was a soft command. My eyes moved off of his mouth to find his eyes. They were pleading. His hands gently held the sides of my face as he nodded his head. "You can do this."

"I can do this," I repeated slowly.

Edward smiled before leaning forward and kissing my lips. My eyes slipped closed and I tried to focus on _this_, on the feeling of him, of us.

His forehead leaned against mine. "Don't be nervous." He kissed me again.

I nodded, wishing that it was that easy.

"Bella, it's time," Jasper said quietly.

I heard the stage manager talking, heard Jessica and Alice moving behind me. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see my reflection in Edward's eyes. I smiled, he smiled, and I hoped that he was right, that I could do this.

My hands fisted in the front of his shirt. "I love you."

Edward gently pulled my hand away and kissed the faded blue heart on my palm. "I love you."

I smiled again before letting him go. After a quick drink of water, I nodded to Jasper and followed him towards the stage. As I was walking away Edward grabbed my hand, making me look back at him.

"Remember what I said, Bella. Feel it in here." His free hand was placed over my heart. "And don't think."

Alice stepped to his side and looped her arm through his. "And have fun." She smiled and wished Jasper good luck before squeezing Edward's arm.

The look on Edward's face was the last thing I saw before turning around and letting Jasper and Jessica lead me through the mass of people to the side of the stage.

"You know the cue," Jasper said quietly. "If you need the music to slow down, you know what to do."

I nodded and Jessica gave me a reassuring hug before helping Jasper pull the guitar around his shoulders. "You've got this, Bella."

The previous band had cleared the stage and the crew was working to move their equipment and set ours up. I watched in a numb silence thinking about everything that I shouldn't be thinking about. The fear, hurt, heartache… it all flooded my mind. I waited for the same hollow feeling to take over my body but there was something else instead. The doubt that those memories normally produced became one word, a question. Why? Why had it all happened, why did any of us have to go through it? Why did it have to hurt as much as it did? Why did it have to leave scars on our hearts?

"Are you okay?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah," I smiled and nodded my head. "Yeah, I'm fine." Maybe it wasn't a lie; maybe I was fine because I finally knew the answer. I finally understood. I reached over and squeezed Jasper's hand as we were introduced.

"Ready?" I asked him. He nodded and smiled before leading me out onto the stage.

Jessica started counting a beat and my eyes found Edward, standing at the side of the stage with Alice. When Jasper started playing, I took a step forward. My hand didn't shake as I reached forward and held onto the mic stand. My breath didn't shake as my lungs filled and my voice didn't break when I started singing.

The second that I started singing I forgot about everything but the music. I didn't see the crowd. I didn't see their reaction to the song. I sang because for so long I had been silent. I sang because I needed someone to hear me. I sang because this was why everything had happened.

This was me, the broken mess that didn't have any idea who or what she was. These lyrics were my fears, worry, struggles, heartache, dreams, hope, and desires… everything. I wasn't hiding behind a band. I wasn't pressured into performing. It wasn't someone else singing my lyrics. It wasn't someone else telling my story. These words, this music… it was me. This was mine.

For years I had fought for control. I tried to plan every step I took to avoid feeling lost. I hid away part of myself to avoid feeling vulnerable. I had blamed my problems on mistakes from the past to avoid seeing what my real faults and weaknesses were. And now I was letting go. I was opening up my heart and soul; letting it fly with every word I sang. I put aside my fears of never being good enough because in this moment, I was. I stopped blaming my ghosts of mistakes past and realized that my biggest enemy was me. It wasn't Edward's behavior years before. It wasn't the social phobia that I'd surrendered my life to. It wasn't Garrett and Sam. It wasn't anything but me.

I could have stayed in New York and worked things out with Edward. I could have never left Seattle and come to Texas. I could have forgiven and forgotten a lot sooner. I could have gone to the concert that Edward had played on my birthday. I could have listened to his warnings about Sam and Garrett. I could have done a lot of things differently but I would have had to let go. That's why all of this had happened. That was the understanding that had washed over me. I was my own worst enemy because I couldn't let go of the past and my own insecurities. I used the fear as a crutch and all it had done was blind me to the reality of my life. But finally, on this stage in front of all of these people, I finally let go. I was free.

I opened my eyes as the song ended I found the only thing that could have made this moment any better. Looking down and to the left of the stage I found a wide smile and a pair of brilliant green eyes and I realized nothing else mattered.

Backstage my eyes searched through the mass of people that were waiting. I nodded at their words of encouragement but couldn't focus on anything but finding _him_. Jasper's hand was on the back of my neck, guiding me through the throng of people while Jessica took care of the equipment. My body was shaking from adrenaline while my heart was absolutely aching to feel _him_. I needed Edward.

"There," Jasper yelled above the noise. "They're over there."

I could barely see the top of Edward's head over the people in front of us but that didn't stop me. Pushing through the group, I started running. I should have apologized but I couldn't stop long enough.

Once Edward saw me, he left Alice standing there and ran to meet me. I thought I would cry when I finally felt his arms around my body and his lips against mine, but I didn't. I laughed and smiled, holding him against me.

"I knew you could do it," he whispered against my ear. "I'm so fucking proud of you."

I squeezed Edward tighter and turned my head to kiss his neck, his jaw, and his lips.

"Do you need anything? Water?" He slowly pushed away from me, keeping his hands on my shoulders. I shook my head when Edward leaned down to look me in the eye.

"I just want to go home," I answered. "Let's go home."

Edward laughed quietly. "What about the results? You don't want to know if you won?"

I shook my head and pulled him by the front of his shirt back towards my lips. "I've already won."

xXxXxXx

I was letting the shower warm up as I brushed my hair out when Edward sat a thin box on the counter in front of me. I looked up at his reflection in the mirror and laughed at his excited expression.

"What did you do?" I looked at the box and then back at him.

He shrugged before tapping the box with his fingers. "I got you something."

It was hard not to copy his contagious smile and giddy attitude. Adrenaline from the performance was still running through my body, leaving me jittery and hyper, which only added to the euphoric atmosphere in our bathroom.

"Open it." He nudged the box towards me and watched in the mirror and I pulled the lid off.

I'm not really sure what I expected, but I stared down at the piece of paper, neatly folded in the box, completely confused. Edward picked it up and handed it to me. As I read the print on it he kissed the back of my shoulder.

"Plane tickets?" I asked him. He nodded and moved his lips to my other shoulder. "To where?"

His eyes met mine in the mirror and he smiled. "Anywhere you want to go."

I turned around and looked up at him. "Are you serious?"

Edward laughed and pulled the paper out of my hands, dropping it on the counter behind me. His hands made quick work of the belt of my robe and gently pushed it off of my shoulders, letting the fabric puddle at our feet.

"Seattle wasn't really a vacation, was it?" He quietly asked me. "We both need some time away from everything and everyone. I don't care where we go as long as we're alone."

I reached down to remove whatever sort of clothing he was wearing, only to realize that he was naked. I looked back up at him, hating and loving the cocky smirk that sat on his face.

"You think you're so sneaky, Edward Cullen."

He shrugged and carefully pushed me back towards the shower. "Do you feel like you're body is humming? Like you've had about eight Redbulls and you have no idea what to do with the pent up energy in your system?"

I stepped backwards into the steamy mist and nodded as Edward shut the shower door behind him. He smiled before leaning forward and capturing my mouth with his. His lips were greedy with mine, his tongue forceful and domineering. I finally had to break the kiss, panting with want and desire. He smiled down at me before speaking.

"I'm going to work it out of you." One of his hands held my hip against the shower wall while the other slowly slipped between my legs. "All night long."

**A/N: Yeah I know… cockblocked twice in one chapter. I'll make up for it in the next one, maybe. Thank you, thank you, a million thank you's to everyone who has read, reviewed, rec'd this story. I am horrible at responding to reviews but please know that I read each one of them and love ninety percent of them. Massive amounts of hugs and kisses to all of you. I am eternally your groupie. JFI**


	39. You Are the One

**I don't own Twilight.**

"**You are the one, oh, my darling. You are the one for me. You are the one for me.****You are the song I'm singing, darling. You are the song I sing, you are the melody. And if my frequencies unclear and statics buzzing in your ears, tune your heart, tune your heart, till you hear who we are. Let it take us to the start." You Are the One, Matt Hires**

I could have chosen to go anywhere, knowing that Edward wouldn't object. Europe, exotic beaches and private resorts were all suggested by our friends and family, but in the end a small no-name town on Maine's northern coast won out. I'd found a beach house that was completely furnished, entirely private, and nothing like what someone would expected from us. The town had a grocer that delivered food, which Edward had to cook since I was still a disaster in the kitchen. We didn't have maids or room service. We didn't have unlimited cable channels or expensive hot tubs. There were no distractions. There was only him and me and it was perfect.

Honestly, this vacation couldn't have come at a better time. Although we hadn't won the festival, we had garnered a lot of attention. Attention that Jasper and I didn't want, but Jessica was extremely pleased with. Liam, Edward's friend, had expressed a lot of interest in Jessica's talents and it only grew when he found out that she was more than just a drummer. Edward had agreed to help work on a few songs with her, and once we got back, they would begin working on a demo. Jessica worried that I felt like she was "stealing my thunder" which was far from the truth. The music festival wasn't about me winning or losing. I had no desire whatsoever to be a famous musician. I didn't want to be in the limelight. I didn't want people to be focused one me. The only reason why I performed in the festival was to prove to myself that I could do it. Fame wasn't something I needed or wanted. We would go back to Austin once our vacation ended. Edward would start working on his next album and I would go back to writing songs with Jasper. Things had changed; I had changed, but only for the better. I realized that our lives wouldn't ever be considered normal, but for me, for us, it was. Concerts, photographers, and fans… were all a part of our normal. But there was also laughter and years worth of private jokes. Edward and I had secret smiles, Sharpie hearts, and songs that no one would ever hear because they were meant for just the two of us. Maybe now that I had learned who and what I really was, I would be better prepared to face it all head on. I felt like I now knew how to combine both parts of our lives and not be so scared to live it.

I watched Edward through the French doors that were opened, leading out to the porch that was off of the master bedroom. He was sitting on the gliding rocker with his bare feet resting on top of the porch railing. Against the sunset, he was just a silhouette, but still recognizable. The wind blew his hair around; making it an even bigger mess than it was naturally. My fingers itched to touch it, touch him. I smiled before pulling a sweater around my shoulders and joining him outside.

His earbuds were in his ears but once he saw me, he stopped rocking and waited for me to sit down before continuing. With my legs tucked underneath me, I leaned against his shoulder and the two of us silently watched the waves hitting the shoreline below us. Edward's arm wrapped around my shoulders and I felt his lips kiss the top of my head. We sat like that until the world around us was painted in a redish-pink light from the setting sun. I saw him pull the earphone out of his ears and I leaned my head back to look up at him.

"What were you listening to?" He didn't verbally answer me, but lifted is iTouch to show me the album cover. Instead of a cover, however, there was a picture of the two us. "Is that our song?"

Edward nodded before untangling the earbud's wires and handing them to me. "You wanna listen?"

"You didn't tell me you recorded it."I took them from him and smiled.

He shrugged. "I changed parts of it so you have to promise to listen to the whole song before you stop, okay?"

"Okay." I agreed and put the squishy foam earbuds into my ears. Edward smiled as he started the song over and I leaned back against his shoulder and listened as the familiar music started playing.

I'd heard this before, several times; I had helped write it. But that didn't stop goose bumps from covering my arms and neck when Edward started singing. His voice did what it always did; made my stomach bubble nervously and left my skin tingling while my heart beat erratically. It was the same reaction I got when his fingers would ghost across my body, teasing and promising what was about to come. Edward's voice was the strongest aphrodisiac I knew and would leave me a shivering mess in a matter of seconds.

I tried to ignore the feelings of Edward's fingers playing with the loose hair at the back of neck and concentrate on the music, but he was making it damn near impossible. It was a miracle that I made it through the whole song, able to pick out a few subtle changes that he had made and one not so subtle change.

I sat up and pulled the small speakers out of my ears and looked back at him. "You changed the lyrics from 'I want to be loved by you' to 'I want to belong to you'." He nodded and kept smiling. It wasn't that I minded him changing the lyrics; the song was still beautiful and perfect. I just wondered why. "Is there a reason why you changed them?"

"Yup." He nodded.

I laughed at his evasive behavior. "Can I know the reason?"

Edward's smile softened as he looked down at me, his eyes seemed more serious. "You really wanna know?"

"Yes."

His arm slowly left my shoulders and I watched as he stood up in front of me. I briefly wondered if this was going to end up being an impromptu serenade, but the longer he stood there, the more I doubted it. Edward was many things, but shy wasn't one of them. Looking up at him, I noticed how completely nervous he looked. His fingers messed with his pocket for a minute before he slowly moved down onto his knees in front of me. That's when the realization hit me.

"Oh my-"

Edward shook his head. "Just… let me do this, please."

I nodded my head furiously and covered my mouth with my hands. He laughed when a nervous-excited squeak escaped my lips by accident.

He took a deep breath before looking up at me. His lips curved into my favorite smile and I had to remind myself to breathe. This was happening, like _really_ happening, and I didn't want to pass out and ruin the entire thing. Edward's hand on my lap slowly opened, and I felt my eyes widen as they looked at the ring sitting on his palm.

"I changed the lyrics because they're true," he spoke softly. "I do want to belong to you, Bella."

I bit my lip to keep myself from screaming "yes" even though he hadn't officially asked me anything yet.

Edward's empty hand carefully wiped away the tears that were running down my face before he leaned forward and kissed the hands that were still clasped over my mouth.

"I promised you forever, Bella." He whispered. "Will you marry me?"

My entire life I always felt clumsy, fumbling and awkward. But as I sat there and looked up at the man sitting in front of me, I felt like I was graceful and elegant. Edward knew my faults and weaknesses, just like I knew his. He saw past my awkwardness and loved me for who I was. It didn't matter what the world thought when they looked at me because in his eyes I was perfect. I smiled as my hands slowly moved away from my mouth and held on to the fingers of his hand that sat on my lap.

I leaned forward and kissed him gently. "Yes."

xXxXxXx

He was killing me. Slowly, sweetly… God, this was too much. Edward's fingers threaded between mine before his body curled around me, pushing my hips and our joined hands into the mattress beneath us.

My head fell forward, my forehead resting against the pillow, and I tried to feel everything that Edward was giving me. His lips, mixed with his hot breath, fell against the back of my shoulder. And his free hand pulled against my thigh, opening my legs wider to give him better access. Edward filled me completely before slowly pulling away. I felt him smile against my back when I whimpered and then push his hips back towards me. The moan that left my mouth earned me another tortuously delicious kiss on my overheated skin. It seemed like this had been going on for hours and I was torn between wanting the orgasm that I'd been fighting and reveling in the lustful burn that ran through my body.

Edward's sweaty chest slid across my back as he pushed back into me. "Do you always have to be so stubborn?"

I moaned loudly while nodding my head. I tried to say something snarky but the only word that my brain could form was "fuck", and even then it sounded more like a plea and less of a witty comeback. I heard him laughing and then felt his weight move from behind me. I whipped my head around when he pulled away from me completely.

"What-"

Edward rolled me over, onto my back, and took his sweet ass time leaning down over me. My legs wrapped around his thighs, trying to pull him closer. He shook his head before kissing the tip of my nose. "Say please, Bella."

His weight settled between my legs, teasing me.

"Please," I whispered. My hips pushed up against him.

Edward's lips left feather light kisses against my jaw. "Please what?"

My body was completely frustrated and he knew it. He was right _there_! Close enough to drive me to the point of insanity but not close enough for me to get any sort of relief from the empty throbbing between my legs. In an act of desperation I pulled against his hair, making him look at me. I hated and loved the cocky smile that he had.

"Will you _please_ fuck me, Edward?" Thank God that I didn't have to ask twice. My fingers pulled against his hair as Edward pushed back into me. My head leaned back, giving his lips more access to my neck and when he gently bit me as I jerked beneath him. "Jesus Christ!"

"Not quite." He pulled my earlobe between his teeth.

One of Edward's hands slid down my knee to my thigh before moving my leg further up his hip. My fingers left his hair and tried to hold on to his shoulders as his hips quickened their thrusts against mine. There was a second when he leaned up to look down at me and we both realized that the playful teasing was over. A passionate desire to just find a release had taken over; leaving both of us panting, pushing, pulling, and pleading.

My back arched off of the bed, pushing my chest against his. "Edward, please."

"More?" He asked in a deep whisper.

I nodded before both of us became nothing more than frantic movements. My moaning and his grunting mixed with the sound of the headboard hitting the wall. Edward's hands fisted in the pillow on either side of my head while mine dug into the muscles of his back, both of us braced ourselves for what we knew was coming.

My legs tightened around his hips before my whole body seemed to unravel. "Oh. My. Go-"

My desperate moaning was swallowed by Edward's mouth. I tried to hold on to him as his body shook above mine but the fact that my legs and arms felt like my bones had vanished, made it difficult. When his body collapsed on top of mine, I kissed every inch of his face that I could reach.

He started to move off of me but I managed to keep one of my legs wrapped around his body and turned onto my side, facing him. My fingers gently touched his closed eyelids before tracing the smile his lips made. We didn't speak. Instead we communicated with soft touches and honest eyes, tracing lines and curves before kissing ticklish spots on each other's bodies.

I smiled when Edward left an open mouth kissed against my neck and wondered how I had gotten lucky enough to have _this_ for the rest of my life.

xXxXxXx

**Thirteen Months Later**

"I seriously can't believe that you're ditching me for my mother, _again_."

"It isn't for your mother this time." I shook my head as Edward backed me up against the dressing room door. "Our nephew is up there looking all adorable. I mean come on, Rosalie gave him a Mohawk! How freaking cute is that? Besides, I will be back before the show is even over."

"Uh huh," He leaned forward. "I've heard that one before."

My arms wrapped around his neck and I smiled when his lips brushed against mine. "Don't be nervous."

"Mmm." Edward's eyes shut as he leaned his forehead against mine. "It's been a long time."

It was endearing to see Edward so nervous but it was also kind of sad. It had been over three years since his last tour and tonight was the first show to promote his new album. It was one of his best, even if I was a little biased, and I knew that he had no reason to be worried about tonight. But it was easy to remember how it felt to be so unsure of yourself. It hadn't been that long ago that Edward had been the one standing backstage encouraging me. Luckily, I came prepared.

"Give me your hand."

He knew what was coming when I pulled a pen out of my back pocket and didn't do anything but smile when I drew a small heart on the inside of his palm. When I was finished, he took the pen from me and wrote _if lost please return to Edward Cullen_ on the outside of my hand.

I rolled my eyes."Really, Edward?"

"Hey, I'm not taking any chances." He leaned forward and gave me another kiss. "I love you."

"Love you too." I pressed hand against his heart and he smiled. "You'll be great."

Edward nodded. "For you."

I gave him another kiss before leaving his dressing room and rejoining our families. My parents were talking with Esme and Carlisle while Jasper and Emmett kept baby Matt occupied with a miniature inflatable guitar.

Rosalie smiled when I walk through the door. "How is he?"

"He'll be okay."

A screeching sound, which I had started to associate with my nephew, made me pay attention to two little sturdy legs that started walking in my direction. He was completely decked out in concert friendly attire. His Mohawk matched his little faux-vintage Rolling Stones t-shirt and black and white converse shoes.

Emmett quickly caught up with his son and playfully snatched him up in his arms. Matt squealed and laughed until his father became serious; holding him to that he was facing me. "Matty, show Aunt Bella how to rock out."

I laughed when his chubby little fingers closed, leaving only his pinky and index finger sticking up.

"That's my boy!" Emmett tossed him up in the air before catching him.

I leaned forward to receive a sloppy, wet kiss from my nephew before looking at his mother. "How did he do with the opening band?"

"He didn't originally like the ear protectors but Emmett distracted him with Goldfish crackers. He is so much like his father." Rosalie tugged on the back of Matt's shirt, putting it back in place, before putting a tiny set of earphones over his ears. I smiled when I noticed that someone had hand painted a skull and cross bones on each one of the ear pieces.

"I'm going to head back to wait with Alice." Jasper gave the baby a high five before playfully messing up my hair. I elbowed his side in return. "You staying up here?" I nodded and accepted a hug before he left us to enjoy the show.

It wasn't but a few minutes later when the lights went out and there was nothing but the deafening noise of the screaming audience below us. I moved to stand at the front of the box and smiled when Esme gave my hand a gentle squeeze. It was so familiar yet so different now. I still stood there and watched as the man I was still absolutely head over heels in love with stepped up to a microphone and waved at the massive audience in front of him. I still found it hard to contain the lustful thoughts that filled my mind while I watched him singing and playing with so much emotion that I could feel it my bones. Only this time, I wasn't just Edward's best friend. I wasn't a friend with benefits. And I sure as hell wasn't a groupie. This time, I was his wife.

It was a huge turn on to stand there and listen to my husband sing a song that he had written and we had made love to. I watched him, wondering if while he sang in front of all of these people, if the same thoughts ran through his mind. Did he remember how I had basically attacked him after I'd first heard the rough cut of it? When he sang that one certain verse, did Edward remember how my fingers had dug into his shoulders while I begged for more? I practically moaned when he threw his head back and forced out an utterly raw and sensual lyric that made the song so freaking hot. It should have been embarrassing, that the lyrics plainly painted a picture of sex and lust. Everyone standing around me knew what those words meant and who they were about, including my father, but I still couldn't get past the insanely intense connection that it created between Edward and me.

It was another three songs later that the band took a small break and Edward stepped up to the microphone. I laughed when he casually asked how everyone was doing, not because it was funny, but because the screaming hysteria that came after it was still… surreal.

"So you might not have heard but I put out a new album called _Yours and Mine_." Again, the screaming kicked up a notch. "It is pretty kick ass, huh?"

I smiled when Emmett said something about his brother being a show off.

"This next song is a new one," Edward adjusted the guitar on his shoulder before smiling. "And a very pretty lady helped me write it and I am so damn lucky to say that she is my wife." Edward nodded his head at all of the oohs and awes that followed. "You guys are earning me so many brownie points right now, you have no idea."

His fingers played the slow melody that we had written together and the noise from the audience slowly dimmed. It didn't matter though, they could have been screaming at the top of their lungs and I still would have felt like Edward and I were the only two people in the room.

There were so many words that I could use to describe what Edward was to me. For the majority of my life he had been my best friend. Then, slowly, over time I realized that he was also my soul mate. We became lovers without really realizing what that meant, but through the grace of God, were able to come to an absolute understanding that it was well beyond just having sex. It was giving yourself, completely. It was loving without fear. It was an emotional bond that never wavered or faltered. Now, Edward was my husband, my other half. He completed me in a way that I'd never felt with anyone else.

I could define our relationship as successful, not because we were married and living a life that some people could only dream of, but because I could look back over the years that I'd know him and remember the good times, not the bad. I held on to the smiles and the laughter. I remembered the silly inconsequential moments that meant nothing to anyone else, but meant the world to us. Our success was this... standing in a situation that used to be so completely complicated and knowing that _everything_ had happened for a reason. We made sense now. The road that it took to get us here had been filled with twists and turns, ups and downs. But as I watched _my_ perfectly imperfect Edward walking off of the stage I realized that it had all been completely worth it. It had been one hell of a ride, and the best part was that our _real_ journey was just beginning.

Edward was wiping the sweat off of this face with a towel while Alice complimented him on the show. Jasper nodded when he saw me, which made my husband look over his shoulder. The smile that covered his face made me completely nervous and excited because that was a smile reserved just for me. He left Alice with Jasper and casually made his way towards me.

"So?" He asked, tilting his head to the side.

My hands pulled at the front of his shirt. "Great show, baby."

I didn't care that he was sweaty. I didn't care that people were watching us. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a slow kiss that was probably borderline inappropriate. My fingers wove themselves into his hair as his hands sat on the small of my back, holding me against him.

"Get a room!"

I looked over my shoulder to see Emmett and Rosalie walking towards us. Had Matt not been sitting in his father's arms, Edward probably would have flipped his brother off before retorting with a comment laced with cusswords. Instead he left another chaste kiss against my lips. As his parents and mine walked through the backstage entrance, our nephew lunged out of Emmett's arms and landed straight into Edward's.

Watching as my family gathered around us, it was easy to appreciate the feeling of complete happiness that settled around me. All of the fighting, all of the hurt, everything that we had all gone through was completely worth it. There was no way that I ever could have imagined that my life would end up like this, especially when I was just a scared eighteen year old kid, living in a town that I knew nothing about. But God knew what he was doing when he let Alice shove me into Edward at that Halloween party. I just had to have faith.

"Hey!" The lead singer for the opening band jogged towards us. "We're having a little celebratory party in our dressing room if you guys want to come."

Edward nodded in appreciation before moving Matt to his hip and putting his free arm around my shoulders. "Thanks for the invite but I think I just wanna hang out with my family. You guys have fun though."

As the other musician walked away, I leaned up on my toes and kissed Edward's cheek. Everyone started talking at once, discussing what we were doing; Emmett's voice carried over everyone else's as he complained about being hungry. I laughed when Rosalie shoved a bag of Goldfish at him but it was Edward's arm squeezing my shoulders that got my attention.

"Thank you," he whispered before kissing me.

"For what?"

Edward smiled. "For being mine."

**A/N: I used so many different songs for this chapter. Check out **_**Rise**_** by The Frames. Also, if you're wondering how Bella felt when Edward was on stage singing, imagine Caleb Followill singing **_**Closer**_** to you personally. If the Followill boys don't do it for you then I would say Rob singing **_**Let Me Sign**_**. That is some panty melting goodness, right? Anyway, the epi will be posted tonight. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!**


	40. Dream

**This story is mine and I am so glad that I got to share the journey with all of you. I still don't own Twilight. *passes the tissues***

"**Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream." Dream, Priscilla Ahn**

"Mrs. Cullen."

I smiled at Edward and took his hand. He helped me out of the car and ignored the constant noise that surrounded us, giving me a small kiss on the back of my hand before turning to face the hysteria.

For the most part, I'd become well adapted to public portion of my life with Edward. I accepted that certain things couldn't be helped and others just had to be ignored. People's opinions of our life together didn't matter. The screaming fans and intrusive photographers were normally easy to tune out…normally. Tonight, however, the attention wasn't just on Edward. Since Jasper and I had been nominated for a Grammy that had absolutely nothing to do with Edward's music, I was shoved into the spot light. I smiled and tried to graciously accept the attention that had been thrown in my face while trying to make Jasper the forefront of the whole thing.

It didn't help that our song was up against Edward's. People had made this into some huge competition although it really wasn't. But when you have five friends, two of which are married, who have lives that are all inner connected and two songs that are up for the same award, things can get blown out of proportion. Jasper and I had written a song for Jessica's debut album. That album ended up being a huge success and was nominated for every category that it was eligible for. Edward's album had also been nominated, throwing us together into a few of the same categories. All of us thought it was funny, especially Edward and Jessica. The only award that I was nominated for was Song of the Year, which included Jessica and Jasper in the nomination. But, since Jasper had also helped produce Jessica's album he was nominated in several of the other categories as well. Either way you looked at it, the chances of one of us ending up with a Grammy were pretty high.

"Stop pulling at your tie." Alice nudged Edward's elbow while nodding towards the red carpet behind us. "Ryan Seacrest wants to do a group interview with all of you so that only leaves about twenty minutes for the press line. Try not to get caught in a long winded interview."

While Alice gave Edward instructions, her hands sat on the extremely pregnant belly hidden under her dress. Jasper had made the mistake of suggesting she stayed in Seattle while the rest of us did the awards and had ended up sleeping on the couch for a few days. Even if Alice was due to have their first baby in a matter of months, she point blank refused to miss anything. We had all learned not to argue with her.

With Alice and Jasper following behind us, Edward held my hand and the two of us started making our way towards the wall of photographers that were yelling at us. Before we stopped for the first round of pictures, he leaned down and lightly kissed where my neck and shoulder met. "Do you realize how absolutely beautiful you are?"

I smiled as his nose skimmed across my jaw and ran my hand under the back of his suit jacket, placing my palm on his back and holding onto the fabric of his shirt.

We posed for, what I'm sure, were several thousands of pictures. As we walked, people would ask Jasper, Alice and Jessica to stand with us, which meant a ton of group pictures as well. I did my best to not sound like a completely awkward mess when questions were fielded my way. Talking about the music was easy; I actually didn't mind that at all, but when people started asking me questions about our wedding and married life, I tended to get a little closed off. I realized that certain parts of my life were up for public knowledge but that didn't mean I liked talking about them. Thankfully, Edward would always throw in a few sarcastic comments that would effectively end the questioning.

While Edward and Jessica playfully teased each other during the Ryan Seacrest interview, I stood between the two of them and laughed. They egged each other on, talked about the possibility of working together on a couple of songs, and complimented each other on their respective albums. I'd thought that the interview was nearly over when Ryan turned to me.

"Bella how did you and Jessica Stanley end up getting to know each other?" He moved the microphone in front of my face, waiting for me to answer.

Edward squeezed my hand and smiled.

"We met when I was living in Austin and were actually roommates for about two years. When she started working on her album she asked if Jasper and I would be interested in writing a few songs for her and everything just sort of fell into place after that."

Jessica gave me a one armed hug. "Aw!"

"And this is your first nomination, right?" When I nodded, he asked, "So with all of the playful rivalry between Jessica and Edward, has any of that carried into your relationships with them?"

I shook my head. "No. You know, Jessica is one of my dearest friends and we had a lot of fun working with her. Obviously I think that her album is amazing, but I think that Edward's is incredible, also. I'll be happy if either one of them wins tonight."

"Alright guys, thanks a lot and good luck tonight."

"Handled like a pro." Jasper gave me a high five after all of us had made it off of the interview platform. I laughed and reciprocated the gesture. "But just for the record, Bella and I are totally winning Song of the Year with Jess, and you," he pointed at Edward, "will have to pay up."

xXxXxXx

The night had been eventful, leaving both Jessica and Edward with plenty of awards. I watched as both of them sang their singles and put up with the playful arguing that took place during the commercial breaks between Jasper and Edward.

It wasn't until they announced the nominees for Song of the Year that I realized that I might actually have to go up on stage and accept an award. Before the winner was announced, Edward leaned over and placed a single kiss on my temple. I smiled and squeezed his hand.

"And the winner is," the presenter said, slowly opened the envelope. "_Sweet Song Melody_, written by Jasper Whitlock and Bella Cullen, and performed by Jessica Stanley."

Edward helped me stand up and kissed the top of my head as I hid my face against his chest. I knew I couldn't just stand there holding on to him, but it felt too good to let go.

"Congratulations, baby," he whispered against my ear.

I slowly pulled away and smiled up at him. "I couldn't have done this without you, Edward."

Before they had to drag me up to the stage, I gave him a quick kiss and turned to find my oldest friend. Jasper leaned down to kiss Alice's belly before hugging me. I held on to his arm as I walked beside him.

"Do not let me fall," I whispered.

He laughed but tightened his grip on my hand. Once we reached the stairs he slowly helped me up them. Jessica, who had been sitting on the other side of the room, met us on stage and threw her arms around my neck. The three of us sort of shuffled around the stage until Jasper motioned for Jessica to go first. She took the award before leaning into the microphone.

"There is absolutely no way that I could have done any of this without the two people standing behind me. It was their words and music that made this album what it was." She turned around and smiled at us. "So thank you both, from the bottom of my heart."

I squeezed her hand and tried to tell myself not to cry. But once Jasper stepped forward, I knew I didn't stand a chance against the onslaught of emotion that bubbled in my chest.

"Jessica's voice did amazing things to this song. We wrote it but she really brought it to life, so thank you Jess." He chuckled when he saw that Jessica and I were both crying. "I also have to thank Bella because she's… well she's been one of my closest friends since grade school. Thank you for the trust it took to take this chance with me."

He looked down at Alice and I could have sworn his breath was shaky when he inhaled. "Alice, I love you. And no matter what else happens in this crazy life that's ours, you, and our family together, will be my biggest accomplishment. Thank you for loving me so unconditionally."

By the time it was my turn I was a complete mess. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to walk, much less say anything that didn't sound like complete gibberish. When Jasper stepped away from the microphone, I took a nervous step forward and looked down at the only person that could make this bearable. Once I saw his crooked smile and bright green eyes, I took a deep breath.

"I never, _ever_, thought that I would be here. Writing music wasn't something that I ever considered doing professionally until one of my oldest friends convinced me that I had a knack for it." I turned my head and smiled at Jasper. "Thank you, so very, _very_ much for believing that I could do this."

He smiled before winking at me.

"I also have to thank Jessica for being one of the best friends that I've ever had and for giving us an opportunity to share this experience with her." I took another breath and tried to blink by the tears that were filling my eyes. "I will never be able to thank my parents and the rest of my family enough and I wish that I had enough time to mention each one of you individually, but I have to spend the rest of my time up here thanking my best friend."

Looking directly at Edward, I smiled. "You… are my everything. You taught me how to believe in myself and showed me that happy-ever-afters really do exist. I love you and I'm so glad you're mine."

The cut off music started playing, relieving me of having to come up with a witty conclusion. Jessica gave me another hug as we stated to walk off stage but we both stopped when Jasper turned back to the microphone.

"Oh!" He pointed at Edward. "You owe me a hundred bucks, Cullen."

**A/N: All I can say is thank you. Maggie, Mel, Becca, Di, Trin, Katie, Ally, Natalie, Cheri, Em… gah, I could keep going. You guys have been so amazing through all of this. You never doubted my ideas or story line, instead you told me to ignore other people's opinions and finish the story that I started.**

**Once upon a time, I was a groupie. I didn't get the same happy-ever-after with my musician that Bella and Edward did, but I learned so much through the entire experience that I can't really look back and regret what happened. Parts of this story are real, parts of it are fake, but only a few of us will ever know which is which. T, thank you for breaking my heart so many times that I eventually had to walk away. Because of that, I ended up finding true love, real true love. Above everything else, I hope that you at least have peace.**

**To you, thank you for taking the time to read this story and for falling in love with my characters. This is dedicated to you. xo**


	41. Reckless

**EPOV**

I really was a fucking idiot.

"Are you okay?"

The timid sound of Alice's voice made me look up from the floor. I shook my head to answer her question.

Jasper sighed before putting his hand on my shoulder. "She just didn't want to sit at the hospital all night, Edward. She didn't _leave_, leave."

No, Bella hadn't left Seattle, but she had every right to. I'd yelled at her, lied to her… I didn't deserve anything less than her leaving me. I knew how Bella felt about Jane, I knew how sensitive of a subject that was with her. Maybe that's why I felt like it was better to just not tell her what I was doing.

Aside from the obvious, that I didn't want Bella involved in anything to do with Aro, I also didn't want her to have to deal with Jane. For whatever reason, my ex-girlfriend was a constant source of resentment and worry for Bella. There wouldn't ever be anything between Jane and me, ever again. But like everything else in my past, it just wouldn't go away.

My eyes fell back to the floor. "I couldn't just… leave her there."

It was true that Jane had really fucked me up, that she had left me a broken mess on a shitty motel floor, but that didn't mean that I could just ignore the fact that she was in serious trouble. I'd been there and if I hadn't had Bella and the rest of my family, I would be a rotting corpse by now. Bella had saved me and now I was trying to save Jane because no one else would.

Alice reached forward to hold my hand. "I know that, and deep down, Bella does too. She's just… hurt."

"Go talk to her," Jasper squeezed my shoulder. "The longer you put this off, the worse it's going to be."

I took my friend's advice and pulled the keys to my father's car out of my pocket but looked up at Alice before I walked towards the hospital's exit. She gave me an encouraging smile that made me feel horrible from guilt.

"You were right," I said sadly. "At the bank you told me I was making a mistake, that this would kill Bella, and I ignored you. I'm sorry… I should have…"

She shook her head. "Just fix this, Edward.

I nodded and turned towards the doors leading towards the parking lot.

**THIS IS AN OUTTAKE THAT CAN BE FOUND ON THE B-SIDE! Check it out!**


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